Relationship Advice Thread

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

10 hours ago, SoxAce said:

Well after talking it over, she's firm that she wants to keep it but she wants nothing to do with me and I want nothing to do with her (we borderline hate each other). She doesn't know where I live, where I work, last name, etc and she said she wants to go to court with me to give up my parental rights which I'm all for. Do you guys think this is the right approach? Should I change my number (which I'm probably going to do) so she can't track me through that just in case? 

I also wanna thank a couple of posters who have PM'd me through this ordeal. You know who you are and it meant so much to me. Thanks guys. 

If you give up your parental rights, does that mean you are no longer liable for child support? If so, then I guess that's not a terrible outcome if she really doesn't want you to be a part of her life or the child's, then it shouldn't really affect your conscience much if you also don't want to be a part of her life. 

As far as changing your number so she can't track you....well, once you go to court, I would imagine she will have your full name. And even if you guys have ZERO mutual friends, she can probably find you on social media/FB. So I don't think changing your number will do much, especially when you can just block her number instead.  And maybe even proactively block her from your social media too (She can still find you if she really wanted to by just making new accounts or googling).

Edited February 11, 2019 by ChiliIrishHammock24

[SoxAce]

4 minutes ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

As far as changing your number so she can't track you....well, once you go to court, I would imagine she will have your full name. And even if you guys have ZERO mutual friends, she can probably find you on social media/FB. So I don't think changing your number will do much, especially when you can just block her number instead.  And maybe even proactively block her from your social media too (She can still find you if she really wanted to by just making new accounts or googling).

I don't have any social media.. never have. I was going to do it just in case, but if she goes through with this like she says, it won't matter anyways because I'm not liable (you are correct). I'm still gonna do it though after.

[caulfield12]

The big thing here is deciding whether you can handle knowing you have a child alive and growing up somewhere that's a part of you?  Would you still not feel responsible at all, even if you signed all parental rights away? Would you feel differently if the child was to be adopted?

It's all just theoretical now, but that completely changes after birth.

My gf became pregnant about 3 months into our relationship and in China you basically have to get married or the child doesn't even have the right to a government/public education.  But I was in my 40s and really wanted to have a child, you probably are at a different age and also your connection to the woman and raising a child together seems impossible or inconceivable.

I do think instead of running the other direction that you should keep your options more open about being a part of your future child's life, because you might end up regretting taking such an arm's length.stance in the future.  With children, you have to think more with your heart than brain...imagine you were born to parents in this situation, how would you feel, what questions you'd ask and whether you would still try to meet your biological father.  Things seem almost adversarial right now because of the financial side of things, but you need to think how you will reflect on.everything that's going on today ten or fifteen years into the future, especially if you don't get married or have children with someone else.

Edited February 11, 2019 by caulfield12

[pettie4sox]

16 hours ago, SoxAce said:

Well after talking it over, she's firm that she wants to keep it but she wants nothing to do with me and I want nothing to do with her (we borderline hate each other). She doesn't know where I live, where I work, last name, etc and she said she wants to go to court with me to give up my parental rights which I'm all for. Do you guys think this is the right approach? Should I change my number (which I'm probably going to do) so she can't track me through that just in case? 

I also wanna thank a couple of posters who have PM'd me through this ordeal. You know who you are and it meant so much to me. Thanks guys. 

Ummm yet you guys were boinking?

Kids these days...

Sorry to make light of your situation but as long as you both know were you stand and make sure it sticks legally, it sounds like you both are getting what you want.

[LittleHurt05]

16 hours ago, SoxAce said:

Well after talking it over, she's firm that she wants to keep it but she wants nothing to do with me and I want nothing to do with her (we borderline hate each other). She doesn't know where I live, where I work, last name, etc and she said she wants to go to court with me to give up my parental rights which I'm all for. Do you guys think this is the right approach? Should I change my number (which I'm probably going to do) so she can't track me through that just in case? 

