15 Funny Sports Quotes

[joemg311]

http://listverse.com/humor/15-funny-sports-quotes/

Great list. Any you would add?

[Chi Town Sox]

Good find...I guess not just a single quote, but my favorite was the Randy Moss line at the end

 

A reporter asks Moss about the fine: "Did you write the check yet?"

Moss: "Rich people don't write checks."'

Reporter: "Then how do you pay these guys?"

Moss: "Straight cash, Homie!"

When asked if he was sorry:

"What's 10000 dollars to me? It ain't hamburgers! Next time I might shake my d**k!"

[NorthSideSox72]

#5 is sort of missing the point, because its accurate - its called a three pedal terpischore (sp?). Right foot on the gas, left heel on the brake, left toe on the clutch.

 

[StrangeSox]

#5 is sort of missing the point, because its accurate - its called a three pedal terpischore (sp?). Right foot on the gas, left heel on the brake, left toe on the clutch.

 

Alternatively, you have heel-toe braking where your left foot is working the clutch, your right foot is braking, and you roll your right ankle to blip the throttle while you're downshifting.

 

Funny list, though

Edited May 19, 2009 by StrangeSox

[zenryan]

Prince Philip is gold!

 

1. China State Visit, 1986

 

If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.

 

 

5. When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union

 

“The bastards murdered half my family”

 

 

 

8. After the Dunblane shooting

 

“If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?”

 

 

 

13. Unknown

 

“If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it’s either a new woman or a new car!”

 

 

 

14. On key problems facing Brazil

 

“Brazilians live there”

[DrunkBomber]

Im assuming this was a list of funny sports quotes that DIDNT include Mike Tyson

 

My Favorite Mike Tyson Quote

 

“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

 

On Lennox Lewis

 

"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

 

"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."

 

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

 

On Evander Holyfield

 

"You got nothing coming, man. I'm going to enjoy this fight."

 

After biting Holyfield he said, "This is my career. I have children to raise. I have to retaliate. He butted me. Look at me. My kids will be scared of me."

 

"I felt Holyfield was using his head illegally. I told the referee I wasn't getting any help, so I went back to the streets. I cannot defend it, but it happened."

 

On Razor Ruddock

 

"You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."

 

On Tyrell Biggs

 

Tyson on Tyrell Biggs' complaining to him about low blows "Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherf**ker you're fittin' to die!"

 

"He was screaming like my wife."

 

"I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time."

 

On His Wife

 

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

 

"Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It's all lies. I have never laid a finger on her."

 

On His Childhood

 

"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."

 

On Fans

 

To a question on whether he feels support from the common fan: "I don't feel love from them because there's no love. They don't know me as an individual; they know me for what I actually do. Because they pay to see me smash anybody. If they're white they pay, [it's] because the only thing they have respect for is my ability as an athlete. But if I was in court and I had to use them to testify against me on my character, they wouldn't testify positively against me and they would think I'm a cad..."

 

"There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right."

 

"I think the average person thinks I'm a f**king nut and I deserve whatever happens to me. That's what I believe."

 

"When you see me smash somebody's skull, you enjoy it."

 

On His Time in Prison

 

"You have to understand, Frank Bruno would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. Oliver McCall would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. A lot of these guys would not have been champion. Michael Moorer would not have been champion. Those guys would not have been champion if I had been around. They would have had no legacy. None of those guys would have had a legacy."

 

"I would have been in shape. I would have been active. Holyfield, those guys wouldn't have been champion when I was around, but I went away for four or five years inactive and that made them competitive for a time."

 

"But you really have to look at the science of the situation. You guys come here to talk and report but you don't actually look at the facts of what this business is all about. The best thing that happened to those guys and they should stand on their mother's shoulders and kiss my ass because I went to prison or they would not be existing right now. They'd be a flash in the pan and would have made some money and opened up a restaurant or bar somewhere where they live at."

 

On Boxing

 

"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

 

"Everyone in boxing probably makes out well except for the fighter. He's the only one that's on Skid Row most of the time; he's the only one that everybody just leaves when he loses his mind. He sometimes goes insane, he sometimes goes on the bottle, because it's a highly intensive pressure sport that allows people to just lose it [their self-control]."

 

"How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They're just as good as dead."

 

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

 

Tyson: "It's interesting that you put me in the league with those illustrious fighters [Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis, Jack Johnson], but I've proved since my career I've surpassed them as far my popularity. I'm the biggest fighter in the history of the sport. If you don't believe it, check the cash register."

 

"Without discipline, no matter how good you are, you are nothing! One day, and I might not be around; you're going to meet a tough guy who takes your best shot. He'll keep coming because he's tough. Don't get discouraged. That's when the discipline comes in."

 

"I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I'm going to strip them of their health. I bring pain, a lot of pain."

 

On His Family

 

"No one gives a f**k about me. No one cares if my children starve, if they're on welfare. I have to support my children. I need more money."

 

Mike, on his mother who died in 1982: "I never saw my mother happy with me and proud of me for doing something: She only knew me as being a wild kid running the streets, coming home with new clothes that she knew I didn't pay for. I never got a chance to talk to her or know about her. Professionally, it has no effect, but it's crushing emotionally and personally."

 

On the Media

 

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

 

[To a female reporter] "It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

 

"People [are] going to say what they say. It has to be for a reason. It's just for a reason. I know sometimes I say things; I offend people. I ask this lady a lewd question because I'm in a lot of pain too. I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. And Lewis, I'm trying to give some of that pain to ya'll."

 

"You gentlemen have no idea what it's like to be myself, no idea what it's like. I'm not interested in being humiliated anymore."

