The Guys Rules

[southsider2k5]

I got this as a forward in an email... enjoy.

 

 

The Guys' Rules

 

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please

note... these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it

down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about

you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let

it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that

way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what

we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,

all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to

act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for

example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea

what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's

wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you

don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is

fine...Really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss

such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

 

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men

really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[NUKE_CLEVELAND]

LMFAO!!!!!!!!

 

 

The very words I live by.

 

 

[israel4ever]

#1 is my favorite one. I can't stand when my wife b****es about the seat being up, but, G-d forbid there's a tiny drop of ANY liquid on the seat!

[Texsox]

Blind Date

 

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

 

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

 

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

 

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

 

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

 

He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

 

"Wousy," said the girl.

[Texsox]

Ten Things You'll never hear a woman say

 

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".

5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

[Queen Prawn]

Okay, mostly true, but had to add to retorts.

 

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

My mother has several times (usually it was Gramma reminding her, not my dad.

 

8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

I said this (Brian uses this as one of his bragging points to his friends).

 

6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".

No comment. .

 

3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

I do this all the time (actually he'll tell me what the caller ID says and I tell him to ignore it lol).

 

2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

The only dress I am willing to spend more than $40 or $50 on is my wedding dress and with the turn of events, it might be only $40 or $50.

[NUKE_CLEVELAND]

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

You mean a significant anniversery like the 1st or 10th or 25th.........

 

 

..........or meaningless stupid and rediculous ones like the 5th month anniversery.

 

I got my ass chewed for forgetting a 5 month anniversery. I broke up with her on the spot.

[Texsox]

A guy walks in the bar totally pissed off from the two hours before. His hair soaked, and his knuckles beet red. He sits at the stool and orders the bartender to give him 3 shots of tequila.

"Alright now, sir, before you get an attitude with me, tell me whats the matter." The guy looks at the bartedner and begins his story.

"Alright man, I was at the bar down the street and I was talkin' to this fine ass hunny. And she was really feelin' me, ya'know?" The bartender looks confused and says "Yea...well, that doesn't sound so bad."

"Yea? Well let me finish. She asked if I wanted to go to her hotel room. Taken aback, I agreed. So I go to her hotel and fool around a bit. And I'm thinking I'm really scoring with this chick. In the midst of doing our "duty" we hear big footsteps comming down the hall. Terrified the girl tells me shes sorry and that she has a boyfriend, but she'd be happy to leave him for me.

Agreeing with everything this girl is saying i agree to hide. So I'm running around this room, and the first place I think of hiding is under the bed, but then, no, thats the first place he'd look. Second, I think of hiding in the bathroom, but of course he'd look there. So, like the fool I am, I decide to dangle from the balcony as her angry boyfriend walks in.

I hear him ranting and raving about how he knows shes foolin around on him and that he'll hunt me down and kill me. So after a few loud noises the boyfriend mysteriously goes into the bathroom and I hear water running.

So, ya'know, I'm thinking this guys gonna take a bath. But then, he returns, and dumps scolding hot water over my head."

"Yea," the bartender says, "I'd be pissed about that too."

"No, I'm not finished. So when I finally think I've taken enough, still dangling from the window sill, the boyfriend, not nearly has had enough, slams the door over my knuckles five times till i scream..."

"Damn, the bartender says. "So thats why your pissed huh?"

"No, I'm not done."

"Well will you please just get to it?"

"Yea, I look down and I'm only two feet off the ground."

[Texsox]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he`d sleep with Tom

Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in

a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we`re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we`re living with two sluts and a queer."

[YASNY]

You mean a significant anniversery like the 1st or 10th or 25th.........

 

 

..........or meaningless stupid and rediculous ones like the 5th month anniversery.

 

I got my ass chewed for forgetting a 5 month anniversery.  I broke up with her on the spot.

Good move!