What would you do?

[mreye]

What is a man's legal obligation in terms of financial support if he decied to leave his wife?  It is not his biological child, but is he still legally obligated to support?

There's cases, not rape, but infidelity, where the judge has required the husband to pay child support.

[CanOfCorn]

By the way mmmbeer... by leaving the household, not supporting your spouse, and forcing her to raise a child alone you are adding to the possibility of that child becomming a violent person later in life. Studies show that children raised in single parent households have a much greater chance of violently offending.

 

I know it's your personal decision, and I don't judge you. But maybe with more facts you might be able to better make a decision... and possibly make the life of a child a wonderful one.

 

Again.. hopefully you never have to ponder these things.

 

But if a husband stays, and can't get over the hump of the child being born 1) because of rape and 2) not his biological child, can you honestly say that a 2-person, possibly loveless, maybe resentful relationship is better than a single parent?

 

Staying together because of the kids, biological or not, isn't always the best answer either.

 

That being said, I don't think I could handle it. But I've never been through this scenario. I have had a gf that was raped and I wanted to track the guy down and shove a hot poker up his ass...many times. And if she'd gotten pregnant, I don't know if I could've dealt with that child.

[Steff]

But if a husband stays, and can't get over the hump of the child being born 1) because of rape and 2) not his biological child, can you honestly say that a 2-person, possibly loveless, maybe resentful relationship is better than a single parent? 

 

Staying together because of the kids, biological or not, isn't always the best answer either.

 

 

 

I don't have an answer for this question. All I know is that trying is better then not trying. Quitting on someone you are supposed to love and cherish through good times and bad till death do you part is not something I would do.

 

To add.. if a man deems his relationship with his wife loveless and resentful after she's become pregnant in this manner... then he isn't much of a husband, and questionable as a man, and she'd likely be better off without him.

[NorthSideSox72]

But if a husband stays, and can't get over the hump of the child being born 1) because of rape and 2) not his biological child, can you honestly say that a 2-person, possibly loveless, maybe resentful relationship is better than a single parent? 

 

Staying together because of the kids, biological or not, isn't always the best answer either.

 

That being said, I don't think I could handle it.  But I've never been through this scenario.  I have had a gf that was raped and I wanted to track the guy down and shove a hot poker up his ass...many times.  And if she'd gotten pregnant, I don't know if I could've dealt with that child.

 

This is just me, but I can't imagine leaving my wife or abandoning her child, even if it was the result of rape. Heck, maybe even more true because of it. She would need me that much more. No way I could leave.

[sox4lifeinPA]

This is just me, but I can't imagine leaving my wife or abandoning her child, even if it was the result of rape.  Heck, maybe even more true because of it.  She would need me that much more.  No way I could leave.

 

I totally agree, but I can't imagine keeping the child. In some regards and some situations I may be a great man, in others, I may be chicken crap. I think what Stef was alluding to was 100% right. We don't know until it happens. I can say how I feel about the circumstance, but I don't know how I'll react unless it happens...God forbid it ever happen.

 

This reminds me of the death penalty thread. I think ultimately we have to admit that "true justice" can never be achieved by us. That's our mortality; our humanity. Just one more sign to me that there is something greater abounding.

[hammerhead johnson]

raped by her husband?  you lost me there.

 

Damn mmmmbeeeer, ya ignorant bastard!

 

Marital rape actually appears to be pretty widespread. This is what a "prominent" rape researcher determined:

 

"More than 1 in every 7 women who have ever been married, have been raped in marriage." -Diana Russell, Indiana University

 

Do a google search on "Marital Rape", and you'll come across all kinds of terrible s***.

[sox4lifeinPA]

Damn mmmmbeeeer, ya ignorant bastard! 

 

Marital rape actually appears to be pretty widespread.  This is what a "prominent" rape researcher determined:

Do a google search on "Marital Rape", and you'll come across all kinds of terrible s***.

 

 

to play the other side, because I'm the bastard who seems to ask these questions I guess, I wonder how many women withhold sex from their men for extended periods of time? Note: I am not comparing the two, and I definitely think marital rape is exponentially worse and do not think an appropriate response to a woman withholding sex is taking it from her.

 

I know that however this is a real issue, and I think has major repercussions that can be linked to generation issues ( I call them sins).

 

no wonder men go to other men and women to other women... I've been wrong this whole time...they're just smarter than most people

[kevin57]

The emotional scarring from rape is complicated 100x over by a child as the "reminder" of that violation.

 

Still, it seems pretty clear that all abortions also leave a scar on the mother's psyche. So, I don't see how a second scarring event heals the first one.

 

I would therefore probably give the child up to adoption. This would remove the child as a constant reminder of the event from the family while giving it to a family where he/she can be loved and cherished.

 

For all we know, that child could grow up and contribute enormously to the good of our earth.

