Illinois Barbies..

[Steff]

Mattel has introduced Barbie dolls for different regions and towns in

Illinois. Be sure to show your Illinois pride and collect them all!!

 

Highland Park Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the

Lexus or BMW SUV or a suped up Hummer H2, gets lost easily, and has no

full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone

sold separately. Optional: matching gym outfit.

 

Cicero Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a

Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted

windows and, my favorite, Meth Lab Ken. Talking version also speaks

Spanish and includes two sons: Cesar, star of his high school soccer team;

and Jose, wanted in four states.

 

Oak Lawn Barbie: This version has relocated from the city and comes with

her very own street sign to post in the back yard, and a basketball hoop

to hang from the garage roof. Doctor's fees to pay for counseling when

E.J. Korvette's, Shopper's World and Zayre's closed, are extra.

 

Lincoln Park Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with knee-high black boots,

a Louis Vuitton handbag, choice of a BMW sports car or new Convertible

Beetle, Starbucks cup, credit card, a faux crocodile pill case filled with

an assortment of the latest therapist-prescribed mood elevators, and

shallow

Ken. A list of all of the "in" fund-raising events sold separately.

 

Alton and Peoria Barbie: This model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too

small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light, and a Hank

Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers.

 

Alsip Barbie: This version has it all; tattoo of a snake on her upper

thigh, every eye shadow shade Maybelline has ever made, a can of AquaNet,

and twosets of keys for her double-wide.

Optional accessories: Sidewalks and a pick up. Bumper sticker that says

"My kid can beat up your honors student" sold separately.

 

Uptown Barbie: This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long

gray hair, arch-less feet, Berkenstocks, no makeup and a mutt. Or a boy

haircut, brown-highlighted hair, Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt and cargos,

combat boots and a pitbull.

 

Humboldt Park Barbie: This bee-tch of a Barbie comes with a knife to stab

other Barbies in the back, miniskirt and tons of makeup.

 

Lake Forest and Kenilworth Barbie: (aka--North Shore Barbie) This True

Blonde shops exclusively in town. She drives a Land Rover (sold

separately). She has an MBA from Northwestern but has never worked outside

the home. Her child's stroller is bigger than your house and her tennis

trophies are

discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken's golf trophies. She knows enough Spanish

to talk with the nanny, Tagalog to speak to the cook, and Polish for the

house painter and housekeeper respectively. Her family owns a winery in

Napa, but she buys cases of "2-Buck Chuck" at Trader Joe's. Hence the need

for the rear-loading Land Rover.

 

Berwyn Barbie: Big sprayed black hair with overdone makeup and housecoat, cooks up a batch of mean meatballs and lasagna. Comes with plastic covered

sofas and a fridge in the basement for company.

 

Wrigleyville Barbie: Cubs hat and tank top, bleacher tan, Kosher hot dog

and overpriced Old Style in hand. Optional accessories: a wooden porch

that can accommodate up to 24 of Barbie's best friends. Keg not included.

 

Beverly Barbie: This talking Barbie says: "Did you know I am Irish? Irish

rules!" and sings the South Side Irish song. Comes with a bottle of lite

beer and U of I t-shirt. Also includes an assortment of "KissMe, I'm

Irish" buttons and green accessories for the South Side parade. Boyfriend

Ken

wearing a Notre Dame hat, sister Skipper wearing McAuley uniform, and

cousin Joe in his Crusaders sweatshirt sold separately.

 

South Side Barbie: Goes by the name of Barbeequa and for one low price,

includes all of her sistahs: Midgeequa, Jauneequa, Shaneequa, Taneequa,and

Lulu; and all of her brothers, Leroy, Willie (gold toof extra), Tyrone,

George, George, and George. They all live together in her two-room ghetto

apartment, furnished with the latest in leather and zebra prints.

Bling-bling sold separately.

 

Bridgeport Barbie: This Barbie also talks and all of her sentences include

an assortment of "d's" and "doe's." She owns her own bungalow and comes

with season tickets to the White Sox.

 

Northbrook Barbie: Her authentic Coach bag is always filled with plenty of

cash from daddy's bank. She and her friends from high school, including

Hazelle, come complete with animal intestines, paint cans, fecal matter,

kegs of beer and a video camera. Lawyer's fees are extra.

 

Oak Brook Barbie: Authentic Kate Spade wallet includes credit cards from

Fields, Nordstrom's and Sax, and a photo of the family dog, Rex. Comes

with monogrammed towel set for her mornings at the bath and tennis club,

and riding pony (with real hair) for her afternoons at the polo grounds.

Kitchen

set provided by Crate and Barrel. Backyard runway for her private jet

sold separately.

 

Willow Springs Barbie: Has a complete wardrobe for her weekends of

ballroom, two-step and line dancing. Boyfriend Ken comes complete with a

beautiful brown UPS uniform (shorts are extra) and a bicycle to get to

work (delivery truck sold separately).

 

Chicago Ridge Barbie: Comes complete with a uniform from Our Lady of the

Ridge and four monogrammed bowling shirts. Talking version brags of having

the best handicap on the south side and of being able to drink Ken under

the table. Accessories include a mitt for 16-inch league games, six-pack

of Pabst Blue Ribbon, a pack of Marlboro Lights, and an IROC Camaro with

T-tops on crates in the front yard.

 

Orland Park Barbie: This is a grown-up version of Barbie with three kids,

all of whom got straight A's in school, 36's on the ACT, and college

scholarships because they were the best on the team. Includes blowhard

husband Ken, who is seen and heard at every little league game; daughter

Midge, head cheerleader; and son Ken, Jr., the captain of the football

team. The standard version comes with a Ford Windstar, a bi-level in Brook

Hills and an assortment of Coach and Kate Spade knockoffs bought at a

house party.The talking version says "Not MY kid. He wouldn't do that,"

and "Really? My cleaning lady won't do laundry!" The deluxe version comes

with faux fur and a home in Crystal Tree that will never be paid off in

their life time.

[farmteam]

Link?

[SnB]

yay for alsip!

[Chisoxrd5]

LOL...the author definitely does not like Orland Park. That was actually pretty funny...for once

[Steff]

LOL...the author definitely does not like Orland Park. That was actually pretty funny...for once 

 

 

I have a feeling if there was a Naperville one it might have been worse than the OP one.

 

Hysterical though.

[SpringfieldFan]

Hey, no fair - where's my Springfield Barbie? What's with 20 Chicagoland barbies and just one for anywhere else in the state?

[kev211]

LMAO at Orland Park I go to school there with kids who live there so i can realate to it.

[Buehrle>Wood]

Yay! My town wasn't good enough to get made fun of. Well, Orland is close enough....and true enough.

[WHarris1]

Phew, I figured Naperville would get ripped a new one.

[Steff]

Phew, I figured Naperville would get ripped a new one.

 

 

 

I think it's a really old joke, maybe before Naperville got it's "nose in the air" rep. I had seen it before.