Darwin Awards

[DBAHO]

From an E-mail,

 

THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS

 

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual

honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by

killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's

winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled

over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

 

And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....

 

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,

because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with

milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited

into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire

burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

 

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home

died of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6' 2" tall

and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black

and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying

to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas

mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached

in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons

unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task

of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

(Damn it...I want pictures!!!)

 

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude

when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon

the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft

and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants

around their ankles.

 

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he

tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad

trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,

taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one

foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped

and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said

investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.

"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the

distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say

the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

 

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and

a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.

The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

 

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the

smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,

extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas

company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they

had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the

lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the

technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that

resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like

object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to

three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the

lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected

of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

 

...AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....

 

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez

tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf

course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,

Sanchez

managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the

machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by

spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place,

thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed

his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.

Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than

a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,

and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped

open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and

remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and

flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the

rotating machinary inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a

new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was

using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery,

and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't> die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act

of stupidity, we have allowed it.

[1549]

I read the book in a day, it was so funny

[SnB]

#1 = :puke

[ChiSox_Sonix]

[kapkomet]

:puke

 

That last one makes you think of marbles all over the floor, with balls flying everywhere.

[Xero]

[Goldmember]

#1 = :puke

i agree... :puke

[soxman352000]

The washing your balls in the ball washer is a classic

[Texsox]

Now he's hung like a horse, if his horse is a gelding

 

He's going to gain a couple pounds, but he'll stay closer to home, will not roam as much.

 

No Bull, he's all Steer.