I Got a C

[greg775]

Go meet with your teacher and explain your love of the team and I bet you'll get a B.

[aboz56]

I understand the criticisism

 

but again the reason why i got the C wasn't my choppy sentences or my bad tense usage(which I appreciate being pointed out since my teacher didn't)

 

It was because she didn't understand how following a tense sox game could be personal

She is obviously a prude non-sports fan who needs therapy. Possibly beaten by her football coach father as a child. Or her brother, who played lacross in college, accidentaly knocked her out as a kid.

 

Maybe next time express your love for the "arts" and you'll get an A.

 

 

I liked it though, sans a few grammar and punctuation problems.

[WilliamTell]

Go meet with your teacher and explain your love of the team and I bet you'll get a B.

 

haha depending on if she's a prude old teacher or a prude young teacher it probably won't change. If she's neither of those then there's a chance he can get a higher grade.

[Soxy]

What was the prompt of the assignment? If it was to write a personal essay, then I would say you deviated from it. You didn't establish a strong tie as to WHY the Sox are so important to you--and focused more on a single game as opposed to creating a holistic view that incorporates the Sox into your everyday life and intrinsic self. Without posting the actual prompt of the assignment it's difficult to say if the professor's assessment is off.

 

Additionally, you should try varying your sentence structure. S-V-P is so cliche.

 

(And, for the record, yes, I have written an essay about the Sox. And, yes, I did get an A on it.)

[Rowand44]

I got an A on my 10 page paper last year about "the subculture of white sox fans"

woot.

Nobody cares.

[SleepyWhiteSox]

(And, for the record, yes, I have written an essay about the Sox. And, yes, I did get an A on it.)

 

Post it, hot shot.

[Soxy]

Post it, hot shot.   

It's like 15 pages.

[Reddy]

guys i now officially know where to go when i want someone to read over one of my papers. lol wow it's like a writing lab in here.

[dymaxia]

What was the prompt of the assignment? If it was to write a personal essay, then I would say you deviated from it. You didn't establish a strong tie as to WHY the Sox are so important to you--and focused more on a single game as opposed to creating a holistic view that incorporates the Sox into your everyday life and intrinsic self. Without posting the actual prompt of the assignment it's difficult to say if the professor's assessment is off.

 

Additionally, you should try varying your sentence structure. S-V-P is so cliche.

 

(And, for the record, yes, I have written an essay about the Sox. And, yes, I did get an A on it.)

 

I guess we'd have to see the other papers to get an idea of what the teacher's idea of a good paper is.

 

Also, a good teacher ought to say more than, "tell me more about yourself."

 

Is she teaching writing, or is she a therapist? What school is this anyway?

 

I mean, yeah, the paper didn't exactly explain why the Sox are so important to him - fair enough criticism, but one problem with some teachers is that they're not very good at telling students

what they really mean, or what they are really looking for. Did the teacher make constructive comments like you guys did? Sounds like some of you ought to be teaching the class.

 

At least the writing was clear - you'd be surprised at how many students can't do that.

 

I think a 'C' is a bit harsh myself, as long as the teacher is holding out on what she thinks personal expression ought to sound like. She's supposed to be teaching kids how to express themselves, write clearly and make an argument.

 

I once had a graphics instructor who asked the class to make an autobiographical Flash piece. It was a computer graphics class, not psychotherapy, so I quit. If the teacher can't give specifics as to what the problem is, she's not a good teacher. I give the teacher a 'C' for being so cursory with her comments.

Edited November 3, 2005 by dymaxia

[Funkman7]

Yeah, I know it's just a high school freshman english class, but I think I agree with the grade on this one.

 

I think that C will force you to write better next time around.

[Hanky Panky]

Hey, I had to write an English paper analyzing a certain ad and pointing out the cultural stereotypes. I chose the White Sox ad campaign, specifically, the commercial called "Catch the Ball." My prof gave me a 83%.

