Middle Buffalo Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Top 30 Chuck Norris Facts: 1.) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2.) When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. 3.) Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. 4.) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. 5.) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 6.) If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 7.) Chuck Norris only speaks to Chuck Norris 8.) Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 9.) Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. 10.) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 11.) Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." 12.) Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. 13.) Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. 14.) Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't mess with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 15.) Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. 16.) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 17.) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 18.) There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris. 19.) Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 20.) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 21.) Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. 22.) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 23.) There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. 24.) The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. 25.) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 26.) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 27.) Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. 28.) Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Danny". 29.) When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 30.) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the age out of a 13 year old boy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rex Kickass Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 That is the funniest thing I've read in a long long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RibbieRubarb Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Chuck Norris sounds like he is a close relative to The Rally Crede! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HuskyCaucasian Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 LMAO! THat's great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juddling Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 12.) Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. OMG.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoCalSouthSider59 Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 I dig Chuck, but i gotta admit, that's freakin' hillarious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iwritecode Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Chuck has a soft side too: A few years ago, I organized the Kick Drugs Out of America Foundation. It is an organization designed to work with high-risk, inner-city children. The idea is to teach the kids martial arts to help raise their self-esteem and instill discipline and respect for themselves and others. Many of the kids, boys as well as girls, come from broken homes and are having trouble in school and in their lives in general. I'm pleased to say that the program has been working phenomenally well. Most young people quickly adapt to the philosophy of the martial arts. After more than thirty-five years in the martial arts, competing and training thousands of young people, there is one story that is engraved in my memory. It was told to me by Alice McCleary, one of my Kick Drugs Out of America Black Belt Instructors. One of her young students showed up for karate training without his purple belt. Alice reminded him that part of his responsibility as a student was to have his karate uniform and belt with him at all times. "Where is your belt?" she asked. The boy looked at the floor and said he didn't have it. "Where is it?" Alice repeated. After pressing the boy to answer, he quietly lifted his head and looked at her and replied, "My baby sister died and I put it in her coffin to take to heaven with her." Alice had tears in her eyes as she told me the story. "That belt was probably his most important possession," she said. The boy had learned to give his best, unselfishly. by Chuck Norris from Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MurcieOne Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 lol i read this a couple weeks ago and almost died.... its all over facebook now. Poor Chuck Norris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmteam Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 That's awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MurcieOne Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 here's some more 1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. 3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. 4. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. 5. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. 6. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "f***ing." 7. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 8. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. 9. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris. 10. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila. 11. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust. 12. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection. 13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down. 14. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. 15. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 16. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. 17. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. 18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill. 19. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 20. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. 21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 22. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. 23. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's s***. 24. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. 25. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NUKE_CLEVELAND Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 "If I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you" From Code of Silence Baddest ass movie quote ever! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juddling Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” and roundhouse kicks them in the face. Long Live Chuck Norris!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steff Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartslasher Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 7.) Chuck Norris only speaks to Chuck Norris 8.) Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard definitely the best for me :-P lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldmember Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 f***ing a! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnB Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 pffft, all this is so 2 months ago in the college world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoxFan1 Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 (edited) When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*** down. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." Chuck Norris once ate an old Chinese man for mispronouncing his name. Later that night when he took a dump, Mr. Miagi was born. Edited December 21, 2005 by SoxFan1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qwerty Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 I watch walker texas ranger every day at five pm and i would like to know how it lasted as long as it did. It is so bad it's funny... which is my reason for coming back every morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nitetrain8601 Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 QUOTE(SnB @ Dec 20, 2005 -> 04:34 PM) pffft, all this is so 2 months ago in the college world. Bingo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rowand44 Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 QUOTE(qwerty @ Dec 20, 2005 -> 10:52 PM) I watch walker texas ranger every day at five pm and i would like to know how it lasted as long as it did. It is so bad it's funny... which is my reason for coming back every morning. I love that show. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoxFanForever Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 Sounds a lot like the Vin Diesel random fact generator... http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalapse Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 *cough*BillBrasky*cough* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3E8 Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 Bruce Lee kicked his ass in Way of the Dragon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texsox Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 10.) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Easily my favorite Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dasox24 Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 QUOTE(Texsox @ Dec 21, 2005 -> 04:11 PM) Easily my favorite Mine too. Btw, here's the link to the website for people that haven't seen it. It updates occasionally with new "facts." Chuck Norris Top 30 Facts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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