Catch-All Anything Thread

[Texsox]

How to Be a Curmudgeon on the Internet

 

Last week in my Times column

, I

referred to the five-note "Intel Inside" jingle often heard in TV ads.

At least a dozen readers e-mailed me to inform me that the jingle is

actually four notes, not five. As I've come to expect, some of these

readers expressed, ahem, somewhat more anger than the circumstances

might have seemed to require.

 

"If you have that much trouble counting on one hand," one wrote, "you

shouldn't be reviewing technology. Maybe a four-year-old can help you

out next time."

 

I replied to this reader that I'm including the first "ping" in my

tally. In that case, there ARE five notes in the jingle, as you can hear

here .

 

But my correspondent never wrote back. That, of course, would violate

the rules for being an Internet pill, reprinted here in their entirety,

courtesy of the Pills of the American Internet Neighborhood Society (PAINS):

 

RULES FOR TROLLS AND PILLS

 

WHEREAS, 95 percent of all the e-mail received by critics and columnists

is civil, friendly or respectfully constructive;

 

but WHEREAS, this is the Internet age, and we're all anonymous and can

avoid making eye contact forever;

 

and WHEREAS, there's so much information overload, a little heat and

drama on your part may be necessary just to be heard above the din;

 

and WHEREAS, many of those who fire off potshots are missing out on some

of the best techniques for effective snippiness;

 

THEREFORE let us now post the rules for membership in the Pills of the

American Internet Neighborhood Society.

 

1. Use the strongest language possible. Calling names is always

effective, and four-letter words show that you mean business.

 

2. Having a violent opinion of something doesn't require you to actually

try it yourself. After all, plenty of people heatedly object to books

they haven't read or movies they haven't seen. Heck, you can imagine

perfectly well if something is any good.

 

3. If it's a positive review that you didn't like, call the reviewer a

"fanboy." Do not entertain the notion that the product, service, show,

movie, book or restaurant might, in fact, be good. Instead, assume that

the reviewer has received payment from the reviewee. Work in the word

"shill" if possible.

 

4. If it's a negative review, call the reviewer a "basher" and describe

the review as a "hatchet job." Accuse him of being paid off by the

reviewee's *rival*.

 

5. If it's a mixed review, ignore the passages that balance the

argument. Pretend that the entire review is all positive or all

negative. Refer to it either as a "rave" or a "slam."

 

6. If you find a sentence early in the article that rubs you the wrong

way, you are by no means obligated to finish reading. Stop right where

you are--express your anger while it's still good and hot! What are the

odds that the writer is going to say anything else relevant to your

point later in the piece, anyway?

 

7. If the writer responds to your e-mail with evidence that you're wrong

(for example, by citing a paragraph that you overlooked), disappear

without responding. This is the anonymous Internet; slipping away

without consequence or civility is your privilege.

 

8. Trolling is making a deliberately inflammatory remark, one that you

know perfectly well is baloney, just to get a rise out of other people.

Trolling is an art. Trolling works just fine for an audience of one

(say, a journalist), but of course the real fun is trolling on public

bulletin boards where you can get dozens of people screaming at you

simultaneously. Comments on religion, politics or Mac-vs.-Windows are

always good bets. The talented troll sits back to enjoy the fireworks

with a smirk, and never, ever responds to the responses.

 

9. Don't let generalities slip by. Don't tolerate simplifications for

the sake of a non-technical audience. Ignore conditional words like

"generally," "usually" and "most." If you read a sentence that says, for

example, "The VisionPhone is among the first consumer videophones," cite

the reviewer's ignorance and laziness for failing to mention the

prototype developed by AT&T for the 1964 World's Fair. Send copies of

your note to the publication's publisher and, if possible, its advertisers.

 

And there you have it: the nine habits of highly effective pills. After

all: if you're going to be a miserable curmudgeon, you may as well do it

up right!

 

Join a discussion

of David Pogue's columns.

 

This week's Pogue's Posts

blog.

 

Visit David Pogue on the Web at /DavidPogue.com http://www.davidpogue.com.

[Heads22]

HICKORY PARK, OH MY GOD, YOU ARE GOOD

[LosMediasBlancas]

did anyone hear that about jarod from subway living in an apartment building with a subway store on the main street front? and THAT'S why he went there everyday...not to be healthy...but because he was a lazy ass. (and he had his stomach stapled)

 

a trava-sham-ockery.

 

Not true. I worked with his cousin, yep his direct 1st cousin.

[sox4lifeinPA]

Not true.  I worked with his cousin, yep his direct 1st cousin.

 

then what happened? It's 100% true he had his stomach stapled.

 

 

I had a friend who went to U of I and bloomington and allegedly there's an apartment complex right next to the subway that Jared went to all the time because it was the closest thing to him to eat.

 

I have a lot of 1st cousins that don't know jack about me, but if you have proof, then I will admit I heard wrong.

[sox4lifeinPA]

this falls under catch all....

 

I can't log onto soxtalk from computers at my college, probably because of the unfortunate incident last year involving a banning. So if a admin can unlock that, that would be great..... thanks.

[LosMediasBlancas]

then what happened? It's 100% true he had his stomach stapled.

