Enough doom & gloom

[Steff]

"Cows,Constitution,and Carlin"

 

COWS

 

 

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

 

 

 

CONSTITUTION

 

 

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

 

 

 

TEN COMMANDMENTS

 

 

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?

 

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

 

 

 

And Last but not least.....

 

 

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart ..

 

 

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her a** off to jail."

[Steff]

Handy Hormone Hostage Guide

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This "Handy Hormone Hostage Guide" should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

 

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

 

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown!

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

 

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

 

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

 

 

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today!

SAFEST: Ya know, I've always loved you in that robe.

[Steff]

The Sorry Golfer

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

 

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to

look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

 

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

"I don't remember much after that..."

[Steff]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

 

He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.

Then 110, 120 mph.

 

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of

thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

 

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[Steff]

Old Age Marriage Proposal

An elderly widower and widow meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

 

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decides to probe her soon-to-be mate.

 

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but.....How's your health?

 

It's O.K., he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".

 

"Well, then", she replies. "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are your fixed financially?"

 

"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".

 

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain, "And how's your SEX life.....?"

 

"Infrequently", he declares.

 

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking......"And is that ONE word or TWO?"

[Steff]

THE TOP FIVE SMART-A** ANSWERS OF THE YEAR

Smart-A** Answer #5

 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

 

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

 

Smart-A** Answer #4

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

 

The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

 

Smart-A** Answer #3

 

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

 

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

Smart-A** Answer #2

 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up! that reads Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

 

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

Smart-A** Answer #1

 

The SMART-A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR "THE TEACHER"

 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

 

A smart-a** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

[Steff]

Kids..

 

ON NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked. As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

 

SO HONEST

My son, Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little

smile, "We better throw this one out too, then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

 

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

 

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she said, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

 

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

 

ON THE ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs,

unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for

the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

 

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

 

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,

then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn...and into the hole he gooooes."

 

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

 

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed between the ages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have

you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[Steff]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

 

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and

follow my instructions.

 

First, let's make sure he's "dead." There is a silence..........then a shot is heard.

 

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[Steff]

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up,"

 

she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

 

So, I tied her up and went golfing.

[Steff]

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

 

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

 

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "F*** you!"

 

Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

[Steff]

FEMALE PRAYER

 

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

 

MALE PRAYER

 

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't

rhyme and I don't give a crap.

Amen.

[Steff]

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

 

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

 

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

 

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

 

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

 

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

 

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

 

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

 

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS NO MORE ZS

 

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

 

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

 

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

 

 

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters

(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[Steff]

THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

 

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

 

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

 

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD.. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

 

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.. Looks like a rat .. been out a while.. better be a reward.

 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

NORDIC TRACK: $300.. Hardly used, call Chubby.

 

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer: $300.

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.

45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything

[Steff]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

 

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it

between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[Steff]

As Dr. Suess might explain it...

 

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,

and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

 

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,

then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

 

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

 

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;

then you may as well reboot, and go out with a bang,

'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

 

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,

then you'll have to flash the memory,

and you'll want to RAM your ROM,

and then quickly shut it down, and be sure to tell your Mom!

[Steff]

http://www.toostupidtobepresident.com/shoc.../get_stupid.htm

[Steff]

Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

 

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created the universe?"

 

When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in

the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

 

"God Almighty!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

 

A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber.

 

0nce again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

 

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

 

Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.

 

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

 

Again Johnny came to the rescue.

 

This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that darn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

 

The Nun fainted.

[Steff]

SOUTHERN vs. NORTHERN FOOTBALL

Women's Accessories:

NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill

in the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks,

waterproof mascara, and a fifth of Captain Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary that's what dates are for.

 

Stadium Size:

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

 

Campus Decor:

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

 

Homecoming Queen:

NORTH: Also a physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America.

 

Cheerleaders:

NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.

SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.

 

Getting Tickets:

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on

campus and purchase tickets.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting list.

 

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game,because they have classes on Friday.

SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it

to class.

 

Parking:

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.

SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive

on Tuesday.

 

Game Day:

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to

get on camera and wave to the people up north.

 

Tailgating:

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to Local

radio station with truck tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthew's' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of

bourbon.

 

Getting to the Stadium:

NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.

SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

 

Concessions:

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it,filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure

enough room for Captain Morgan/Crown.

 

When National Anthem is Played:

NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them

stand up.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part

harmony.

 

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:

NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of Captain Morgan/Crown.

 

Commentary (Male):

NORTH: "Nice play."

SOUTH: "Damm!t, you slow sumb!tch - tackle him

and break his legs."

 

Commentary (Female):

NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."

SOUTH: "Damm!t, you slow sumb!tch - tackle him

and break his legs."

 

Announcers:

NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in

the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

 

After the Game:

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker.

While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.

[Steff]

Dear Abby:

 

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the

beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bull**** with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

 

What should I do? Signed, Clueless

 

************************************

Dear Clueless:

 

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him

anymore!

 

You're a United States Senator from New York.......act like it!

[Steff]

A woman (she's blonde; it'll be important later) came in to work one day to find her co-worker hanging upside-down from the ceiling. “What are you doing?” she asked.

 

"Shhh," she said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm acting like a light bulb."

 

A second later the Boss walked by and asked what was she doing hanging from the ceiling like that. "I'm a light bulb!" she exclaimed.

 

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off." With that, she jumped down and started walking out.

 

Her blonde co-worker started following her. The Boss stopped her and asked where she was going. She said; "I'm going home, I can't work in the dark."

[Steff]

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

 

 

[Steff]

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

 

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."

 

The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

 

The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

 

Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

 

The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor."

 

The duck leaves.

 

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

 

"No."

 

 

"Got any duck feed?"

[Steff]

Together at Last

 

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

 

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

[Steff]

Things heard during colonoscopies:

 

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

 

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

 

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

 

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

 

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

 

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

 

7. "You put your hand in; you take your left hand out..."

 

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

 

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

 

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

 

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

 

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

 

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

[Steff]

I get a lot of jokes via email... hope you enjoyed at least 1 of them.