GASHWOUND Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 I found this amusing..from the Maxim lounge http://www.maximonline.com/maximlounge/max.../html/5276.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bjmarte Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 I found this amusing..from the Maxim lounge http://www.maximonline.com/maximlounge/max.../html/5276.html It's members only. I can't get to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 24, 2003 Author Share Posted May 24, 2003 I found this amusing..from the Maxim lounge http://www.maximonline.com/maximlounge/max.../html/5276.html It's members only. I can't get to it. oops, soory bout that..I'll paste it No disrespect to your polyvinyl-encased, cherished mint-condition Hulk #181, but most of those superheroes we loved in our youth were, in retrospect, lamer than Jimmy Buffett…singing Abba songs…in a Holiday Inn rest room. Bad costumes, useless powers, strange, um, “affiliations”…The world of superpowered do-gooders is a crapshoot, to say the least. But with so many of them invading movies and TV lately, we decided to catalog the very worst…the costumed flops who’d make even Siegfried and Roy point and giggle. Excelsior! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 30. Silver Surfer Status: Member of the Defenders Secret identity: Norrin Rad Origin: In exchange for planet-eating Galactus sparing his home world of Zenn-la, Norrin Rad became his lackey, the Silver Surfer. Eventually, he defies the gargantuan planet hog and starts using his power for good. Power: He has superstrength, invulnerability, and can shoot beams of the “power cosmic.” Also has great balance. Why so lame: More like a living billboard for sports drinks, the Silver Surfer always looked like he was traversing the cosmos buck naked. And why would an alien space traveler have a surfboard anyway? 29. Blue Beetle Status: Member of the Justice League of America Secret identity: Ted Kord Origin: Ted Kord, former chairman of the board of KORD Inc., uses his electronic genius to fight crime as the Blue Beetle. Power: He’s got none, but he does own a buttload of giant beetle-shaped gadgets and vehicles. Why so lame: He’s a little too in love with his whole bizarre “Beetle” motif. It’s not as if beetles are extraordinary bugs or anything. Now, Crimson Caterpillar—that’s a name! 28. Green Lantern Status: Member of the Justice League of America Secret identity: Multiple; currently Kyle Rayner Origin: One of over 3,000 members comprising the Corps, Green Lantern of Space Sector 2814 protects Earth, the surrounding cosmos, and the Diamond District. Power: A ring that can create force fields, cast destructive beams, heal the wounded, and make the gals at the parlor positively green with envy. Why so lame: His superpowers come from battery-powered jewelry. Most degradingly, he’s defenseless against the color yellow. If you should encounter the Lantern, shower him in spray butter. While he obsessive-compulsively polishes his ring, run. 27. Darkman Status: Probably lurking somewhere—watch behind you! Secret identity: Peyton Westlake Origin: Hideously burned by gangsters who were ransacking his laboratory, Darkman lurks in the shadows, fighting injustice and changing his face more often than his underwear. Power: Synthetic skin enables Darkman to assume different identities but only for brief amounts of time. He’s also—what’s the term? —totally f***ing nuts. Why so lame: A walking plastic surgery disaster? What kind of hero is that?! 26. The Phantom Status: Former member of the Defenders of the Earth Secret identity: Kit Walker Origin: After witnessing his parents killed by pirates (arrrh!), the mysterious Phantom, um, shakes his fist and threatens bad guys from his jungle hideout. Power: He’s got no powers to speak of. He is known, though, to carry handguns, and he sports a ring with a skull on it. He also wears purple tights. Or would that be “eggplant”? Why so lame: A pair of six-shooters and a trusty steed are fine if you’re Clint Eastwood. But if you’re a hermit in a unitard, it sucks. 25. SHE-RA Secret identity: Princess Adora Origin: He-Man’s twin sister. Power: She has superstrength, a flying pony, and ’roid-rage-fueled PMS. Why so lame: When bad guys are hunky, she must remember to tape over her supernipples before getting into costume or they’ll slice through the fabric, traumatizing children. 