Favorite Email Joke

[Texsox]

It's been around for years but always my favorite

 

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

 

 

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

 

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

 

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

 

 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

 

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

 

 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

 

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

 

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer.

 

 

 

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

 

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

 

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

 

 

CHILI # 5    LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

 

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

 

 

 

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

 

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili Good balance of spices and peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

 

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

 

 

 

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

 

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

 

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

 

 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

 

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

Judge # 3 - No Report         

[SleepyWhiteSox]

A Notre Dame fan, a Marquette fan and a DePaul fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

 

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip

 

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

 

The Notre Dame fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

 

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Notre Dame fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

 

The Marquette fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Marquette fan out crying like a little girl.

 

The DePaul fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal basketball fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

 

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the DePaul fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

 

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

 

"Tie the Marquette fan to my back."   

[Soxy]

oldie but a goodie. . .

 

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly

speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on

the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I

start to

get nervous, I take a sip."

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note

on the door:

 

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

 

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to

as daddy, junior and the spook.

 

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.

 

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his

donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

 

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

 

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he

said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body."

He did not say "Eat me"

 

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

 

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:

Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

 

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at

St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

[Soxy]

By Gene Weingarten

Washington Post Staff Writer

Sunday, January 14, 2001; Page F01

 

 

 

The following is excerpted from one of AOL's "hottest sites," the

Britney Spears Chat Room.

 

 

You are in BRITNEY SPEARS

 

PumpBody14: n e hot ladies in here?

 

Stinqwinky: Any hott guys want to chat?

 

Weinpost: Anyone want to talk about George W. Bush?

 

FN233: Ummmm. No.

 

CRAZY10Guy: No.

 

Weinpost: anyone have any views on the issues facing the new

administration?

 

Iamhorny18f: Any Hot Men Here I'll Strip For You on My Webcam. Click

here.

 

Weinpost: Anyone think Geo W. Bush is a hottie?

 

ZCC101: Bush sucks.

 

Crazy10Guy: I'm from Hawaii.

 

Weinpost: Do you folks disagree with his politics?

 

ZCC101: He's a lier.

 

ChickDx: He's just a jerk lier wannabe. Why do you like him.

 

Weinpost: I don't like him, totally. I just think he's hott.

 

ChickDx: GROSS!!!

 

Weinpost: um, how old are you, Chick?

 

ChickDx: 14 u?

 

Buki7: n e one got naked pics of Spears?

 

Weinpost: i'm 49

 

ChickDx: wow

 

GymnastKatie2000: ewwww

 

Weinpost: Do you feel that Bush will have problems establishing his

legitimacy, vis a vis the closeness of the election?

 

ChickDx has left the room.

 

GymnastKatie2000 has left the room.

 

JERaptor: n e 1 got nud pix of brit press 123

 

DirtyCrazyChico: You people saw her MTB Music Awards Performance? That

was MAD TIGHT

 

Weinpost: Anyone here have any feelings about the new presidential

administration of Geo W. Bush?

 

Angerrelated: WASSSSUUUUP

 

Jmaster96: I like feet.

 

Weinpost: I like George W. Bush and compassionate conservatism. Any

takers?

 

MagicCircle449: this room sucks who seriosly likes Brittney here?

 

StoneColdsGirlie: Britney Spears is a hoochie.

 

Weinpost: Is Richard Cheney a hottie?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: no he is an old guy

 

Scoobdoo1fan: he's like 58.

 

Weinpost: Do you trust Cheney as the number two guy?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: I dont trust Cheny.

 

Scoobdoo1fan: Or whatever his name is.

 

Scoobdoo1fan: I hate bush and gore.

 

Weinpost: Why, Scoobs?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: bush wants to make it illegal to have an aborshone

 

Samkam1209: Gore tries bush lies

 

Scoobdoo1fan: And Gore wants us not to have cars.

 

Weinpost: NO CARS?????

 

Scoobdoo1fan: For the enviornment

 

Slyfox1988: WWWWAAAZZZZUUUUPPPP!!!!

 

JERaptor: ne 1 got nude pix of brit press 123

 

Cutiepie19545: this is a weird question but does anyone know what

hospital britney was born in?