[WilliamTell]

I think I'd want my wife to do the morning after pill or give it up for adoption. I am very anti-abortion but this is a different situation, this is rape. It would be her decision to keep the pregancy or have an abortion. I'd like to say I'd love the child just as much as any of my children but honestly who knows if that'd be the real case. I wouldn't blame the child one bit though.

[sox4lifeinPA]

The emotional scarring from rape is complicated 100x over by a child as the "reminder" of that violation.

 

Still, it seems pretty clear that all abortions also leave a scar on the mother's psyche.  So, I don't see how a second scarring event heals the first one.

 

I would therefore probably give the child up to adoption.  This would remove the child as a constant reminder of the event from the family while giving it to a family where he/she can be loved and cherished. 

 

For all we know, that child could grow up and contribute enormously to the good of our earth.

 

 

that's the conclusion I've come to. God forbid this happen to ANYONE let alone someone close to me, but it is a reality for someone out there.

 

my next question is whether or not the morning after pill is a "bad" thing. Kevin, I'd love to hear from you on that.

[mmmmmbeeer]

Well, my wife and I have adopted and I have to tell you that this isn't exactly true. We did meet the biological mother and father, but only once briefly. As far as their medical history, they filled out a form given to them by the agency. Did they tell the truth on it, who knows? There are many times we take our son to the doctor and they ask us if there is a history of certain conditions in the family. We have to say that we really don't know and tell them he was adopted. We show them all the information we got from the agency.

 

We also have no way of knowing if the guy we met is the real biological father. The couple was not married and didn't even live together. So for all we know the real biological father may have never answered any questions about medical history.

 

We didn't research or "choose" a child. We went through the long adoption process, specified if we would take a boy, or girl or either, specified what races we would accept, and if we would accept a child from a mother who took drugs, alcohol, etc. We submitted a life book that consisted of personal pictures so the mother they matched us to could decide if she liked us. When a baby became available that fit, we were introduced to the parents, or the mother if the father wasn't known. If they liked us, they chose us, if not they were introduced to another couple.

 

Every agency is different too, some don't do things like ours. Plus, ours was private and would only take clients that were referred to them. We looked into foreign adoption at another agency and with that you even have less of a choice. You basically go through the process and the country you are adopting from decides which child you will get. You can't specify sex, race, etc. Plus in these cases the child was usually abandoned and nothing is known about the parents.

So there really isn't that much difference in a child that is adopted and one that is conceived from rape. Besides the obvious that your wife has gone through a horrible ordeal, the only real difference is you know everything about the mother's history and can control the pre-natel care she gets. In our case, the biological mother had almost no pre-natel care. In both cases you may not even know who the father was since there is a chance that the rapist won't be caught.

 

Its hard for me to comment on the original question of this post since it would be impossible for my wife to have a child even if she was raped. That is why we adopted in the first place. If she could have children and this happened, I would respect whatever decision she made. If she did decide to keep the child, I would have no problem accepting him/her as my own. After adopting, that is a much easier thing to see now. Since the day we adopted my son and started going to see him in the hospital (he was born premature), I have never once felt like he wasn't mine. It doesn't matter that he isn't biologically mine, he is my son and always will be. I guess the hardest thing about a child from rape would be if he someday wanted to know his biological father. With our son we decided from day one that he will know he was adopted. We have pictures of his biological parents and gave them books to fill out personal information about themselves. If someday he wants to know more about them, he will be able to. I want him to know that his parents didn't just give him up because they didn't want him. In the case of a rape, this would be much harder.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I think that's great that you and your wife adopted, giving a kid a better shot in life. I am surprised to hear how little information you actually received concerning the parents' histories, very interesting.

 

I'm with you on loving a child that isn't biologically yours the same as you would your own. I have a 9 year old son who is not biologically mine but he is an important loved part of my household. I do not have any issues with caring less about a child because he/she is not "mine".

 

The question was what we'd each do in the tragic situation of rape. I just wouldn't feel comfortable raising that child. I'm sorry if I offended some folks like Steff, or come off as a cold-hearted dick, that's just the way I feel. Who knows, my reaction could be completely different if I was forced into that situation.

[YASNY]

What if the child grew up to be the spitting image of his father. As the boy matured, his mother would be looking at, basically, the face of the man that raped her.

[Steff]

I'm sorry if I offended some folks like Steff, or come off as a cold-hearted dick, that's just the way I feel.  Who knows, my reaction could be completely different if I was forced into that situation.

 

 

You didn't offend me at all. It's a very personal thing that was asked here, and you gave your opinion. I just offered you some additional thoughts to ponder with that opinion. I don't agree with it, but I respect it.

[sox4lifeinPA]

What if the child grew up to be the spitting image of his father.  As the boy matured, his mother would be looking at, basically, the face of the man that raped her.

 

even worse, the child shares 50% of her genes... it's an amalgamation of evil and you.

