Opinion please?

[White Sox Fan For Life]

Hello for anyone on soxtalk! I need your favor! I don't know if you guys remember when I posted a thread last week a thread called curses! I needed that for my research to use toward my thesis statement. Well our teacher assigned us our first rough draft to be due which was required to be a length of five pages. I have so much information that I want to put in my paper which the final paper has to be ten pages long. Well I need your opinions on what you think of my paper. I would truly appreciate this! I don't care what you say as long as they are honest opinions.

[Pants Rowland]

Hello for anyone on soxtalk! I need your favor! I don't know if you guys remember when I posted a thread last week a thread called curses! I needed that for my research to use toward my thesis statement. Well our teacher assigned us our first rough draft to be due which was required to be a length of five pages. I have so much information that I want to put in my paper which the final paper has to be ten pages long. Well I need your opinions on what you think of my paper. I would truly appreciate this! I don't care what you say as long as they are honest opinions.

 

I want to help you but this is just too long for me to scour while at work. I read a couple pages and have a couple overall suggestions.

 

1. Avoid redundancy. You frequently restate facts and names and other items from one sentence to the next. Shakespeare said it best in Hamlet..."brevity is the sole of wit"

 

2. Read your paper back to yourself out loud. If the sentence is awkward to read out loud, it will be awkward to the reader and confuse them, even though you know what you are trying to say when you look at it silently.

 

3. Avoid contractions (don't, we're, etc) and the first and second person (I, my you, your, etc.).

 

4. The Red Sox did not "shed" first blood in game 6, they "drew" first blood. Better yet, they struck first. Also, if I am not mistaken, the game was played at Shea Stadium in New York (You made reference to the 1986 Boston World Series Game, or something to that effect. Just call it Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. Alternatively, if you have already established the fact that it is the 1986 World Series, then just call it Game 6).

 

5. Organize your thoughts clearly and concisely in 5 pages for now. Your teacher is going to ask you to elaborate on some of the more compelling points and you will be able to meet the 10 page requirement.

 

That is all I have for now. Good luck. Where do you attend classes again?

[SoxFan1]

1.) Don't fluctuate between past and present tense.

 

2.) Don't overuse the verb "to be." (is, am was, were, etc.)

[White Sox Fan For Life]

I want to help you but this is just too long for me to scour while at work. I read a couple pages and have a couple overall suggestions.

 

1. Avoid redundancy. You frequently restate facts and names and other items from one sentence to the next. Shakespeare said it best in Hamlet..."brevity is the sole of wit"

 

2. Read your paper back to yourself out loud. If the sentence is awkward to read out loud, it will be awkward to the reader and confuse them, even though you know what you are trying to say when you look at it silently.

 

3. Avoid contractions (don't, we're, etc) and the first and second person (I, my you, your, etc.).

 

4. The Red Sox did not "shed" first blood in game 6, they "drew" first blood. Better yet, they struck first. Also, if I am not mistaken, the game was played at Shea Stadium in New York (You made reference to the 1986 Boston World Series Game, or something to that effect. Just call it Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. Alternatively, if you have already established the fact that it is the 1986 World Series, then just call it Game 6).

 

5. Organize your thoughts clearly and concisely in 5 pages for now. Your teacher is going to ask you to elaborate on some of the more compelling points and you will be able to meet the 10 page requirement.

 

That is all I have for now. Good luck. Where do you attend classes again?

 

 

Thank you for all your tips again I really appreciate it. I do have more information to put in the paper but I was freaking out because I really don't know how to word it sometimes. When you ask me where do I attend classes is that something you are making fun of me for because my grammar is bad? No offense I am just very aggravated because I have a paper to write about on how to put a silencer on a gun for my policing class too.

[Controlled Chaos]

Thank you for all your tips again I really appreciate it. I do have more information to put in the paper but I was freaking out because I really don't know how to word it sometimes. When you ask me where do I attend classes is that something you are making fun of me for because my grammar is bad? No offense I am just very aggravated because I have a paper to write about on how to put a silencer on a gun for my policing class too.

 

With all the direction and tutelage Beltin' has given you, I hardly think he's making fun of anything.

[jackie hayes]

With all the direction and tutelage Beltin' has given you, I hardly think he's making fun of anything.

But he may be stalking you. That's his actual pic in the avy, so watch out for that guy.

