The really bad advice thread

[bigruss]

tell him to make you a sandwich

 

New question: I have a girlfriend, but her voice is deeper than mine, she's growing a full beard, she sits around and drinks beer all day watching the football game, and never has time to be with me. What should I tell her?

Tell her to give you back your job, or you'll fester her with unpredictable emotions.

[Texsox]

tell him to make you a sandwich

 

New question: I have a girlfriend, but her voice is deeper than mine, she's growing a full beard, she sits around and drinks beer all day watching the football game, and never has time to be with me. What should I tell her?

 

Be thankful it's football and not the Golden Girls. On MANswers last night the showed that drinking beer will make her boobs grow bigger, it's the hops. So the beer drinking is great, encourage that. I'd say she's a keeper and schedule that wedding as soon as possible, in fact, surprise all your friends and elope today so you will be back for Sunday's lineup.

 

(Posting from my Blackberry) There is a suspicious package on the bus seat next to me. What should I do?

[bigruss]

Be thankful it's football and not the Golden Girls. On MANswers last night the showed that drinking beer will make her boobs grow bigger, it's the hops. So the beer drinking is great, encourage that. I'd say she's a keeper and schedule that wedding as soon as possible, in fact, surprise all your friends and elope today so you will be back for Sunday's lineup.

 

(Posting from my Blackberry) There is a suspicious package on the bus seat next to me. What should I do?

Wrap it in holiday giftwrap and give it to your mother-in-law (or just your most hated relative).

[lostfan]

(Posting from my Blackberry) There is a suspicious package on the bus seat next to me. What should I do?

Jump up and yell out Allahu Akhbar loudly. After all, God is great, and you want to make sure he's aware you're in need of his protection.

[Texsox]

Jump up and yell out Allahu Akhbar loudly. After all, God is great, and you want to make sure he's aware you're in need of his protection.

 

Thank you!

[FlaSoxxJim]

Question: I'm bleeding copiously from the mouth and rectum. I'm sure it's nothing and I don't want to sound like a nervous ninny, but I just want to get a second opinion.

[lostfan]

Question: I'm bleeding copiously from the mouth and rectum. I'm sure it's nothing and I don't want to sound like a nervous ninny, but I just want to get a second opinion.

No worries. Although the bleeding is inconvenient, you can stop it by eating plenty of acidic foods (like with tomatoes or vinegar) and drinking large amounts of coffee, Coke, and citrus-based drinks. This should burn away whatever is causing the bleeding, plus it's tasty.

[Texsox]

Question: I'm bleeding copiously from the mouth and rectum. I'm sure it's nothing and I don't want to sound like a nervous ninny, but I just want to get a second opinion.

 

lots of aspirin.

[lostfan]

I knew I was forgetting something.

[Texsox]

I'm thinking of leaving my job and getting into the mortgage lending business, what do you think?

[FlaSoxxJim]

I'm thinking of leaving my job and getting into the mortgage lending business, what do you think?

 

Sounds good, but you'll need to differentiate yourself from the competition. I suggest a novel angle, you need to be the "ABSOLUTELY NO CREDIT CHECK MORTGAGE LENDER!"

 

The world will beat a path to your door.

 

On an unrelated note, a guy asked me if I'd like to be a mule and smuggle narcotics in from Colombia in balloons that he'll teach me how to swallow. I think the money's good and I seriously can't think of any down side to this. What do you think?

Edited December 10, 2008 by FlaSoxxJim

[Texsox]

International Import Export of Pharmaceuticals is recession proof and a certain way to prosper in a down economy. You will want to get tax advice to set up your company properly. The IRS is a great place to start, give them a call.

[CanOfCorn]

On an unrelated note, a guy asked me if I'd like to be a mule and smuggle narcotics in from Colombia in balloons that he'll teach me how to swallow. I think the money's good and I seriously can't think of any down side to this. What do you think?

 

I say do it. And what's the worst that could happen? I mean, if the balloon pops, you'll get all the thrills without the bloody noses.

 

 

[lostfan]

Sometimes at work I tell people funny stories about things I do when I'm hammered, and my co-workers seem to like them. I'm thinking of waking up early on Friday to drink a pint of rum so I can demonstrate first-hand accounts of some of these stories. Is this a good idea?

[BigSqwert]

Sometimes at work I tell people funny stories about things I do when I'm hammered, and my co-workers seem to like them. I'm thinking of waking up early on Friday to drink a pint of rum so I can demonstrate first-hand accounts of some of these stories. Is this a good idea?

 

I think the only way to pull this off effectively is to make sure you schedule a meeting with senior management and your co-workers later in the morning. Make sure you begin drinking at least 2 hours before the meeting.

[lostfan]

I think the only way to pull this off effectively is to make sure you schedule a meeting with senior management and your co-workers later in the morning. Make sure you begin drinking at least 2 hours before the meeting.

Good idea, I was thinking of doing it in the morning. I was gonna drink the whole thing at once before leaving the house, and then get in my car and drive to work as fast as I could so I could avoid getting a DUI (I would have a buffer of about 20-30 minutes before the alcohol starts to take effect).

