Relationship Advice Thread

[GGajewski18]

23 hours ago, Kyyle23 said:

GG I don't think you need to do much more than ask if you guys are exclusive 

So last night she brought it up without me asking essentially saying she doesn't want to be exclusive until she knows for sure that she wants to be with a guy..  I didn't go into it much further because I don't think she is at that stage yet.  

14 hours ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

I'm confused when you said you hadn't have a first date in 8 years. Sounds like you went on your first date with her about a year ago, and several dates since.

As far as how to ask her out, since it's kind of an awkward and vulnerably position to be in, especially in this modern society, I would kind of make light of it, or make a joke out of it. When I "officially" asked my girlfriend to be...my girlfriend, about 14 months ago, I did it by asking her "Soo....should I delete my Tinder now or..." and made it a light-hearted thing. And then we both watched as I uninstalled the app as if it was some big step. We had a good laugh about it. 

Once in December and haven't since until we recently started talking again.  So, based off my above comment, I think I'm gonna continue to wait a couple more dates and then go from there and ask.

[Brian]

8 hours ago, GGajewski18 said:

So last night she brought it up without me asking essentially saying she doesn't want to be exclusive until she knows for sure that she wants to be with a guy..  I didn't go into it much further because I don't think she is at that stage yet.  

Once in December and haven't since until we recently started talking again.  So, based off my above comment, I think I'm gonna continue to wait a couple more dates and then go from there and ask.

Move on. I’ve been there a few times. Stop spending money on her.

[Yoda]

Sounds like she enjoys your company but a serious relationship would compromise her freedom. Do you know if she does this with other guys? When I read that she gave you her number while she was on a "date" with someone else, that was a red flag to me. Since you’re both just friends, you’re open to ask away as to where she sees herself long term: marriage and starting a family or continue with current lifestyle?

[greg775]

On 10/7/2018 at 5:33 PM, Brian said:

Move on. I’ve been there a few times. Stop spending money on her.

I agree with Brian. Good advice. Follow it. At least stop spending cash on her. Brian is right.

[raBBit]

3 hours ago, greg775 said:

I agree with Brian. Good advice. Follow it. At least stop spending cash on her. Brian is right.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Brian

Thought you might like this greg.

[Brian]

13 hours ago, raBBit said:

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Brian

Thought you might like this greg.

Everyone should click that link and educate themselves. ?

[lasttriptotulsa]

Okay, so what's everyone's opinion on age differences? I'm 34 the girl I'm interested in is 22. Too much? She is a very mature 22.

Edited October 18, 2018 by lasttriptotulsa

[Bob Sacamano]

25 minutes ago, lasttriptotulsa said:

Okay, so what's everyone's opinion on age differences? I'm 34 the girl I'm interested in is 22. Too much? She is a very mature 22.

I've started living by the rule: post-college is fair game once you hit a certain age.

[Leonard Zelig]

1 hour ago, lasttriptotulsa said:

Okay, so what's everyone's opinion on age differences? I'm 34 the girl I'm interested in is 22. Too much? She is a very mature 22.

Half your age plus 7 is a formula I have heard, so in your case, she would be too young.  

[Y2HH]

6 hours ago, lasttriptotulsa said:

Okay, so what's everyone's opinion on age differences? I'm 34 the girl I'm interested in is 22. Too much? She is a very mature 22.

Says everyone trying to convince themselves this would be a good idea.

In all seriousness, it depends on what you're both looking for. First and foremost, let's start with the fact she's 22. Therefore she's not very mature. Especially today. That aside, if you're both just looking for fun, whatever ... but if you're looking for one thing and she's looking for another? I'd just make sure you're both on the same page.

My opinion? I personally couldn't get along in an actual relationship with a person that young -- we'd have nothing in common. We didn't watch the same cartoons or movies growing up, we wouldn't like most of the same music, or anything...hell, she was like 9 when the Sox won the world series. lol

[greg775]

On 10/18/2018 at 11:06 AM, Leonard Zelig said:

Half your age plus 7 is a formula I have heard, so in your case, she would be too young.  

I think most people would think you are too old to date a 22 year old. I have no big opinion either way. 

As far as society ... lets say if you hung out with a group at work of folks 22 to 40 (softball team, drinks, lunches) and you were talking to a 22 year old co worker or friend of a co worker, most would assume you were talking as friends.

Even if she was 24, that's a pretty big age difference for modern society. I think once you top 30, you are considered too old to date somebody 23 or 24 or younger. Let's say you took a 22 year old that hung out with the softball team/work crowd to play tennis in the summer cause you've talked about tennis and she plays it and you play it. If folks heard about it, they'd assume it was innocent friendship with you not having an intent of dating her. From what I've observed in life, women are very concerned about age differences. Has she asked you about how old you are? Any conversations yet?

