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Court Humor


GASHWOUND

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I found these court tidbits amusing

 

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken

down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from

laughing while these were all taking place?

______________________________________________

Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give

your wife $775 a week."

Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks

myself."

______________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year

______________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've

forgotten?

______________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

______________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up

that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

______________________________________________

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

______________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

______________________________________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue

lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

_______________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Would you repeat that question, please?

______________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

_______________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

_______________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

A: I resent that question.

_______________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

_______________________________________________

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

_______________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

_______________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

_______________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that

I

sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_______________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

_______________________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?

A: OK.

Q: What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

_______________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

on him.

_______________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

_______________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the

autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law

somewhere.

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That was hilarious.

 

And I would like to add a funny story to that.

 

My wife, I, my brother, his wife, and my wifes best friend all went to the Sox Tigers game last Saturday. During the middle of the game, my wife's best friend turned to my wife and asked her

 

"Is this game live?"

 

:bang

 

She was asking if it was being played live on TV, but the question the way it was asked had us laughing for two innings! :P

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the

autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law

somewhere.

This was, by far, the best one.

 

:fyou Lawyers

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the

autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law

somewhere.

This was, by far, the best one.

 

:fyou Lawyers

:finger lawyers why do you hate them :finger i think it is the people who sue for stupid reasons that give them bad names.

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the

autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law

somewhere.

This was, by far, the best one.

 

:fyou Lawyers

I like that one too. What is the line in Shakespeare "First we kill all the lawyers." Just to show you what a great sense of humor we (me and mine) have I'm going to show that to my son who is about to start law school. I know he'll get a kick out of it. I also liked the guy who called his wife "Cathy" when her name was Susan. I once new a guy who put Clinton to shame he had so many lady friends. I asked how he managed to avoid that very mistake. He told me he called them all, his wife and his many girlfriends "babe" "baby" or "honey".

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I like that one too. What is the line in Shakespeare "First we kill all the lawyers." Just to show you what a great sense of humor we (me and mine) have I'm going to show that to my son who is about to start law school. I know he'll get a kick out of it. I also liked the guy who called his wife "Cathy" when her name was Susan. I once new a guy who put Clinton to shame he had so many lady friends. I asked how he managed to avoid that very mistake. He told me he called them all, his wife and his many girlfriends "babe" "baby" or "honey".

lol thats a very good way.

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Oh my f***ing god, I haven't laughed that hard in a loooooooooong time!!!!!  Keep em coming!  :headbang

As you wish

 

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his

first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair

and pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your

first name!

 

Q. Did you ever spend the night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever spend the night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever spend the night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

 

Q. Now Mrs.Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

 

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marriage status?

A. Fair.

 

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did you husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

 

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?

A. My ex-widow said it.

 

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th.

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at the time?

 

Q. Mrs.Smith, do you believe you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many time have you committed suicide.

A. Four.

 

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A.All of them.

 

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

 

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify

me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

 

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

Q. Did he pick up the dog by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

 

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,

for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to

go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to

the station?

Mr.Brooks (opposing attorney) - Objection your honor. That question should

be taken out and shot.

 

 

 

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where

there was a victim?

 

Q. ...and what did he do then?

A. He came home and the next morning he was dead.

Q. So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?

 

 

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you

indignities?

A. He didn't offer nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

 

 

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you

observe with respect to your scalp?

A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

Q. It was covered?

A. Yes, bandaged.

Q. Then later on, what did you see?

A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and

put on top of my head.

 

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?

A. I could just see his head.

Q. And where was his head?

A. Just above his shoulder's.

 

Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this

defendant?

A. Oh, she told the truth. She said she was going to kill the son of

a b****, and she did!

 

Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?

A. I don't drink while I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

 

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder

trial instead of an attempted murder trial.

A. The victim lived.

 

Q. Are you sexually active?

A. No, I just lie there.

 

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A. Yes, I have been

since early childhood.

 

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,

objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?

A. No sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

 

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A. It indicates intercourse.

Q. Male sperm?

A. That is the only kind I know.

 

Q. (Showing man picture), That's you?

A. Yes sir.

Q. And you were present when this picture was taken, right?

 

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

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Guest hotsoxchick1

omfg that is some funny stuff......i cant believe that people are that stupid....espically in court.. no wonder our legal system is all f***ed up...........look at whos running it.......... :lolhitting

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:finger lawyers why do you hate them  :finger i think it is the people who sue for stupid reasons that give them bad names.

I hate them because the idiots that sue for stupid ass reasons need a stupid ass lawyer to take their case first. Otherwise, their stupid ass case will never see the light-of-day.

 

:fyou Lawyers

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Guest hotsoxchick1
are you sexually active...no i just lie there....hahahahahah :lolhitting  :lolhitting  :lolhitting  :lolhitting

 

that was the best :lol:

well at least ya know i didnt answer that question.... its very obvious by the response.........lol. lol .lol. lol. :D :headbang

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