 

Weinpost: Do you believe in compassionate conservatism?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: I don't know what it is

 

Weinpost: Me neither!

 

Biznatchboy96: who thinks Britney iz hot?

 

Weinpost: Scoobs, do you like Britney?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: ya

 

Weinpost: Do you like George W. Bush?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: no

 

Weinpost: Do you like Scooby Doo?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: i used to. I like the grincg now

 

Weinpost: grincg?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: grinch. sry. bad spellar.

 

Weinpost: Are you concerned by the effects of this election on the

nation?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: i stayed up all that night watching them get the polls

from the states.

 

Weinpost: me too!

 

Scoobdoo1fan: i turned it in for extra credit.

 

Weinpost: uh, how old are you?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: 13/f/az.

 

Weinpost: what do your parents do?

 

PimpadelicMan: Hey, whats going on in here

 

McnacLeah: any girls want to give me their honest opinion of my pic? IM

me.

 

Scoobdoo1fan: my mom is a nurse. i dont live with my dad

 

Weinpost: What is the most important issue facing the new

administration?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: sorry i dont know what that means

 

Weinpost: OK, what is your biggest worry? Personal worry, in your life.

 

Scoobdoo1fan: dieing.

 

CHAd 1 MuSkA: britany spears is hot!

 

Scoobdoo1fan: or my dog passing away and my mom dieing.

 

Weinpost: What is your dog's name?

 

KrOnIcpLaYeR: Any fine gurlz want to talk 2 a 15/m brown hair brown

eyes 5'5?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: peanut.

 

Weinpost: Scoob, do you think we need a more conservative approach in

government?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: no

 

Weinpost: Why?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: Ppl might rebel.

 

Papakorn Jim: hey, scoobdoo1fan, want to chat?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: in a lil bit K?

 

Papakorn Jim: K.

 

Weinpost: Rebel? How?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: Well they might move and how would the US pay for itself

then

 

Bfavre141: 16/f fu want nude brit spears pics IM em now

 

Weinpost: Whoa. Good point. If the govt is too strict people will

leave. Erode the tax base. Where will they go?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: France

 

Weinpost: Could be. So you think Bush should sort of pretend to be

liberal to keep people happy?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: he could.

 

Weinpost: What would be a good first step?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: help homeles ppl

 

Weinpost: Good plan. Think it will happen?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: no

 

SwTa2nRyCeLuVr17: Britney is like my computer.

 

Weinpost: why not?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: Becus the US doesn't care i think

 

SwTa2nRyCeLuVr17: Cheap and plastic.

 

Scoobdoo1fan: theyd probly say

 

Scoobdoo1fan: look its ur fault

 

Scoobdoo1fan: get a job

 

Iamhorny18f: Any Hot Men Here.

 

Scoobdoo1fan: brb

 

Weinpost: brb?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: Be right back. I think my jello is done

 

Papakorn Jim: Do you think Britney really likes Justin?

 

Marie86877459984: ya

 

Papakorn Jim: i dont

 

Scoobdoo1fan: she IS going out w/ him. duh?

 

Weinpost: if i could get one message to George W Bush from Scoobs, what

should I tell him?

 

Scoobdoo1fan: take some time get used to being the prez dont rush into

things

 

Weinpost: good advice

 

Scoobdoo1fan: and dont be mean remeber the homeles its not there fault

 

Supercow5688: Britney Spears has fake ones but theyre still nice.

[NUKE_CLEVELAND]

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life.

 

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer those questions.

 

 

If A = 1, B = 2, C = 3.................X = 24, Y = 25 and Z = 26

 

 

THEN:

 

H + A + R + D + W + O + R + K

 

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

 

AND

 

K + N + O + W + L + E + D + G + E

 

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

BUT:

 

A + T + T + I + T +U + D + E

 

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

AND

 

 

B + U + L + L + S + H + I + T

 

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

and we know how far ass kissing will take you

 

A + S + S + K + I + S + S + I + N + G

 

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude that with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, it's the bulls*** and ass kissing that will put you over the top.