I had a friend who went to U of I and bloomington and allegedly there's an apartment complex right next to the subway that Jared went to all the time because it was the closest thing to him to eat.

 

I have a lot of 1st cousins that don't know jack about me, but if you have proof, then I will admit I heard wrong.

 

I don't have any proof other than I worked with his cousin who said all the stories floating around are not true. Take it FWIW. By they way, I don't doubt that you were told those things, I'm not calling you a liar, but they are just rumors.

[greasywheels121]

then what happened? It's 100% true he had his stomach stapled.

I had a friend who went to U of I and bloomington and allegedly there's an apartment complex right next to the subway that Jared went to all the time because it was the closest thing to him to eat.

 

I have a lot of 1st cousins that don't know jack about me, but if you have proof, then I will admit I heard wrong.

 

First, it's IU in Bloomington, not UI.

 

However, the location much is true. There's an apartment building outside the southern edge of campus on top of a Subway building, and that's the "famed" Subway. However, I have no idea about him getting his stomach stapled. I personally wish he wasn't from the area.

 

In Indiana, we not only have to put up with the awful Subway commercials he's done, but we have to deal with additional Jared/Colts Subway commercials during the season.

[3E8]

I'm addicted to these:

 

[sox4lifeinPA]

First, it's IU in Bloomington, not UI.

 

However, the location much is true.  There's an apartment building outside the southern edge of campus on top of a Subway building, and that's the "famed" Subway.  However, I have no idea about him getting his stomach stapled.  I personally wish he wasn't from the area. 

 

In Indiana, we not only have to put up with the awful Subway commercials he's done, but we have to deal with additional Jared/Colts Subway commercials during the season.

 

 

I always get confused with UF and F U!

[sox4lifeinPA]

I don't have any proof other than I worked with his cousin who said all the stories floating around are not true.    Take it FWIW.    By they way, I don't doubt that you were told those things, I'm not calling you a liar, but they are just rumors.

 

 

sounds like PR spin to me

 

I knew you weren't calling me out. I have a cousin who was nominated for an Oscar and I try to steal his glory all the time

[Kalapse]

Lets say you have an HP zv6000 notebook and it's been acting funky for about a week now. First you were getting a blue error screen which would only flash for a second and then automatically restart your notebook. Since the screen only flashed you couldn't actually read what the error was. The one big give away as to what the problem is would be that as the laptop restarts on its own it also beeps very loudly with the same pattern each time.

 

Now after about a week of this it doesn't even start up anymore, when you hit the power button all it does is beep at you and show and black screen.

 

The beeping would lead you to believe that it could possibly be a problem with the memory module perhaps.

 

With all you computer geeks on Soxtalk, what would your diagnosis be?

[sox4lifeinPA]

With all you computer geeks on Soxtalk, what would your diagnosis be?

 

I would first find the nearest building, I'd say at least 10 stories. Next find a window which you will be required to open. Extend your arms out of the window with you HP in hands. Let go.

 

 

 

buy a dell

[Kalapse]

I would first find the nearest building, I'd say at least 10 stories. Next find a window which you will be required to open. Extend your arms out of the window with you HP in hands. Let go.

buy a dell

My notebook has been super awesome for me for the year that I've had it, this is the first trouble I've had. I'm pretty happy with the performance of my HP.

[Texsox]

The only thing I would change about my HP is the power connection is always coming loose.

 

Have you checked the HP web site for error codes?

[LosMediasBlancas]

sounds like PR spin to me 

 

I knew you weren't calling me out. I have a cousin who was nominated for an Oscar and I try to steal his glory all the time

 

Who cares, it's frickin Jared we're talking about.

Actually, last I heard he's getting paid to speak to groups of young kids on health and weight issues. Sure he's making cash, but at least he seems to be using his experiences and fame for some good.

[sox4lifeinPA]

My notebook has been super awesome for me for the year that I've had it, this is the first trouble I've had. I'm pretty happy with the performance of my HP.

 

sorry that should have been in bold green

 

I haven't had much experience with HP's because of my Dell-induced snobbiness

[Gene Honda Civic]

Palatine Represent!

 

[Gene Honda Civic]

[AddisonStSox]

There is some "everything is bigger in Texas" joke here; I just can't seem to find it.

[Gene Honda Civic]

There is some "everything is bigger in Texas" joke here; I just can't seem to find it.

Believe it or not, I first noticed the smile.

 

Very cute girl, though I have no idea who she is.

[Texsox]

 

Nothing to say, I just thought the picture would look nice repeated. BTW, God Bless Texas

[Kalapse]

The only thing I would change about my HP is the power connection is always coming loose.

 

Have you checked the HP web site for error codes?

I searched up and down the HP website, they had no answers for malfunctioning memory modules.

 

I opened up the bottom of my notebook, removed the memory module carefully, fired some compressed air into the memory slot and replaced the card.

 

The problem is now fixed. My notebook is now back up and running.

[Texsox]

My notebook is now back up and running.

Damn, I hope you can catch it

[Kalapse]

Negative. The laptop is back to the level of "f***ed." I'm beginning to hate this thing.

[sox4lifeinPA]

Nothing to say, I just thought the picture would look nice repeated. BTW, God Bless Texas 

 

 

for the record, she's definitely a Longhorn.