 

"Sometimes you guys have no pride, so no matter what I say, you guys ... it doesn't affect you because you don't care about nothing but money. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass and stomp on you and put some kind of pain and inflict some of the pain on you because you deserve to feel the pain that I feel."

 

"If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

 

On Religion

 

"All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

 

"I feel like sometimes that I was born, that I'm not meant for this society because everyone here is a f**king hypocrite. Everybody says they believe in God but they don't do God's work. Everybody counteracts what God is really about. If Jesus was here, do you think Jesus would show me any love? Do you think Jesus would love me? I'm a Muslim, but do you think Jesus would love me ... I think Jesus would have a drink with me and discuss ... why you acting like that? Now, he would be cool. He would talk to me. No Christian ever did that and said in the name of Jesus even ... They'd throw me in jail and write bad articles about me and then go to church on Sunday and say Jesus is a wonderful man and he's coming back to save us. But they don't understand that when he comes back, that these crazy greedy capitalistic men are gonna kill him again."

 

Stacey McKinley: "He sees a guy beggin' in the street and he gives him a hundred dollars. I'll say, 'Man, y'know the guy's just gonna spend it on crack!' But he says, 'I leave it to Allah to judge him.'"

 

"I'm a man. I lived it and I'm not afraid to die but when I die I'm going to paradise and I'm not worried."

 

On Himself

 

"The one thing I know, everyone respects the true person and everyone's not true with themselves. All of these people who are heroes, these guys who have been lily white and clean all their lives, if they went through what I went through, they would commit suicide. They don't have the heart that I have. I've lived places they can't defecate in."

 

"I'm not Mother Teresa. But I'm also not Charles Manson!"

 

"Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It's like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you can't control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you. If you can control your fear, it makes you more alert, like a deer coming across the lawn."

 

"I'm just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too. I think it's un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my dick sucked ... It's just what I said before, everybody in this country is a big f**king liar. [The media] tells people ... that this person did this and this person did that and then we find out that were just human and we find out that Michael Jordan cheats on his wife just like everybody else and that we all cheat on our f**king wife in one way or another either emotionally, physically or sexually or one way."

 

"There's no one perfect. We're always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious -- but we're not criminally, at least I'm not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people -- it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of my most of my money, can I at least get [oral sex] without the people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?"

 

"At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because that's who you come to see."

 

"I'm the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I'm like that is because, at 21, you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I didn't know what to do. I'm from the ghetto. I don't know how to act. One day I'm in a dope house robbing somebody. The next thing I know, 'You're the heavyweight champion of the world.' ... Who am I? What am I? I don't even know who I am. I'm just a dumb child. I'm being abused. I'm being robbed by lawyers. I think I have more money than I do. I'm just a dumb pugnacious fool. I'm just a fool who thinks I'm someone. And you tell me I should be responsible?"

 

On His Mental Health

 

"I don't know if I'm mentally sick, but I have... episodes sometimes. I'm a depressant kind of dude. I have episodes, and I'm human. But no one cares about my health as a human because sometimes I'm in my episodes when I'm at work."

 

"Well, [contemplating suicide] goes through everyone's mind, I'm sure. And if it doesn't I really must be crazy. Everyone thinks about that because sometimes, you know what I mean, it's just tough being a ni**er and it's tough being a bad ni**er."

 

I don't react to a tragic happening any more. I took so many bad things as a kid and some people think I don't care about anything. It's just too hard for me to get emotional. I can't cry no more."

 

"I'm on the Zoloft [an antidepressant] to keep from killing y'all."

 

On America

 

"I'm just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can't make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime."

 

Miscellaneous Quotes

 

"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."

 

"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."

 

"I like the British bikes. I like British people. They're real mellow."

 

"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

 

"I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass."

 

"I just want to conquer people and their souls."

[SoxFan1]

One of my favorite for no particular reason...

 

Report: "Shaq, that's a nice hat. Where did you get it?"

Shaq: "You're mother gave it to me."

[shipps]

I find Shaq to be the most unfunny person ever.

[Kenny Hates Prospects]

Mike Tyson, in part because of his lisp and in part due to shots to the head, constantly says intelligent things that come out very, very wrong. The thought is there though. I saw a documentary on him where he quoted The Ballad of Reading Gaol by Oscar Wilde. He's a pretty smart dude.

 

BTW I love his quote on Jesus. And I don't know if it's on that list, but the "I'll f*** you 'til you love me, f*****" line is classic. Mike Tyson is f***in' great.

[Kenny Hates Prospects]

Speaking of Mike Tyson, this is horrible:

 

Reports: Tyson's daughter hurt

 

The daughter of boxer Mike Tyson is in critical condition after accidentally hanging herself, according to multiple media reports in Phoenix.

 

Four-year-old Exodus Tyson was found hanging from a cord on a treadmill by her 7-year-old brother, according to reports. Her mother cut her down and began administering CPR before paramedics arrived.

 

"Apparently she and her older brother were watching TV in the TV room," Phoenix police sergeant Andy Hill told KTAR radio station. "There was also a number of pieces of exercise equipment, and somehow the little girl got herself on a piece of equipment and she ended up kind of choking herself."

 

Police told the media that the girl was in extremely critical condition at St. Joseph's Hospital. Mike Tyson was reportedly not at the home at the time of the accident but was rushed to the hospital.

 

http://sports.espn.go.com/sports/boxing/ne...tory?id=4205023

 

....I guess this just happened.

Edited May 26, 2009 by Kenny Hates Prospects

[MexSoxFan#1]

geez,that sucks,I hope that little girl pulls through.