25 Biggest Movie Badasses

[GASHWOUND]

This was in this month's issue of Maxim I found interesting....

Although i would've put Tyler Durden higher on the list...

 

 

 

Which one of you yellow-bellied bastards ordered the knuckle sandwich, hold the mercy? Sack up and meet 25 of the toughest movie hombres ever to buck authority.

 

 

25 TYLER DURDEN

(Brad Pitt/Edward Norton)

Fight Club (1999)

Living in a consumer-based culture blows, but Tyler “IKEA” Durden at least did something about it, even if organizing basement knucklefests and blowing up buildings is a tad extreme. Don’t accept the offer to hit him “as hard as you can.”

Fools he should throw a beatin’: The pay-per-view vampires who jack us for $50 to watch a four-round fight on TV.

 

24 BLAKE

(Alec Baldwin)

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)

The ultimate corpo hatchet man reduces hard-bitten real estate sharps to Avon ladies. After his little “pep talk,” don’t even ask for the new leads, you loser sack of s***, ’cause you ain’t worth the used toilet paper they’re printed on.

Fools he should throw a beatin’: With editors overdue for raises, the Maxim ad sales reps could use some motivation.

 

23 ALABAMA WORLEY

(Patricia Arquette)

True Romance (1993)

’Bama’s tougher than cancer. Rather than betray her man, she laughs off a beating from a hulking hitman. Weapons of choice: corkscrew, bust of Elvis, toilet-tank cover.

Fool she should throw a beatin’: David Arquette. You know why.

 

22 BUFORD PUSSER

(Joe Don Baker)

Walking Tall (1973)

Screw all that “to serve and protect” horses***. Here’s a 2x4 for your punk ass. It’s practically a Southern birthright for a sheriff to take the complexities of jurisprudence into his own hands. That way he can do away with time-consuming police procedure and mete out justice to them what’s got it coming. Even if that means using hillbilly gangsters as speed bumps.

Fools he should throw a beatin’: Bo Svenson, the candy-ass pretender who feebly tried to hoist Pusser’s wood in the awful sequels.

 

21 TANNER BOYLE

(Chris Barnes)

Bad News Bears (1976)

A junior high Ty Cobb, the pint-size s***’s pissed off and isn’t afraid to say so: “All we got on this team are a bunch of Jews, spics, n*****s, pansies, and a booger-eating moron.” Just try delivering a line like that in a kid’s flick today—we dare you.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Yo! David Spade, you’re going down.

 

20 FRANK

(James Caan)

Thief (1981)

Frank’s a lone wolf jewel thief raised “by the state,” so you’d think people would know better than to f*** with his “last heist.” Now he’s got to blow up his house and kill a local Mob boss. Revenge never tasted so…much like kerosene.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Tony Soprano, just to see a good fight.

 

19 DETECTIVE JIMMY “POPEYE” DOYLE

(Gene Hackman)

The French Connection (1971)

The craziest dick on the narco squad b****-slaps perps for “picking their feet in Poughkeepsie,” meets women by threatening to arrest them, and ignores all driving rules when chasing crooks.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Fat N.Y.P.D. Blue cell-phone shill Dennis Franz.

 

18 CHRISTINE

(1958 Plymouth Fury)

Christine (1983)

Everyone remembers his first car: the worn seats, the tricky gearshift, the way she would kill for you. Well, you might remember that if it was a certain ’58 Plymouth Fury. Cherry red with a killer sound system, this road b**** takes down anyone who f***s with her owner.

Fool she should throw a beatin’: KITT.

 

17 QUINT

(Robert Shaw)

Jaws (1975)

Any guy who can write “shark hunter” on the occupation line of his 1040 deserves respect, ’cause if a great white were gnawing on swimmers, the last place we’d be is in the water on a tiny wooden boat. (We’d be onshore, with an AK-47.)

Fool he should throw a beatin’: The Crocodile Hunter. Please.

 

16 PROXIMO

(Oliver Reed)

Gladiator (2000)

These days ambitious guys scratch their way out of the mailroom. Proximo mauled a few lions and sold out the Coliseum on his way to receiving the “I cheated death” wooden sword. (Not even Maximus could pull that one off.)

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Not everybody loves you, Raymond Roman-o.

