CSF Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 This season's misfit toys By Jim Caple Page 2 Forget "Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men." The sweetest words at this most joyous time of year are: "I included the receipt." The problem with the Christmas season is pretending to appreciate all those gifts you receive but for which you don't have the slightest desire. The Cream? Dammit! I specifically asked for the Clear! We've all received our share of unwanted ties, sweater vests and Jim Carrey DVDs but unfortunately, even when friends and relatives go the extra distance for fans, their gifts often miss the mark. Just consider the following returns made to the exchange department at the Major League Baseball official merchandise store: Moises Alou signature model baseball glove. The leather has a damp feel and my fingers take on this rather unpleasant odor whenever I wear it. "Who's Your Daddy?" and "1918" T-shirts. They're completely out of style, no matter what the salesman on the street claimed. Curt Schilling replica socks. I can't get the blood stains out no matter how many times I wash them. Alex Rodriguez replica Yankees jersey. Turns out, it doesn't really fit, after all. Do you have anything with "Beltran" or "Johnson" on the back? Kevin Brown fitted cap. Too small. No room for the cerebral cortex, medulla oblongata or brain stem. 2004 editions of "Total Baseball," the "Baseball Encyclopedia," the Neft and Cohen "Encyclopedia of Baseball" and "The Sporting News Record Book." Woefully inaccurate. For some reason, they all list George Sisler as holding the all-time record for hits in a season. Barry Bonds bobblehead doll. Keeps toppling over from being top-heavy. Authentic Hiram Bithorn Stadium boxseat. All the dust covering it aggravates my asthma. Montreal Expos fitted cap. Actually, I don't want to return it. But I misplaced it somewhere and was wondering whether anyone found it anywhere. Fred McGriff "500th Home Run" commemorative T-shirt. Maybe it will fit better next year once I lose 30 pounds. Trot Nixon batting helmet. My fingers keep sticking to it. Ceramic model of Wrigley Field. Cracks in the foundation. Atlanta Braves division championship T-shirt. I already have 12 just like it in my closet. Kansas City Royals season highlight video. Something must be wrong -- the tape was blank. Dodgers replica jersey. Meant to give it to someone but changed my mind. Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball video game. Keeps breaking. Jason Giambi replica belt. Doesn't fit -- the pants still keep falling down. Washington Nationals fitted cap. There isn't anyplace I could wear it. Rally Monkey lucky foot. Stopped working. "Moneyball" by Michael Lewis. Waiting for the updated version after the 2005 season to see if the ending comes out any different. David Ortiz model baseball shoes. Too big to fill. Pedro Martinez replica Mets jersey. Far too expensive. And finally ... On second thought, I'll keep that Washington Nationals cap. Maybe I will be able to wear it, anyway. Oh, and one last thought for all those fans who didn't get quite what they wanted: Don't worry. There's always 2005. Happy New Year. Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonkeyKongerko Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 QUOTE(ChiSoxFan @ Jan 4, 2005 -> 02:13 AM) Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball video game. Keeps breaking. Oh SNAP! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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