A Modest Proposal

[Gregory Pratt]

This was a letter that I wrote to President Bush this morning, and that I posted on my blog as well. (I post daily, fyi -- it isn't somethign that I just pick up every few weeks and then half-ass a post.) Skip the non-quoted portions of this if you don't care what the background information is.

 

Well, to quickly explain a few things. When I was dating my ex-girlfriend, a girl I was thoroughly fond of, we would talk for hours of history and government and politics and all the silly things that policy dorks and public affairs lovers like to talk about. Sarcastically, I would tell her that we should invade Peru, "nobody expects Peru!" and then we would crack jokes about a movie with a President who plans to invade Peru, and an ambassador telling him someday, "Hold off on invading Peru!" which was humorous to us.

 

It's hard to explain, but that's the basic gist of it.

 

Well, okay, that's not, and I guess I'm just being a bit meek and shy about it. I love politics, and politics are my ambition. The basic gist of it was that I would kid her about Iraq and tell her that because I'm such a warmonger (she was very Liberal, and I called her my "Squishy Leftist" as a contrast to "Hard Right-Winger" and as a contrast to my own, harder brand of Liberalism, though I label myself a "Centrist Democrat") I'm going to run for President and invade Peru, and then we'd joke about it. I also told her that we should declare War on Wisconsin someday, as a State. It's silly, but that's one of the many things we loved about each other.

 

And so that's why, in the recent thread about Bush's poll numbers, in response to someone saying we may very well be at war with Libya, North Korea and Iran, I was so readily able to kid about how Peru should be our next target, and why. And that got me thinking, and I recently started reading the works of Jonathan Swift, so I wrote this: "A Modest Proposal"

 

Letter to the President, June 24th, 2006.

 

It is of utmost importance that in this post-9/11 world we begin to plan for future wars, wars that are possible and probable along with wars impossible and improbable, for impossible is a term better suited for the logical than the senseless. As war is not always a subject of a deliberate nature, we must strive to make even the unlikeliest of conflicts possible, and from there it must be our task to turn these paths palatable to the public, as enemies lurk in every region of the world and the only manner to protect ourselves is to strike first, as has so often been articulated. To be able to effectively do this on the global stage, we must prepare for all eventualities, and for the sake of readying ourselves, we must assume everything an eventuality. The acquisition of weapons of mass destruction is inevitable by the Iranians, as it was for the North Koreans, and I’m pleased to see that the White House believed this so, for it certainly would have been a waste to engage these rogue states when they were in the budding stages of weaponry. It is better to launch a campaign aimed at depicting a nation as the enemy than it is to waste valuable time with such farce as diplomacy. I must applaud your actions, Mr. President, for you’ve done much to ensure that on the global chess board the American nation will find itself surrounded by enemies in future years. It is better to prepare for war than doddle in dialogue.

 

The guiding goal of foreign policy is to turn what might appear a farce to the unknowing — to those without access to classified information (of which there should be plenty, given that the public is generally incapable of grasping the deepest of information available to us, anyway) — into a master plan taking into account the need for newer, bloodier war, a need that exists in every sphere of our world. How better to maintain influence than to defeat an enemy, how better to unite a public than in war? That is where your brilliance lies, for while some cynics may reference you as a “divider” you are the ultimate uniter. You have brought the American public together in the way that only a tragedy can, and it will likely be this way for years to come as war engulfs us on foreign shores. In future years, because of your actions, we shall come together as a public to defeat our opponents on the global stage. If that praise sounds dramatic, it shouldn’t, Mr. President, for history is the greatest passion play, and it is a business that you make a killing in.

 

War as a tool in public policy has long been used by others, and in that respect you are no innovator, but your sheer nobility distinguishes you from all those who have come before. While such men as Andrew Jackson have used the power of patriotism to destroy an entire culture, and Franklin Roosevelt attempted to mold the American state into a socialist empire, you have done nothing but embolden our law enforcement agencies to protect us. More than that, however, you took action — bold, brilliant action — to prepare the public for future wars, and indeed you have not just prepared them for the concept but introduced them to our enemies, as well. Your foresight will be judged by historians in hindsight as the mark of an intuitive man with a subtle grasp on the globe, for you not only managed to show the public that Iraq, which has already been disposed of, for all intents and purposes, is on the wrong side of history, Iran and North Korea are as well, and happen to be worthy of future conquest. Not only that, but you have set the table so as to make it possible that, someday, we will engage them in War. Well played, sir, but I’ve a recommendation with an importance running behind none.

