Some funnies...

[Steff]

Subject: Man of the House

 

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House",

by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and

walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said,

"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my

word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when

I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

 

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's

going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

"The f***ing funeral director," said his wife.

 

 

**********************

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided that she was pregnant.

 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

 

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

 

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

 

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

 

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

 

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

*****************************

 

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the

bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,

orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Everytime the young man

looked, the old man was staring.

 

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,

never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex

with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

 

*****************************

 

Future Pizza ordering procedure

 

How we will order pizza in the not too distant future...

 

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"

 

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

 

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

 

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

 

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland

Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at

Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which

number are you calling from, sir?"

 

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

 

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

 

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order 2 large All-Meat Special pizzas."

 

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

 

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

 

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely

high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

 

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

 

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."

 

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

 

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir.

That's why I made the suggestion."

 

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."

 

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. Your total is $49.99."

 

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

 

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

 

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

 

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

 

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

 

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

 

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

 

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.

 

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

 

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2008 conviction for cussing out a cop."

 

Customer: (Speechless)

 

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

 

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".

 

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."