What do i do?

[Sonik22]

I feel like such an loser posting my problems on ST but i feel like it might help me to just get this out of my head and ask you guys.

 

Alright so me and this girl met in December of last year as seniors in high school and quickly became best friends, but i always kinda liked her and she knew this but we eventually got over all that. Things basically stayed the same until towards the end of the summer me and her kinda experimented a little. This all happened the week i left for college. And while things didn't change between us I felt that we should date. Now we both go to different schools, and she doesn't feel she's ready to date because she wants to see if i'm the right guy for her by meeting other guys in college. I love this girl and she loves me back but she's just got these walls up that are keeping her from dating me. I know there are plenty of girls out there, but she makes me so happy, and i just don't know what to do. I want to wait for her, but i'm afraid my heart will be broken in the process. I don't even know what the best option for me is, which is why I'm asking all of you.

[Brian]

Your a freshmen in college...at SIU. Do the same thing she is doing but with girls. You're young.

[3E8]

Do a barrel roll

[Flash Tizzle]

I really hope you only take our advice to supplement your own. What I've learned from "advice" is the best anyone can provide is your own. No one here aside from you knows this girl, or your situation, in its entirety. Even though you described what has happened in general terms, there were still 9 months of history that you neglected to post. How often did you talk/hang out/etc? Do you share mutual friends? Have you met her parents? Have you told her you loved her, or are just assuming so? There are literally hundreds of small questions which may combine to influence my advice and ultimately effect your relationship.

 

I just mention this because several years ago I was attempting to date this one girl and sought the advice of a dating forum. After posting my story, I was offered advice on "playing hard to get," "avoiding her (no contact)," etc. All these actions are intriguing, but when applied to the girl I sought, completely backfired. She ultimately thought I wasn't interested with all the games I played. I learned my lesson, and have better off ever since.

 

I love coming across advice columns in Maxim, or other magazines such as Men's Health; where men are seeking the advice of supposed professionals on relationships that are complex, yet, manage to fit within two paragraphs. I'm sure it applies to women even more, especially since Cosmopolitan is considered must read material. No wonder people are miserable, haha.

Edited September 8, 2008 by Flash Tizzle

[Nokona]

She'll cheat.

[SleepyWhiteSox]

she wants to see if i'm the right guy for her by meeting other guys in college.

 

Sounds like her feelings for you aren't nearly as strong as yours are for her. I would let her go and be very open to meeting all the new people you're going to meet in college rather than holding back and sulking because you have someone else in mind who probably isn't waiting for you. That first year especially is when everyone is much more open to meeting a lot of new people and all sorts of relationships and friendships form, along with a whole lot of fun, crazy stuff you don't wanna regret missing out on. Do the same as she's doing. Go out and meet girls. If it's meant to be and things between you and her work out in the future, great. If not, maybe you'll meet an amazing girl that makes you forget about her anyways...

 

P.S. Study hard.

[Sonik22]

I really hope you only take our advice to supplement your own. What I've learned from "advice" is the best anyone can provide is your own. No one here aside from you knows this girl, or your situation, in its entirety. Even though you described what has happened in general terms, there were still 9 months of history that you neglected to post. How often did you talk/hang out/etc? Do you share mutual friends? Have you met her parents? Have you told her you loved her, or are just assuming so? There are literally hundreds of small questions which may combine to influence my advice and ultimately effect your relationship.

 

I just mention this because several years ago I was attempting to date this one girl and sought the advice of a dating forum. After posting my story, I was offered advice on "playing hard to get," "avoiding her (no contact)," etc. All these actions are intriguing, but when applied to the girl I sought, completely backfired. She ultimately thought I wasn't interested with all the games I played. I learned my lesson, and have better off ever since.

 

I love coming across advice columns in Maxim, or other magazines such as Men's Health; where men are seeking the advice of supposed professionals on relationships that are complex, yet, manage to fit within two paragraphs. I'm sure it applies to women even more, especially since Cosmopolitan is considered must read material. No wonder people are miserable, haha.