[lasttriptotulsa]

22 hours ago, greg775 said:

From what I've observed in life, women are very concerned about age differences. Has she asked you about how old you are? Any conversations yet?

She's told me age doesn't matter to her. The last guy she was somewhat seeing was 33 so not much different. Yes she knows how old I am.

[Soxbadger]

1 hour ago, lasttriptotulsa said:

She's told me age doesn't matter to her. The last guy she was somewhat seeing was 33 so not much different. Yes she knows how old I am.

I was 33 dating a 24 year old. It worked out. It really just depends on what type of things you have in common etc. She just barely made the /2 + 7 which I told her before we started dating.

[pettie4sox]

21 hours ago, lasttriptotulsa said:

She's told me age doesn't matter to her. The last guy she was somewhat seeing was 33 so not much different. Yes she knows how old I am.

Go for it dude.  YOLO

[Brian]

coughDaddyIssuescough

[greg775]

On 10/22/2018 at 1:55 PM, lasttriptotulsa said:

She's told me age doesn't matter to her. The last guy she was somewhat seeing was 33 so not much different. Yes she knows how old I am.

You've got it made then. If she knows your age you aren't hiding anything and are in the clear. If it gets serious and her friends or family care? Who cares? 

[iamshack]

On 10/22/2018 at 11:55 AM, lasttriptotulsa said:

She's told me age doesn't matter to her. The last guy she was somewhat seeing was 33 so not much different. Yes she knows how old I am.

Do you like her? Does she like you? Are any laws being broken? Life is short, do what makes you both happy and who gives a fuck what some silly formula equates to.

[lasttriptotulsa]

11 hours ago, iamshack said:

Do you like her? Does she like you? Are any laws being broken? Life is short, do what makes you both happy and who gives a fuck what some silly formula equates to.

That part I'm having trouble getting a read on.

[knightni]

When I married my wife, I was 40, she was 25.

[lasttriptotulsa]

Oh well, as of last night it's a no go anyways.

 

[pettie4sox]

1 hour ago, lasttriptotulsa said:

Oh well, as of last night it's a no go anyways.

 

Other fish in the sea bro.

[Jack Parkman]

Ok so I want some advice about this, especially from women if possible(I know there aren't a lot on here, but there are a few) 

Anyway, I've been trying to do online dating for about a year now, but nobody responds to me. I'm open about being on the spectrum, because I live at home at age 32 and it is hard to explain that to a date in their 30s otherwise. I have thought about dating in my friend group's age range, but I don't feel like I have as much in in common with regard to shared life experiences with people in their mid to late 20s as I do with people in their early or mid 30s, when it comes to what I want in a partner. 

I had one serious relationship with a woman on the spectrum. It ended horribly, due to spectrum related issues (not communicating/miscommunication, misunderstanding personal space, etc.) I learned a lot from it,(most notably what I want in a partner) and also learned that she wasn't the right person for me. I probably don't want to date another woman on the spectrum again. Communication is really important to a healthy relationship and when both people struggle in that regard it makes understanding each other nearly impossible. This was the only SO I have ever had btw. 

I absolutely do not want kids ever. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own responsibilities, and I don't need anymore complications. Not to mention that there is a strong genetic component to autism and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. 

My questions are: 

1) Should I be up front about my autism, living situation, etc?

2) If the answer to 1) is no, then when is it appropriate to share that info? 

3) How should I approach sending a message to someone I'm interested in? 

Thanks for your help,

Parkman
 

Edited January 16, 2019 by Jack Parkman

[greg775]

1 minute ago, Jack Parkman said:

Ok so I want some advice about this, especially from women if possible(I know there aren't a lot on here, but there are a few) 

Anyway, I've been trying to do online dating for about a year now, but nobody responds to me. I'm open about being on the spectrum, because I live at home at age 32 and it is hard to explain that to a date in their 30s otherwise. I have thought about dating in my friend group's age range, but I don't feel like I have as much in in common with regard to shared life experiences with people in their mid to late 20s as I do with people in their early or mid 30s, when it comes to what I want in a partner. 

I had one serious relationship with a woman on the spectrum. It ended horribly, due to spectrum related issues (not communicating/miscommunication, misunderstanding personal space, etc.) I learned a lot from it, and also learned that she wasn't the right person for me. I probably don't want to date another person on the spectrum again. 

I absolutely do not want kids ever. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own responsibilities, and I don't need anymore complications. Not to mention that there is a strong genetic component to autism and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. 

My questions are: 

1) Should I be up front about my autism, living situation, etc?

2) If the answer to 1) is no, then when is it appropriate to share that info? 

3) How should I approach sending a message to someone I'm interested in? 

Thanks for your help,

Parkman
 

I know two women who are great people, successful professionals and very attractive who have both met their future husbands on online dating site bumble. It worked for them. They are not engaged yet, but been dating their significants for several months after meeting on there. 1.) Tell them about the autism/living situation on the first date. I don't think u need to put it in your dating profile. Or maybe if you start communicating with somebody, tell the person when you are setting up the date.

