Steff Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog. FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD.. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.. Looks like a rat .. been out a while.. better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK: $300.. Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer: $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. (And the best one...) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 The Four Cats ! Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop out of the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, had his way with the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and....................... went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 Why the Chicken Crossed the Road? GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represents the application of these two different functions of government in a new reinvented way, designed to bring greater services to the American people. RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released E-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of E-Chicken. MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the pricedropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 service was focused on forgiving our enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bit**es!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stocking Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 NORDIC TRACK: $300.. Hardly used, call Chubby. Liked that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsh Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She hinted she wanted something that goes from 0-200 in five seconds. I bought her a scale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juddling Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 An explorer was going through the jungle when he was captured by the local natives. The explorer was freaking out because he know the natives are cannibals. After a night in the natives "jail' hut, the explore is met by the tribal chief who says "I will not lie to you..we ARE cannibals but i'll will give you a choice. You can go through the test and become part of our tribe or we're gonna eat you." The explorer doesn't hesitate and elects to take the test. The chief takes him to the village center and says "in order to become part of the tribe you must first pass the test of the three huts." "In the first hut is a 6 foot tall jug of wine. you must drink all the wine. in the second hut is a angry lion. The lion has a sore tooth in is mouth. you must pull the sore tooth from the lions mouth. and the third hut is my beautiful daughter. Make love to her and you're part of the tribe." The explorer is sent off into the first hut. After an hour, he stumbles out of the first hut with the empty flask drunk as can be. The tribe all cheer and the chief says "Very good my son..time for the second hut" and they push him into the hut. After a moment of silence, the tirbe hears a bloodcurdling scream, a lions roar, clothers being ripped, more screaming and then silence. 5 minutes.....10 minutes...15 minutes pass. Just as the chief turns to speak to his tribe....the explorer stumbles out of the hut and says...."All right....where's the b**** with the sore tooth!!!!!!!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rowand44 Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 QUOTE(marsh @ Jul 22, 2005 -> 04:10 PM) I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She hinted she wanted something that goes from 0-200 in five seconds. I bought her a scale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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