When i say we were best friends i literally mean we are inseparable. Whenever she was with her other friends or i was with my friends we'd always be talking. Whenever either of us had an open night or we both ended being up open we would hang out. Since moving here, ive talked to her every day on the phone when i get back from class, and we still talk just as much. I've met her parents and they think i'm great. I tell her i love her every day, and she says it back. But now the pressure of me telling her i want to wait is becoming too much for her because it's all she thinks about, because she feels that she needs to date other guys to realize I'm right. But that would hurt me so much to see her with another guy, so idk how I can live with that. It's not like she's a slutty girl at all, I'm the first guy she has ever done stuff with. She just feels that right now, shes not ready to be with me, because she doesnt want to screw up a possibly even better relationship with me later in our lives. But, this all just drives me nuts and confuses me.

[FlaSoxxJim]

First and foremost, Flash is right - filter everything any of us say with your own sense of how you think you need to proceed.

 

Big picture, you're not broken up or anything since you never quite got to the level of dating. Also, you obviously care a lot for one another, so put that in the plus column.

 

The "I think I should date other guys/girls" thing is a standard and legitimate mindset for people in highschool relationships when they move on to college. Again, i realize you never quite officially dated, but your relationship is nonetheless at that level. I'd suggest you respect that decision, and agree with her that you'll both play it by ear for now and see what happens in your lives. You know she's not a promiscuous girl, so it's ok to give her a little room I think.

 

It's also ok to torch some for her, just don't make yourself miserable over it. And don't make her miserable over it either by being clingy, possessive, or intrusive. Use your feelings for her as a measure for how much value there would be in other relationships of opportunity. Have fun, sure, and be open for pleasant surprises, but don't undervalue the relationship you have or the possibility that it may become something more in time.

 

This part will sound silly, but there really is some positive in not bringing a full-fledged long-distance relationship with you to college. Long-distance relationships flat out suck. Long-distance friendships, on the other hand, are manageable. You're not saddled with trying to sustain a long-distance romance, which is usually a losing proposition. But you can be effective and important friends for each other, and you can help each other laugh at the ups and downs you each go through this year.

 

She likes you and you like her, so remember that counts for something. Best of luck, have fun, and study once in a while.

[Texsox]

First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

 

This too shall pass. I know it sucks, but really, it is far easier to stay stuck in a relationship where nothing went wrong and no one was hurt then make yourself vulnerable and find a *real* relationship. So ask someone, anyone, out. Go through the highs and lows of an actual relationship, you won;t regret it. Well that isn't totally true, and here at soxtalk we could fill volumes with takes of relationships from hell, but you just file the experiences away and move on, Soon, you will be ahead of most people, you will know who you are, and who you should be looking for. Chances are it isn't high school girl #1.

[FlaSoxxJim]

And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

 

Ooohhh, this gets my blood boiling even 25 years later. Because, what song do they cut to in the next scene? Kashmir. And what album is that from? Not Zep IV, it was Physical Graffiti. I know, I know, Cameron Crowe couldn't get the rights to any Zep IV songs, but that just always bugged the hell out of me.

 

[whitesoxfan101]

Your a freshmen in college...at SIU. Do the same thing she is doing but with girls. You're young.

 

That is correct, as is what FlaSoxx said, long distance relationships SUCK big time, I don't ever suggest them. Also keep in mind your at SIU, so be careful who you uhh, get with.

 

/obligatory SIU STD joke.

Edited September 8, 2008 by whitesoxfan101

[Flash Tizzle]

When i say we were best friends i literally mean we are inseparable. Whenever she was with her other friends or i was with my friends we'd always be talking. Whenever either of us had an open night or we both ended being up open we would hang out. Since moving here, ive talked to her every day on the phone when i get back from class, and we still talk just as much. I've met her parents and they think i'm great. I tell her i love her every day, and she says it back. But now the pressure of me telling her i want to wait is becoming too much for her because it's all she thinks about, because she feels that she needs to date other guys to realize I'm right. But that would hurt me so much to see her with another guy, so idk how I can live with that. It's not like she's a slutty girl at all, I'm the first guy she has ever done stuff with. She just feels that right now, shes not ready to be with me, because she doesnt want to screw up a possibly even better relationship with me later in our lives. But, this all just drives me nuts and confuses me.

This is the type of additional material I had in mind with my post. If I were to give advice from your original post without the above perspective I'd say she wasn't interested in you, but now, it's obvious she cares.

 

But now the pressure of me telling her i want to wait is becoming too much for her because it's all she thinks about, because she feels that she needs to date other guys to realize I'm right.