24. DAREDEVIL Secret identity: Matt Murdock Origin: Blinded by radioactive waste, Murdock swore to fight crime after goons murdered his boxer dad. Is also a lawyer. Power: He has batlike radar sense that makes up for his lack of seeingness…sort of. Why so lame: He’s. A. Blind. Superhero. What’s next? Quadriplegic Stone Deaf Man? 23. CAPTAIN MARVEL Secret identity: Billy Batson Origin: A subway-dwelling wizard (yeah, sure, buddy) gave young Billy the ability to turn into an adult superhero. Power: By saying “Shazam!”, Billy can fly and is invulnerable. Why so lame: Is he a little boy who can become a grown man or vice versa? Either way you slice it, it’s icky. 22. THE FLASH Secret identity: Barry Allen Origin: Simultaneously struck by lightning and doused with chemicals (What sign was this asshole born under?), Barry Allen became the fastest man alive—the Flash! Power: He can run really fast. Also…no, wait, that’s it. Why so lame: When a curb can defeat you, you’re lame. 21. INVISIBLE WOMAN Secret identity: Sue Storm Origin: On a rocket designed by her future husband, Reed Richards, Sue took a radiation bath that gave her superpowers. Which is…super! Power: She can turn invisible and set up force fields. Why so lame: Now, Inaudible Woman is something we could all get behind… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 24, 2003 Author Share Posted May 24, 2003 20. MOON KNIGHT Secret identities: Marc Spector, Steven Grant, Jake Lockley Origin: Marc Spector gave up the soldier-of-fortune biz and invented several new identities, including Moon Knight. Power: None. Why so lame: What kind of “nocturnal avenger” wears all white? Why not just put blinking lights on your head, dork? 19. PUCK Secret identity: Eugene Judd Origin: Soldier of fortune (that’s original) Eugene fell victim to an evil spirit that transformed him into a beefy midget. D’oh! Power: He’s very strong and can somersault ferociously. Why so lame: He’s a midget in a leotard named for a chunk of rubber that gets slapped around by Canadians. Any questions? 18. HOURMAN Secret identity: Rex Tyler Origin: Rex developed an addictive miracle drug named Miraclo (duh!), which gives a person momentary superpowers. Power: Strength, near-invulnerability, and speed…for an hour. Why so lame: His powers can be nullified by a traffic delay. When taken in the bedroom, he becomes 30-second Man. 17. MAN-THING Secret identity: Ted Sallis Origin: A lab accident in a swamp turned biochemist Sallis into a lumbering heap of vegetation. Power: Photosynthesis. His touch burns anyone who fears him. Looks pretty in the den, by the window. Why so lame: He looks like something a vegan vomited up. 16. BLACK LIGHTNING Secret identity: Jefferson Pierce Origin: Jefferson acquired an electricity-generating superbelt to help him fight crime and dispense justice in the ghetto. Power: Can generate electricity—enough to power a small black-and-white television for up to 20 minutes. Why so lame: Judging by Black Lightning’s credentials (disco tights and funky belt), Bootsy Collins could be a superhero. 15. WONDER WOMAN Secret identity: Princess Diana (no, not that one) Origin: Chosen by the Amazons to serve as their crime-fighting champion in the world of Man. Power: Superstrength, a pair of bullet-deflecting bracelets, and a gold lasso that makes people tell the truth. In other words, the girlfriend from hell. Why so lame: PMS. See this star-spangled stripper in the parking lot, feeling around for her invisible jet? Back off. 14. SHE-HULK Secret identity: Jennifer Walters Origin: The Mob tried to rub out Jenny with a shower of bullets…Little did they know her cousin was Bruce “the Hulk” Banner. After an emergency green-blood transfusion, Jennifer became the She-Hulk. Power: She has superstrength; can pulverize any johnson between her mighty she-labia. Why so lame: Basically, she’s just a hot green chick. Yawn. 13. FIRESTORM Secret identities: Ronny Raymond and Martin Stein Origin: An accident fused the minds of student Ronny and professor Martin into one hero: Firestorm. Power: He can fly and phase through solid objects. Why so lame: Imagine trying to fight crime as a voice in your head corrects your grammar… 12. THOR Secret identity: Donald Blake Origin: The son of the Norse god Odin, Thor was punished for his arrogance and forced to assume the part-time identity of a crippled medical student. Power: He has superstrength, flight, and a magic hammer; has amazing blond hair with body and bounce! Why so lame: Any superhero who’d be played by Fabio should quit and start hitting the mead. 11. GREEN ARROW Secret identity: Oliver Queen Origin: Stuck on a deserted island, Oliver taught himself the hunting skills that he’d later use to fight bad guys. Power: He has incredible aim—also uses trick arrows that wear cute boxing gloves. Why so lame: Archery skills were long ago left in the dust by more advanced weapons…like, oh, say, clubs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 24, 2003 Author Share Posted May 24, 2003 10. SUPERMAN Secret identity: Clark Kent Origin: Kal-El, an orphan from the planet Krypton, was adopted by farmers the Kents. Power: He can fly, and he possesses superstrength, invulnerability, X-ray vision, heat vision, freezing breath—and two clanking balls of steel. Why so lame: He’s a cornfed, holier-than-thou Boy Scout with a lame disguise. C’mon! 9. CAPTAIN PLANET Secret identity: Sting (um, we think) Origin: Summoned when five multiethnic kids combined the power of their rings, Captain Planet helps thwart ecovillains. Power: He can fly, and he sports a green mullet; weaknesses include littering, toxic waste. Can never enter New Jersey. Why so lame: He’s Greenpeace’s own Superman! 8. APACHE CHIEF Secret identity: Token Native American Origin: Apache Chief was given his superabilities by his tribe’s medicine man. Power: By saying a magic word, Apache Chief can grow 50 feet tall—but as his costume’s a loincloth, the view ain’t pretty. Why so lame: Seems like more of a Mohegan Sun attraction than a superhero. 