Soccer is ruining America

[Nokona]

Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it. Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return.

 

What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.) The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.

 

For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games—and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.

 

1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability. Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.

 

2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up. Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes, and outs. Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, and tapping the bat to the plate gave us our first experience with inventing self-indulgent personal rituals. The boy chosen to be the pitcher was inevitably the first kid on the team to reach puberty, and he threw a hard ball right at you.

 

Thus, you had to face the fear of disfigurement as well as the statistical probability of striking out. The spectacle of your failure was so public that it was like having all of your friends invited to your home to watch your dad forcing you to eat your vegetables. We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.

 

3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that. More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score. Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel. How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage, and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery. Shootouts are such an anticlimax to the game and are so unpredictable that the teams might as well flip a coin to see who wins—indeed, they might as well flip the coin before the game, and not play at all.

 

4) And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls. Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating. As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.

 

Let me conclude on a note of despair appropriate to my topic. There is no way to run away from soccer, if only because it is a sport all about running. It is as relentless as it is easy, and it is as tiring to play as it is tedious to watch. The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America. For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer’s success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America. The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, post-structuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport.

 

Yet this suspicion would be mistaken. Soccer is of foreign origin, that is certainly true, but its promotion and implementation are thoroughly domestic. Soccer is a self-inflicted wound. Americans have nobody to blame but themselves. Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves. Baseball is too intimidating, football too brutal, and basketball takes too much time to develop the required skills. American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.

 

I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me! Last year all three of my kids were on three different soccer teams at the same time. My daughter is on a traveling team, and she is quite good. I had to sign a form that said, among other things, I would not do anything embarrassing to her or the team during the game. I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried. “Why not,” she asked? “Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? “Not at all,” I replied, “I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end.” That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport. Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family.

 

Stephen H. Webb is a professor of religion and philosophy at Wabash College. His recent books include American Providence and Taking Religion to School.

 

http://www.firstthings.com/onthesquare/?p=1329

 

[iWiN4PreP]

lol, this guy takes it way to far yo....

 

I aint no soccer puppet, only played it in elementary recees, but s***, its just a game...

[danman31]

What a douche.

[SoxFan1]

I stopped reading after the which other sport is more boring line. What a tool. Yeah, blame the greatest, and most popular sport in the world for your children being overweight pussies.

 

How f***ed up is his daughter going to be one day. "Yeah, my dad read books on the sideline when I played soccer as a kid." f*** that guy.

[T R U]

This guy is awesome, soccer blows

[lostfan]

I stopped reading after the which other sport is more boring line. What a tool. Yeah, blame the greatest, and most popular sport in the world for your children being overweight pussies.

 

How f***ed up is his daughter going to be one day. "Yeah, my dad read books on the sideline when I played soccer as a kid." f*** that guy.

Well the guy is a douche, but seriously soccer is pretty f***ing boring. I've honestly tried to like it, but it does absolutely nothing for me. A sport where a 3-0 score is considered a blowout? No thanks.

[chw42]

Soccer's pretty fun to play. But yeah, watching it can get a bit boring.

[The Critic]

What an insightful, compelling article.

 

That guy sounds like quite an asshat, but he's just trying to prove his points with hyperbole.

Soccer's not a game that's going to be a ton of fun to watch if all you want is offense.

There's a lot of stuff to watch away from the ball that I find interesting, like how different clubs try to set up plays and how some teams like to run with the ball more while others use their positioning to "let the ball do the work".

 

You can find boring elements in any sport if that's what you're looking for.

Many people find the many pauses in baseball boring, I find football boring for the "minute off, 5 seconds on" factor, the trap and dump-and-chase can make for a boring hockey game, etc. etc.

[ThunderBolt]

This is brilliant. Soccer??? Honestly, I’d rather watch paint dry. Soccer seems to be more about keeping the ball away from the other team than actually trying to score.

[T R U]

This is brilliant. Soccer??? Honestly, I’d rather watch paint dry. Soccer seems to be more about keeping the ball away from the other team than actually trying to score.

 

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[Heads22]

I like your views and would like to subscribe to your newsletter

 

Only if you come to my box social.

[SoxFan1]

This is a bottom 5 thread in SoxTalk history.

[Cali]

Soccer can't be ruining America since it will NEVER EVER be popular enough to do so...

[ChiSox_Sonix]

This guy is awesome, soccer blows

 

Coming from someone with a sig of WWE. Talk about something that is dumb and blows...

