Taking a poop at work: Survival Guide

[ChiSox_Sonix]

I grabbed this off of another message board a while ago. The guy unfortunatelt forgot where he had found it. Very funny read.

 

What Happens When I'm At WORK and I have to Poop?

 

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

 

For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the.........

 

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

 

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

 

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the s***ter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

 

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

 

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

 

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

 

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathr

[mreye]

We've had in depth discussions about this at work. I'm one of those that can't do it. I've been here for over two years, and have yet to take a dump.

[AssHatSoxFan]

oh man that was a good laugh... and its true

[SuperSteve]

oh man that was a good laugh... and its true

I agree....its funny.

[SoxFan1]

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

 

Those 2 had me on the floor.

[Steff]

This one is pretty funny

 

 

Things to do while in the bathroom stall

 

1. Stick your hand under the stall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a

highlighter?”

2. Say, “Uh-Oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time someone breaks the silence with a bodily

function noise.

4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh my God! My glass eye!”

6. Say, “Dang this water is cold!”

7. Grunt and strain for 30 seconds and then drop a canelope into the toilet

bowl and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get here?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the

stall walls and say, “Whoa, easy boy!”

11. Say, “Interesting, more floaters than sinkers.”

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet

paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor and say, ”Whoops, could

you kick that back over here, please?”

13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy, don’t fall asleep on me now!”

14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a magot!”

15. Say, “Dang, I knew that drain hole looked a little too small. Now what

am I gonna do?”

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay your “Cross-Dressers

Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall so you can see your

neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”

[ChiSox_Sonix]

11. Say, “Interesting, more floaters than sinkers.”

for some reason, this one just made me laugh hysterically

[Steff]

#10 cracks me up!!

[SuperSteve]

This one is pretty funny

 

 

Things to do while in the bathroom stall

 

1. Stick your hand under the stall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a

highlighter?”

2. Say, “Uh-Oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time someone breaks the silence with a bodily

function noise.

4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh my God! My glass eye!”

6. Say, “Dang this water is cold!”

7. Grunt and strain for 30 seconds and then drop a canelope into the toilet

bowl and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get here?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the

stall walls and say, “Whoa, easy boy!”

11. Say, “Interesting, more floaters than sinkers.”

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet

paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor and say, ”Whoops, could

you kick that back over here, please?”

13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy, don’t fall asleep on me now!”

14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a magot!”

15. Say, “Dang, I knew that drain hole looked a little too small. Now what

am I gonna do?”

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay your “Cross-Dressers

Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall so you can see your

neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”

Oh I had a tear there....damn Steff ya outdid yourself.

[Texsox]

We had compiled the list of a work history via bathroom habits

 

Never goes: New employee, still meeting everyone

 

Finally goes: Met everyone, quick in and out

 

Don't go in there! *laugh* been here a while, happy with job and co-workers

 

Pisses on floor: He's got the resume out

 

Leaves a surprise dropping: Resume success, he's out of there

[DBAHO]

Readin this I felt really sorry for my Dad, he has to go back to Malaysia next week for work, and at the building where he works, at the toilet there's no toilet paper, only a hose. And there's no seat, only a crouching position.

[YASNY]

Making mental note: Before any trips to Malaysia, pack toilet paper and toilet seat.

[DBAHO]

Making mental note:  Before any trips to Malaysia, pack toilet paper and toilet seat.

And any trip to Asia.

[FlaSoxxJim]

We've had in depth discussions about this at work. I'm one of those that can't do it. I've been here for over two years, and have yet to take a dump.

Not me. Any time, any place, as long as it's not another person's house - I draw the lline there.

[DonkeyKongerko]

Alot of this reminds me of pooping at school back in the day. Fun times.

[SuperSteve]

Not me.  Any time, any place, as long as it's not another person's house - I draw the lline there.

I agree.

[whitesoxin']

Alot of this reminds me of pooping at school back in the day.  Fun times.

Oh yes they are fun times. It seems like you run into the same people everyday at the same time. The farting contests with the baseball team get quite competitive too.