Joke Thread

[Random]

I will start off with a blonde joke

 

>>> Football FINALLY makes sense..........

>>>

>>> A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had

>>> great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked

>>> her how she liked the experience.

>>>

>>> "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and

>>> all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were

>>> killing each other over 25 cents."

>>>

>>> Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

>>>

>>> "Well, at the beginning of the game they flipped a coin, one team got it

>>> and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the

>>> quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.......Helloooooo? It's

>>> only 25 cents!!!!

[SoxFan1]

For a chuckle or 12, refer to the Chuck Norris thread.

[ChWRoCk2]

I will start off with a blonde joke

 

>>> Football FINALLY makes sense..........

>>>

>>> A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had

>>> great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked

>>> her how she liked the experience.

>>>

>>> "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and

>>> all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were

>>> killing each other over 25 cents."

>>>

>>> Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

>>>

>>> "Well, at the beginning of the game they flipped a coin, one team got it

>>> and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the

>>> quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.......Helloooooo? It's

>>> only 25 cents!!!!

thats a good one Im going to use this

[tonyho7476]

How is a dick like a rubik's cube? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

 

Sorry, I don't know lots of jokes.

[southsider2k5]

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/clubhouse?team=chc

[mreye]

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/clubhouse?team=chc

[tonyho7476]

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/clubhouse?team=chc

 

Hey Ohhhh! Best joke ever.

[Iwritecode]

Once there was a man who had two peas up his nose, a carrot in one ear and a hunk of steak in the other ear. He went to the doctor and said, "I'm not feeling well."

 

The doctor said, ... "You're not eating right."

 

*********

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a tremendous urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

 

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do

 

"Do you remember that I told you I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

 

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

 

"Yes, I did." "

 

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

 

"I got fired."

 

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

 

"Oh...she got fired too."

 

*********************

 

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!!

 

Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" So Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone, and I know them!"

 

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" So they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.

 

But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!" This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!" But Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on the debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!"

 

So they fly to Washington and they catch with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned. He can't believe it.

 

But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!" And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You don't know the Pope!"

 

Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTISED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-without much luck-so Bubba says "Boss we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what, I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.

 

Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.

 

Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss, what happened?"

 

Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton, heck, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!"

Edited January 6, 2006 by Iwritecode

[southsider2k5]

Secret of happiness for men:

It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

 

It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

 

It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

 

It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

 

It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[Iwritecode]

These are hilarious.

 

Following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. These instances serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

 

 

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

 

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of his intentions.

 

3. I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up, when I put my head through it.

 

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

 

6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 

7. The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 

8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

 

9. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

 

10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

 

11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 

12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

 

13. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

 

14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

 

15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

 

16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

 

17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

 

18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

 

19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

 

20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

 

21. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 

22. I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

 

23. The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end.

[Iwritecode]

These aren't exactly jokes but still some of the funniest things I've ever read on a message board. I got them from another message board I frequent under a thead called: "I am an idiot - The Stupid Thread." The guys story-telling ability is amazing.

 

I hereby vow to no longer try to plan out my conversations with strangers, or at least wait until they speak first before starting to plan.

 

This morning while walking to the front door of our building, I noticed a woman getting out of her car and heading for the building. I recognized her as one of the women who work on the 3rd floor, and she wasn’t wearing a jacket despite the cold temperature.

 

Once I saw that we were going to be reaching the front door at roughly the same time, I sped up my pace so I could open the door and hold it open for her like my father always taught me I should do. I also decided that I should probably have some sort of greeting ready as well. This, as I am slowly learning is where went wrong.

 

Since it was cold and she wasn’t wearing a jacket, I figured some sort of comment about it being cold outside would be in order. She was walking briskly and had her arms tucked in close to her sides. I decided I’d say “Nippy out, huh?”

 

As you can see, I was doomed to failure.

 

So I opened the door and stepped back to let her walk through. Before I could say “Nippy out, huh?” she smiled and said “Hi”.

 

Again, I had come up against someone who had completely abandoned the script I had previously written for our conversation, which threw me into a state of confusion. She had decided to just say “Hi”, to which I replied

 

“Nipple…hi”

 

Looking back at times like this, I often ponder on what the other person must be thinking. “Nipple… hi” generally is not a common greeting in the United States, or anywhere in the world for that matter. I would even guess that such a greeting does not exist anywhere in literature either. No, I had coined an entirely new greeting by combining the simplest of greetings with the name of a body part that generally isn’t discussed with casual acquaintances.

 

Did the woman think that I was calling her Nipple? And if so, I’m sure she wondered why I had picked that particular nickname for her. I’m sure she probably looked down at her chest to see if there was anything going on that would cause me to call her Nipple.

 

In that split second, I tried to think of someway to recover from this, since I now realized I was going to have to ride on the elevator alone with this woman, but nothing was coming to me. Maybe I could continue to talk with her, starting each sentence with the word nipple which might convince her that I suffered from a very specific form of Tourette’s Syndrome. But somehow, I’m sure that would make matters worse, since once again, I was planning my conversations ahead of time, which has proven disastrous for me. Plus, even if everything went according to plan, I would end up getting on the elevator and saying something like “Nipple… Going up?” or “Nipple… What floor?” So, that plan was out.

