Batgirl on ESPN.com's page 2

[Balta1701]

Ok...if "Bat Girl" can get a page 2 feature on ESPN.com, I think SS2K5 should be able to do so as well.

 

Editor's note: In her alter ego as Batgirl, Anne Ursu chronicles the wins and the losses and the comings and the goings of the Minnesota Twins. Since her team trails the White Sox by nine games, she is naturally quite excited about the acquisition of Bret Boone.

 

Oh, there is much rejoicing throughout Minnesotaland, for Bret Boone is on his way to town and is here to save us. Yes, Bret Boone will saunter into the Minnesota Twins clubhouse (where light-hitting second basepeople can feel at home!TM) with his mighty bat and his trusty glove and he will save us -- not just from the gaping maw of our nine-game division deficit, but from ourselves.

 

Bret Boone

Bret Boone to the rescue.

Bret Boone will make it all better. He will provide a veteran's presence to a struggling team. He will be a soothing influence on our absentminded, emotionally fragile, easily-startled infielders. He will add a seasoned bat to a lineup comprised of Triple-A refugees, braces-mouthed barely-legals, and free-swinging spaz monkeys.

 

Bret Boone will show us the way. He will awaken the long-dormant seeds of promise inside Luis Rivas. He will help Matt LeCroy with his base-stealing techniques. He will teach Justin Morneau how to stare blankly at pitches outside of the strike zone. He will find who slipped the steroids into Juan Rincon's strawberry milkshake. He will get Joe Mauer a better haircut. He will give twitchy closer Joe Nathan a hug and tell him it's all going to be OK.

 

With his help, the Minnesota Twins will receive the people's ovation and fame forever!

 

Bret Boone will bring down our enemies! With one squinty-eyed stare, he will destroy the fragile egos of Mark Buehrle and Jon Garland, turning them into quivering masses of self-doubt. He will send the larcenous Scott Podsednik into a devastating shame spiral. He will convince Ken Williams to bring Roberto Alomar out of retirement to help his old team. He will motivate Frank Thomas to leave baseball for a career in conflict resolution.

 

Yes, my friends, Bret Boone will bring the White Sox to their knees!

 

Bret Boone will change things around here! He'll swoop into the Minnesota legislature and negotiate a stadium bill that enlivens the community, feeds disadvantaged puppies and gives us a ballpark that doesn't completely suck. He'll make the Kansas City Royals get real baseball uniforms. He'll lock Lou Piniella, Frank Robinson and Kenny Rogers up in a room with an anger management therapist and won't let them out till they're holding hands and singing "You Can Call Me Al."

 

He'll stuff Tom Cruise in a burlap sack and leave him in Tropicana Field for the buzzards to eat. He'll bring the Valerie Plame leaker to justice. He'll make Lindsay Lohan dye her hair back to the way it was and maybe even eat a sandwich. He'll unite humanity in love and harmony. He'll remove all recollections of "Bewitched" from the public's consciousness.

 

And when the aliens come -- oh! When the aliens come with their big scary robot tripods with the pea-green claws and evapo-rays and indestructo-shields, when the aliens and their tripods hunt us all down in our basements one by one, taking us into their evil tripod lair and harvesting our blood and turning us into fertilizer, because that's the kind of sick creeps these aliens are -- Bret Boone will take his mighty bat and hit a grenade square into the tripod's noggin -- POW! Right in the kisser! And the tripod will explode, and then Bret Boone will pick us up in his big strong (though not quite as strong as they used to be) Bret Boone arms and carry us off into the bright new tomorrow, where we will watch the tripods fall while Morgan Freeman tells us the aliens all got killed off by, like, bad sushi.

 

And then we will look deeply into Bret Boone's eyes and we will say, "Bret Boone, I thought you were a fading All-Star cut by a last-place team, but you saved us. You saved us all."

 

Anne Ursu is a novelist living in Minneapolis.

[DukeNukeEm]

Shes the Village Idiot.

[southsider2k5]

Shes the Village Idiot.

 

Write something funnier

[Soxbadger]

A published village idiot.

 

http://www.anneursu.com/about.

 

She may not like the White Sox, but she can write.

 

SB

[SleepyWhiteSox]

Write something funnier

 

I actually agree with that assessment.

