Phuck the Cubs Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Dateline: October 2030 It's hard to believe that it's now been ten years since the magical-turned-tragic 2020 season, when the Cubs almost made it to their first World Series since 1945 and would have probably won their first World Championship since 1908. Following the end of the 2030 season, by far the worst in Cubs history and almost the worst in baseball history (only an inexplicable 7-0 final week allowed the Cubs to finish 43-119, just missing the 1962 Mets' futility record of 120 losses), it seems like a good time to reflect on better days and reminisce about the team no Cub fan will ever forget. To set the stage, the 2019 Cubs were well on their way to winning the NL Central title, with a 70-42 record and leading the division by 10 games in early August. Unfortunately, in a collapse of epic (even by Cub standards) proportions, the team staggered to a 10-40 finish, ending up at 80-82 to continue a string of consecutive losing seasons that began in 2005. President Jim Hendry (who became team President following the appointment of his predecessor, Andy MacPhail, to replace Bud Selig as Commissioner) finally came to the conclusion that changes must be made and fired General Manager Dusty Baker Manager Larry Rothschild, Pitching Coach Dick Pole, Bench Coach Sonny Jackson, and co-Hitting Coaches Gene Clines and Gary Matthews. Before Hendry had a chance to name a new GM, a bombshell was dropped. After more than a decade of rumors and denials, Mark Cuban purchased the Cubs from the Tribune Corporation, then celebrated by legally changing his last name to Cubfan. Making it clear that he would not tolerate business as usual, he immediately fired Hendry. Taking a page from Philip Wrigley in the 1950s but going one better, Cubfan hired a veteran sports reporter to the dual role of President and GM. In his first move in the dual role, Bruce Miles hired Neifi Perez as Manager. Perez in turn hired Glendon Rusch as Pitching Coach, Ryan Harvey as Hitting Coach, and Henry Blanco as Bench Coach. Perez did retain first base coach Gary Matthews Jr. and third base coach Darren Baker, saying that you can't really evaluate the performance of base coaches when they don't have base runners to coach. As happens so often in baseball, the new staff's success at managing and coaching far surpassed their playing careers. Cubfan gave Miles the biggest budget in Cubs history (even after adjusting for inflation). However, most free agents chose to take a wait-and-see approach, wanting to see what the new regime would bring before making a commitment. The one high profile signing was Carlos Zambrano who, like Greg Maddux a decade and a half earlier, returned from the Atlanta Braves at the end of his Hall of Fame career. Having won 18 or more games every year from 2006 to 2019, including 10 years of 20 or more wins (three of those years over 25) and eight Cy Young Awards, Zambrano had enough of the Braves, who are in a streak of consecutive last-place finishes dating all the way back to 2006. Zambrano's impact was expected to be mainly sentimental, as the Cubs already had a great pitching staff (every starter had a career ERA of under 3.50 despite having losing records due to the lack of offense). The biggest change in Spring Training was Harvey's preaching a "Do as I say, not as I do" philosophy of patience, working the count, and embracing bases on balls. Harvey kept stressing to his hitters the value of learning lessons from his own playing career, emphasizing that his own lack of patience was the main reason he never advanced past class AA. The results were staggering. The veteran core offense of Matt Murton, Ronny Cedeno, Felix Pie, Brian Dopirak, Eric Patterson, Freddie Bynum, and Angel Pagan all had career years. As a result the Cubs, despite finishing in the middle of the National League pack in batting average, set major league records for runs scored and On-Base Percentage that stand to this very day. Pitching-wise, Zambrano failed to live up to expectations, missing half the season with injuries, the first time in his entire career since his rookie season in 2002 that he spent time on the disabled list. However, with new-found offensive support, the other starters exploded. Angel Guzman, Sean Marshall, and Rich Hill all won over 20 games. Sean Gallagher and Don Veal filled in ably as swingmen during Zambrano's absence. But the real surprise was Mark Prior. After announcing in the off-season that he would retire following the 2020 season, Prior went out in style, completely avoiding the DL for the first time in his career and finally living up to the promise he showed in 2003. Prior's 28-3 record and 1.85 ERA won him unanimous selection for both the Cy Young Award and Most Valuable Player. Ageless wonder Kerry Wood (who, along with Prior, announced that he would retire after the year) continued the dominance that, since being converted to closer following the 2006 season, allowed