NUKE_CLEVELAND Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 Here's my submission. This woman walks into an ice cream parlor and the clerk behind the counter is like "Welcome! We have 31 flavors but Im aftaid we're out of chocolate today." Woman thinks for a minute then says "I'll have a half-gallon of your chocolate ice cream" Clerk says "Ma'am Im sorry but we're out of the chocolate. Can I interest you in something else?" Woman thinks for a minute and says "Ok, I'll have a pint of your chocolate ice cream" Clerk is getting a little miffed and repeats that they're out of chocolate but tries to get her to choose something else. Woman thinks some more and then says "I'll have a scoop of your chocolate ice cream." Clerk is pissed now and says to the lady "Lady can you spell the straw in strawberry?" Lady spells it Clerk says "Can you spell the Van in vanilla?" Lady spells it Clerk then says "Can you spell the f*** in chocolate?" Lady thinks for a sec and says "Wait, there is no f*** in chocolate" Clerk is like THATS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO f***ING TELL YOU!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soxy Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 I'm afraid my favorite joke is a visual one, so I can't really post it. But I figure a Sven and Ole joke will do. . . So, Sven, Ole and Lars were best friends, absolutely inseperable. Well, one day there was a rather bad car accident involving Lars. Unfortunately, Lars passed away. Because Lars wasn't married, the coronor called Sven in to identify the body. Sven came in, the coronor pulled back the sheet, but due some disfigurement that happened in the accident, he said, "Well, that sure does look like Sven, dotcha know, but roll him over and I'll be able to tell for sure." Well, this puzzles the coronor, but he does it. Then Sven says, "Phew! Nope, that's not Lars, ya really had me worried there." Now, the coronor is even more perplexed, but he still thinks it's Lars so he calls in Ole. Ole said the same thing as Sven. "Ya, know that looks like, Lars, but can you roll him over just so we can make sure." The coronor, absolutely flabbergasted does it. Then Ole lets out this huge sigh and says, "Uff da! Ya sure had me worried! But that's not Lars." Now, the coronor is beyond curious. So, he says, look, Sven made me do the same thing, what on earth does Lars' bottom have to do with this? Well, Ole looks at him like he's crazy and says, "Dontcha know, whever we would walk down the street people would say, well look her comes Lars with the two assholes." Second Joke: Sven was a well respected minister in northern Minnesota. He was trying to convert his good friend Ole, and gave him a Bible and told him to read it. Ole said, sure, I'll have a look. So, the next time Sven sees Ole he asks him, "So Ole, how'd you like the Bible?" Ole turns to him a little confused and says, "Ya, well, it was a pretty good book, and there was a lot in there about St. Paul, but dontcha know, there wasn't one word about Minneapolis!" 3rd Joke: Ole and Lena had just gotten married. For their honeymoon they decided to go to Mystic Lake Casino and various other fun spots around the Twin Cities. As good Lutherans Ole and Lena had decided to wait until they got married to do the "deed." Well, driving to their hotel after the ceremony Ole and Lena pulled over for a little bit of a "detour." Well, they're kissing and having a good time, so Lena says, "Ya know Ole, we're married now, so we can go a lot further now!" So, Ole sits up starts the car and drives to Duluth. I'll be here all week folks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoxFan1 Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 There is an American lady and 2 Italian men sitting in a bar. The 1st Italian says to the other "Well, 1st Emma cums. Then I cum. Then 2 asses cum. Then I cum again. Then the 2 asses cum again. Then I cum for the 3rd time. Then I pee'd twice. Then I cum for the last one." The American overhears and says "Look, if you want to talk about your sex scahrades, go back to Italy, OK?" The lady storms out and the 2nd Italian man says "What did you do? You were teaching me to spell Mississippi!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bjm676 Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 (edited) You want some jokes, here you go: What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. > > What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag > > Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. > > What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts > > Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any > > > > > What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. > > > > > What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. > > > > > What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs > > > > > What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes > > > > > What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. > > > > > Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. > > > > > Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. > > > > What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you > > > > Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. > > > What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. > > > > > What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" > > > > > Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. > > > > > Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA. > > > > > Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. > > > > > Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." > > > > > Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. > > > > > Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. > > > > > Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. > > > > > What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. > > > > > What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. > > > > > What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. > > > > How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! > > > > What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..." > > > Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good ride Edited September 24, 2005 by robinventura23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rex Kickass Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 The other day I was talking to George Bush and I really wanted to ask him some tough questions. I looked him in the eye and said "Mr. President. I'd really like to you. What's your position on Roe v. Wade?" He looked me in the eye and said, "Whichever way they need to get out of New Orleans is just fine with me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Murphy's Laws of Combat - put to Latin. More Murphy's Laws Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. When your attack is going really well, its an ambush Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. The easy way is always mined. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. Incoming fire has the right of way. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. If the enemy is within range, so are you. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. Tracers work both ways. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. Weather ain't neutral. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. Napalm is an area support weapon. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Gleason Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 How did the monkey fall out of the tree? The elephant pushed him out!!! I love that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
witesoxfan Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 Sven and Lena get married, and decide to start a family. So Sven and Lena do their business, Lena is impregnated, and the two rejoice. Well, about 8 and a half months later, Lena is very near due, and Sven has to leave. He talks to Olie and tells him that he doesn't have time to name the babies, and will be out of town. So he tells Olie to to name the kids for them if he is out of town when she delivers. Well, about 2 weeks later, he returns, and Olie says to Sven "Sven! Lena had twins! There was one boy and one girl" Sven asks "So what did you name them?" Olie tells him... "Denise and De-nephew" Two blondes are reading a newspaper. The headline is... "TWO BRAZILIANS KILLED IN CAR CRASH" The one asks the other... How many is in a Brazilian? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YASNY Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and more welfare programs. In the middle of her heartfelt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her pointblank, how she was doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied, "Mary is just getting by," she continued, "all she has is barely a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies." But to explain further she continued emotionally, "But Mary is so very popular on campus; college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over." Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0?" He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair, equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing; she played while I worked real hard!" Her father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NUKE_CLEVELAND Posted September 24, 2005 Author Share Posted September 24, 2005 QUOTE(YASNY @ Sep 24, 2005 -> 06:25 AM) A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and more welfare programs. In the middle of her heartfelt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her pointblank, how she was doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied, "Mary is just getting by," she continued, "all she has is barely a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies." But to explain further she continued emotionally, "But Mary is so very popular on campus; college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over." Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0?" He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair, equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing; she played while I worked real hard!" Her father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." NICE!!!! Im gonna remember that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 QUOTE(NUKE_CLEVELAND @ Sep 24, 2005 -> 01:16 PM) NICE!!!! Im gonna remember that one. LMAO, only GOPerheads would compare grades with food, clothing, and shelter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nitetrain8601 Posted September 25, 2005 Share Posted September 25, 2005 What do you tell a girl with two black eyes? Nothing, you just told her twice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goober Posted September 25, 2005 Share Posted September 25, 2005 Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LosMediasBlancas Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 QUOTE(nitetrain8601 @ Sep 25, 2005 -> 01:52 PM) What do you tell a girl with two black eyes? Nothing, you just told her twice. What's the 1st thing a woman whose left a battered woman's shelter should do? The dishes!!....... if she's knows what's good for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 A middle aged guy was applying for a job at the US Post Office. The interviwer explains that these jobs are very hard to get unless you have already worked for the government. "I was in the Army" "Very good, you get points for that. Did you serve in combat?" "Yes, I was in the first Gulf War" "Very good, you get points for that. Were you injured" "Yes, I had my scrotum blown off" "Ouch, that's too bad, but excellent for getting this job. In fact, you're hired. We work from 8:00 am until 4:00 pm. I guess I'll see you at 10:00." "Why 10??" "Well we usually spend the first couple hours drinking coffee and scratching our balls . . ." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mreye Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 Q: What do you call a black pilot? A: A pilot, you racist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iwritecode Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirments for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks." the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Jewel anymore either." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mplssoxfan Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 Well, NUKE, you asked for it. In my inbox this Thursday... One day about a month ago, the President was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? She replied, $200." To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100. He then asked the redhead. Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mplssoxfan Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 I'm pretty sure this is a joke... BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000. "This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash." The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild. "Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it." The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana. "Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!" However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Democrats. "This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate MinorityLeader . "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit." "This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal." The money gained from 'T'he Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped into Liberal money fund run by the Rev.Jesse Jackson. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NUKE_CLEVELAND Posted September 27, 2005 Author Share Posted September 27, 2005 QUOTE(Mplssoxfan @ Sep 26, 2005 -> 11:16 AM) Well, NUKE, you asked for it. In my inbox this Thursday... One day about a month ago, the President was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? She replied, $200." To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100. He then asked the redhead. Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent. I got an awesome Clinton Joke. Bill Clinton and his wife are laying in bed on their 30th anniversery. When they first got married Bill told Hillary that he kept a box under their bed and that she should never open it no matter what. Hillary's curiosity got the best of her on their 30th and she opened the box. In it was 3 empty beer cans and 80 thousand bucks. Hillary tells Bill that she opened the box and wants to know about its contents. Bill is like ok. Honey every time I cheated on you I drank a beer and put the can in the box. Hillary thinks for a second........ok Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.......then says "well whats with the 80 thousand bucks?" Bill then says........well baby every so often the box would fill up with empty beer cans so Id take em to the recycling center and cash em in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hi8is Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 (edited) This post has been edited by the Soxtalk staff to remove objectionable material. Soxtalk encourages a free discussion between its members, but does not allow personal attacks, threats, graphic sexual material, nudity, or any other materials judged offensive by the Administrators and Moderators. Thank you. Edited September 27, 2005 by Goldmember Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hi8is Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 the other day, im in the bar and some guy walks in and hes got this really bad black eye. has to be one of the worst black eyes ive ever seen. he sits to my left and i just keep drinking, trying not to stare. about 5 minutes later another guy walks in... odd thing is, he's got a really bad black eye too... he sits down to my right, and i just keep drinking, trying not to stare. i get to thinking, and i figure that they had gotten in a fight.... i turn to the guy on my left and ask how he got his black eye. he says to me: "well, i was at the train station, and i was trying to get a ticket to pitsburg.... but the lady at the counter helping me, she was really f***in hot man. blonde hair, blue eyes, and BIG TITS. so im sitin there tryin to ask for a ticket to pitsburg but when i opened my mouth and spoke to her, i ended up saying: can i please get a PICKET TO TITSBURG. she hit me real good then." so then i had to ask the other guy. he looked at me and replyed, "the other morning i was at the dinner table getting ready to eat my breakfast. i had my bowl, i had my ceral, but across the table was my wife using the milk for the coffee. so im siting there thinking to ask her to pass the milk, but i got to thinking about my wife. and when i opened my mouth to ask for the milk, i ended up saying: YOU b****, YOU RUINED MY f***ING LIFE. she hit me pretty good then." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iwritecode Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 This one is as old as the hills but still one of my favorites... Usually everyone who has a dog calls him Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing. One day, I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said I was looking for Sex. My court case comes up next Thursday. One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog" he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old." He replied "You must have been a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church. My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", And the clerk said "Yes, I get that too." One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said "Show off!" I told him it was a contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said "Me too." Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me "What seems to be the trouble" I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mplssoxfan Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 (edited) QUOTE(NUKE_CLEVELAND @ Sep 26, 2005 -> 08:34 PM) I got an awesome Clinton Joke. Bill Clinton and his wife are laying in bed on their 30th anniversery. When they first got married Bill told Hillary that he kept a box under their bed and that she should never open it no matter what. Hillary's curiosity got the best of her on their 30th and she opened the box. In it was 3 empty beer cans and 80 thousand bucks. Hillary tells Bill that she opened the box and wants to know about its contents. Bill is like ok. Honey every time I cheated on you I drank a beer and put the can in the box. Hillary thinks for a second........ok Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.......then says "well whats with the 80 thousand bucks?" Bill then says........well baby every so often the box would fill up with empty beer cans so Id take em to the recycling center and cash em in. I like it! EDIT: Used this one last night on the job to great approval. Edited September 28, 2005 by Mplssoxfan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DePloderer Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sit, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President holds his head in his hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many's a brazillion?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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