 

Is this a reference to marriage? Sorry if it isn't, but it comes off that way to me. If it is, perhaps she feels the need to experience the college life a bit before settling down. I'm 23 years old and a girl I dated for a short while who was 21 dumped me the day after New Years. Without warning. With no legitimate explanation aside from her feeling she couldn't be in a relationship. Now, I REALLY liked this girl, felt we were great together, and never saw it coming. There's a lot more to it than this obviously, but this is your thread and I won't hijack it. What I came to realize, as the dumpee, is everything is entirely in her court. I can't make her change her mind, and I wouldn't want to play mind games to trick her into feeling any particular way towards me. If she still feels you're the one for her, it's entirely in her court to proceed beyond a friendship level. It was the minute she brought about seeing other guys.

 

With my story, it has been 9 months and she hasn't come running back to me. Yet, she still keeps in contact and often flirts. Do I think anything of it? Sometimes, but whether she comes back to me or not is her decision. I can't tell you to move on because, in my circumstance, I haven't moved on. I still think about her. I've seen other women, and if I met the right woman I'd date her, but for now I'm enjoying the single life.

 

But that would hurt me so much to see her with another guy, so idk how I can live with that. It's not like she's a slutty girl at all, I'm the first guy she has ever done stuff with. She just feels that right now, shes not ready to be with me, because she doesnt want to screw up a possibly even better relationship with me later in our lives. But, this all just drives me nuts and confuses me.

It would probably hurt her to see you with other women, whether or not she'd admit it. I'm not suggesting you try anything to make her jealous (a move that could really backfire), but you can't just wait around because you don't know how long this phase of her life will last.

[Sonik22]

Well i'm trying to find a way to get over this, since it doesn't look like anything will happen between us in the near future. I realize I'm in a new place now with a lot more people, and i love it here. It's not helping the situation that i told her about me drinking last night, she won't answer her phone. Grrrrrrreat. But thank you guys for everything, and if you have anything else, post it.

 

Flash, i fully understand everything you're saying, and i'm gonna take what you said to heart. These are things i need to realize, and hopefully this will all work out for me in the end. She's just not ready to take it past the best friend level. But she does say if were still there after college, she doesn't know what would hold her back. Now 4 years from now is a long time, so i'm not really thinking anything into this.

Edited September 8, 2008 by Sonik22

[FlaSoxxJim]

Well i'm trying to find a way to get over this, since it doesn't look like anything will happen between us in the near future. I realize I'm in a new place now with a lot more people, and i love it here. It's not helping the situation that i told her about me drinking last night, she won't answer her phone. Grrrrrrreat. But thank you guys for everything, and if you have anything else, post it.

 

Waitasec. . . DRINKING?! Underage in Carbondale??!!

 

I don't believe it.

 

[Sonik22]

Waitasec. . . DRINKING?! Underage in Carbondale??!!

 

I don't believe it.

 

Hahah not like i do it on weeknights, i actually do my work and want to do good in school. I was pretty pumped from the football game, so it seemed like a good night to celebrate.

[almagest]

Sounds like one of two things to me -- either she's playing you, and thus isn't worth the trouble, or she's telling the truth, and is actually really emotionally mature and intelligent. Either way, you're much better off doing what she's doing, and dating other people. If she's lying, you'll soon forget about her. Trust me. College has a way of helping you with that. If she's telling you the truth, you might've gotten really lucky and found someone special really early in your life.

 

Truthfully, though, I think she's playing you. Some of what you said seems to indicate otherwise, but #1 she's a teenager, and #2 it could also be a case of her liking you enough to come up with excuses and put off telling you how she really feels, yet not enough to think of you as anything more than a friend.

 

Oh and study hard.

[Sonik22]

Sounds like one of two things to me -- either she's playing you, and thus isn't worth the trouble, or she's telling the truth, and is actually really emotionally mature and intelligent. Either way, you're much better off doing what she's doing, and dating other people. If she's lying, you'll soon forget about her. Trust me. College has a way of helping you with that. If she's telling you the truth, you might've gotten really lucky and found someone special really early in your life.

 

Truthfully, though, I think she's playing you. Some of what you said seems to indicate otherwise, but #1 she's a teenager, and #2 it could also be a case of her liking you enough to come up with excuses and put off telling you how she really feels, yet not enough to think of you as anything more than a friend.

 

Oh and study hard.

