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The Bartman Ball's Press Conference


C.Rector

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From:

 

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story...el_caple/040225

 

Last words from the Bartman ball

By Eric Neel and Jim Caple

Page 2 columnists

 

Just 48 hours shy of his planned public execution -- he will be blown up on Thursday night in Chicago in an effort to put an end to all Cubs' curses -- the famed Bartman Ball finally broke his silence and addressed the media for the first time since that fateful Wrigley evening last October. The following is a complete transcript of his statement, delivered in the Grand Ballroom at the Chicago Hilton and Towers:

 

[The ball is accompanied to the podium by the donut ring from Luis Castillo's bat. The donut ring speaks first.]

 

Thanks to Steve Bartman and Moises Alou, the ball will now pay the ultimate price.

"I'm here because I wanted The Ball to know that he isn't in this thing alone. We were all a part of what went down. And me, the bat, and Moises' glove, we all just want to say that we think it's wrong the way The Ball has been singled out like this."

 

 

[The Ball then approaches the mic.]

 

"The Ball will read a statement," The Ball says. "The Ball will not take questions.

 

"To begin, does The Ball look great tonight or what? The Ball is lean, mean and 30 grams lighter. And before you start stirring up any s---, This has nothing to do with fallout from the BALCO hearings. The Ball got this way on the Atkins Diet.

 

"Next, the Ball wants to say that $113,824.16 is chump change. The Ball is insulted at the price he brought at auction. The Ball wants a recount. And, more importantly, The Ball wants his share of the money.

 

"Most importantly, The Ball has had it up to the Commissioner's signature with the blame game. Blaming The Ball for the Cubs giving up eight runs and blowing a three-games-to-one lead is ludicrous. Hate the playahs, not The Ball. Point your pyrotechnics at Moises Alou. Look at The Ball: He's round. He's small. How hard is it to catch him?!

 

"And another thing, too ... where is your Dusty-hate? In Boston, a town where they know a thing or two about curses, by the way, they ran their slow-hooked manager out of town on a rail. But you guys, you just sat back and watched while Baker left Prior out there until his arm turned to linguini.

 

"You want a ball worthy of your contempt? Try that pathetic little dribbler that skated under Buckner's legs in Beantown once upon a time. Sorry thing couldn't even get in the air. I was in flight, boys and girls. In flight and carrying your whole sick, twisted history with me, right into Moises' glove. I did my job. Get off me.

 

"But if you really must blame a ball, blame the ball that bounced off Alex Gonzalez's glove. If that was The Ball, Gonzalez would have scooped him up for an inning-ending doubleplay and we're all still celebrating on Rush Street.

 

"Speaking of which, The Ball could use a little something to drink right now. These lights are killing me.''

 

 

[A Cubs assistant pours him a glass of water.]

 

One last look at the infamous Bartman ball.

"The Ball is going to the big glove in the sky tomorrow and you bring him a lousy glass of water? Take this back and get The Ball some scotch. And make it The Macallan, 18-year.''

 

 

 

[A Cubs assistant brings a shot glass.]

 

 

"What? Did someone just declare prohibition again? Is this all The Ball gets? Gaylord Perry couldn't throw a decent spitter with this.''

[A Cubs assistant brings a bottle.]

 

"That's better. Now, this drink reminds The Ball that the madmen plotting his demise are claiming Harry Caray would 'want it this way.' To that, The Ball just says this: The only thing Harry would want right now is a nice, cold Old Style and a clear lane from the booth to the bathroom.

 

 

 

"And do you really think you can kill The Ball anyway? Do what you will with the horsehide and the yarn, my friends, but The Ball has a solid rubber core. The Ball's spirit was here long before you (ask the Billy Goat) and it'll be here long after you've had your flashy little party tomorrow night. You want The Ball? You can't handle The Ball. Kill The Ball and The Ball goes martyr on your sorry asses. He goes immortally yard.

"The Ball goes yard in Wrigley and St. Louis and Houston and Arizona and he goes yard in California and Texas and New York! And he goes yard in South Florida and Pittsburgh and Milwaukee and Detroit. And when the Expos move to Washington, D.C., The Ball goes so yard there he sails through the window and right into the White House. Yeeeeeaaaaah!"

 

 

 

[The Ball collapses. There is a long, awkward silence that is broken by the occasional reporter sniffling and holding back tears. Then a Cubs assistant steps to the podium.]

"Thank you for attending today,'' the assistant says. "And if you'll hold on a minute, we'll have the cork from Sammy Sosa's bat up here for you.''

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This whole "Bartman Ball" thing is another perfect example of why the Cubs/Cubfans are so f***ing lame!

 

"They" should be blowing up Dusty Baker if "they" want to "kill" the cause of why "they" didn't go to the Series last year!!!

 

I wonder who/what "they" are going to blame it on this year!!!

 

:fthecubs :fthecubs :fthecubs

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Ladies and Gentlemen, John Kass

 

There is only one man in the United States who deserves to decide what happens to the Bartman ball.

 

And his name isn't Katie Couric.

 

It's not Harry Caray's Restaurant boss Grant DePorter, who paid more than $100,000 for the ball at auction and will destroy it--as part of some ritualized fake Cubsian exorcism--on Thursday.

 

The guy who should be deciding about what happens to the Bartman ball is a real baseball fan.

 

His name is Steve Bartman.

 

He paid for it. Not with money, but with his name, pride and pain.

 

So if there is justice in Chicago, the Bartman ball would be placed in Bartman's hands.