 

15 SNAKE PLISSKEN

(Kurt Russell)

Escape From New York (1981)

When a bloodthirsty crowd of all-star criminals cheers your mano a mano pummeling of a sadistic mountain man named Slag in the center ring of Madison Square Garden, you know you’ve arrived. You can’t beat a guy even Lee Van Cleef doesn’t feel comfortable talking to without a loaded pistol handy. All this with an explosive implanted in his brain that detonates if his mission fails.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Whatever asswipe was responsible for that New York-of-the-future blackout.

 

14 WOLVERINE/LOGAN

(Hugh Jackman)

X-Men (2000)

Half man, half Ginsu knife, Wolverine prowls through life jumpier than a convict on his first night in prison. Who wouldn’t be upset if they kept getting attacked by some “Sabertooth” dickhead who looks like a roadie for Whitesnake?

Fool he should throw a beatin’: That other knife fanatic, Freddy Krueger.

 

13 JULES WINNFIELD

(Samuel L. Jackson)

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Why is this semicontrolled mountain of Jheri-Curled intimidation on the list? He’s a philosophical hitman who carries a wallet that says BAD MOTHERf***ER. End of f***ing story.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Quentin Tarantino, for not filming Jules walking the Earth “like Caine in Kung Fu.”

 

12 MARION RAVENWOOD

(Karen Allen)

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

It’s not just that this sarcastic expat owns her own bar—it’s that she outdrinks Nepalese goons twice her size and isn’t afraid to cold-cock the smug out of Indy. Also good at manhandling Nazis.

Fool she should throw a beatin’: The blithering Kate Capshaw, who almost singlehandedly ruined Temple of Doom.

 

11 DOC HOLLIDAY

(Val Kilmer)

Tombstone (1993)

Piss-drunk and half-dead, Doc’s still the fastest shooter in the West. Doesn’t let pesky tuberculosis and half a lung stop him from smoking, gambling, and whoring. The ultimate wingman, Doc rises from his deathbed to help pal Wyatt Earp successfully rid Tombstone of vicious outlaws. Goddamn, though, you shoulda seen him in his prime.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Dennis Quaid’s lame-ass attempt at playing Doc Holliday in Wyatt Earp. Kilmer’s Doc would eat this guy’s lunch.

 

10 JOHN SHAFT

(Richard Roundtree)

Shaft (1971)

“The cat that won’t cop out” is so badass he can answer the question “Where the hell are you going?” with “To get laid” and not only have it not sound stupid but also have it be 100 percent true.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Let’s see how smart-mouthed Undercover Brother is after a few rounds.

 

9 PAUL KERSEY

(Charles Bronson)

Death Wish (1974)

With a face that could double as a mule’s ass crack, Kersey gets kinda pissed after his wife is murdered, his daughter is raped, and the criminal scum walk. He takes to roaming the streets and redecorating subway cars with punks’ blood.

Fools he should throw a beatin’: Modern scum, bin Laden and Hussein.

 

8 OFFICER WENDELL “BUD” WHITE

(Russell Crowe)

L.A. Confidential (1997)

In the pre-Miranda world of trouble-free justice, a punch-happy cop with personal issues could pound crooks, dangle politicians out of windows, and frame suspected rapists. Not the guy to spill beer on at a hockey game.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: O.J.

 

7 “MAD” MAX ROCKATANSKY

(Mel Gibson)

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981)

Post-nuke Australia might be filled with criminal spawn, but this cop turned pitiless loner (nuclear fallout and a murdered family will do that) never says “G’day” in his endless quest for petrol.

Fools he should throw a beatin’: The price-gougers at our local gas station.

 

6 LUKE

(Paul Newman)

Cool Hand Luke (1967)

Nonconformist. Fights authority. Stands up to the resident bully. No, not you in first grade—we’re talking about the toughest inmate since Alcatraz shut down. Achieves respect among fellow cons with his ability to down 50 hardboiled eggs.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: The next guy who gives us a ticket.

 

5 INSPECTOR HARRY CALLAHAN

(Clint Eastwood)

Dirty Harry (1971)

Think another Clint character is more badass than Dirty Harry? Well, do ya, punk? He and his .44 Magnum have a simple policy: “When an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard.” Hear, hear.

Fools he should throw a beatin’: California’s gubernatorial candidates.

 

4 WILLIAM CUTTING, A.K.A “BILL THE BUTCHER”

(Daniel Day-Lewis)

Gangs of New York (2002)

The movie went limp, but Bill stomped onscreen like a drunken stepfather. When not engaged in the art of butchery, this pit bull’s brawling in the streets and acting as a one-man border patrol.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: We’re down with the Irish and all, but isn’t Colin Farrell due for a smackdown?