 

Here is my paper:

 

 

Win or Die Trying

The Chicago White Sox have tagged the slogan Win or Die Trying for their 2005 advertising campaign. After a World Series drought of almost ninety years, this slogan intimates that the Sox must finally bring home a championship, or pay with the ultimate price, their life. The campaign consists of print, radio and television ads, but the commercial entitled Catch the Ball stands out as an exemplary model of this slogan. This commercial can be accessed at the Chicago White Sox main web site, www.chisox.com. Then, click on the Multimedia tab, followed by the White Sox Commercials tab. Finally, click on the link for Catch the Ball to view the ad. Catch the Ball, as well as the entire White Sox ad campaign, contains many cultural myths and stereotypes. Cultural myths addressed in Catch the Ball include the theme of good versus evil; the existence of hell and the devil; and the sanctity of abiding by the rules. Finally, Win or Die Trying and Catch the Ball challenge the cliché cultural myth that sport is not about winning or losing, but playing fair and having fun. In this case, there is no option—the Chicago White Sox must win.

Stereotypes abound in Get the Ball with the ad’s portrayal of the devil and hell. Also, Christian beliefs and American icons are presented in a stereotypical fashion. These and other symbolic elements give the commercial a humorous edge.

A quick synopsis of Get the Ball is in order before its meanings and symbols can be explored. The skills of White Sox centerfielder Aaron Rowand are featured. Rowand goes back to catch a ball in deep center field. After catching the ball, he crashes into the wall and is knocked unconscious. Suddenly, he is transported to a different place, hell. Satan confronts Rowand by waving the Win or Die Trying contract in his face. He reminds Rowand that since he did not catch the ball, he must pay with his life. After all, they had an agreement. Rowand appears confused. He did catch the ball. The devil, puzzled, looks at Rowand and the centerfielder is instantaneously warped back to Earth, where his teammates are checking to see if he is okay. He asks for help getting up, but his teammates run off the field.

Get the Ball plays on the cultural myth of good versus evil. If a person chooses evil over good, he or she will be penalized in the end with the fires of hell. The existence of hell, a Christian belief prevalent in the United States, is good fodder for a humorous ad.

In Christian theology, where there is hell, one will find the devil. Catch the Ball also addresses this myth. The ruler of hell punishes those who enter his domain, and Aaron Rowand, has passed into this realm. It is Satan’s task to punish Rowand. In this case, since Rowand did not catch the ball, he is left with the “die trying” part of the contract rather than the “win” part. And, his sin is so great, he is banished to hell.

The devil in the commercial is one of the biggest stereotypes. He is portrayed as a diabolical male. The fact that the devil is a man is also stereotypically sexist. It implies that only men are capable of handing out such tortures. Surely a woman would not rule in hell. Also, the devil in the commercial is dressed all in red, has horns, and even a pointed beard. Hell’s entrance is a fiery one, and the devil has a serpent-like tongue. He hisses and utters a fiendish cackle.

Another cultural myth present in this ad is that a person must abide by rules, in this case, the Win or Die Trying contract. If a legal document is signed and then breached, there will be consequences. For Rowand, there is literally “hell to pay” if he misses that fly ball. One must keep their word. Conversely, when the devil realizes that Rowand did catch the ball, he also must hold up his end of the bargain by morphing Rowand back to Earth. A deal is a deal.

Finally, the prevailing theme of the 2005 Chicago White Sox ad campaign, Win or Die Trying is a direct challenge to the cliché cultural myth that sport is not about winning or losing but playing fair and having fun. In this case, there is no option—the Chicago White Sox must win. That is what is truly important to the players, the fans and management. In Get the Ball, Rowand and Sox management reiterate that this year, placing second or third will not cut it. This team must win or the consequences will be grave.

Subtle symbols providing comedic relief are included in the advertisement. For example, the commercial’s “hell” actually takes place aboard an elevated train, commonly known as the “El” in Chicago. Also, in hell’s background, an “I Want You” poster is visible parodying the Uncle Sam “I Want You” recruiting posters utilized by the United States Armed Forces. Even the image of the devil holding up the Win or Die Trying contract in one hand and his staff in the other is a poke at the image of Moses holding up the Ten Commandments in one hand and his staff in the other. The devil’s staff even resembles a baseball bat. Steroids and Major League Baseball have been front-page news this year, as several players have tested positive for their use. Maybe baseball is the devil’s choice for sport. He likes the corruption and cheating that takes place behind the scenes.