 

 

This article is such a joke. People who b**** and moan and complain about soccer have no idea what is going on and are ignorant. And what a colossal douche for going to his daughter's games and reading. What a supportive father.

Edited March 16, 2009 by ChiSox_Sonix

[DBAHO]

It's already ruined the rest of the world then.

[ThunderBolt]

Soccer is a lot like my love life. Meandering and pointless with frequent flops and red flags every so often. Why would I ever want to watch this during my free time?

[whitesoxfan101]

I am not the biggest soccer fan (although I do enjoy international matches, especially the UEFA Championship such as they had last summer, and the World Cup), but this article is ridiculous. I think soccer is a great game for kids to play, and really the fool here is somebody who would waste that much time writing such a pointless article.

[Kyyle23]

Soccer is a lot like my love life. Meandering and pointless with frequent flops and red flags every so often. Why would I ever want to watch this during my free time?

 

So you are saying that your love life is a waste of your free time?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lol, it was there for me, sitting on a tee

[ILMOU]

Soccer hasn't ruined anything. It's irrelevant in this country, and likely always will be. Whatever growth in popularity it has had with younger kids is due to parents not wanting to see their kids breaking their necks playing football.

 

 

[StrangeSox]

I think its a little ironic to see any baseball fans calling another sport boring. That's the number one complaint about baseball.

[Hawkfan]

Soccer is a worthless game, unless you need a book to read while your kids are supervised. This guy's article is rediculous though.

[GoodAsGould]

I played soccer up until highschool, that being said while I did love playing it, watching it is a borefest too me. Ill watch the worldcup at times but thats pretty much the extent of it. It will always be behind the 3 major sports in America though(football, baseball, and basketball).

[southsideirish71]

IMO, I bet the girls on his daugher's soccer team are more athletic than the "Elf Lord" author who wrote this pile of crap.

 

 

I wonder how many times he played an organized sport of any kind.

Edited March 16, 2009 by southsideirish71

[Flash Tizzle]

Honestly, I've grown to appreciate soccer. I work at Toyota Park and have seen nearly every Chicago Fire game since 2006. When Chivas USA or a foreign national team (mainly Poland) arrive to play, and the stands are full, the players definitely respond. It's typical of Americans to suggest the sport is ruining our country, since we're the type of people that like to think of ourselves as unique and special. If we say something is dumb, it's dumb -- regardless of what the other 95% of the world thinks.

 

I believe we'll know when soccer is here in America when hooliganism comes around. I pray everyday for this. I remember laughing last summer, I want to say, when fans in some midwest city had a large brawl during a soccer game. The stories read, "Is European soccer coming here" and everyone was speculating about the possible escalation of violence. This wouldn't even grab a headline in Europe.

 

I hope it gets to the stage where, like in Europe, motes have to be created to act as a barrier for fans. Or to the point where teams are threatened to play in an empty stadium. All Chicago Fire fans do is ignite smoke bombs in the stands, throw the occasional piece of garbage, or on the rare occasion run on the field and experience a free ass-whooping.

Edited March 16, 2009 by Flash Tizzle

[SoxFan1]

Honestly, I've grown to appreciate soccer. I work at Toyota Park and have seen nearly every Chicago Fire game since 2006. When Chivas USA or a foreign national team (mainly Poland) arrive to play, and the stands are full, the players definitely respond. It's typical of Americans to suggest the sport is ruining our country, since we're the type of people that like to think of ourselves as unique and special. If we say something is dumb, it's dumb -- regardless of what the other 95% of the world thinks.

 

I believe we'll know when soccer is here in America when hooliganism comes around. I pray everyday for this. I remember laughing last summer, I want to say, when fans in some midwest city had a large brawl during a soccer game. The stories read, "Is European soccer coming here" and everyone was speculating about the possible escalation of violence. This wouldn't even grab a headline in Europe.

 

I hope it gets to the stage where, like in Europe, motes have to be created to act as a barrier for fans. Or to the point where teams are threatened to play in an empty stadium. All Chicago Fire fans do is ignite smoke bombs in the stands, throw the occasional piece of garbage, or on the rare occasion run on the field and experience a free ass-whooping.

I pray to God that Soccer never becomes famous in America. The exact opposite of this article would happen, and the USA would RUIN soccer. The MLS already tarnishes the sport because it's s*** level of play.

 

The unique and special line in your post is spot on. See: American Football, unit system, the term "soccer" etc.