Iwritecode

That test sucks. You get used to going one way and then they switch them around. It'd be like switching the keys on a keyboard. Who's not going to go slower?

These aren't exactly jokes but still some of the funniest things I've ever read on a message board. I got them from another message board I frequent under a thead called: "I am an idiot - The Stupid Thread." The guys story-telling ability is amazing. Others are below...

These are hilarious.

QUOTE(southsider2k5 @ Jan 6, 2006 -> 01:37 PM) I really get the feeling that pods will be gone as soon as he hits FA. The Sox have too many guys they like in the OF in the minors. But can any of them fill the lead-off role the same way Pods has? He's the first decent lead-off man the Sox have had since Durham left. Besides maybe Lofton for the one month he was here and healthy. When Durham got on a roll, the team got on a roll. When he slumped the team slumped. When Pods is healthy, the team wins. When he went on the DL last year, the team couldn't beat anybody. He's also very good at making the pitcher work. I don't know how many times I've seen him take two strikes, foul off a few pitches and somehow end up with a full count in his first AB. Before you know it, the pitcher has throw 20 pitches in the first inning. And when he does get on base, he's a legitamite base-stealing threat. Unlike someone like Harris who had plenty of speed but didn't know how to use it. If there's a guy in the minors (and I admit I don't follow the minors at all) that can do all that and be an upgrade on defense, then I'm all for it. Until then, I vote we keep him around. The guys in the minors can always be used as trade bait to fill other holes.

Once there was a man who had two peas up his nose, a carrot in one ear and a hunk of steak in the other ear. He went to the doctor and said, "I'm not feeling well." The doctor said, ... "You're not eating right." ********* Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a tremendous urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do "Do you remember that I told you I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." " "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ********************* There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" So Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone, and I know them!" Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" So they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!" This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!" But Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on the debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" So they fly to Washington and they catch with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned. He can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!" And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You don't know the Pope!" Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTISED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-without much luck-so Bubba says "Boss we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what, I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss, what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton, heck, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!"

QUOTE(southsider2k5 @ Jan 6, 2006 -> 08:09 AM) They weren't even available last year for single game tickets, I imagine they will be difficult to get even with packages this year. I just picked up the Sunday game yesterday through the Ozzie plan. Upper deck (Sec 556) though so I imagine there aren't many left. I think I may have to bring some binoculars for that game...

QUOTE(q\/\/3r+y @ Jan 5, 2006 -> 02:39 AM) The ending was one of the worst in anything ever put on screen. I finally saw the last episode for the first time just a few months ago. I almost wish I hadn't. It really kinda ruins the last season or 2 (after they won the lottery) knowing that it was all fake even though the show pretty much went in the crapper around that time anyway...

QUOTE(tonyho7476 @ Jan 5, 2006 -> 10:50 AM) Agreed...things could change...I could see a complete set come out. Has the # of discs ever been confirmed by someone other than an anonymous post on a message board? I keep hearing 7 but have never seen it on Amazon or anyplace like that. Even the flyer that came in the World Series DVD doesn't say.

QUOTE(Controlled Chaos @ Jan 5, 2006 -> 09:11 AM) I thought the season ticket base was under 23,000, and the park holds over 40,000. According to this, "1/24 is when full season ticket holders get to buy them, 1/25 split season ticket holders can, 1/27 general public can", the extra tickets available haven't even been sold yet. So where the heck are almost 20,000 tickets?? It all is very confusing to me....hopefully Brooks can at least shed some light on it. IIRC, Season ticket plans have been on sale for a good 2 months. I just got my Ozzie plan yesterday and couldn't get opening night.

QUOTE(forrestg @ Jan 3, 2006 -> 02:15 PM) I believe in August and september fans filled the stadiums. Actually the September attendance was pretty horrible considering the number of home games. July and August were the best months. Of course that's when the Red Sox and Yankees were in town. July had an average of 34,417 per game in 13 games. August had an average of 33,036 per game in 12 games. September had an average of 27,178 per game in 17 games.

Opening day has been sold out for a little while now.

QUOTE(kapkomet @ Jan 4, 2006 -> 03:07 PM) I'm glad the system worked for you - and I wish it was more that way. Unfortunately, more often then not, people take advantage of it. That's true. I know people who have been living on unemployment for half their lives and refuse to find a job because they keep getting "free" money. There's no fast and easy fix-all...

QUOTE(AnthraxFan93 @ Jan 4, 2006 -> 02:23 PM) I get yelled at when I make the request that if you want to ask for public aid, women must get their tubes tied..People like this furhter prove how it is needed. :finger :finger :finger I had my first child when I was 17. My wife (we weren't married at the time) and I lived with my parents and did receive some public aid. Mostly WIC to help with the baby formula, milk, cereal, ect... Today I have three kids, a house of my own, a college education and a career. Hell, I had half of that before I turned 21. The government has no right to tell me my 2nd two kids shouldn't have been born just because I asked for a little assitance with my first one.

It really depends on your situation. To people who have to live with an oxygen machine, electricity is definitely a necessity. I doubt heat is much of a necessity in California to begin with. If I lost power for 40 hours around new years, I wouldn't need a refriderator. My whole house would be a refridgerator. I'm sure I could figure out how to live without heat, electricity, a phone or running water. But I sure wouldn't want to do it on purpose or on a permenant basis...

