Controlled Chaos Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 My wife left me... And I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "That's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back. __________________________________________________________ 5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005 >> >> Smart Ass Answer #5: >> >> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. >> As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her. >> >> Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." >> >> ***************** >> Smart Ass Answer #4: >> >> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" >> The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." >> >> ******************* >> Smart Ass Answer #3: >> >> The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. >> >> The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. >> >> ******************* >> >> Smart Ass Answer #2: >> >> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. >> >> Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." >> >> ******************* >> >> #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005....................... >> >> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not >> being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" >> >> A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" >> >> The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Prawn Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 >> Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Makes me laugh everytime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mreye Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 QUOTE(Queen Prawn @ Feb 24, 2006 -> 12:15 PM) Makes me laugh everytime. Me too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mplssoxfan Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 My addition to the thread... A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting, and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldmember Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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