 

She's a good writer (one would hope so if it's a person's paid profession), at times, but nothing more than a glorified casual fan in terms of baseball knowledge. And that's my honest assessment after reading a decent number of her blog entries.

 

It was obviously meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but the topic and content of that Page 2 article were pretty horrible...

[Yoda]

I won't even bother reading that s***...

 

Bret Boone?? Pffftt.....

[SnB]

Shes the Village Idiot.

i find it entertaining, that's all that matters.

[SHAFTR]

I've never been a bat-girl fan. It's not because she is a twins fan either, I have plenty of friends who are Twins fans. It's just that I don't think her blog is that good. I think it's one of those situations where a girl is doing something that is traditionally male (be it Baseball Blogs, video games, etc.) and all of a sudden what she is doing is suddenly looked at as being better than it really is.

[Dam8610]

I'll give her one thing, she's a pretty good comedy writer. The idea of a washed up Bret Boone singlehandedly vaulting the struggling Twins to a division title from 9 GB at the all-star break is quite a funny concept indeed.

[southsider2k5]

I'll give her one thing, she's a pretty good comedy writer. The idea of a washed up Bret Boone singlehandedly vaulting the struggling Twins to a division title from 9 GB at the all-star break is quite a funny concept indeed.

 

And that is the whole point. The blog isn't meant to be your usual stat-o-matic, Juggernaut numbercruching, ultracritical, in-depth looks at a baseball team. It is meant to bring humor. It is a complete joke. If you are missing that perspective when you read her stuff, you are missing the whole running gag.

 

She obviously doesn't think Brett Boone is going to save the Twins. Come on guys, its sarcasm. Just because he blog isn't in green, doesn't mean it can't be a joke.

[Kyyle23]

I've never been a bat-girl fan.  It's not because she is a twins fan either, I have plenty of friends who are Twins fans.  It's just that I don't think her blog is that good.  I think it's one of those situations where a girl is doing something that is traditionally male (be it Baseball Blogs, video games, etc.) and all of a sudden what she is doing is suddenly looked at as being better than it really is.

 

Find me a male blog in which the writing is and content is as clever. I hate what she says, but damn if she doesnt make me laugh while she is saying it. Come on, this girl comes up with Lego scenarios, that alone makes her a step above most blogs. She doesnt get caught up in stats and fluff and cheers her team in a society that exists in her head. If she were a Sox fan we would be hailing her as a genius.

 

The only thing that really bugs me is the way she still talks down about the Sox. You would think Torii Hunters "you gotta respect your opponent" mantra would have rubbed off on her by now.

[Chisoxrd5]

Write something funnier

 

Funnier?

 

But I agree...shes a really good writer, very amusing, tells a great story. We need a sox fan with her wit. And no you don't count!!!

[Steff]

Write something funnier

 

 

 

Something funnier

 

 

 

 

[Queen Prawn]

LOL!

[southsider2k5]

Find me a male blog in which the writing is and content is as clever. I hate what she says, but damn if she doesnt make me laugh while she is saying it. Come on, this girl comes up with Lego scenarios, that alone makes her a step above most blogs. She doesnt get caught up in stats and fluff and cheers her team in a society that exists in her head. If she were a Sox fan we would be hailing her as a genius.

Exactly. You have to give credit where credit is due. She is funny and unique.

 

Something funnier

 

Is this what I have to look forward to with kids :banghead

[DonkeyKongerko]

I'm counting down the days until ESPN starts calling us the "b**** Sox."

[UofIChiSox]

Here's what she wrote on the White Sox:

 

Bret Boone will bring down our enemies! With one squinty-eyed stare, he will destroy the fragile egos of Mark Buehrle and Jon Garland, turning them into quivering masses of self-doubt. He will send the larcenous Scott Podsednik into a devastating shame spiral. He will convince Ken Williams to bring Roberto Alomar out of retirement to help his old team. He will motivate Frank Thomas to leave baseball for a career in conflict resolution.

 

Yes, my friends, Bret Boone will bring the White Sox to their knees!

 

I think it's kinda funny, obviously not true, but kinda funny. Decent sarcasm. And I do like the "larcenous" Scott Podsednik.

[knightni]

I'm counting down the days until ESPN starts calling us the "b**** Sox."

The FCC won't let them.

