I'll post this here but it could have gone in SLaP

[kapkomet]

NHL Players Locked Out By Wives, Girlfriends

 

 

In a much anticipated move, the wives and girlfriends of NHL players have locked out their husbands and boyfriends after eleventh hour negotiations between the two sides fell through.

 

Negotiations stalled when NHL players balked at their wives and girlfriends’ revenue sharing proposal in late March, and the women, who had been threatening a lockout since the end of last season, made good on their word when they officially changed the locks on their houses and apartments at 12:01 a.m. Monday morning.

 

Scott Stevens’ wife Karissa said she locked Scott out of their 5-bedroom, 3-bathroom manor home in Hunterdon County, New Jersey because he refused to give her $5,000 she had asked for to go shopping.

 

“It was tough seeing Scottie out there in the rain, just ringing the doorbell, but I have to stand by the girls. I’m not going to cross any picket lines," said Karissa.

 

"I love the guy to pieces, but he better get used to crappy continental breakfasts at the Motel 6," continued Karissa. "Sure is tough on the children, though. It’s hard for the kids when daddy’s watching bad porn in a dingy motel instead of helping them with their homework.”

 

Jan Whitehead, president of the NHWU (National House Wives Union), says that the NHL players will continue to be holed up in motel rooms until they give the women what they want.

 

“I hate to be the b**** here, but the boys have to get together and decide what’s more important—sticking to their guns and not getting laid, or giving in to the ladies’ demands and being able to have sex again.”

 

With support from the NHWU, the wives of NHL players are proposing widespread changes to the current revenue sharing structure.

 

Under the current agreement that has been in place since 1994, wives receive 29% of players’ salaries to spend at their leisure, and 14% of any bonus money earned in the playoffs. They’re asking for 37%, and an additional 6% for the playoffs.

 

The NHWU is also proposing a cap on player spending on such items as cars, SUVs, electronic equipment, and gambling, and a clause which would ban all stinky hockey equipment from inside their homes, but these demands are likely to be swept under the rug if the two sides can agree on the revenue sharing structure.

 

Catherine Shanahan, wife of Detroit Red Wings forward Brendan Shanahan, said the additional revenue sharing “is the least they can do for making us put up with their scars, lack of teeth, and those disgustingly shaggy playoff beards for eight months out of the year.”

 

Mats Sundin, who was locked out of his 5-bedoom, 4.5 bathroom home on the shores of Lake Ontario in Scarborough, speaks for all NHL players when he says he doesn’t believe there should be revenue sharing at all.

 

“I just think it’s bad for the game,” said Sundin, whose girlfriend Gretchen just bought $2,500 worth of shoes Sunday with one of the revenue sharing checks she received from Mats. “I mean, it’s not easy to stay focused out there on the ice when you’re worried about your wife blowing money on day spa retreats and cute outfits for the dog.”

Shanahan echoed those sentiments, saying, “their [the wives] demands are completely outrageous. We [the players] get paid to do a job, and we do it well. I slave away all night, get cross-checked in the face by players like Vancouver Canucks’ forward Matt Cooke, end up losing two teeth, and after the game I’m expected to give up close to half my salary so my wife can buy the latest Louis Vuitton handbag?"

 

"Don’t get me wrong," continues Shanahan. "I have no problem with buying her some flowers every once in a while if I mess up, or maybe some nice jewelry for Valentine’s Day, but his is getting ridiculous.”

 

 

To add more pressure on the players, the wives and girlfriends have also instituted a work stoppage.

 

“They have to at least meet us halfway on this. I don’t think our demands are outrageous, and until they meet us somewhere in the middle, I’ll be damned if I’m going to pick up around the place or do Pavel’s laundry,” said Olga Datsyuk, wife of Red Wings all-star C Pavel Datsyuk. “And if he thinks I’m going to be doing any dusting, he’s got another think coming.”

 

Although most NHL players are staying faithful to their wives and girlfriends during the lockout, others have secretly begun making preparations to hire scabs to fill in until the lockout is over. Although most women won’t risk being ostracized by crossing over the picket lines, several call girls are rumored to be thinking about filling in for the wives.

 

“It’s not every day you get a chance at the big leagues,” said an unidentified dancer at Girls, Girls, Girls Gentleman’s Club outside of Toronto, Ontario. “Usually our clients are old, lonely, middle income guys down on their luck. We’d be crazy not to jump at the chance to work with professional hockey players with deep pockets.”

[SuperSteve]

“It was tough seeing Scottie out there in the rain, just ringing the doorbell, but I have to stand by the girls. I’m not going to cross any picket lines," said Karissa.

 

 

Haha, just awesome. A little weird, but awesome.