7. DR. HENRY PYM Secret identity: Lessee, there’s Yellowjacket, Ant-Man, Goliath… Origin: After thugs murdered his wife, Pym assumed a number of different superhero identities, all pathetic. Power: Can become big or little. Has Napoleon and reverse-Napoleon complexes. Why so lame: One awful identity is bad enough, but Pym has struck out four different times. 6. BANSHEE Secret identity: Sean Cassidy Origin: An Irish member of Interpol, Banshee actually got his start as a bad guy before Professor X sought him out to join the X-Men. Been fighting the good fight, downing Guinness, and pestering ’N Sync with his résumé ever since. Power: His scream can shatter and destroy things, and he can fly. Banshee does not, however, have the gift of the blarney. Why so lame: What? You mean besides the fact that he’s known to villains as Shrieks-Like-a-Girl Man? Couldn’t they come up with something better? Shillelagh Man would’ve been 10 times cooler. 5. DAZZLER Secret identity: Alison Blaire Origin: Using her hush-hush abilities, Dazzler became a famous disco singer, but the mirrored ball stopped turning when a boyfriend persuaded her to reveal to the world that she was a despised mutant. Typical. Power: She can convert sound into brilliant displays of light and color. “Ooh!” “Aah!” Why so lame: OK, you’re a hardened crook, and what’s that in the distance? A shining chick in a silver jumpsuit on roller skates zooming to irritate your corneas! Dazzler should have gone down with the disco ship. Fun fact: Is the only hero ever to have been spotted at Studio 54. 4. MATTER-EATER LAD Secret identity: Tenzil Kem Origin: Matter-Eater Lad was born on the toxic planet Bismoll (no word on its companion star Pepto), where the locals evolved superguts that enabled them to eat any substance—even British food. Was allowed to join the Legion of Super-Heroes, who will apparently take just about anybody. Power: Can consume any matter—animal, vegetable, or mineral. Is a big hit with the ladies. Why so lame: Let’s say Matter-Eater Lad was trapped in a steel-reinforced concrete vault. He could eat his way out of it. But those bowel movements… 3. DOCTOR STRANGE Secret identity: Stephen Strange Origin: After a car accident impaired his abilities as a surgeon, Stephen Strange moved to N.Y.C.’s fabulous West Village, hired an Asian manservant, and became a…sorcerer. Power: He wears the fashionable “Eye of Agamotto” necklace that can do all sorts of plot-convenient things, like open up dimensional gateways. Also has a Swedish-porn-star mustache. Why so lame: Dr. Strange is Dr. Ka-ray-zee! Looks like he’d be comfortable in a kimono, sipping a martini before asking you to play strip Jenga with the rest of the hepcat swingers. 2. AQUAMAN Secret identity: Arthur Curry Origin: Aquaman was born to a mixed marriage: His father was an average Joe, and his mother was the deposed queen of an advanced underwater civilization. Devoted himself to crime fighting to avenge the death of his childhood sea monkeys or some s***. Currently playing comic relief for a number of different supergroups. Power: He can breathe underwater, swim fast, and, best of all, communicate with fish. Plus, his fingers never, ever get wrinkly. Why so lame: “I’m trapped in…frigging…tuna net again. Swordfish! Hear and obey! Stop laughing and cut me loose!” 1. ROBIN Status: Sidekick Secret identity: Dick Grayson Origin: Dick watched helplessly as his circus acrobat parents got whacked by some Gotham City gangsters. (Hey, we just figured out why!) Adopted by Bruce Wayne/Batman and vowing revenge, he became the fearsome, um, Boy Wonder. Evil—snicker—better beware! Power: He can swing from ropes, ride shotgun, tidy up the living room, and peek out from behind Batman’s cape. Why so lame: Robin isn’t just lame—he’s hands-down the most embarrassing, useless, and completely ridiculous superhero ever. No powers, a femmy nickname, a figure-skater costume, and no actual responsibilities of his own. Why he wasn’t super-wedgied a long time ago is beyond us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 24, 2003 Author Share Posted May 24, 2003 There you go people, sorry..thought even though it was members you guys could see that one page. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spiff Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 matter-eater lad is f***ed up. i agree with daredevil and superman though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CubKilla Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 matter-eater lad is f***ed up. i agree with daredevil and superman though. You knew Batman wouldn't be on there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sox4lifeinPA Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 Wolverine is the best...hands down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doubleM23 Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 Wolverine is the best...hands down. Wolverine? He's a god damn mutant... Should be exterminated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LowerCaseRepublican Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 