 

Perhaps I could fix the situation by just continuing to talk and make it sound like I meant to say “Nipple… hi” and make it all make sense. Maybe make “Nipple… hi” into the first line of something more appropriate. But that was not to be. There’s no way to use “Nipple… hi” other than in a poem or song or something. You know “Nipple… hi; nipple… low; I love nipples, don’tcha know!” So that plan was out.

 

I guess I could have said something like, “I’m sorry, you look just like my friend Nipple, I thought you were her.” But that would open me up to making the mistake of saying “I’m sorry, you look like my friend’s nipple. I thought you were her.” It was then that my brain finally kicked into gear and I realized that I needed a solution that would not involve saying the word “nipple” anymore. “Nipple” got me into this mess, but it was not required to help me out of it.

 

The best solution came when I saw the men’s room on the ground floor. I could just hide out in there and let her ride the elevator in peace, without some guy saying nipple to her. Since that was the only logical choice, that is the option I selected.

 

When I got in the men’s room I got to thinking about how stupid and funny the situation was and started laughing uncontrollably to the point where tears were coming out of my eyes.

 

Destiny is not my friend. Suddenly another person came into the men’s room to find me either crying or laughing. I’m sure it was difficult to tell which. I resisted the urge to say “Nipple… hi” to him as I left. He was already going to have a tough enough time figuring out what, in a completely empty public rest room, would make me laugh or cry so much.

 

Of course, I'm sure now that when I walk out of the building for the rest of my life, people are going to point at me from the third floor window and say "There goes the Nipple guy"

 

Others are below...

[Iwritecode]

Okay, there are times when an entire conversation goes wrong, where one person in the conversation is a step behind and never quite catches up. It usually ends with that person acting like an idiot, saying and doing stupid things. The other person in the conversation is left wondering if he or she is really donating enough money to charities concerned with brain deficiencies.

 

This morning, I was in one of those conversations, and guess which role I played.

 

When you ride an elevator with a stranger, usually the whole conversation is already scripted out. It usually involves a benign greeting, the stating of a floor number, silence, then a benign closing. That is what we expect, that is what we want, and that is usually what we get. But sometimes you find yourself with someone who decides now would be a good time to play “Whose Line Is It Anyway” without telling you before hand that you have left the comfort zone, the script has been thrown out the window, and we’re doing improv.

 

Here’s what happened:

 

I came into the building, thinking about all the things I need to get done today. A man was standing at the elevator, waiting for it to arrive. I naturally expect him to say “Hi” or “Good Morning”.

 

Man: How’s the world treating you?

 

Me: Good Morning!

 

This man has caught me off guard by going off script, and I am beginning my decent into the first circle of conversation Hell. I do not correct my error, but instead decide the best approach is to lean over and push the up button, which the man has already pushed. Apparently, I must think that unless I push it as well, when the elevator comes, it will only take him.

 

The elevator doors open and do, in fact allow both he and I both to enter. He leans over and presses the button for the 4th floor, the same floor I am going to. I think to myself “Oh, he’s going there too.”

 

Man: What floor?

 

Me: (still thinking “Oh, he’s going there too.” So naturally I answer…) Too

 

The man leans over and presses the button labeled “2”. Obviously, he is relatively new to the building and doesn’t remember that in our building, the ground floor is considered the 2nd floor. The doors immediately open to let me out.

 

The few seconds that the doors are reopened on the second floor seem like an eternity to me. I’m not sure how to save face. Do I get out on the second floor and pretend like I’ve arrived at my destination, hoping the man doesn’t realize the elevator has not moved an inch? Or do I stay on the elevator and play dumb and hope he doesn’t remember that I had said “Too”? I decided that my best course of action would be to lean over and once again press the 4th floor button, which he had also pressed just a few seconds earlier. Apparently, I believe that my earlier theory applies to getting out of the elevator as well)

 

We ride up the two floors in silence, the man obviously wondering if I am completely insane. Only now do I decide to be proactive and think of something somewhat intelligent to say for my benign closing. I expect he’ll say something like “Have a nice day” or “Have a good one”. So I am trying to think of a good response when the doors open, we both step out and he decides to throw me another curve ball.

 

Man: Take care of yourself.

 

Me: (struggling to compose a complete, relevant and appropriate response on the fly)

 

I… want… you to have a nice day

 

Man: Okay, I will then.

 

So now I sit here at my desk, finally catching up, but now I am afraid to go to the bathroom, for fear of meeting up with the same guy in there.

 

One time, a few years back, a client of the company I was working for at the time, called to say one of their machines had broken down. One of our technicians rushed down to the client site to see what was wrong, and called me back to say they needed a new exhaust hose. He didn’t have one with him and asked me if I’d send someone down with one. It was close to the end of the day and no one wanted to drive the two hours there and two hours back, so I bit the bullet and decided to take it down there myself.