 

Fwiw, I decided I do believe in curses. After all, you're posting again.

[BobDylan]

Being in the writing field, I think you need to strenghten your thesis. You say curses don't exist, which I agree with...but I think you need to back that with what the fans and media had to say. Talk about how the Curse of the Bambino was used as a springboard for Boston to strive that extra mile. Talk about how the Curse of the Billy Goat further adds to the Cubs desperation. Back that desperation with quotations. Counter the curses with the White Sox, how our fans never believed in the curse and pointed fingers where they should've been pointed: management, players, etc. You have a lot of good material in there, I just think since the curses are fan and media created, you don't do your duty in the paper by leaving them out.

Edited April 20, 2006 by BobDylan

[NorthSideSox72]

No offense I am just very aggravated because I have a paper to write about on how to put a silencer on a gun for my policing class too.

Policing class?

[Pants Rowland]

Thank you for all your tips again I really appreciate it. I do have more information to put in the paper but I was freaking out because I really don't know how to word it sometimes. When you ask me where do I attend classes is that something you are making fun of me for because my grammar is bad? No offense I am just very aggravated because I have a paper to write about on how to put a silencer on a gun for my policing class too.

 

Not making fun of you at all. Just curious.

 

I like the notion that I am stalking you, though. That would be a nice subtle question to help me continue my complete profile of you before I start camping out at all the places you frequent on a daily basis.

 

By the way, no need to freak out over this stuff. You picked a fun topic so have fun with it.

[White Sox Fan For Life]

Being in the writing field, I think you need to strenghten your thesis. You say curses don't exist, which I agree with...but I think you need to back that with what the fans and media had to say. Talk about how the Curse of the Bambino was used as a springboard for Boston to strive that extra mile. Talk about how the Curse of the Billy Goat further adds to the Cubs desperation. Back that desperation with quotations. Counter the curses with the White Sox, how our fans never believed in the curse and pointed fingers where they should've been pointed: management, players, etc. You have a lot of good material in there, I just think since the curses are fan and media created, you don't do your duty in the paper by leaving them out.

 

 

Believe me I have quotations from sports journalist who think that curses are just another kind of hype for Boston and the Scrubs. But I will post my ten page thesis statement by next time but thank you again for some support.

[White Sox Fan For Life]

Not making fun of you at all. Just curious.

 

I like the notion that I am stalking you, though. That would be a nice subtle question to help me continue my complete profile of you before I start camping out at all the places you frequent on a daily basis.

 

By the way, no need to freak out over this stuff. You picked a fun topic so have fun with it.

 

 

That is okay if you are stalking me. So what information have you gotten on me so far.

[White Sox Fan For Life]

Policing class?

 

Yeah I am in college and my classes are College Writing II, Policing, Criminal Law, and American Government.

[WCSox]

Policing class?

 

Westwood College certainly has some interesting courses.

 

Your paper is in need of some serious revision. The first sentence ("Many people either believe or don’t believe in a curse.") is useless because it's completely obvious. There are also many instances in this paper in which you sound like you're speaking to somebody on the phone. It is imperative that you use proper grammar and complete sentences.

 

Outside of the grammar, you don't really present a compelling argument. What does "no evidence of the supernatural" in the scorecards of the '86 World Series have to with anything? Present your argument at the end of your introductory paragraph, make sure that the following paragraphs support evidence for your argument, and summarize your paper in the last paragraph.

[jackie hayes]

Not making fun of you at all. Just curious.

 

I like the notion that I am stalking you, though. That would be a nice subtle question to help me continue my complete profile of you before I start camping out at all the places you frequent on a daily basis.

 

By the way, no need to freak out over this stuff. You picked a fun topic so have fun with it.

Be careful, man. All that stuff about guns? Take the hint.

[Pants Rowland]

That is okay if you are stalking me. So what information have you gotten on me so far.

 

Based on your signature...

 

1. You have been a white sox fan your whole life.

 

2. You also love disco.

[Texsox]

Members helping Members, it's a beautiful thing.

Now if y'all don't mind, this will be moved to SL&M, where it belonged. The thread was cursed form the beginning and via a supernatural occurance, it is flying through cyberspace and landing a couple departments over.

[White Sox Fan For Life]

Westwood College certainly has some interesting courses.