 

It is my recommendation that we add a new nation to the “countries we could be at war with” list, to the “countries we should be at war with” list, and that you take immediate action to prepare the American public and provoke the power of Peru. Peru is a country that we absolutely should be at War with, and I take the position that their growing status in the world poses a problem for the future of Democracy. I don’t believe that many people have talked it up yet, and that is because there is a fundamental logical gap to be found in the minds of bureaucrats everywhere. You, surely, have experienced their blunders firsthand, what with the poor advice given you repeatedly by the paper-pushing eggheads at the Department of State and the overly conservative hacks at the Central Intelligence Agency, but I commend you for taking the advice of young Wolfowitz and his peers instead. Listening to those was an act that few would have taken, and that not enough give you credit for having done.

 

Being a foreign policy visionary, I believe you will appreciate what I am arguing about Peru, but we must be unequivocal and righteous: we’ve got to invade Peru. It is paramount to American survival, to the pursuit of life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We are in pursuit of a pursuit, and happiness is like safety is like democracy: you’ve got to want it real bad, because it won’t come without a fight, and the place to have that fight is undoubtedly on the shores of Peru. Now think about this as I dust off the spider webs and “common sense” and “conventional wisdom” — Osama bin Laden has evaded capture, as we unfortunately know. We didn’t find Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, although we know that that is far more complex than it seems on the surface, and damn those who have had the gall to insinuate dishonesty on our part. If they saw what we see, they’d have a different understanding of the world, but it’s best not to harp on the harbingers of misfortune. The harbingers of misfortune are to today’s day and age what the nattering naybobs of negativity were to Spiro Agnew, a man destined for the Presidency who was driven from his waiting perch by those who would tempt fate. His life and time is a lesson of itself, however: those who allow others to tempt fate are broken by inaction. The natural conclusion of that lesson is to always tempt fate, and that we must do. In Peru!

 

The WMD and Osama bin Laden connection might seem like a stretch, and it becomes a bit moreso if you take it into Peru, but that’s a connection that absolutely exists and that we need to emphasize in the coming two and a half years of your President. Those WMD in Iraq didn’t just get up and leave by themselves. Not even we have WMD which are capable of transmitting themselves, or at least I don’t believe we do. I will admit, my own genius is a tad tempered by my own occasional shortcomings. I never would have imagined, living my life before you, that someday the White House would be occupied with such a cool, calm, inspiring grace as you’ve displayed during your term. I’ve never longed to help a man mold history more than I do with you, Mr. President, and so I present my own analysis of al-Qaeda’s fugitive leader and the Weapons of Mass Destruction that love him: they eloped in the general direction of Machu Picchu: it was bin Laden who took them! I’m not sure exactly how, but my reasoning suggests that he hid them in his beard — oh, a joke, Mr. President! Surely we all enjoy the humor that is found in the occasional crack about facial hair, much like we all enjoy a good dosage of bravado.

 

Osama’s calculation was that the United States would look foolish because of the whole debacle, and he knew that only in Machu Picchu Peru could he be safe. He figured that, hey, nobody pays attention to that part of the World as it is, and there he went. Unfortunately for him, I have discovered his secret, and I urge you to take that course and stay it. You have been brilliant in setting up future war, but the time is now to begin a new one. While some of the more foolish among us call for war in Iran (or fear it), we should take them by surprise. The Peruvians, too, for those who are not with us are against us, and being against us is no good. There’s WMD in Peru, and bin Laden too! Machu Picchu Delenda Est! Whatever we do, we must never hold off on the invasion of Peru!

 

You must mull it over, Mr. President, and when you do, tell Karl he’s got himself a war cry, and we’ve got ourselves the key to all of the world’s problems, and an end to War as we know it, as well as a beginning to War as we don’t.