Enough doom & gloom

[Soxy]

Got this one in the mail and figured I should add it to Steff's compilation.

 

OPEN LETTER TO YOUR PETS

 

Dear Dogs and Cats,

 

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain

your food. The other

dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,

placing a paw print in

the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim

for it becoming

your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically

pleasing in the

slightest.

 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a

racetrack. Beating

me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me

doesn't help because I

fall faster than you can run.

 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I

am very sorry

about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on

the couch to ensure

your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a

ball when they

sleep.

 

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each

other stretched out

to the fullest extent possible. I also know that

sticking tails straight

out and having tongues hanging out the other end to

maximize space is

nothing but sarcasm.

 

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the

bathroom. If by

some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the

door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob,

or get your paw

under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must

exit through the

same door I entered.

 

I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or

feline attendance is

not mandatory.

 

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other

dog or cat's butt.

I cannot stress this enough!

 

To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the

following message on our

front door:

 

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to

Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off

the furniture.

(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most

people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted

son/daughter who

is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not

speak clearly.

 

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because

they: eat less,

don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,

usually come when

called, never drive your car, don't hang out with

drug-using friends,

don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy

the latest

fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a

gazillion dollars for

college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

 

 

Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to

the

point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with

near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at

least

two.

[Texsox]

Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes

 

HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

 

A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

 

HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

 

A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

 

HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

 

A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:

"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

 

HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

 

A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

[Steff]

How To Bake a Holiday Turkey

 

Step 1: Get the turkey out of the fridge.

 

Step 2: Open a bottle of wine. Drink a glass.

 

Step 3: Put the turkey in the oven.

 

Step 4: Have another glass of wine.

 

Step 5: Set the oven at 375 degrees.

 

Step 6: Have some more wine.

 

Step 7: Turn. Oven..the on.

 

Step 8: Take another wine of drinkey.

 

Step 9: Turk the bastey.

 

Step 10: Wine another bottle of get.

 

Step 11: Stick the turkey in a thermometer.

 

Step 12: Glass your self…o pour of wine.

 

Step 13: Bake the wine for four hours.

 

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey.

 

Step 15: Floor the turkey up off the pick.

 

Step 16: Turk the carvey.

 

Step 17: Go get your self another wottle of bine.

 

Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

 

Step 19: Bless the saying pass and eat out.