Pope

[zach61]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo

(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still

standing on the curb.

 

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take

your seat so we can leave?"

 

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive

today."

 

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

 

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

 

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

 

"So bust him," said the Chief.

 

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

 

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

 

Cop: "Bigger"

 

Chief: "Governor?"

 

Cop: "Bigger"

 

"Well, said the Chief, "Who is it?"

 

Cop: "I think it's God!"

 

Chief: "What makes you think it is God?"

 

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[HighHeat45]

good 1

[Queen Prawn]

LMAO!

[Texsox]

[FlaSoxxJim]

Excellent!

[AssHatSoxFan]

that was a good laugh

[zach23]

Centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert, or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish communtity. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

 

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the deabate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian or Latin and the Pope spoke no Hebrew or Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

 

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute, before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

 

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed the the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

 

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten. Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay.

 

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope. asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only on God common to both our beliefs."

 

"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

 

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well", said Rabbi Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up Yours!"

 

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him Mr. Pope we are staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?", said Rabbi Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

[HighHeat45]

[Queen Prawn]

LOL!

[HighHeat45]

I found a good Religous Joke, its not the pope though

 

 

HEAVEN'S GETTING CROWDED

 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the

admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you

had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would

go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first

person came to the gates of Heaven.

 

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,

"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you

died."

 

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my

lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere

in sight; immediately I began searching for him. My wife was half naked and

yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to

give up I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was

a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

 

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to

the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes

that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a

rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to

throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the

refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it

over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of

the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost

instantly."

 

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a

bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir.

Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

 

A few seconds later the next guy came up. Greetings, friend: before I can

let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died,"

The man said, "no problem. But your not going to believe this, I was on the

balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been

under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.

I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the

side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony

below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment,

starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit

some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so didn't die right

away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in

excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off

the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me

instantly."

 

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I

could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well sir,"

the Angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man

enter.

 

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is

almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through

the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it

was like the day you died.

 

"Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a

refrigerator..........and.......

[mreye]

 

I knew something was coming, but I didn't know what.

[IlliniBob72]

[Soxy]

This one is kind of mean, but I love it...

 

A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is showing him around, this is the Pearly Gates. This is where the choir practices, this is where we all eat together, this is where the children practice. The man who died is just amazed by all of the beautiful things and wonderful places in heaven. And he and St. Peter are talking about all of the fabulous opportunities that there are in heaven. But when they get near a very big and long wall St. Peter raises his finger to his lips and signals for the man to be quiet. The man is very confused--but he is quiet until they get away from the wall.

 

After they start talking again, the man says, but what was that all about? Why did I have to be so quiet? St. Peter responded, well, the Catholics are on the other side of that wall--and they like to think they're the only ones up here...

 

Kind of mean, but my mom grew up Irish Catholic and it's her favorite joke.

 

My favorite joke is: What do Catholic Cannibals eat on Friday?

Fishermen!

[Soxy]

Oh, and here's a cute Sven and Ole joke...

 

Sven was a good Lutheran and wanted to save his good friend Ole. They had been good friends ever since they had met on a cold Minnesota day loooong ago So he gave Ole a bible in an attempt to bring him over to the Lutheran side. So, Ole promised to read the bible over the weekend. Well, the next Monday at work Sven asked Ole how he liked the Bible. Ole said, well there was a lot in there about St. Paul--but nothing about Minneapolis!