 

question to the group: What a DNC? (not democratic national comittee thank you.) and a "rape kit"?

 

those are two terms I've heard used but don't know what they mean.

[Soxy]

question to the group: What a DNC? (not democratic national comittee thank you.) and a "rape kit"?

 

A rape kit is basically collecting evidence after a rape. It's the reason a woman shouldn't shower or change clothes. It's a pretty invasive process (duh). The hospital often does them even if the woman is not immediately wantign to press charges--partly as a medical check up and partly if the woman may change her mind about pressing charges.

 

And I wouldn't say that a rapist is evil, I would say the act is evil, but the person, that's trickier.

[Steff]

question to the group: What a DNC? (not democratic national comittee thank you.) and a "rape kit"?

 

those are two terms I've heard used but don't know what they mean.

 

A rape kit is just that, a rape kit. And done to all victims of sexual assult during their hospital examination collecting tissue swabs, secretion and hair samples, and documenting physical evidence such as cuts, scrapes, tears, bruises, etc.

 

It's not DNC, it's D and C (Dilatation ("D") is a widening of the cervix to allow instruments into the uterus. Curettage ("C") is the scraping of the contents of the uterus). It's can be done for several different medical reasons.

[Rex Kickass]

The "morning after" pill prevents conception. It does not impede a conceived embryo from my understanding. It doesn't always work.

[kevin57]

my next question is whether or not the morning after pill is a "bad" thing.

 

I have to confess (hehe) that I'm not 100% up-to-date on the, what I think are, various forms of "morning after" pills.

 

If such a pill would simply prevent conception (sperm meeting ovum), then 'okay.' If it would prevent implantation (fertilized egg from uterine wall), then not so 'ok.'

[sox4lifeinPA]

I have to confess (hehe) that I'm not 100% up-to-date on the, what I think are, various forms of "morning after" pills. 

 

If such a pill would simply prevent conception (sperm meeting ovum), then 'okay.'  If it would prevent implantation (fertilized egg from uterine wall), then not so 'ok.'

 

that's the tricky part. There's no way of knowing when you catch the process. I think in cases of emergency, go ahead and use it, but if you're doing it because you're "not ready for a kid" that's a bad thing. (but actually a great thing... I don't want someone like that to HAVE a kid)

[Wong & Owens]

Here's a hypothetical offered up for discussion:

 

You're a woman, and you have just been date raped. In court, the man who raped you claims the sex was consensual and he is found not guilty. In the meantime, you find out you are pregnant(the morning-after pill didnt work for whatever reason). Let's assume that the court case is finished within 3 months of the rape. Not only does the idea of this jackass's spawn growing inside you make you sick, but you have reason to believe that if this guy found out you were pregnant, he might even try and fight you for custody. What do you do?

[Steff]

I just don't understand the asking of these things...

 

Of the 4 (5?) females here I can't imagine any one of us would be capable of giving an honest answer unless we had to put that shoe on.

 

And asking a man to put himself in that position...?

 

 

No offense to you W&O.

[Wong & Owens]

I just don't understand the asking of these things...

 

Of the 4 (5?) females here I can't imagine any one of us would be capable of giving an honest answer unless we had to put that shoe on.

 

And asking a man to put himself in that position...? 

No offense to you W&O.

 

 

None taken, and I agree that's it's nearly impossible to say without actually being in that situation. However, I still think it's interesting discussion, albeit on nasty subject matter.

[Controlled Chaos]

Here's a hypothetical offered up for discussion:

 

You're a woman, and you have just been date raped.  In court, the man who raped you claims the sex was consensual and he is found not guilty.  In the meantime, you find out you are pregnant(the morning-after pill didnt work for whatever reason).  Let's assume that the court case is finished within 3 months of the rape.  Not only does the idea of this jackass's spawn growing inside you make you sick, but you have reason to believe that if this guy found out you were pregnant, he might even try and fight you for custody.  What do you do?

 

There are other ways to get justice outside of the court. As far as the woman's situation, I can't comment.

[CanOfCorn]

I don't have an answer for this question. All I know is that trying is better then not trying. Quitting on someone you are supposed to love and cherish through good times and bad till death do you part is not something I would do.

 

To add.. if a man deems his relationship with his wife loveless and resentful after she's become pregnant in this manner... then he isn't much of a husband, and  questionable as a man, and she'd likely be better off without him.

 

We're talking about feelings and emotions here...sometimes, you just can't help the way you feel. I agree, trying is always better than not trying. But that doesn't mean you can stop feeling that way...and at some point, you are hurting everyone by forcing something that may not be there.

[Steff]

We're talking about feelings and emotions here...sometimes, you just can't help the way you feel.  I agree, trying is always better than not trying.  But that doesn't mean you can stop feeling that way...and at some point, you are hurting everyone by forcing something that may not be there.

 

 

 

Yea... which is why I posted MY FEELINGS.