Steff Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Guys.. Not really sure how to ask this, and I know this really isn't the place.. but I need some fast advice. A friend of mine - not a close friend but someone who's family I know fairly well and talk to every couple moths or so - called me last night to tell me that she believes that she was molested by her uncle when she was 7 years old. She's been seeing a shrink for the past 3 years and a lot of issues have come up in her therapy (memories that have been found to be true as well) and this issue came up just before Christmas. She had her first child in October and at Christmastime all her family was over. The uncle in question was there and was playing with her daughter. Sometime during the night something clicked and she literaly had a nervous breakdown. So therapy started digging into this and she's been having some seriously vivid and detailed recollections. So she calls me and tell me this and asks me what I think she should do. I barely slept a wink last night thinking about this and just crying. I am by no means qualified at all to give this woman any advice... but this is eating at me and I want to help in any way I can. Should I just tell her to go to the police? I didn't ask what the doctor told her to do.. I am meeting her for dinner tomorrow night so I guess she will tell me more then. Any of you have any advice...?? I'm completely lost on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southsider2k5 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 If it happened when she was that young, the statute of limitations is probably long since expired, so the police would be pretty worthless. All I know is there would be no way I would leave him alone with young children, and if I were her I would try to talk to the rest of the family about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelasDaddy0427 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 (edited) I really don't think it does any good to go to the police yet because you obviously don't have enough evidence yet. More then likely though if this guy is hurting kids he would of hurt more then one. Your best course of action would be to try to ask some of the other people close to him if they had ever been attacked. The more people you can find the more likely they are to get this guy. Edited February 24, 2005 by Jeckle2000 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(Jeckle2000 @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 12:13 PM) I really don't think it does any good to go to the police yet because you obviously don't have enough evidence yet. More then likely though if this guy is hurting kids he would of hurt more then one. Your best course of action would be to try to ask some of the other people close to him if they had ever been attacked. The more people you can find the more likely they are to get this guy. She has a extremely detailed memory of her grandmother finding and destroying pictures she recalls him taking of her. She was telling me this... and I was balling. I'm just about to start crying again here... I think she should confront her grandmother (with a tape recorder handy) and ask her. If this is true.. my God... I just don't know. I feel like throwing up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(southsider2k5 @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 12:11 PM) If it happened when she was that young, the statute of limitations is probably long since expired, so the police would be pretty worthless. All I know is there would be no way I would leave him alone with young children, and if I were her I would try to talk to the rest of the family about it. How do they prosecute Priests for this stuff from 20+ years ago then...?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soxy Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 I'm linking RAINN's legal website, for stuff about statute of limitations. Overall, it's a very good website, and she might be able (or you might be able) to find some very good resources about coping, what to do, statistics and stuff.... I think the most important thing that you can do is to tell her that you believe her and that you're sorry for what happened to her. I wouldn't offer her advice per se, but instead I would give her options open to her (talking to her family, going to the police, going to a support group, telling significant others, etc.). I would recommend her to calling a local (or national) support line for victims of intimate violence. They can tell her very specifically the resources available to her in her area and they also will have advocates that specialize in legal issues, CSA issues, and also could have some help for her husband (the b**** about stuff like this is that there's never just one victim--her whole family has been victimized). So, I would highly recommend that. Also, you, Steff, might want to call and talk to someone at the advocacy center. Sometimes it really hits hard when you find out someone close has been hurt by something like this. And they have advocates that are trained to help the loved one's of victims (called secondary survivors). If you have any questions or anything you can PM me--I haven't done that kind of advocacy in a few months--but I'm always willing to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LosMediasBlancas Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 WOW, she confided THAT to someone who knows her family fairly well and doesn't consider her a close friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(LosMediasBlancas @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 12:20 PM) WOW, she confided THAT to someone who knows her family fairly well and doesn't consider her a close friend. We were friends back in grammar and high school and have kept mild touch. Everyone else she was friends with she doesn't communicate with so I'm pretty much the only one left around that knows her family. I think she was looking for someone who was familiar with her family as to minimize the embarrassment..? I don't know. I'm all confused. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(ChiSoxyGirl @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 12:19 PM) I'm linking RAINN's legal website, for stuff about statute of limitations. Overall, it's a very good website, and she might be able (or you might be able) to find some very good resources about coping, what to do, statistics and stuff.... I think the most important thing that you can do is to tell her that you believe her and that you're sorry for what happened to her. I wouldn't offer her advice per se, but instead I would give her options open to her (talking to her family, going to the police, going to a support group, telling significant others, etc.). I would recommend her to calling a local (or national) support line for victims of intimate violence. They can tell her very specifically the resources available to her in her area and they also will have advocates that specialize in legal issues, CSA issues, and also could have some help for her husband (the b**** about stuff like this is that there's never just one victim--her whole family has been victimized). So, I would highly recommend that. Also, you, Steff, might want to call and talk to someone at the advocacy center. Sometimes it really hits hard when you find out someone close has been hurt by something like this. And they have advocates that are trained to help the loved one's of victims (called secondary survivors). If you have any questions or anything you can PM me--I haven't done that kind of advocacy in a few months--but I'm always willing to help. Soxy.. thank you. And I think I will call. Since she told me this I am literally sick to my stomach. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I feel like I was in some way violated also. I'm so angry and hurt but I'm not sure why. I just feel like crying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southsider2k5 Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(Steff @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 12:19 PM) How do they prosecute Priests for this stuff from 20+ years ago then...?? I think most of that damage is being done in civil suits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soxy Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(Steff @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 12:25 PM) Soxy.. thank you. And I think I will call. Since she told me this I am literally sick to my stomach. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I feel like I was in some way violated also. I'm so angry and hurt but I'm not sure why. I just feel like crying. Totally normal and acceptable. I think there might be numbers to call on RAINN's website. Overall it's my number one recommended website for these issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(southsider2k5 @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 12:26 PM) I think most of that damage is being done in civil suits. Oh.. I'm pretty sure she's not interested in going that route. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Prawn Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(Steff @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 12:19 PM) How do they prosecute Priests for this stuff from 20+ years ago then...?? No. Outside of a civil suit, she has no legal recourse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kapkomet Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 But you all can keep it from happening again. If that's any silver lining in any of this, that's it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soxy Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(Queen Prawn @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 01:04 PM) No. Outside of a civil suit, she has no legal recourse. Not necessarily. That really depends on the state where it occurred. I highly recommend calling a legal advocate that specializes in this issue--because it's kind of murky.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(ChiSoxyGirl @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 01:12 PM) Not necessarily. That really depends on the state where it occurred. I highly recommend calling a legal advocate that specializes in this issue--because it's kind of murky.... It happened here in Illinois. I can't tell if this is about prosecuting him, or just making what he did known. I assume we'll talk about this tomorrow night. I haven't seen him since her wedding and things were stressed there. He's kinda the black sheep of the family. He has some medical issues (epilipsy, serious anger management, takes many, many script drugs to control him that I recall). I know there would definitely not be a civil suit. She's not the type that would go that route. But what the hell do I know.. I thought I knew the family pretty good back then.. obviously I didn't if he did this and if the grandmother covered it up. :headshake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 QUOTE(kapkomet @ Feb 24, 2005 -> 01:05 PM) But you all can keep it from happening again. If that's any silver lining in any of this, that's it. That's probably the only good thing to come out of things like this if there can be no prosecution I guess. Sad.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 Her husband just called. They went over to her grandmothers house last night and spent most of the night talking. She admitted everything to Sue. I don't even know what to say or do for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southsider2k5 Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 QUOTE(Steff @ Feb 25, 2005 -> 10:18 AM) Her husband just called. They went over to her grandmothers house last night and spent most of the night talking. She admitted everything to Sue. I don't even know what to say or do for her. Trust me these things happen on their own time. Basically all you can do is make her know that when and if she is ready, then she can talk to you about things (if you want to do so) If you try to force it or push her, she will shut down. The biggest thing in molestation isn't the acts themselves, it is the loss of power. The victim becomes a virtual slave of the abuser. This makes it essential to not take away the power when it comes to dealing with this. Even if good intentioned, it can make the person feel like they are being victimized all over again. And good luck and prayers for you and all involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chisoxfn Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Wow. Steff best wishes go out to your friend and you. At this point I don't have a clue what you could do other then be there when she talks. I couldn't even imagine something along these lines happening and the only positive I can see out of it is at least she now knows what happens and can begin to have some therapy to overcome it. God, what a bastard that uncle is. I hope they can do something legal to him and ensure he doesn't do it to anyone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 I just got back from spending a few hours with her and her husband. She has an appointment with her therapist at 4 and she's going to talk stuff out with him. Her grandmother agreed to go with her to her Monday appointment whatever that's going to do, I don't know. There is no legal action she can take. It's been over 20 years since the incidents took place. She seems to be in a positive state. More than anything she just wanted to be sure she wasn't crazy and it did happen - I guess it being true is more theraputic than it being just a dream as crazy as that sounds. We both did a lot of crying. This is just something I simply don't understand, and don't think I ever will. All I know is that it took an awful lot of strength for her to confront her grandmother. I don't know if I would have that strength. Soxy thank you so much for the website. I was on it all night last night getting info and I did call them this morning. They were very helpful to me in dealing with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rowand44 Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Wow Steff, very sad. Hopefully you and your friend will be ok, hopefully she is in a good state of mind now. What is she going to do about her uncle?? Anyways I wish you guys the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyWhiteSox Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 There also have been many cases in which these things turn out not to be true. When delving deep into the psyche, untrue "memories" can be brought about, mostly because a psychologist will unknowingly (or possibly knowingly) lead a patient in that direction. Certain events will be misinterpreted as molestation, and outside knowledge of such occurences can cause a person to add things to the events that aren't true. The recovered memories are essentially being manufactured. It's really tough when dealing with childhood memories. This is just a phenomenon I did a little bit of research on a while back. I'm currently studying psychology, so it interested me. Of course, I have no idea if this is the case for this situation. I just wanted to share that bit of information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted February 26, 2005 Author Share Posted February 26, 2005 QUOTE(SleepyWhiteSox @ Feb 25, 2005 -> 04:46 PM) This is just a phenomenon I did a little bit of research on a while back. I'm currently studying psychology, so it interested me. Of course, I have no idea if this is the case for this situation. I just wanted to share that bit of information. Well..seeing as how her grandmother admitted the abuse I'd say that that isn't the case in this situation and bares no relevance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Beast Posted February 26, 2005 Share Posted February 26, 2005 I know you think I'm silly here, however, I've got something to say. Love Line at 10:00 on Q101 discusses this a lot, and Dr. Drew is a licensed doctor who usually gives good advice. This is a sensitive topic I know, but I've listened to the show, and there's been some success stories behind this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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