[Balta1701]

The FCC won't let them. 

ESPN.com however...

[knightni]

ESPN.com however...

I bet that they are upholding the FCC standards on the website to keep the good company name.

 

ESPN.com is a public site that has sponsors with standards. They would be wise to keep them happy.

[SleepyWhiteSox]

I'm counting down the days until ESPN starts calling us the "b**** Sox."

 

Talk about a clever and original insult...

[kapkomet]

I'll probably catch hell for saying this but I think she's very good and talented writer.

 

I say good for her and the attention she's getting.

[Kyyle23]

Somehow, I dont think this one is going to make ESPN:

 

July 17, 2005

Paineful

Weekend Round-Up. California Angels at Twins.

Friday. Angels 3, Twins 2.

Saturday. Twins 5, Angels 4.

Sunday. Angels 2, Twins 1.

 

These are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives everything its value.

 

-- The Crisis

So says Thomas Paine, but the truth is, Thomas Paine was a big weenie. He might have rallied the populace during war time, but he never fell twelve games back of the tyrannous b**** Sox. Sure, the Continental Army may have sucked it up big time for the first few months of the War Against the British, but I don't think they ever committed two errors in one inning to allow three earned runs.

 

Yeah, British rule blew; I don't want to take anything away from our Founding Fathers and what they fought for. But, really, could some high-priced tea and a little billeting here and there be nearly as bad as facing b**** Sox rule of the AL Central for the whole freakin' season?

 

I think not. In the last couple seasons, the Twins have governed the Central, but they haven't been obnoxious about it. They haven't been grabby. We liked to exercise a kinder, gentler leadership. We never seized hold of the division like some kind of power-mad pinstriped generalissimos—no, we asked nicely. We gave everyone else a chance.

 

But the b**** Sox—no, no. They don't falter. They don't slump. They don't lose. Ever. And I'm here to say it's not nice. It's not just b****y, it's fascist. And fascists are bad.

 

Now, I'm lashing out a bit. The tragic events of this series were not entirely the fault of the b**** Sox. We did manage to lose three of four to the Angels, not due to the crushing weight of the yoke of oppression, but by skill alone. I mean, when your pitchers only give up eight earned runs over four games to one of the best offensive teams in the game and you still lose three of four, well, that takes some serious talent. There should be a monument built to that performance. We could dig a giant hole in the middle of the Metrodome Plaza and dedicate it to this weekend. Tim Pawlenty could call a special legislative session and leaders of both parties could come together and work day and night to move the Holy Crap That Sucked Monument Bill through as quickly as possible, for the good of the whole state, and when they announce the success of the bill, they'll hold hands and afterwards have a nice snuggle. There could be a band, and a ribbon cutting ceremony, and free cake, and everyone will come and gape at the giant hole we dug for ourselves.

 

Oh and Team Batgirl will be there, because they love their Twins and they also love free cake. They will hold hands and move in awed silence toward the hole, they will stand over the rim and gape into the endless blackness.

 

"I never knew a hole could be so deep," Jeb will exclaim.

 

"Or so dark!" Sooz will marvel.

 

"Or so very, very cold," Goober will say, weeping slightly.

 

And Batgirl will peer into the hole, frantically looking for some bit of light therein, she will get down on her hands and knees, and push her head into the hole trying to find a little bit of meaning, she will lean so far forward in her desperate search that she will tumble into the hole and begin her slow plummet through eternity.

 

And Team Batgirl will stand over the hole, shaking their heads, listening as Batgirl's screams slowly fade, growing softer and softer until they, too, vanish into blackness.

 

"Well," Goober will say, "that sucked."

 

And Jeb will shake his head. "Only the Twins can help her now."

 

Will they, Twins fans? Stay tuned.

 

my my, it must be Anne's time of the month. Unfortunate for her that it coincided with a 3 game drop in the standings.

 

I luuuuuv being fascist

[NUKE_CLEVELAND]

Somehow, I dont think this one is going to make ESPN:

my my, it must be Anne's time of the month.  Unfortunate for her that it coincided with a 3 game drop in the standings.

 

I luuuuuv being fascist

 

 

Fascism is cool. hehe..he..hehe

[Soxy]

I thought strikeouts were fascist?

 

I still think that piece was funny.