Win or Die Trying is an effective advertising campaign and Get the Ball is one of its finest entries. In a humorous way, it lays everything on the line for frustrated White Sox fans who have sought a title for the last nine decades. Incidentally, the Sox clinched the American League Central Division title on Thursday, September 29, 2005. It appears that they have opted for the “Win” part over the “Die Trying” part.

[TheBigHurt]

they were still excited outcome of the battle

 

Maybe it was that little grammatical error XD

[Middle Buffalo]

My english teacher gave me a C about my narrative story about the thrill of watching the white sox this year saying, "You needed to choose a topic that really shows who you are"

 

Seriously, be happy with the C. C basically means average, and that more than adequately describes this paper.

 

My favorite line:

"Our excitable announcers moods had started to grow, as all we needed was a base hit to win this critical game."

[greg775]

your assignment is to go talk to the teacher, explain your passion and get back to us if your grade got improved. thanx.

[Rex Hudler]

I understand the criticisism

 

but again the reason why i got the C wasn't my choppy sentences or my bad tense usage(which I appreciate being pointed out since my teacher didn't)

 

It was because she didn't understand how following a tense sox game could be personal

 

I'm not an English teacher, nor a great writer. But I can add the following constructive criticism.

 

The teacher didn't get the personal connection because it wasn't there. You need to make the reader feel like they are in the room with you. Talk about clenched fists, sitting on the edge of your seat, sweat dripping, or whatever you can to bring it to life. I read it and while it was supposed to be a narrative, it was very plain. I didn't feel the emotion either.

 

As far as the writing, I am sure others can critique better than I, but I did notice a few things. It seemed choppy and didn't really have a flow to it. There were some errors in tense and also in grammar (see loose where lose should have been).

 

Next time you write something, write it so the reader can live it with you. Be more descriptive, yet make sure there is a flow to your ideas. Find ways to bring things to life.

 

I'll pick one part as an example

Even when me managed to steal a lead in the eighth inning, poor managing led to another collapse. Our bullpen had become overworked we were forced to throw in our rookie who blew the previous game. Watching this inning was like a North-Side fan watching the cubs choke in 2003.  Amazingly, our pitcher works his way out a jam and we have a tie game going into the ninth inning.

 

The first sentence says me instead of we and also alludes to another collapse. Yet, two sentences later, it says the rookie worked his way out of the jam. You never described what happened and how it was directly related to poor managing. You mentioned poor managing led to the collapse, but then tie it to an overworked bullpen. To me poor managing refers to that particular time, yet an overworked bullpen was due to past events.

 

It just doesn't tie together well. Make sense?

 

Lastly, beyond all of that, she may just simply be a Cubs fan.

 

Writing is not easy unless you have a special talent (which I do not have). All you can do is take ideas from others and figure out how to make your own style with them. Take all the criticism constructively and your next paper, about the Sox or not, will be better.

 

Good luck

[TheHammer]

It appears that they have opted for the “Win” part over the “Die Trying” part.

 

Such mastery over words could make Shakespeare himself envious.

[whitesoxin']

I failed my German vocab quiz the day after we clinched and ended up getting a 97.4% in the class. That is .1 percent from an A+ with an honors point. My teacher is *gasp* a Cubs fan and wouldn't let me do anything to get the extra tenth of a percentage point. Damn her.

 

Edit: However, I did an extra credit report for Physics comparing the velocity of Jenks, Contreras, Buehrle, Cotts, and El Duque. I made graphs and came up with a therory that the more mass you have and the younger you are, the harder you throw. It was nice watching my tapes of the games and "collecting data" for my "experiment" and getting extra credit.

Edited November 5, 2005 by whitesoxin'

[3E8]

Such mastery over words could make Shakespeare himself envious.

[Yoda]

I think it's pretty obvious why you got a