Tuesday funnies..

[Steff]

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...

 

***

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the

happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "Where are you going?"

 

***

 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

 

***

 

He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said, "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and f*rt.

 

***

 

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

 

***

 

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

 

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!

Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh! immediately he turned 90! Gotta love that fairy!

 

***

 

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

 

***

 

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

 

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and

calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

 

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

 

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

 

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman

to satisfy his one need.

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

 

 

[Kyyle23]

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced

 

 

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This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

 

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

 

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

 

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

 

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

 

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

 

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

 

 

********************************

 

 

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

 

 

*********************************

 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

 

 

*********************************

 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

 

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

 

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

 

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

 

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

 

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

 

*********************************

 

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

 

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

 

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer.

 

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

 

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

[Steff]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to two hundred in 2 seconds flat."

 

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements are being made for the husband.

[Steff]

The Bathtub Test

 

 

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[juddling]

I posted this over the weekend but didn't get much reaction. here it is again.....

 

 

A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, Texas, where a woman may go to choose a husband from many men. Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.

 

There are only six floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

 

So, Jane decides to go to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find herself a husband.

 

On the first three floors the signs on the doors read:

 

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

 

Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,446,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely to prove that women are impossible to satisfy. Good luck out there, have a nice day. Exit stairs are to the left

 

[The Critic]

I see someone got her weekly N.O.W. newsletter......

[Texsox]

Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love the Chicago Cubs. Could you please play this video of their highlights?"

 

"Certainly," replied the warden.

 

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

 

"Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first."

[Kyyle23]

Why do women like circumcised men? Because they can't resist 10% off

 

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An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

 

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

 

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

 

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

 

***************************

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."