QUOTE(Steff @ Jan 4, 2006 -> 08:57 AM) :headshake http://cbs5.com/topstories/local_story_003162940.html San Ramon Boys Left Alone, Parents In Las Vegas Save It Email It Print It (CBS 5) SAN RAMON It's a real-life case of Home Alone, only in this instance it's no movie -- and no one is laughing. Police in San Ramon said two brothers, ages 5 and 9, were left home alone while their father and stepmother celebrated New Year's Eve in Las Vegas. Officers found the children unharmed on Saturday after receiving a call from a concerned relative. "I would say it's an unusual case for any type of jurisdiction," said San Ramon Police Sgt. Brian Kalinowski. "It's clearly inappropriate for a 9-year-old and a 5-year-old under any circumstance to be left alone, much less for several days while the parents allegedly ring in the New Year in las vegas." The parents are expected to return to the Bay Area on Wednesday. Police plan to interview them. The district attorney will then decide of charges will be filed. The boys were placed in the custody of county Child Protective Services and later released to their grandmother, according to authorities. The laws on kids being home alone are very vague. I have a 9 and (just turned) 8-year-old that are sometimes home alone for an hour or so after they come home from school. It depends on my wife's work schedule. I've always thought it depends on the child. If they understand to lock the door, don't answer the phone or the door (unless it's mom, dad or grandma) and know how to dial 9-1-1 there shouldn't be a problem. I do agree that a 9-year-old is a little young to be taking care of a 5-year-old though. Especially for days at time...

QUOTE(Texsox @ Jan 1, 2006 -> 11:19 AM) Chicago Dogs has the meat rotating right there and cuts it off to order. Mmmmm. There's a restuarant near me that does the same thing. Soo much better than that pre-packaged/frozen stuff other places use...

QUOTE(Damen @ Dec 30, 2005 -> 04:02 PM) Opening night hasn't been available for any of the plans for at least 2 weeks. I wonder how many of those ticket holders will be disappointed to find out that the ring ceremony is before game 2...

QUOTE(WCSox @ Dec 30, 2005 -> 10:47 AM) I'd say that's about accurate. What did we draw this year? 2.2 or 2.3 million? A slight increase is about what I'd expect. They drew 2,342,834 according to my calculations from ESPN.com That's actually pretty amazing considering I had predicted before the season started a total of 2,329,000. I wasn't that far off. I think 3 million is a high goal but they can come pretty close. 2.7 or 2.8 might be more realistic. Opening night is no longer available via Ozzie Plans and the indiviual tickets haven't even gone on sale yet...

QUOTE(NorthSideSox72 @ Dec 30, 2005 -> 10:48 AM) --Accident occurred in Lincolnwood, not Wilmette --I can't even imagine how fast they must have been going to have the car do that kind of damage --Whenever I see articles about accidents with teens like this, I always cringe at the way I drove as a 16-year old. I was a lucky SOB. --I hope these kids' friends learn something from it --I offer my condolences to the parents and surviving kids When I was 16 I was allowed to drive a 1978 camaro. The rear-wheel drive kinda sucked in the winter and the V8 engine sucked down a lot of gas (even though gas was under a dollar a gallon at the time) but man could that thing take a beating. I hit more things in that car (a telephone pole, buildings, bushes, mailboxes, street signs, other cars) and it never made a dent...

QUOTE(Balta1701 @ Dec 26, 2005 -> 08:13 PM) Heck, it's not even that as much...everyone these days in the medical industry knows that there's vastly more money available in drugs like Viagra than there is in vaccines, simpy because if you develop a vaccine/cure for a virus, people need to take it one time, but if you develop a drug like viagra, claritin, a heartburn drug, or something silly like that, the profit margins are massive because you need to take it hundreds of times, as each pill is necessary. That's the same reason why there are only like 1-2 flu vaccine makers available...the market favors drugs that you need to take many times. There is very little market value in actually curing any disease, only in treating a disease. This is one of those cases where the market is driving the wrong way, and the only solution is government investment. The Market would like nothing better than to develop a drug that you need to take for the rest of your life to control the symptoms of AIDS, but if you develop an actual cure, then the makers of all those drugs that you need to take to keep the disease under control would lose tons of money, and so the drug companies have very little impetus to actually develop a cure. Sometimes the government needs to intervene in the private market to force it in a direction it doesn't want to go. Drug research is a prime example (note, the Bush admin. is already doing something similar with avian flu - there is promising research into new techniques for creating flu vaccine but the drug companies don't want to pay for it because there's so little profit in flu vaccine, so the Bush Avian Flu plan included hundreds of millions to try to perfect those better methods to produce vaccine) Seems like it's that way with just about everything anymore. Mostly electronic stuff. Sure they could make something that lasts 50 years but instead make it last 1-5 years so you have to go out and buy another one when it breaks/quits working. Then they really get you with the warranties that cost extra $$$ and they always expire right before it quits working...

QUOTE(MurcieOne @ Dec 23, 2005 -> 03:39 PM) I'd like to excavate her cave.... Careful. People might want to go searching your hard drive for making comments like that...

I've been watching the Sox march through the playoffs on Comcast the past few nights.

QUOTE(TLAK @ Dec 21, 2005 -> 06:26 PM) No one has named a team that made changes on the scale of the White Sox and repeated. The 1992-1993 Toronto Blue Jays. Between championships they lost guys like David Cone, Jimmy Key, David Weathers, David Wells and Jeff Kent but gained guys like Carlos Delgado, Rickey Henderson, Paul Molitor, Shawn Green and Darrin Jackson. They lost and gained a bunch more but I'm not gonna type them all out. Their staring lineups from each opening day had a total of 4 different players. Compare the Sox 2005 lineup with the projected 2006 lineup and there's only 2 different players.

QUOTE(Iwritecode @ Dec 22, 2005 -> 10:46 AM) Seven different Sox ones, five different bulls ones and the Cryptkeeper (Tales from the Crypt) dressed in a santa outfit. I checked last night. I have 11 different Sox ones and 6 Bulls. Plus two duplicate Sox ones. Swapmeet, here I come!