 

It should happen just about the time Couric and her fellow perky morning partners at the "Today" show begin their "exclusive" interview with DePorter, about how he plans to destroy the ball and free the Cubs from their alleged curses.

 

These alleged curses include the curse of the goat and the curse of Bartman, who reached out and touched a foul ball in Game 6 of the 2003 National League Championship Series, which allegedly caused the Cubs to choke.

 

Yet there is a real curse by a White Sox fan that mysteriously compelled Bartman to reach for that foul ball. It is the Kassian Curse, and I'll consider removing this evil hex only if the Cubs trade Mark Prior to the Sox for some Harry Chappas memorabilia.

 

The latest chapter of the Bartman ball saga is one of those not-quite-real stories that TV loves, and provides oodles of free publicity for Harry Caray's.

 

But Steve Bartman is a real person.

 

And they should take that ball and deliver it to his house. They don't have to do anything fancy. Just drop it in a brown paper bag, toss in some peanuts, leave it on the front step and ring the doorbell.

 

Then back off, let a lonely hand come out and take it and draw it back inside.

 

Harry Caray's has received millions of dollars worth of publicity already. Charities have received money too. And TV has received the kind of canned subject matter that it loves.

 

So what does Steve Bartman get?

 

As all Chicago baseball fans know by now--even those who only pretend to like baseball--Bartman gets infamy.

 

He was at Game 6 of the NLCS last year, at Wrigley Field, in the 8th inning with the Cubs leading, when a foul ball was hit toward him in the stands.

 

Several fans forgot the game situation (they're Cubs fans) and reached for the ball. Bartman was the unlucky fellow who actually touched it, deflecting it away from the waiting, outstretched glove of Cubs outfielder Moises Alou.

 

Since they're the Cubs, the inevitable happened. The pitcher threw fat pitches, the fielders couldn't field, the manager couldn't manage and the Cubs choked in Game 6 and then again in Game 7.

 

Bartman was blamed, since blaming the actual Cubs was more difficult than believing in a curse.

 

I was at that game--as a White Sox fan whispering ancient Greek incantations, hoping they'd choke and they did--and ran over to where Bartman was sitting.

 

The fans threw beer on him and hurled insults, yelling terrible things at him.

 

A lawyer named Jim picked up the ball. He told me that he graduated from Marist High School and grew up in Sox country in Oak Lawn as a Cubs fan.

 

So what are you going to do with the ball?

 

"I don't know," said Marist Jim from Oak Lawn, the treasure safely in his pocket, as Bartman leaned forward in his own seat, hands over his head, rocking back and forth in unspeakable mental pain.

 

Marist Jim made more than $100,000 by putting that ball up for auction. But what does Bartman get, what's his end?

 

Chicago is the home of the Outfit, and the politics have always been crooked. The politicians and friends of theirs have been sucking up so much public money on inside deals that the sidewalks are collapsing from the weight of the property tax bills.

 

Still, Chicago prides itself on being a just town, fair and reasonable, full of people who understand justice.

 

And Chicago justice demands that the ball should not be destroyed as a stunt. Instead, it should be handed to the man who has suffered for it the most.

 

Bartman could pulverize it, or he could save it.

 

Or he might want to cleanse the curse by walking out to his neighborhood baseball diamond when nosy reporters aren't around and quietly toss it onto the grass.

 

Later, the neighborhood kids could beat it further into anonymity with their bats, say during a pickup game, with right field closed and pitcher's hands out.

 

If there are such games anymore. If there are such curses.

 

Give Steve Bartman his ball.

 

[email protected]

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This whole "Bartman Ball" thing is another perfect example of why the Cubs/Cubfans are so f***ing lame!

 

"They" should be blowing up Dusty Baker if "they" want to "kill" the cause of why "they" didn't go to the Series last year!!!

 

I wonder who/what "they" are going to blame it on this year!!!

 

:fthecubs :fthecubs    :fthecubs

think about this. why are the cubs doing this? publicity. plain and simple. and it is working. yea, it is dumber than a box of rocks but it is doing the job it was supposed to. i just wish the sox were able to come up with this type of marketing.

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A lawyer named Jim picked up the ball. He told me that he graduated from Marist High School and grew up in Sox country in Oak Lawn as a Cubs fan.

 

What is the deal Marist Alum and the Cubs? Brian graduated from there and was a Cub fan until a few years ago. Another reason to add to the list of why I don't like Marist. :lol:

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Another outstanding article by Kass. He's one of ours. :headbang

 

This whole thing with the ball is by far the stupidest, most moronic, most brainless publicity stunt I've ever seen. And what's really sick is that in a lot of Cubs Fans' twisted minds, the ball represents Steve Bartman. When they blow the ball up, a lot of sicko stupid Cubs drones will actually somehow mentally convince themselves that Bartman was blown up. They've given the ball a "human-like" quality. Those are some scary people, I gotta tell ya. :headshake

 

If they want to blow up the REAL reason for the blown Game 6 - then take Dusty Baker, Mark Prior, and Alex Gonzalez, put them in the middle of the room, stuff some sticks of TNT up each of their asses, and light the fuses.

 

Actually, do it anyways, since I can't wait until July 4th, and I'd like to see some fireworks.

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What is the deal Marist Alum and the Cubs?  Brian graduated from there and was a Cub fan until a few years ago.  Another reason to add to the list of why I don't like Marist.  :lol:

hey i go to marist ;) but it sucks so I take no offense. :lol:

But unfortunately, i'd say the baseball fans there are about 50/50, sox and cubs. Which is pathetic for being a south side school.

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