 

The hose in question is the exact size and shape of the hose for your clothes dryer vent at home. You know, the stretchy white thing. But we couldn’t very well charge them hundreds of dollars for parts that were available at Home Depot, so we had some custom dryer hose made up, which was yellow and blue striped and had our logo on it. It looked like something you’d see in Carrot Top’s house. Of course all the users manuals for our products said that this was special hose, and using “non-standard hose” could damage the equipment and void the warranty.

 

I had neglected to ask the technician how much of this hose he needed, so I decided to be on the safe side and bring the whole length… about 30 feet.

 

So already, you know this isn’t going to end well I’ll bet.

 

I threw it in the back seat of my car and headed down the highway. My office was in North Carolina and I had to drive into South Carolina. About 95% of the trip was on interstate, but after about ½ hour of driving, it was interstate in the middle of nowhere.

 

I crossed into SC, and a few minutes later, my car started making a funny noise. I turned the radio down, because I tend to do that when I’m either looking for something or am having car trouble. This has never helped me find what I was looking for nor had it ever solved any mechanical problems I had with my car, and this time proved to be no exception. The car completely died on me and I pulled over on the side of the highway.

 

Getting out of the car, I couldn’t see an exit in either direction, but I knew from driving this stretch of highway before, that I had at least two mile to walk in either direction. It was hot and I was wearing dress pants, dress shirt and a tie.

 

My plan was to walk (with the hose) to the next exit, call the technician to come pick up the hose, then deal with the car when that was done. So I started hoofing my way down the side of I-85…

 

About 15 minutes later, maybe about a mile down the road from my car, an old beat up blue pick up truck with three people in the cab passed me and eased over to the side of the road and stopped about 50 yards ahead of me. “Great,” I thought, “He must have seen my car with the hazard lights on, then saw me walking and decided to give me a lift.

 

I trotted up to the back of the truck, climbed in and braced myself for them to take off, but nothing happened. I thought they were probably waiting for me to let them know I was ready to go, so I slapped the side of the truck twice like I’d seen hitchhikers do on TV and the movies.

 

When they still didn’t start driving, I looked up at the front of the truck with what I imagine was a “why the hell haven’t you started driving?” look on my face.

 

What I saw, was that all three of the rednecks that were in the cab of the truck were now out of the truck looking under the hood, which had white smoke billowing out from under it. That’s when it dawned on me that they had pulled over because THEIR vehicle had just broken down as well, not to give me a ride to the next exit. The three of them had all just looked up to find a strange guy in a tie sitting in the back of their truck, with miles of dryer hose. Each of them had a look on their faces like “Who the f*ck is that? How long has he been back there??” Then they all looked at each other like they were saying “Emmett? Is he a friend of yours?”

 

Trying to look as cool as I could doing so, I carefully climbed out of the truck bed, straightened my tie and started pulling out what I’m sure looked like 3 miles of blue and yellow striped dryer hose out of the back. It took me a few minutes to get this large 30-foot length of what must have looked like a giant clown’s penis under control and looped over my shoulder. They all watched this in stunned silence. I continued walking to the next exit. As I passed the front of the truck, I couldn’t think of what to say, so I just settled on “Good Evening”, and continued walking as if nothing was out of the ordinary and I would now continue my journey on foot.

 

An hour or two later, when I was brought back to deal with my car, I noticed that the pickup truck was gone. There’s no telling what their version of the story must sound like.

[bjm676]

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/clubhouse?team=chc

 

 

 

That, by far, is the funniest so far. How ironic that there's a picture of Dusty on the page.

 

Here's my entry:

 

A recently widowed Jewish lady, Golda, was sitting on a beach in Florida.

 

She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.  Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

 

"Hello sir, how are you?

 

"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.

 

" I love the beach.  Do you come here often?" she asked.

 

"First time since my wife passed away last year."  he replied.

 

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

 

"Yes" he answered, continuing to read.

 

"Do you like pussycats?" she asked.

 

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.

 

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Golda gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that is what I wanted?"

 

The man replied, "How did you know my last name was Katz?"

[mreye]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that

the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to

live.

 

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturaly, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours

later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,

you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we

please do it one more time?"

 

Of course the wife agrees and they do it again. Later,

as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and

realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches

his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey please, just one

more time before I die." She says, "of course,

dear," and hey make love for the third time.

 

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to

sleep. Morris, however worried about his impending

death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only4 more hours. Do you

think we could .......

 

At this point, the wife sits up and says, "Listen

Morris, I have to get up in the morning........you

don't."

[Chisoxfn]

These are hilarious. 

I had a presentation in my insurance class and used some of those jokes from that list about a month ago.

[Steve Bartman's my idol]

Man goes to the doctor, and says "Doc, I have something to show you...you're not gonna believe this!".

 

They go into the examinating room, the guy drops his pants, spreads his "cheeks", and says "Check it out, Doc.".

 

Doctor says, "There's a piece of lettuce sticking out of your ass!".

 

Guy responds, "That's just the tip of the iceberg!".

[Sox It To Em]

Q. What do Dracula's wife and Mike Tyson have in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A. They both go down for the count.