Catch-All Anything Thread

[Balta1701]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.  So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

 

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be right over. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

 

"The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

So that's what happened with Cheney and that guy!

[whitesoxin']

= too delicous for words.

Ewwww

 

My sister brought those home for me from Germany, and they are quite possibly the worst gummi candy I've ever eaten. If I want Cola, I'll drink a cola and not eat a gummi.

[SnB]

Ewwww

 

My sister brought those home for me from Germany, and they are quite possibly the worst gummi candy I've ever eaten. If I want Cola, I'll drink a cola and not eat a gummi.

communist.

[Kalapse]

communist.

I do believe you're the communist, mister eater of communist candy. Haribo was founded in 1920 in Germany, sounds pretty damn communist to me.

[FlaSoxxJim]

I do believe you're the communist, mister eater of communist candy. Haribo was founded in 1920 in Germany, sounds pretty damn communist to me.

 

The German socialist revolution was put down by March of 1919. So maybe Haribo Gummis are the most democratic of all Gummis. . .

[santo=dorf]

Is that Steve Buscemi in the Starburst commercial where he steals everything?

[DBAHO]

I won $120 in a 6 man game of Poker last night, in what was probably the flukiest win in my life. I should have been knocked out at least twice, but pulled out the card I needed on the river.

 

Needless to say, the Scotsman wasn't happy when I took his chips, and he let me know about it.

[Texsox]

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a woman, the allowable exaggeration rate

rises to 400 percent.)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. b****ing about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.

27. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.

28. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "leave me alone!" you are absolved of your responsibility.

[Middle Buffalo]

Yeah, they make them in every size, but that doesn't mean that every girl should wear a thong.

[WHarris1]

Why the f*** is it -7 degrees outside?

[Kalapse]

Why the f*** is it -7 degrees outside?

Because you touch yourself at night. And in the Morning and during the day.

[BigSqwert]

Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land

 

February 15, 2006 | Issue 42•07

 

GAINESVILLE, FL—Although dolphins have long been celebrated for their high intelligence and for appearing to have a complex language, a team of researchers at the University of Florida reported Monday that these traits are markedly less evident on dry land.

 

According to study researchers, a group of 25 bottlenose dolphins removed from their holding tanks failed 11 exercises designed to test their basic cognitive abilities and reasoning skills.

 

"The dolphins were incapable of recognizing and repeating simple gestures," said study co-author Dr. Scott Lindell. "Their non-verbal communications were limited to a rapid constriction and expansion of the blowhole, various incomprehensible fin motions, and heavy tremors while they lay prone on the lab table."

 

After capturing the dolphins from the ocean, Lindell and his colleagues tagged them and placed them under the intense, high-wattage lights of a moisture-proof lab. The researchers then administered an extensive battery of tests designed to measure everything from the dolphins' self-awareness to their aptitude for writing and reading comprehension.

 

"Dolphins have a popular reputation for being excellent communicators," Lindell said. "But our study group offered only three types of response to every question we posed: a nonsensical, labored wheezing, an earsplitting barrage of unintelligible high-pitched shrieks, and in extreme cases, a shrill, distressed scream."

 

Even the dolphins' proven ability to navigate through a form of sonar called echolocation was ineffective on land.

 

"The military has claimed great success in training these mammals, utilizing their echolocation skills to detect mines that have been placed underwater," said Lindell, who conducted a similar experiment in a concrete parking lot. "We were unable to replicate this finding ourselves."

 

Lindell added: "In most cases, the dolphins succeeded in finding land mines only when we placed them directly on top of the mines."

 

A dolphin performs poorly in a University of Florida land-based locomotion test.

 

In another test, several pounds of mackerel were placed on the ground, separated from the test dolphins by only 20 feet of concrete. The dolphins were unable to reach the food and feed themselves.

 

Despite their failures in the initial series of tests, the animals were given further opportunities to demonstrate their intelligence on land. The dolphins were unable to display novel behaviors, use a map to pinpoint their location on campus (spatial reasoning), or complete a simple obstacle course and wall climb.

 

"Their learning curve was actually negative," Lindell said. "The more time we gave them to complete basic land-based tests, the more pitiful their efforts became, with many of them opting to bask in the sun rather than perform a simple task."