 

3 LEE

(Bruce Lee)

Enter the Dragon (1973)

Annihilating the world’s toughest martial artists is impressive, especially when you’re built like a mid-tour Iggy Pop. “You have offended my family and you have offended the Shaolin Temple.” Bad move, numb-nuts.

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Hiroki. Trust us, he has it coming.

 

2 SARAH CONNOR

(Linda Hamilton)

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Sarah Conner ain’t no soccer mom. Did our mothers school us in hand-to-hand combat and munitions? No, we had to take f***ing piano lessons. Thanks a lot, Ma, ya screamin’ wussy!

Fools she should throw a beatin’: Ultimate catfight cage match: Connor vs. Tomb Raider’s Lara Croft vs. Trinity from The Matrix vs. Ripley from Aliens.

 

1 TONY MONTANA

(Al Pacino)

Scarface (1983)

Power mad? Pathological? Sadistic? Morally, um, flexible? This cock-a-roach of a Cuban immigrant shoots (and shoots, and shoots, and shoots, and shoots) way beyond standard badass qualifications with a résumé that’s completely untouchable: He murders his way to a green card, survives a chain saw attack, whacks his boss so he can f*** the guy’s old lady, snorts coke like he’s breathing air, kills his best friend, and has his exploits displayed over and over on plasma TVs in the posh homes of every single rapper on the face of the Earth. You never, and we mean never, want to say hello to his “li’l friend.”

Fool he should throw a beatin’: Can we get a time machine so he can slap around the present’s Al “I’ve Become an Overacting Woman” Pacino?

 

 

You can't go wrong with Tony...."Say goodnight to the bad guy."

I love it

 

 

here's the hall of LAME

The 10 movie wimps we’d most like to cram in a locker.

 

1. BAMBI (Bambi, 1942) “Oh, look at me. I’m an adorable baby deer. I’m sad because my mommy died and I can barely stand.” Buck up, ya mary. In real life Bambi gets eaten by a bear. Or by us.

 

2. GEORGE McFLY (Back to the Future, 1985) Big deal, so he finally punches out Biff. If not for his son and a certain flux capacitor, McFly would have been on the receiving end of noogies till his deathbed. It was his destiny.

 

3. FRODO BAGGINS (The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, 2001–2003) This wide-eyed wuss tiptoes around Middle-earth, wetting his pants at the slightest noise. The only thing he bullies is Gollum, who looks like a fetal Steve Buscemi. That’s so badass.

 

4. EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (Edward Scissorhands, 1990) He could cut his enemies, and Winona Ryder did all the work in bed. So why was he always crying? Edward Penishands was a better film. Imagine—penis hands!

 

5. ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL (Take your pick, 1983–1988) In the ’80s Hall was the walking definition of wimp. No wonder he later went the Joe Piscopo route and got so bulked up he looks like his neck is slowly digesting his head.

 

6. KAZAAM (1996) How do you emasculate a 340-pound man? Put him in gold pants and make him say things like, “In 5,000 years you’re the only friend I ever had” and “Grab my belly and make a wish.” Note to Shaq: Off-seasons are for practicing free throws.

 

7. LARRY GIGLI (Gigli, 2003) Never before have we seen both a character and the actor playing him get pussy-whipped right before our eyes.

 

8. AMÉLIE (Amélie, 2001) She pulls all kinds of manipulative garbage because she’s too scared to talk to a man. Guys’ll put up with anything to lay a cute chick…but if she weren’t cute, she’d die a virgin in a house full of decomposing cats.

 

9. C-3PO (Star Wars movies, 1977–2005) He can calculate the odds of surviving an asteroid field and understand six million forms of communication, but he can’t grow a set of balls? Even the Ewoks sacked up and kicked some ass.

 

10. THE COWARDLY LION (The Wizard of Oz, 1939) Easy target, you say? Maybe, but if we had claws and teeth we wouldn’t be running from flying monkeys. Now, if we were kicking it in the prison Oz…that’s a different story.

 

 

 

Not Frodo!!!! :finger

 

 

kill 'em all Tony!!!

[GASHWOUND]

Also, I would put him in the top 25...

[HighHeat45]

Frodo doesnt pee his pants

[CrimsonWeltall]

[YASNY]

That fact that they thought to include Tanner Boyle in that list was great. Also, hilarious as hell.

[rafacosta]

Michael Corleone or Don Vito Corleone.