Really funny article

[greasywheels121]

http://chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sp...cs-home-utility

 

Hold the calls and watch the Cubs-Sox

Mike Downey

 

Soxxies vs. Cubbies, Part II.

 

Yes, it's time for another baseball taste of Chicago.

 

Get set for a second party in the park between your "This Is Our Year" White Sox and your "This Year Ain't Over Yet" Cubs, coming to you live this weekend from Cellville.

 

Here are 25 things to think about while the 2005 Sox and Cubs try to beat the spit out of each other—you know, as if their opponents were Andrew Golota or Mike Tyson:

 

1. Even though the field is named for a cell phone company, it does not mean you must talk on your phone at the game. Turn it off! Stop waving at a TV camera so some dude on the phone can see you! Send a text message! The fans by your seat are sick of listening to your stupid phone chat! They hate you! They really, really hate you! Hang up! Watch the game!

 

2. What's up with these 3:05 starting times? Is this for the thousands of us who get off work at 2 o'clock?

 

3. Jennifer Aniston is in town making a film. If she came to a game in a Cubs cap and a Sox top, she would make 3 million new friends.

 

4. If a trip to the World Series comes down to the White Sox vs. Sammy Sosa and the Orioles, holy cow, for whom would a Cubs fan pull?

 

5. Question: What do 1919 and 2005 have in common? Answer: (a) the White Sox have a great team; (B) a Jackson who wears white socks eventually ends up on trial.

 

6. Derrek Lee does not get a hit each time up. I personally have seen this man make an out. (OK, two, tops.)

 

7. If the 2005 World Series comes down to the hated White Sox vs. the hated St. Louis Cardinals, holy cow, for whom would a Cubs fan pull?

 

8. Jon Garland and Mark Buehrle have 21 victories. The whole Colorado Rockies team has 22.

 

9. Why can't we say "Tad" when we talk of Tadahito Iguchi? On his first day with the Sox, he said he liked being called Tad. I've decided to call him Tad from now on. (But I'm still not ready to call up United and ask if I can fly Ted.)

 

10. Do you know who my favorite Cubs are? Toddahito Walker and Toddahito Hollandsworth.

 

11. Wednesday's game was "Nothing But Nancy" day for the White Sox—no music except for that played on the organ by the queen of diamonds, Nancy Faust. I have heard the other music they play at Sox games and let me tell you: Every day out there should be "Nothing But Nancy" day.

 

12. Cliff Politte has more many victories than Carlos Zambrano.

 

13. Michael Wuertz has more victories than Jose Contreras.

 

14. No way the White Sox would make Dusty Baker park on 31st Street and walk the last four blocks … uh, would they?

 

15. Very quietly, Cubs catcher Michael Barrett is in third place in All-Star voting. I think this guy already is a star. (Have you noticed how rarely he strikes out?)

 

16. Six men were hit by pitches in the last Sox-Cubs series. If this keeps up, the series is going to have a new motto: "Hit or Die Trying."

 

17. I still feel the Sox should stitch a "CC" on their sleeves, in honor of Chico Carrasquel.

 

18. A Cub was accused by a Sox pitcher of throwing a spitball. And you thought Moises Alou was a Cub who needed to go wash his hands.

 

19. Sox outfielder Carl Everett says somebody should "implode" Wrigley Field, blow it up. Have you seen that concrete, Carl? A guy like you could knock down that whole place with a bat and one of Dusty's toothpicks.

 

20. Vince Vaughn is in town, making a film with Jennifer Aniston. I would tell Vaughn to do a movie where he plays a Chicago baseball fan, but he already has done "Psycho."

 

21. The last Sox-Cubs game ended up with Brandon McCarthy leaving the park on a Sunday wearing a skirt. So ... who are this Sunday's pitchers?

 

22. I wrote that Hawk Harrelson should say Jason Dubois' name as "Du-BOYS," not "Du-BOZE." And then the Sun-Times' Carol Slezak wrote that it's not "Du-BOYS," it's "Du-BOYCE." I've almost got it now. It's hard enough on me that Jason now has teammates named Jerry, Jerome and Jeromy.

 

23. Well, Frank Thomas should pass Sosa in home runs any day now.

 

24. Hey, if you think the NBA has low TV ratings, a World Series between the Orioles and Nationals would draw a Nielsen rating of approximately 0.000001.

 

25. So, what's the Soxxies' magic number?

Edited June 23, 2005 by greasywheels121

[nitetrain8601]

Haha, magic.

[Kalapse]

1. Even though the field is named for a cell phone company, it does not mean you must talk on your phone at the game. Turn it off! Stop waving at a TV camera so some dude on the phone can see you! Send a text message! The fans by your seat are sick of listening to your stupid phone chat! They hate you! They really, really hate you! Hang up! Watch the game!

 

I have threatened to kill many a person for waving at the camera while on their cell phones. I just can't f***ing stand it.

[mrzo2733]

This is one of the better articles that Downey has written. Usually I find his articles unreadable.

[southsider2k5]

This is one of the better articles that Downey has written. Usually I find his articles unreadable.

 

Now see I like Downey. I think he is one of the better new writers in Chicago.

[mreye]

I have threatened to kill many a person for waving at the camera while on their cell phones. I just can't f***ing stand it.

Last night was the worst! The guy AND his kid were on the phone all night. And then the kid stood up to wave at the camera. If I were sitting there, paying $300 a seat, I would have kicked him in the back of the head.

[Yossarian]

Now see I like Downey.  I think he is one of the better new writers in Chicago.

I like reading you, but can't stand Downey who is in his second incarnation as a Chicago sportswriter.

[kapkomet]

12. Cliff Politte has more many victories than Carlos Zambrano.

 

OMG... ZING!!!

 

[southsider2k5]

I like reading you, but can't stand Downey who is in his second incarnation as a Chicago sportswriter.

 

Thanks for the compliment

 

I love the prespective you bring to the board. Not many people can talk about the things you can.