him to surpass Dennis Eckersley as the standard of comparison that all starters-turned-closers will be measured against. Once seen as injury-prone, Wood had not spent a single day on the DL since his conversion to closer. All of this offensive and pitching excellence resulted in a season that rewrote the history books. After the best regular season record in major league history (130-32), the Cubs swept the Wild Card Pittsburgh Pirates, in their first year in the NL East after a realignment resulting from the Florida Marlins' move to Las Vegas, 3-0 in the NL Division Series. The Cubs then took a 3-0 lead against the Las Vegas Gamblers (formerly the Florida Marlins) in the NL Championship Series. Leading Game 4 15-2 with two out in the bottom of the 9th, all was well in Cubdom after so, so many years of suffering. Then, disaster struck. Lightning (in the person of Steve Bartman) struck twice. Bartman, now living in Las Vegas and a Gamblers fan, took his pet parakeet with him to Game 4 (this resulting from a unique bring-your-bird-with-you promotion started by owner Donald Trump). As Patterson was about to catch an easy popup for the pennant-winning out, Bartman's bird cage door accidently (or so he claims) flew open. The parakeet flew out and got in Patterson's eyes, causing him to drop the ball. Reverting to the immaturity of his younger days, Zambrano (who had recovered from his injuries and pitched superbly down the stretch) came completely unglued. By the time the damage was done, the Gamblers came back and won 16-15 in 14 innings. With new-found life, the Gamblers then won three more games in a row to shock the baseball world with a 7-game series win. They then swept the Portland Rays (formerly the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, their partners in exodus from Florida) to win the World Series everybody had conceded to the Cubs. Sadly, much like the last playoff appearance in 2003, the Cubs were unable to build on a promising year. Many of the veteran players started showing their age the following year, and the Cubs have not had a winning season since to this very day. However, as Miles (who several years ago came to the conclusion that being adored by Cub fans as a writer is much less stressful than being villified as the chief of a hard-luck franchise and returned to sportswriting) stated in a recent column, part of the beauty of baseball is that a playoff team can appear out of nowhere at the least expected time. The end of the Cubs' 122-year World Championship drought has to be right around the corner. Just wait 'til next year! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene Honda Civic Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 DUDE.STOP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buehrle>Wood Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phuck the Cubs Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 DUDE.STOP. HEY! I was just reading nsbb.com and I found it. I haven't gone off on the Cubs for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Felix Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 QUOTE(Cuck the Fubs @ Jul 2, 2006 -> 10:57 PM) I was just reading nsbb.com No more is needed. Only one word describes this: cubsessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phuck the Cubs Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 No more is needed. Only one word describes this: cubsessed. SHUT UP!! I haven't gone off on the Cubs for a while, okay! As if I'm the only one on this board who reads NSBB?? :rolly :rolly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knightni Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I don't read it. Anyone else care to add their thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phuck the Cubs Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 I don't read it. Anyone else care to add their thoughts? Well I know others do, b/c they've mentioned it before, and I found out about the site on this board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danman31 Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 This was funny and I read nsbb every once in a blue moon. Quit ridiculing the guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buehrle>Wood Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 QUOTE(knightni @ Jul 3, 2006 -> 05:06 AM) I don't read it. Anyone else care to add their thoughts? Yeah, behind all of his Cubsession, he just posted a hilariously(and beautifully written) article by a Cubs fan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NUKE_CLEVELAND Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 QUOTE(danman31 @ Jul 3, 2006 -> 12:20 AM) This was funny and I read nsbb every once in a blue moon. Quit ridiculing the guy. Every time the Scrubs blow a lead late and lose I check out their game thread for a few chuckles so I guess I read it quite frequently these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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