Two best heroes ever: Spider Jerusalem Jesse Custer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heads22 Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 Dammit. In my school's next production of Batman (Batman 3: Silence of the Bat), I play Robin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soxfest Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 Captain Planet was the WORST and wherer the hell are the LAME ASS Wondertwins with gleek, they were alot worse than Robin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chisoxfn Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 Captain Planet was the WORST and wherer the hell are the LAME ASS Wondertwins with gleek, they were alot worse than Robin. Haaa, When we combine our powers together to form CAPTAIN PLANET Wind, Raaaain, Waatter, Firee, Earth, HEEEAAAART!!!!! I remember that show used to be on just before I had to go out with the family on Sunday mornings when I was a wee lad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 26, 2003 Author Share Posted May 26, 2003 matter-eater lad is f***ed up. i agree with daredevil and superman though. Not Superman!! Hey, if I put on glasses I might be unreconizable to some.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 26, 2003 Author Share Posted May 26, 2003 Captain Planet was the WORST and wherer the hell are the LAME ASS Wondertwins with gleek, they were alot worse than Robin. Captain Planet? Who the f*** is that? Wondertwins? Gleek? WTF Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 26, 2003 Author Share Posted May 26, 2003 Dammit. In my school's next production of Batman (Batman 3: Silence of the Bat), I play Robin. Lets hope Joel Schumacker isn't directing your play. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heads22 Posted May 26, 2003 Share Posted May 26, 2003 Dammit. In my school's next production of Batman (Batman 3: Silence of the Bat), I play Robin. Lets hope Joel Schumacker isn't directing your play. Nope. Beau Batterson. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Showtime Posted May 26, 2003 Share Posted May 26, 2003 Captain Planet? Who the f*** is that? That was a cartoon run mostly on TBS. The show centered around teenagers who had magic powers that we're part of earth. And when they would put their magic rings together, and say "earth, fire, wind, water, heart". Captain Planet would come out and get the bad guys. The theme song was kinda catchy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 26, 2003 Author Share Posted May 26, 2003 Dammit. In my school's next production of Batman (Batman 3: Silence of the Bat), I play Robin. Lets hope Joel Schumacker isn't directing your play. Nope. Beau Batterson. lo,..the great Beau Batterson?!?!?? You got the joke, right..about shumacker..how he made the Batman franchise gay? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heads22 Posted May 26, 2003 Share Posted May 26, 2003 Dammit. In my school's next production of Batman (Batman 3: Silence of the Bat), I play Robin. Lets hope Joel Schumacker isn't directing your play. Nope. Beau Batterson. lo,..the great Beau Batterson?!?!?? You got the joke, right..about shumacker..how he made the Batman franchise gay? Nope. I'm just 15 and I didn't really know anything about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 26, 2003 Author Share Posted May 26, 2003 That was a cartoon run mostly on TBS. The show centered around teenagers who had magic powers that we're part of earth. And when they would put their magic rings together, and say "earth, fire, wind, water, heart". Captain Planet would come out and get the bad guys. The theme song was kinda catchy. I think if I heard the music or see some images my memory of it would come back..i think I use to watch this.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GASHWOUND Posted May 26, 2003 Author Share Posted May 26, 2003 Dammit. In my school's next production of Batman (Batman 3: Silence of the Bat), I play Robin. Lets hope Joel Schumacker isn't directing your play. Nope. Beau Batterson. lo,..the great Beau Batterson?!?!?? You got the joke, right..about shumacker..how he made the Batman franchise gay? Nope. I'm just 15 and I didn't really know anything about it. patronized!!!! by Heads?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spiff Posted May 26, 2003 Share Posted May 26, 2003 well i got the reference about schumacher. and might i add, if he is reading this. :finger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LowerCaseRepublican Posted May 26, 2003 Share Posted May 26, 2003 Wondertwins? Gleek? WTF The WonderTwins were part of the Super Friends. It was a cartoon with like Wonder Woman, Superman, Flash, etc. etc. etc. against Lex Luthor, Manta Ray and a random assortment of slapass bad guys. Jayna can turn into any animal, while Zan can turn into any form of water...(Hmmm sort of limiting isn't it). They can also comunicate telepathically. Gleek was just the dumbass monkey that they hauled around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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