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

1 hour ago, Jack Parkman said:

Ok so I want some advice about this, especially from women if possible(I know there aren't a lot on here, but there are a few) 

Anyway, I've been trying to do online dating for about a year now, but nobody responds to me. I'm open about being on the spectrum, because I live at home at age 32 and it is hard to explain that to a date in their 30s otherwise. I have thought about dating in my friend group's age range, but I don't feel like I have as much in in common with regard to shared life experiences with people in their mid to late 20s as I do with people in their early or mid 30s, when it comes to what I want in a partner. 

I had one serious relationship with a woman on the spectrum. It ended horribly, due to spectrum related issues (not communicating/miscommunication, misunderstanding personal space, etc.) I learned a lot from it,(most notably what I want in a partner) and also learned that she wasn't the right person for me. I probably don't want to date another woman on the spectrum again. Communication is really important to a healthy relationship and when both people struggle in that regard it makes understanding each other nearly impossible. This was the only SO I have ever had btw. 

I absolutely do not want kids ever. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own responsibilities, and I don't need anymore complications. Not to mention that there is a strong genetic component to autism and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. 

My questions are: 

1) Should I be up front about my autism, living situation, etc?

2) If the answer to 1) is no, then when is it appropriate to share that info? 

3) How should I approach sending a message to someone I'm interested in? 

Thanks for your help,

Parkman
 

I don't know how to word this, but how *severe?* is your autism? I know it can vary wildly, but the reason I ask is because would anyone even know if they met you? If not, then I wouldn't bother saying anything to her until maybe some point at the end of the 1st date. Because that might scare someone off if they overshoot the degree in which is affects you. And if you tell them at the end of the date, but the date went great, then they are less likely to care, and are likely to become more understanding of the variances in autism.

The best example I can think of of someone who has autism that you would never know is the comedian Jim Jeffries. He didn't find out he even had it until he was like 40. On the other hand, one of my good friend's growing up has a brother who has it, and he never aged intellectually past a 6 year old. Obviously I don't have to tell you about autism, but just pointing out that if you tell someone you have autism, they may get wildly different ideas of what that could entail, and it could put them in a very weird position where even if they do take the date anyway, they will be weird about how to act.

As far as the living at home thing, I would save that for the same conversation, because otherwise it's going to lead to a line of questioning where you either have to lie, or you have to say "I can't tell you right now" which is weird. 

And lastly, I wouldn't make too big of a deal out of it. They are either going to be cool with it, or they aren't. You can't really change them, and it's not worth it to try. You don't want someone that you have to talk them in to accepting you. 

Edited January 16, 2019 by ChiliIrishHammock24

[Jack Parkman]

7 hours ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

I don't know how to word this, but how *severe?* is your autism? I know it can vary wildly, but the reason I ask is because would anyone even know if they met you? If not, then I wouldn't bother saying anything to her until maybe some point at the end of the 1st date. Because that might scare someone off if they overshoot the degree in which is affects you. And if you tell them at the end of the date, but the date went great, then they are less likely to care, and are likely to become more understanding of the variances in autism.

The best example I can think of of someone who has autism that you would never know is the comedian Jim Jeffries. He didn't find out he even had it until he was like 40. On the other hand, one of my good friend's growing up has a brother who has it, and he never aged intellectually past a 6 year old. Obviously I don't have to tell you about autism, but just pointing out that if you tell someone you have autism, they may get wildly different ideas of what that could entail, and it could put them in a very weird position where even if they do take the date anyway, they will be weird about how to act.

As far as the living at home thing, I would save that for the same conversation, because otherwise it's going to lead to a line of questioning where you either have to lie, or you have to say "I can't tell you right now" which is weird. 

And lastly, I wouldn't make too big of a deal out of it. They are either going to be cool with it, or they aren't. You can't really change them, and it's not worth it to try. You don't want someone that you have to talk them in to accepting you. 

I'm of the point where it is obvious. I talk loud, and have the stereotypical "autistic voice"(loud+monotone) If you want a reference, think Beldar Conehead. (BTW if Dan Akroyd is actually autistic, that's probably his natural voice....the Coneheads skit makes waay more sense now lol)   if you met me you'd know something was a bit off nearly immediately. There is a large subset of people that are severe enough to be obviously different, but their brain works fine otherwise. I'm in that group.(used to be known as Asperger's but they changed the terminology because there are a lot of similarities between Asperger's and more traditional autism) I have a really hard time keeping eye contact, and reading sarcasm is completely hit or miss, mostly related to where my anxiety level is that day. I have some tics (I don't flap but I do pace around a lot) Also I'd have trouble gauging whether or not someone is interested or not after a 1st date. 

Edited January 16, 2019 by Jack Parkman