muse

[hi8is]

this is a little longer then a page in a word editor... just me talking about stuff, im sure that some of you remember the whole katie fieasco, well... this relates to it

im working a lot on my writing as of late so if you could tell me what you think, give a little feedback into the quality of my little blog, id apricate it. dont worry about my bad spelling and grammer thou.

 

adios amigos

"a new day.

 

I dont know if she understands how much i'm going through right now.

If she knew how much i needed some help, would she be here for me? Or would she shy away and leave me alone? Would she be here locked in her, precious little shell? Im pretty sure she has the feeling that I'm broken, but I know for certian she has no idea of the extent. Sure its cold right now, and that's the reason im shaking. The sensation of my physical body... shaking... fits nice with the feeling i have pressing through my soul. It's one of my only comforts right now.

 

I guess im making progress thou.

 

Yesterday I woke up and cried, all balled up in the fetel position. every single thing in my room reminded me that... indeed... I was alone and that she was not lying next to me. I reached out to what used to be her pillow but it gave me no responce in return. The pictures on the walls couldn't talk back to me. My nose seemed to be filtering out her scent in everything that was around. And no matter how much i tried i couldn't get a grip on the eluding emptyness i was trying to hold with my hands. In some way, it felt good.

 

This morning i woke up and just, couldn't go back to sleep. That was frustrating, because sleeps been one of the best parts of my life right now. I get to go to a place that is far away from my chest and accually, be with her. Eh.... even in my dreams, she's distant and dosen't open herself to me. Who cares, its something... and i get to see her.

 

I dont think there's an isolation more pure in tone then that of emotion. The tremendious swells of furious, beautiful, waves who crash along the shores inside my rib cage. Emotion. No one can understand this because i can't put it to words, its ethereal. No one can see this because the eyes in this world are blind to it. No one can smell this because i accually flush my s*** and piss down the toliet. No one can taste this because the buds of a touge have no such ability, evolutionist and darwinist: take note. I am the only one who can touch this, because my heart is the center of touch. It is me.

 

Wither away. Grow again someday soon and be bigger then you were... to begin with.

 

I need to clarify something here. I am NOT the only one who can TOUCH THIS, I may just be the only one who can FEEL THIS LIKE I DO. She could touch this, by opening her heart to mine. She could touch this so deeply that my pain would become her pain and together we could... help eachother. You know, play doctor and nurse like when we were kids.

 

Music can touch this and has. When you're in such a place like this, without one doubt... you feel completely alone. Your on a small raft in a vast sea of the unknown. It's the middle of winter and the waters pigment has completely vanished. Leaving only a black pool of wind caps, rough choops, and dence rolling hills. Somehow, while you fight the rope of the stern, you can yeal and scream... at God.

 

There is a music underneath this dance.

 

Its this kind of release, this kind of artistic creativity, this dance, that binds us. The fragile music who holds me like a blanket... just might have a stronger, deeper, and more compassionate understanding behind it. The emotions who wove this blanket are not mine. Still, I AM UNDERSTOOD. The words, sights, and sounds strike a chord and create a quiet warth within. In my own personal way, i understand the emotion. The fact that others can hit the nail on the head and drive it to my core gives me hope and makes me feel less isolated. They can relate."