 

Your paper is in need of some serious revision.  The first sentence ("Many people either believe or don’t believe in a curse.") is useless because it's completely obvious.  There are also many instances in this paper in which you sound like you're speaking to somebody on the phone.  It is imperative that you use proper grammar and complete sentences.

 

Outside of the grammar, you don't really present a compelling argument.  What does "no evidence of the supernatural" in the scorecards of the '86 World Series have to with anything?  Present your argument at the end of your introductory paragraph, make sure that the following paragraphs support evidence for your argument, and summarize your paper in the last paragraph.

 

Well I thought that since I quoted a definition of a curse from answers.com which mentions something about the supernatural. I thought I would mention that if the curse did have something to do with game 6 then there would be some kind of evidence that something out of the ordinary had to happened.

[White Sox Fan For Life]

Based on your signature...

 

1. You have been a white sox fan your whole life.

 

2. You also love disco.

 

No I don't like disco I just like the way it looked like but I love to listen to some heavy metal, rock, alternative music, things that fall under that catergory.

[Kyyle23]

Well I thought that since I quoted a definition of a curse from answers.com which mentions something about the supernatural. I thought I would mention that if the curse did have something to do with game 6 then there would be some kind of evidence that something out of the ordinary had to happened.

 

evidence? Do you think a witch flew out of the sky, cackled, waved her arms and said "You are cursed!"? There is no evidence of curses in anything but results. People feel the need to explain the lack of a championship in Boston and Chicago, and they cannot find any real reason why these teams sucked for so long, so they attributed it to a curse.

[White Sox Fan For Life]

evidence?  Do you think a witch flew out of the sky, cackled, waved her arms and said "You are cursed!"?  There is no evidence of curses in anything but results.  People feel the need to explain the lack of a championship in Boston and Chicago, and they cannot find any real reason why these teams sucked for so long, so they attributed it to a curse.

 

I never said I do believe in a curse, and I totally agree with you that this is a reason why the media and the teams just go along with it. First, the media to create some kind of suspense to grab people's attention. Second, the team just use that excuse to be a scapegoat for their own failure/mistakes.

[Kyyle23]

I never said I do believe in a curse, and I totally agree with you that this is a reason why the media and the teams just go along with it. First, the media to create some kind of suspense to grab people's attention. Second, the team just use that excuse to be a scapegoat for their own failure/mistakes.

 

Yeah, you have reiterated that many times. But that doesnt change the fact that your arguments are based on random things, such as lack of evidence in the scorecard and Bill Buckner moving to Idaho.

[White Sox Fan For Life]

Yeah, you have reiterated that many times.  But that doesnt change the fact that your arguments are based on random things, such as lack of evidence in the scorecard and Bill Buckner moving to Idaho.

 

 

We are going to get into another long debate like my last thread were we don't really understand one another. So I will be the bigger one and not get into this arguement all over again but I will ask you in your opinion: if you were writing this exact thesis statement paper what would be your 3 main points on how to support curses don't exist in baseball?

[Texsox]

One of the potential joys of asking for help is learning that some people will have a differing opinion. Usually it is offered not to offend or to hurt, but it is sometimes fun to look and understand and possibly even use it.

But I was always cursed and it never worked out

[White Sox Fan For Life]

One of the potential joys of asking for help is learning that some people will have a differing opinion. Usually it is offered not to offend or to hurt, but it is sometimes fun to look and understand and possibly even use it.

But I was always cursed and it never worked out

 

I am not hurt by what the repliers are saying back to me, I even stated in the beginning of the thread to just be honest. Apparently, it seems that I suck as a writer and that I need help on my work. Also since this is only the first draft that I have to hand in to my professor by Wednesday, will show that I need to work on a lot more research.

[WCSox]

We are going to get into another long debate like my last thread were we don't really understand one another. So I will be the bigger one and not get into this arguement all over again but I will ask you in your opinion: if you were writing this exact thesis statement paper what would be your 3 main points on how to support curses don't exist in baseball?

 

1. The Red Sox won the 2004 WS

2. The Cubs front office being historically incapable of building teams that could be compeititve for several years (no back-to-back winning seasons from 1972-2004)

3. Curses are nothing but excuses for lack of execution (Buckner, Prior/Gonzalez)

 

Cut out the "lack of supernatural occurance" crap and don't dwell on Buckner's move to Idaho. The former is garbage and the latter has nothing to do with your argument.

Edited April 21, 2006 by WCSox