[BigSqwert]

Good idea, I was thinking of doing it in the morning. I was gonna drink the whole thing at once before leaving the house, and then get in my car and drive to work as fast as I could so I could avoid getting a DUI (I would have a buffer of about 20-30 minutes before the alcohol starts to take effect).

I recommend going at least 110 mph. Apparently anything below 110 could get picked up by a radar gun.

[CanOfCorn]

Is it wrong to tell my fellow parishoners during Mass about my sexual escapades with my pet aardvark and my wife's sister? They seem to enjoy it, but I don't want things to get, y'know, weird.

[FlaSoxxJim]

Is it wrong to tell my fellow parishoners during Mass about my sexual escapades with my pet aardvark and my wife's sister? They seem to enjoy it, but I don't want things to get, y'know, weird.

 

It's only wrong if you are rude and don't provide photographic documentation.

 

I'm about to launch my new website that is sure to make me a millionaire. It's called "freeTwenties.com" and it's fairly self-explanatory. Visitors to the site register and I'll send them each a $20 bill. It probably sounds like that will require a lot of capital, but I'll have the retailer's secret going for me. . . volume, volume, VOLUME! So. . . any thoughts on my business model?

[BigSqwert]

I'm about to launch my new website that is sure to make me a millionaire. It's called "freeTwenties.com" and it's fairly self-explanatory. Visitors to the site register and I'll send them each a $20 bill. It probably sounds like that will require a lot of capital, but I'll have the retailer's secret going for me. . . volume, volume, VOLUME! So. . . any thoughts on my business model?

 

You might want to try an Amway type model. If you could find 2 other people to set up a sister website and send visitor's $20 each...then they could find 2 other people who can set up sister websites and to the same....and so on.

Edited December 10, 2008 by BigSqwert

[bigruss]

It's only wrong if you are rude and don't provide photographic documentation.

 

I'm about to launch my new website that is sure to make me a millionaire. It's called "freeTwenties.com" and it's fairly self-explanatory. Visitors to the site register and I'll send them each a $20 bill. It probably sounds like that will require a lot of capital, but I'll have the retailer's secret going for me. . . volume, volume, VOLUME! So. . . any thoughts on my business model?

How about a porno? I thought thats what you meant when you said "free twenties"

[knightni]

Dear Soxtalk,

 

I've got a job opening up soon where I work and a lot of people want it. I'm supposed to appoint the best person for the job, but lately, I've had a lot of potentially lucrative offers for it. My wife really had her heart set on that 2009 Porsche and we could sure use that 7 bedroom lake house that I've been wanting. Some of the interested parties say that they can get me these things.

 

What do you think?

 

Sincerely,

 

"Tod"

 

 

PS - Go Cubs Go!

 

PPS - Boy, there have been a lot of guys with sunglasses on around the captol building lately.

[clyons]

Dear Soxtalk,

 

I've got a job opening up soon where I work and a lot of people want it. I'm supposed to appoint the best person for the job, but lately, I've had a lot of potentially lucrative offers for it. My wife really had her heart set on that 2009 Porsche and we could sure use that 7 bedroom lake house that I've been wanting. Some of the interested parties say that they can get me these things.

 

What do you think?

 

Sincerely,

 

"Tod"

 

 

PS - Go Cubs Go!

 

PPS - Boy, there have been a lot of guys with sunglasses on around the captol building lately.

 

I wouldn't worry too much. If the job is as golden as you say, you can always just take it yourself. But, whatever you do, be sure to speak slowly and distinctly when discussing the offers with colleagues, and don't be afraid to enliven those discussions with a few well-placed f-bombs. No one likes a prude.

[Texsox]

Dear Soxtalk,

 

I've got a job opening up soon where I work and a lot of people want it. I'm supposed to appoint the best person for the job, but lately, I've had a lot of potentially lucrative offers for it. My wife really had her heart set on that 2009 Porsche and we could sure use that 7 bedroom lake house that I've been wanting. Some of the interested parties say that they can get me these things.

 

What do you think?

 

Sincerely,

 

"Tod"

 

 

PS - Go Cubs Go!

 

PPS - Boy, there have been a lot of guys with sunglasses on around the captol building lately.

 

The key is finding someone who looks kind of like the person being replaced, if they have a celebrity father, even better.

 

I have an off the wall question. There is this guy in the neighborhood who really seems to love kids. He has a ranch and the kids are always hanging out there. He wants my kids to spend the night and says he'll look after them real close. It's not weird or anything, he's married and has kids of his own. There is one weird thing, he's white but dances like he isn't and is always singing "beat it".

 

Signed

 

Thriller

[clyons]

The key is finding someone who looks kind of like the person being replaced, if they have a celebrity father, even better.

 

I have an off the wall question. There is this guy in the neighborhood who really seems to love kids. He has a ranch and the kids are always hanging out there. He wants my kids to spend the night and says he'll look after them real close. It's not weird or anything, he's married and has kids of his own. There is one weird thing, he's white but dances like he isn't and is always singing "beat it".

 

Signed

 

Thriller

 

I'd let the kids stay with him, but since kids sometimes have trouble sleeping away from home, be sure to give them a little 'ol sleeping pill and some hot buttermilk and rum before you send them off.