 

"In some cases," Lindell added, "the dolphins appeared to be looking directly into our eyes, as if pleading with us to help them perform better in these tests."

 

Many scientists believe these findings may help to explain why dolphins, for all their vaunted intelligence, have never developed technology or agriculture, or harnessed the power of fire—skills still exclusively in the domain of Homo sapiens.

 

Said Lindell: "Their failure is a great disappointment to all of us who once felt an intelligence-based kinship with these majestic animals."

Edited February 18, 2006 by BigSqwert

[greasywheels121]

Is that from the Onion?? No s***, dolphins aren't smart outside their natural habitat.

[BigSqwert]

Is that from the Onion??  No s***, dolphins aren't smart outside their natural habitat.

Yes. Onion article.

[Heads22]

Manny Ramirez Escapes Murder Charges with “Manny Being Manny” Defense

 

Boston Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez was picked up by Boston police Sunday night for murdering two people, but avoided formal charges when he explained that the brutal slayings were simply “Manny being Manny.”

 

Witnesses saw Ramirez beat to death two people who heckled him early Sunday morning outside his Boston home. The victims were native New Yorkers who reportedly mocked Ramirez’s shoddy outfield play when they happened to see the slugger step outside his front door to grab the morning paper.

 

“Manny just snapped all of a sudden,” said an eyewitness. “He grabbed an umbrella rack from inside his front door, ran out of the house and just started bludgeoning them. It was brutal and very frightening.”

 

Police were called to the scene, gathered the reports of eyewitnesses, and took Ramirez into custody after Boston’s game Sunday night against the Oakland A’s to formally charge him with two murders.

 

 

But within minutes, Ramirez was cleared by police and allowed to return home after he explained his actions.

 

“He laid it out for us very clearly,” said Detective Cliff Farber. “He explained that his actions were just ‘Manny being Manny,’ and really – there isn’t any kind of comeback for that. I mean, as a Boston Red Sox fan, I know that certain things come with the package that is Manny Ramirez. If you want his bat, you also have to have his glove and his general aloofness. That’s just ‘Manny being Manny,’ you know? And if ‘Manny being Manny’ now includes a few murders or violent crimes, so be it. We’re trying to repeat as world champions here. There’s not a New England sports fan in existence who wouldn’t forgive the brutal slayings of two dead New Yorkers if that would get us another title.”

 

Legal experts say Ramirez is lucky he used his trademark excuse to the police and not in a court because it likely would not have worked before a judge.

 

“To my knowledge, a ‘Manny being Manny’-type defense has never worked in a trial,” said Charlotte Chanel, a Boston attorney. “Charles Manson tried to use a ‘That’s just Charles being Charles’ defense when he was on trial, but the jury didn’t go for it. Although, when you think about all Manny has gotten away with in this town since he arrived, you never know what might have happened if he got a judge and jury that are Red Sox fans.”

[Gene Honda Civic]

WHY THE f*** can't I copy and paste anything?

[Gene Honda Civic]

Nevermind. Damn, musta been something with soxtalk. or atleast some freaky firefox issue.

[Heads22]

http://eqonion.com/video/riot.wmv

 

Yay, VEISHEA.

[whitesoxin']

An actor from Laguna Beach (Jason?) was at the Autoshow yesterday and he admitted that the show is fake. He also called another girl on the show a "fatass" and I asked him if he was sleeping with her and he resonded with "f*** no". When my friends and I first got up to the table, we told him that he is great in the OC and he was very thrown off, it was quite funny. He was a cool guy and didn't get mad at us for messing around with him.

[AddisonStSox]

If I wear Steve's clothes, do I gain his powers?

[Goober]

If I wear Steve's clothes, do I gain his powers?

Steve from Blue's Clues?

[SnB]

If by Steve you mean Snb, and by powers you mean sucking, then yes. Yes you do.

see Ian, tony knows.

[IlliniKrush]

If I wear Steve's clothes, do I gain his powers?

Or his lack of powers

[Rowand44]

So, I forgot that you have to be 21 to book a hotel(we ran into this problem for soxfest). I'm going to st louis next week and I need to book a hotel but I'm not 21. Krush, want to come to st louis with me and check us in again?

[Gene Honda Civic]

If I wear Steve's clothes, do I gain his powers?

I'm sure you can repel women on your own merits, Addy.