I can guarantee that she is not lying to me about this. We both know how important we are to each other, and i feel blessed to have met her in my last year of high school. She's told me she can't see her life without me in it, and i feel the same way about her. She's become everything to me, and i don't think that will really change with the amount we talk, and how open we are with each other. I guess i should feel good that she doesn't want to ruin any future possibility by dating now. We'll just see what happens, hopefully its the best for both of us.

[RockRaines]

1. You are still in the friend zone

2. She'll be dancing topless to O.A.R. at a party by the end of the season

3. Find local muff.

[Texsox]

Ooohhh, this gets my blood boiling even 25 years later. Because, what song do they cut to in the next scene? Kashmir. And what album is that from? Not Zep IV, it was Physical Graffiti. I know, I know, Cameron Crowe couldn't get the rights to any Zep IV songs, but that just always bugged the hell out of me.

 

It highlights Rat's inability to get it right, those awkward teenage dating moments that other kids have, and the differences between the two characters. We feel a sense of relief that Rat was not totally under the influence of the other character and could retain his innocence.

 

Feel better?

[Kyyle23]

Honestly there is no advice for this. You go through it, you learn from it, and you move on. It is soooooo rare that first love and teenage love goes past your 20's, you meet different people and find other people in your life who can fill that void.

 

I had almost this exact same thing happen to me when I went to SIU, I thought the world was ending, and I got over it and moved on. It sucked, but it happens. Long distance relationships just dont work.

 

(insert obligatory NIU STD reference)

[LosMediasBlancas]

Your brain already knows what you SHOULD do. Isn't it funny how your heart is gonna make you do the opposite? She'll probably break your heart, hopefully not, but you'll learn and grow. That's what life is all about at your age and some things you gotta learn the hard way.

I bet in a year, you'll be asking "Mary who??!!". There is one thing this world is not short on and that is attractive, interesting women who want to spend time with you. Date as many as you can.

[DABearSoX]

Sonik, I can really relate to what you are going through. When I first set out for college I was in a situation not too far from what your are going through right now. It took me probably most of my freshman year to get through it and it was tough. I thought I had found the love of my life and didn't want anything to change but thats not how the world works. With time your feelings will pass and you will then be having the time of your life in college. You are too young to let your heart bring you down. Experience what you can now b/c after these 4+ years you can never get them back. I can safely say that toughing through it was probably the best decision I made. I tried to not contact her as much after a while and that helped a lot, for one I wasnt thinking about her as much and for 2 there was less of a chance I would make an ass of myself when drunk dailing.

 

The thing that makes it all perfect is that now I have actually found the girl that I am pretty sure will be my wife. It took time and more experiences to finally realize what true love really is. Everytime I go back home I still talk and hang out with my old flame but we are different now. We still have a great freindship and remember what we were once but we are older now.

 

So give it some time and you will get through it. If you two were meant to be then it will work out in the end. Don't let it ruin your experiences in the present, and hinder your chances of seeing what the world has to offer. I'm only 9 months out of college and would give anything to be back there.

 

[Rowand44]

Hahah not like i do it on weeknights,

Oh, you will.

[Yoda]

The part where you said that she wants to experiment with other guys kind of says a lot and that's probably what is bothering you the most (I mean, who wouldn't be bothered by that?). If you guys were meant to be than it will happen, but honestly, and I'm saying this from experience, whenever a girl says that she first wants to meet different guys before she makes up her mind, that's kind of like saying that she wants someone who is different and overall refreshing. You can play the waiting game if you feel necessary, but why not try what she's willing to pull off?

 

Just by judging the few posts you have in this thread, I can tell that you're a nice guy and perhaps the "right" guy for her. But some girls are waiting for the right "asshole" to showup and in some cases they are too blind to notice.

[RockRaines]

Honestly there is no advice for this. You go through it, you learn from it, and you move on. It is soooooo rare that first love and teenage love goes past your 20's, you meet different people and find other people in your life who can fill that void.

 

I had almost this exact same thing happen to me when I went to SIU, I thought the world was ending, and I got over it and moved on. It sucked, but it happens. Long distance relationships just dont work.

 

(insert obligatory NIU STD reference)

Ya, everyone goes through it. I even made the mistake of keeping my long distance relationship for too long in college, which I wish I could go back and change. Honestly, you change so much from age 18-30 that it so hard to know if you will even like the girl as you get older.