Controlled Chaos Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Ozzie Guillen Fined $10,000 For What He Just Thought August 10, 2006 | Onion Sports CHICAGO—MLB disciplinary officials announced that Ozzie Guillen would be fined $10,000 and ordered to undergo sensitivity psychoanalysis for the "irresponsible, offensive, and completely unacceptable" thoughts that passed through the White Sox manager's mind during Wednesday night's game. Enlarge Image "During the fourth inning of yesterday's White Sox-Yankees contest, Mr. Guillen's mind conjured a series of insensitive, wildly inappropriate—I would even go so far as to say depraved—thoughts and images," said Bob Watson, MLB vice president of on-field discipline. "Baseball is a social institution with a responsibility to espouse proper values, and there is absolutely no excuse for anyone to entertain thoughts which portray people in a negative or demeaning light, regardless of their race, color, creed, culture, sexual orientation, gender, weight, or personal beliefs." "Major League Baseball would like to offer its most profound, heartfelt apologies to those portrayed inappropriately in Mr. Guillen's mind, including African-Americans, Cuban-Americans, Caucasian-Americans, Dominican-Americans, 'immigrants,' the sportswriting community, the gay community, the White Sox fan community, the communities of Schaumburg, IL and New York City, the umpiring crew, Yankee right-fielder Bobby Abreu and his female relatives, members of the Peace Corps, and women—particularly the female fan seated in Section 32, Row B, Seat 7," Watson added. Watson's report alleges that Guillen carelessly composed his thoughts without considering the fact that millions of fans would know exactly what he was thinking in the event that television cameras inevitably cut to a shot of his sour expression. And according to commissioner Bud Selig, the idea of remorse never crossed Guillen's mind. "Ozzie's thoughts were in poor taste, and the sheer volume and scope of them—all of which occurred over a 17-second span of time—seem to indicate that they were premeditated," Selig said. "I also must strongly emphasize that our organization neither shares nor condones Mr. Guillen's views on statutory rape, regardless of whether or not they are ever vocalized." Guillen's thoughts upon learning of his punishment earned him an additional $5,000 fine and a three-game suspension. "I'm not going to change the way I think," Guillen said during an apology late Wednesday. "Anyone who knows me will tell you I can't control my thoughts." "I acknowledge that the things that entered my mind today might have offended certain groups of people, but you have to realize I didn't mean anything by it," Guillen continued. "After all, my mother is dead, too, and I would never want anyone digging up her corpse and paying drunken, uh, Arabs to do those things to her. And as for people of Middle Eastern origin, I was only imagining those terms being used to refer to just one specific 'filthy raghead,' not a whole region of them." "Also, I would never, ever do that kind of thing to a person in real life, even if I had a worn-down radial-saw blade and 100 milligrams of hydrogen cyanide at my disposal," Guillen added. A recent poll indicates that 97 percent of baseball fans were offended by Guillen's thoughts, with an astounding 12 percent of those polled actually having been personally attacked, insulted, or killed within Guillen's inner tirade. "Ozzie needs to remember that people have families… My 9-year-old daughter was watching at home, and even though she isn't old enough to understand what a 'tire-iron abortion' is, I'm sure she understood that what he was thinking was not nice," said Chicago resident and White Sox fan Brian McVeigh. "And this isn't the last time he'll be on TV. What will I have to explain to my daughter next time she sees Ozzie thinking? Bestiality? Knife rape? Auschwitz?" Guillen, however, claims that if he truly meant what he thought, he would have just come out and said it. "Am I going to have to explain everything I think from now on?" Guillen asked reporters. "Do I really need to tell you people that I don't actually want fuel truck after fuel truck to plow into an orphanage? That I don't really want to feed baby rats to [White Sox pitcher] Jon Garland so they chew their way through his intestinal system and expel themselves out his rectum in unison? That I actually love and respect my wife? Can't you people figure this out on your own? I'm not that bad a guy." "f***ing f***** assholes," Guillen added. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigSqwert Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 LMAO I love this line: ...and even though she isn't old enough to understand what a 'tire-iron abortion' is, I'm sure she understood that what he was thinking was not nice," said Chicago resident and White Sox fan Brian McVeigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TitoMB345 Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Ahahahaha, classic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kapkomet Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Wow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Prawn Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 LMAO! Wanna know something pathetic? I missed the "onion sports" at the top and thought it was real hahahaha. Is it 5 o'clock yet?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stretchstretch Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 QUOTE(Queen Prawn @ Aug 11, 2006 -> 09:28 AM) LMAO! Wanna know something pathetic? I missed the "onion sports" at the top and thought it was real hahahaha. Is it 5 o'clock yet?! This is the third Sox article they've done since the WS http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42131 http://www.theonion.com/content/node/46905 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmteam Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 That was classic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UC76 Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 The Onion never disappoints. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve9347 Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 it's pretty accurate... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soxbadger Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Well the Onion is of course good because its from Madison. And yes they do a lot of Chicago articles, because as they know Chicago is the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkokieSox Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Did this really happen? Lol... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Felix Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 QUOTE(SEALgep @ Aug 11, 2006 -> 06:44 PM) Did this really happen? Lol... Yep, the MLB has ESP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenksd Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 I refrained from posting this thinking it already had been or that I'd get banned for the language in it, glad someone did though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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