mreye Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However, women will also benefit by reviewing them, so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart and see what makes it work. ________________________________________________________________________ 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence B. Idealism C. Cherry bombs. ________________________________________________________________________ 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)! C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. ________________________________________________________________________ 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. ________________________________________________________________________ 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Bears called a draw play on third and seventeen. ________________________________________________________________________ 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? ________________________________________________________________________ 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "We have three of them?????" ________________________________________________________________________ 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear. ________________________________________________________________________ 9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Remote control. ________________________________________________________________________ 10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask for directions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmteam Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 I only answered C to 3,4,9,10. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Middle Buffalo Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 When I saw the title, I was hoping it was instructions for doing an "up and over." I'm sure my wife would love to see me doing that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Gleason Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to: D. I get my mother-in-law to make me a superhero suit and I end up using it. ________________________________________________________________________ 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? D. Hair and a metabolism. ________________________________________________________________________ 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? I never knew a man COULD kiss a man. I plead ignorance to the question. ________________________________________________________________________ 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: D. A monkey. Or a house full of animals. ________________________________________________________________________ 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? This happened to me once...bad results. Thanks for bringing up painful memories. ________________________________________________________________________ 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? D. Act like you're breaking up with her and then spring the ring on her. Not very romantic, but it worked. ________________________________________________________________________ 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: She gets up BEFORE me or even at the same time??? Never, that will never, ever happen. I can't relate to this question. ________________________________________________________________________ 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? Depends on what your special lady finds HOT. ________________________________________________________________________ 9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? D. Guitars. ________________________________________________________________________ 10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? He was actually looking for the nearest BBQ joint, and finally just decided to settle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Critic Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 "B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her." This is ALMOST how it happened for me. But instead of asking her on the beach, we kept walking and ended up at my favorite bar ( the Wrigleyville Tap next door to Metro, may it Rest In Peace - spilling a little Hacker-Pschorr on the ground in its memory - best jukebox in the world - now I'm getting weepy.... ). Once we were there, the subject of weddings came up and I proceeded to rant about everything I hated about weddings ( and I DO hate every single solitary thing about weddings and receptions - mine is the only one I've ever been happy at ). When I stopped for air, she said to me "you don't even want to get married, do you??" To which I replied with a sentence that would come back to taunt me over 4 million times in the years to follow: "I don't want to GET married, but I want to BE married to you". Then she asked me if I would marry her. I asked her if she was serious, and she said she was, so I said "That's MY job - will YOU marry ME?" She asked if I was serious, so I took the tab off her beer and put it on her ring fingernail. She said yes and starting crying. She's been crying ever since..... ...and she still has that beer tab.....YES, I BOUGHT HER A RING......shut up...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Prawn Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Brian's proposal was pushing me into a jewelry store and saying, "Pick one." Not romanical, but it got the job done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LosMediasBlancas Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 2. Promiscuity 3. Ha, you're funny 4. Carmen Electra 5. How many times have I told you, you can talk to me, just don't stand in FRONT of the tv. 6. 7. I shove my fingers down my throat and puke 1st 8. Never, a really good pair just kind of dissapear while you have it on...except for the waistband. 9. Beer 10. His knew his wife was waiting at the 'promised land' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Critic Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 QUOTE(Queen Prawn @ Aug 17, 2005 -> 12:01 PM) Brian's proposal was pushing me into a jewelry store and saying, "Pick one." Not romanical, but it got the job done. Good thing he didn't say "pick two", or you'd have gotten poked in the eyes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlaSoxxJim Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 QUOTE(The Critic @ Aug 17, 2005 -> 01:30 PM) Good thing he didn't say "pick two", or you'd have gotten poked in the eyes! Nyuk nyuk nyuk... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JUGGERNAUT Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 (edited) This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However, women will also benefit by reviewing them, so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart and see what makes it work. ________________________________________________________________________ 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence B. Idealism C. Cherry bombs. ________________________________________________________________________ 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)! C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. ________________________________________________________________________ 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. ________________________________________________________________________ 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Bears called a draw play on third and seventeen. ________________________________________________________________________ 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? ________________________________________________________________________ 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "We have three of them?????" ________________________________________________________________________ 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear. ________________________________________________________________________ 9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Remote control. ________________________________________________________________________ 10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask for directions. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> So true Did a woman throw 10 in to trick us? No real man is ever going to admit that! A & C should be switched. On 7, I think "Can't they do that themselves?" is more of a real man response Edited August 17, 2005 by JUGGERNAUT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balance Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Dave Barry is a funny writer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Gleason Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 (edited) It's kind of funny though, I always tell my wife to stop for directions, and she is the one who always refuses. She's also the remote control freak. For me, I just need the DVD remote. TV is a waste. Edited August 18, 2005 by Kid Gleason Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.