Queen Prawn Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 My sister had a baby about 2 months ago and since then her bf has been treating her like crap and acts like an ass anytime anyone (family or friend) wants to see or hold the baby. He whines and cries that he can't take care of the baby at night, so my sister arranges for me to come over while she is at work (because the babysitter's mother took a turn for the worse and can't watch him at this time) and he calls my mom telling her I almost broke his neck - I don't have kids, but I have taken care of babies and my nephew before, I know how to support a baby's neck. He whines that she is 'playing' at her job - if he would get off his worthless ass and get a job that pays more than $6 an hr, maybe she wouldn't have had to go back so soon and at full-time. He's also claiming that she doesn't take care of the baby and that she doesn't want him. She is the one who has been taking care of the baby (including many doctor's visits due to a stomach condition the baby has), she makes sure he has his medicine - her bf never remembers and yesterday when the baby was getting really fussy I asked if he got his medicine and he said, he forgot and that my sister was the last one to give it to the baby. My problem is that the only time I can visit with the baby and not have her bf take him away or get nasty is if she is there. He whines that she should get a babysitter that he can't watch him all the time - why can't he get the babysitter? Actually my sister did, and when the sitter's mom got sick, the bf's mom volenteered to care for the baby, but she is out of town this week so she arranged for myself, my mom and a family friend. He hears this and then whines that those people aren't good enough. To my question: How would you deal with your younger sister going through this and the bf trying to interfere with you visiting your nephew? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mreye Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 It sounds like a lot of mistakes were made in this situation. First of all, your sister picked the wrong guy. I'm sure he didn't all of a sudden become a dick after the baby was born. I would address this with your sister - alone. She had baby with this guy. She should be able to sit down and talk to him. Do not, I repeat, do not go to him on your own and point fingers and get in a yelling match. it does nobody any good. Finally, if he doesn't change, you've got two choices - Leave and never see your nephew or deal with it. If you really want to have a relationship with this kid, you choose to deal with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Prawn Posted October 1, 2003 Author Share Posted October 1, 2003 It sounds like a lot of mistakes were made in this situation. First of all, your sister picked the wrong guy. I'm sure he didn't all of a sudden become a dick after the baby was born. I would address this with your sister - alone. She had baby with this guy. She should be able to sit down and talk to him. Do not, I repeat, do not go to him on your own and point fingers and get in a yelling match. it does nobody any good. Finally, if he doesn't change, you've got two choices - Leave and never see your nephew or deal with it. If you really want to have a relationship with this kid, you choose to deal with it. I agree - there is no way I'd say anything to him at all (it isn't my place). I just want to be able to visit with my nephew without 'dad' swarming around taking him away immediately and treating me as if I were completely and totally inept. I guess that is the hard part - knowing that I will have to grin and bear it until she leaves him or corrals him, one or the other. <_> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Beast Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 My sister had a baby about 2 months ago and since then her bf has been treating her like crap and acts like an ass anytime anyone (family or friend) wants to see or hold the baby. He whines and cries that he can't take care of the baby at night, so my sister arranges for me to come over while she is at work (because the babysitter's mother took a turn for the worse and can't watch him at this time) and he calls my mom telling her I almost broke his neck - I don't have kids, but I have taken care of babies and my nephew before, I know how to support a baby's neck. He whines that she is 'playing' at her job - if he would get off his worthless ass and get a job that pays more than $6 an hr, maybe she wouldn't have had to go back so soon and at full-time. He's also claiming that she doesn't take care of the baby and that she doesn't want him. She is the one who has been taking care of the baby (including many doctor's visits due to a stomach condition the baby has), she makes sure he has his medicine - her bf never remembers and yesterday when the baby was getting really fussy I asked if he got his medicine and he said, he forgot and that my sister was the last one to give it to the baby. My problem is that the only time I can visit with the baby and not have her bf take him away or get nasty is if she is there. He whines that she should get a babysitter that he can't watch him all the time - why can't he get the babysitter? Actually my sister did, and when the sitter's mom got sick, the bf's mom volenteered to care for the baby, but she is out of town this week so she arranged for myself, my mom and a family friend. He hears this and then whines that those people aren't good enough. To my question: How would you deal with your younger sister going through this and the bf trying to interfere with you visiting your nephew? Let your sister get away from this guy and come and live with you if possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mreye Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 I agree - there is no way I'd say anything to him at all (it isn't my place). I just want to be able to visit with my nephew without 'dad' swarming around taking him away immediately and treating me as if I were completely and totally inept. I guess that is the hard part - knowing that I will have to grin and bear it until she leaves him or corrals him, one or the other. <_> "Grin and bear it" is an understatement. We he comes over to get the kid from you say, "Oh, here's Daddy, let's give you to Daddy, etc." Be as sweet as you possibly can. Don't frown. Don't scowl. Don't sigh. Maybe, just maybe it will start to rub off on him. You might be surprised. But, first, have that heart to heart with your sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YASNY Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Be supportive of your sister. It sounds like she's going to need it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBAHO Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Always be there for your sister no matta what. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Prawn Posted October 2, 2003 Author Share Posted October 2, 2003 Always be there for your sister no matta what. But of course. If you can't be there for family, who can you be there for? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yossarian Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 I try to mind my own business but since you asked this is my advice. Your sister needs to ditch this guy pronto. Based on my life experience, all the warning bells are going off. It will only get worse, more than likely much worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 My sister is married to a looser, too. They have a daughter. Would my sister be better without him, hell yea. But would I tell her that.. hell no. Unless she or my neice is in physical danger, I'm not saying a word. My sister is an adult. She will live her life how she sees fit to live it. I had 1 conversation with her. Told her Jim and I would be there for her and the baby no matter what they ever needed. No question asked. I don't pry, and she talks to me. Where my mother shoves her nose into her business all the time.. and my sister doesn't tell her anything. Ya just have to be supportive. Just let her know that you're there. If she needs you, she'll come to you. But it's a decision she has to make on her own. Telling her she needs to dump him will only make things worse. I can not stress enough against resorting to degrading him and her choice to be with him.. remember.. she loves him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Prawn Posted October 2, 2003 Author Share Posted October 2, 2003 Where my mother shoves her nose into her business all the time.. and my sister doesn't tell her anything. Ya just have to be supportive. Just let her know that you're there. If she needs you, she'll come to you. But it's a decision she has to make on her own. Telling her she needs to dump him will only make things worse. I can not stress enough against resorting to degrading him and her choice to be with him.. remember.. she loves him. I never bring up stuff about him, she volenteers it as soon as we start talking (phone or in person). I don't degrade him at all, she does a good enough job of that on her own. She fully realizes that at this time she is stuck because of financial reasons (I've already helped as much as I can financially). I snapped the other night (inside my head, not verbally - I got out of there before I suffered from loose lips) because I don't like him trashing my sister to me. I've seen her with the baby, I know she is a good mom. Actually she doesn't love him, or so she says (I always let her bring it up). She's been planning on leaving but first the baby came a month early (2 days after we started packing her stuff up) and now it is just a matter of saving up money to leave (she said she is planning around tax time when she knows she will get money back - she claims 0 + extra taken out - she knows she is terrible about saving money so she chooses this method). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Where my mother shoves her nose into her business all the time.. and my sister doesn't tell her anything. Ya just have to be supportive. Just let her know that you're there. If she needs you, she'll come to you. But it's a decision she has to make on her own. Telling her she needs to dump him will only make things worse. I can not stress enough against resorting to degrading him and her choice to be with him.. remember.. she loves him. I never bring up stuff about him, she volenteers it as soon as we start talking (phone or in person). I don't degrade him at all, she does a good enough job of that on her own. She fully realizes that at this time she is stuck because of financial reasons (I've already helped as much as I can financially). I snapped the other night (inside my head, not verbally - I got out of there before I suffered from loose lips) because I don't like him trashing my sister to me. I've seen her with the baby, I know she is a good mom. Actually she doesn't love him, or so she says (I always let her bring it up). She's been planning on leaving but first the baby came a month early (2 days after we started packing her stuff up) and now it is just a matter of saving up money to leave (she said she is planning around tax time when she knows she will get money back - she claims 0 + extra taken out - she knows she is terrible about saving money so she chooses this method). Ahhh.. I wasn't aware of all that. Best thing I suppose is to just keep biting the lip where he is concerned. No sense in making more waves.. plus, he might make things tough for you to see the baby. I just want you to know, I wasn't incinuating you were doing those things.. more so what if's. I'm sure things will work out. Her realizing he's not the one, and taking the steps to move out are definite positives. Good luck to your family!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moochpuppy Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Sounds like you need the services of Kitty below. My wife's sister has been in an abusive marriage for over 15 years now (started as verbal and has now gotten physical). She had a restraining order on him and he was out of the house for awhile but she eventually let him back in. Just this past couple of months, their 16 year old Daughter ran out and we found out that he hit her. When they couldn't find her (was camping out with friends) they called the police and they brought her back. They all went to a couple of counceling sessions and we had taken her in during this two week span (by request of the Mother). After the sessions they sent her back home with no consequences to the Father. We couldn't believe it!! Plus they have three other children and now my wife's sister is not talking to us. We have offered support, a place to live, you name it...we offered it. But now the way we are being treated for that, I've washed my hands of it. Her sister is an adult and has had at least two opportunities to get out. She's made her bed and now she must lie in it. The only thing I worry about is the kids. My advice.....don't get involved! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Prawn Posted October 2, 2003 Author Share Posted October 2, 2003 I just want you to know, I wasn't incinuating you were doing those things.. more so what if's. I'm sure things will work out. Her realizing he's not the one, and taking the steps to move out are definite positives. Good luck to your family!! Didn't think you were. I just hate not being able to do anything for her other than listen. She and I never had much of a sister-sister relationship before we both moved out of my parents' house and now that we do have a really good sister-sister relationship, I don't want some worthless S.O.B. trying to ruin it and more importantly, I don't want to see him ruin her or my nephew's life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 I just want you to know, I wasn't incinuating you were doing those things.. more so what if's. I'm sure things will work out. Her realizing he's not the one, and taking the steps to move out are definite positives. Good luck to your family!! Didn't think you were. I just hate not being able to do anything for her other than listen. She and I never had much of a sister-sister relationship before we both moved out of my parents' house and now that we do have a really good sister-sister relationship, I don't want some worthless S.O.B. trying to ruin it and more importantly, I don't want to see him ruin her or my nephew's life. I feel your pain there. My sister and I were pretty estranged after I moved away. It was a real messed up situation. My sister was a straight A student on her way to getting a full scholarship and a very promising career as an International Translator. Then she meet this goof and the s*** hit the fan. Now we're very close and it's all because she had the baby. Jim and I help so much that we should claim them as deductions on our taxes! But that's all we can do until SHE comes to us if that's where things go. There's no abuse.. just lack of motivation, direction, and goals. It's a very sad thing to see. Someday I hope my sister realizes that there are so many things she could do with herself and her life, and that he steps up to the plate to support his family... but I don't hold my breath. We fear for the baby the most as well. We've set up a college fund for her, bought savings bonds, UPromise account.. you name it, we've done it. It sounds hopeful that your sister hasn't married this one. For the sake of the baby maybe he'll grow up someday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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