Amateur Hour

[Wong & Owens]

OK, I'm bored here at work, so I wrote this. Hope someone gets a chuckle or two from it:

 

 

 

OK Kenny, it's time to go for it. Not that you haven't always been willing to try, but you have to see the added urgency behind going for it THIS season. I know, you went for it in 2003, but you didn't really think you'd get past the Yankees with Mussina, Clemens et al, did you? And again in 2004, you made an effort, but it must have been half-hearted, knowing that Pedro, Schilling and that Boston Bomb Squad of idiots would be waiting for you at some point--right? Yes, any team has a chance in a short series, but as the A's and Twins of recent years have shown you, most of the time the best team wins.

 

And that brings me to the reason behind my attempt to implore you to do everything and anything you can to get our White Sox to the World Series THIS SEASON. That reason? The other teams in contention--in comparison to contenders of years past--suck. There is no Yankee juggernaut to contend with, no Big 3 in Oakland, or any "Little Engine That Could" Twins story. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at every contender there is in the AL right now, within reason(you sit back down, Chuck LaMar) and break it down:

 

The usuals:

 

Yankees--

Here's a recipe for success-- sign every pitcher that gets released by a last place team, don't use any outfielders under 35, and use the same 3 bullpen arms every game. Seriously, Al Leiter? Hideo Nomo? The only people who get excited after seeing these moves are Oil Can Boyd, who must be telling everyone who asks to use his cell phone "Not right now, I'm waiting for a call from Brian Cashman," and Dave Burba, who has cancelled every family vacation and backyard BBQ in August "just in case." These Yankees are flat-out old, and you can't overpay for players if they're not for sale.

 

Red Sox--

So, according to reports from Boston, Manny Ramirez has asked for a trade at this time of year for the last 4 seasons. Hmmmm, one of the highest paid players in the game? Check. World Series Ring? Check. Playing on one of the most storied franchises in all of professional sports? Check. All this, and he still is finding something to complain about? This makes the karma gods verrrrrry angry. Especially after all they did for you last year. Well, we'll just see about that, say the karma gods. Let's see how good you'll be with David Wells as your best available pitcher.

 

Twins--

Let's rewind back to early March. Imagine you're a "baseball expert." You look at the Twins of 2005, and you see they'll be replacing 3/4ths of a Gold Glove-caliber, smart-hitting infield with unproven rookies, journeymen, and something called Nick Punto. Is "This is No Doubt a World Series Team!" going to be your reaction? It is if you are Andrew Jackson-clone Peter Gammons. Oh, but their pitching is so good, argues Mr. Boston-Fellatio Machine. Yes, their bullpen is top-notch, but it doesn't do you much good to "hold" a 2-run deficit now does it? But wait, maybe they'll make some moves to shore up that infield and the back of their rotation with some real talent.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

 

The Others:

 

Oakland--

Yes, they're on a roll, and yes, their pitching looks scary again, but remember, these starters are all very young, and their closer isn't even old enough to drink. Does anyone really think this staff can make it through an October pressure-cooker? And here's another thing--are there any black guys on this team? You can't win with no black guys, this isn't 1912.

 

Anaheim--

Hmmmm, this team scares me more than most. A potent lineup without many holes, a likeable owner who wants to win and will pay to prove it, and a solid pitching staff led by Bartolo Colon. Wait a second, Bartolo Colon? He's not exactly ace material, is he Sox fans? And because he's so fat, he obscures the mediocrity behind him. Jarrod Washburn? Paul Byrd? Ervin "Magic" Santana? They're a good team, but I like the way the Sox match up against them. Plus, they don't scare me anywhere near as much as the Yankees, Twins, A's or Red Sox teams from 2001-2004 did. And don't forget that stupid name. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim won't fit in the baseball almanac standard column-width, so they can't be allowed to win.

 

Baltimore--

Phil Nevin can't pitch, and neither can anyone else in your starting rotation. Schedule a charity softball game vs. Texas in the offseason--it would be fun to watch.

 

You see that Kenny? Your White Sox are in a position to make history. The planets are in alignment, it's there for the taking. Tweak the lineup, bolster the bullpen, enhance the rotation, whatever. Just do it. Do it now, disregard the future. Win it this year, and you could be the Devil Rays for the next 10 years and no one will care. Do it before the Cubs do it, so that every response to questions involving the Sox's second-rate status can be-- "We have a title, they have Wait Til Next Year." Do it for every baseball fan who's sick of bought titles and beat-to-death curse stories. The door may never be as wide open as it is right this second. So run through it, run though it so hard and so fast the jamb splinters and the threshold snaps like a twig. Worry about the damage after the champagne runs out.

[LosMediasBlancas]

Your fear of the Angels is justified and the Yanks or Bo Sox haven't peaked yet.

[RockRaines]

Nevin???

[Wong & Owens]

It's a joke people, GOSH

[3E8]

It's a joke people, GOSH

I appreciated it. Gave me a few laughs. Nice job.

[LosMediasBlancas]

It's a joke people, GOSH

 

take it easy Napoleon, GOSH.

[Wong & Owens]

take it easy Napoleon, GOSH.

 

 

I knew someone would catch that

[longshot7]

Your comment about Gammons is pretty uncalled for, whether or not he's full of s***. and you're totally wrong about the Angels - Colon has been pretty on this year, and could have a very competitive series with the Sox.

[Flash Tizzle]

Oakland--

Yes, they're on a roll, and yes, their pitching looks scary again, but remember, these starters are all very young, and their closer isn't even old enough to drink.  Does anyone really think this staff can make it through an October pressure-cooker?  And here's another thing--are there any black guys on this team?  You can't win with no black guys, this isn't 1912. 

 

I DID notice upon our first meeting there's an abundance of scrub looking white guys in Oakland.

 

This is direct proof the moneyball philosophy, and by extension Billy Beane, is racist. African Americans and Latin's don't get out of their neighborhoods taking walks!

[Wong & Owens]

Your comment about Gammons is pretty uncalled for, whether or not he's full of s***.  and you're totally wrong about the Angels - Colon has been pretty on this year, and could have a very competitive series with the Sox.

 

 

longshot7 = Gammons Fellatio Machine

[CaliSoxFanViaSWside]

Nevin is officially a Texas Rangers now. I alway like reading a piece that somewhat resembles an newspaper article. Good work.