I also wanna thank a couple of posters who have PM'd me through this ordeal. You know who you are and it meant so much to me. Thanks guys. 

I don't know where you stand financially, but you might want to think about consulting a lawyer that specializes in family law.  So if you do go to court you can be sure there are no surprises and everything happens the way you are expecting it to.

It might cost you some cash now, but can't put a price on piece of mind and it prevent any surprises down the line.

[Iwritecode]

Also think about the fact that even if you sign over your rights, the kid may seek you out someday down the road. Sometimes it's nice to know family history, lineage, genetics, medical conditions that may be hereditary, etc...

[Soxbadger]

22 hours ago, SoxAce said:

Well after talking it over, she's firm that she wants to keep it but she wants nothing to do with me and I want nothing to do with her (we borderline hate each other). She doesn't know where I live, where I work, last name, etc and she said she wants to go to court with me to give up my parental rights which I'm all for. Do you guys think this is the right approach? Should I change my number (which I'm probably going to do) so she can't track me through that just in case? 

I also wanna thank a couple of posters who have PM'd me through this ordeal. You know who you are and it meant so much to me. Thanks guys. 

 

12 hours ago, SoxAce said:

I don't have any social media.. never have. I was going to do it just in case, but if she goes through with this like she says, it won't matter anyways because I'm not liable (you are correct). I'm still gonna do it though after.

Get a lawyer. This area of law is really tricky. 

IF this is in IL, this is my non legal suggestion:

 

 THE FOLLOWING DOES NOT CONSTITUTE LEGAL ADVICE, THIS IS MERELY AN OPINION. 

 

In IL there is no presumption of paternity. In order for you or anyone to become the "father" you would either a) need to sign a voluntary acknowledgement of paternity or b) be found to be the father by court order. Signing something makes no sense. If she doesnt want you involved and you dont want to be involved, I would do nothing. Going to court could go sideways. Child support isnt for the mother, it is for the child. Courts do not always let a parent waive their childs right to financial support. 

I have no idea what this girl has in terms of money, but be extremely careful. 

id suggest reading this:

https://www.dupagefamilylawattorneys.com/dupagedivorceblog/terminating-parental-rights-in-illinois

 

Specifically:

Quote

 

The Adoption Act states that a parental unfitness claim must be made in order for a court to terminate a parent’s rights. For an absent parent, the grounds for unfitness include abandonment, abandonment of a newborn at a hospital, abandonment in any setting where it is inferred that he or she meant to relinquish parental rights, failure to keep a degree of interest in a child, desertion of a child, failing to visit or communicate with a child for at least one year, failing to make a good faith effort to pay for a child’s expenses, or failing to provide reasonable support for a child.

It is important to note that typically, even if the court finds that one parent is unfit, an Illinois judge is not likely to terminate parental rights unless another person is prepared to adopt the child. This ensures that two people are providing for the welfare of the child, and the potential adoptive parent must meet the qualifications of the law. In addition, termination through a juvenile case is rare because the state is the only party allowed to bring that type of case to court.

 

 

AGAIN THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE. CONSULT AN ATTORNEY

[greg775]

5 hours ago, LittleHurt05 said:

I don't know where you stand financially, but you might want to think about consulting a lawyer that specializes in family law.  So if you do go to court you can be sure there are no surprises and everything happens the way you are expecting it to.

It might cost you some cash now, but can't put a price on piece of mind and it prevent any surprises down the line.

I was going to say, Ace, I agree, you are probably going to need a lawyer. You really are. I wish you well and know you will make the right choices. Feel free to PM me if you seek any opinions of mine.

[SoxAce]

Thanks everyone. I contacted Dad's rights and have an appointment with them on Wednesday. I'll see what they say on the matter and go from there. @Soxbadger you mind PMing me?

Edited February 11, 2019 by SoxAce

[Soxbadger]

17 minutes ago, SoxAce said:

Thanks everyone. I contacted Dad's rights and have an appointment with them on Wednesday. I'll see what they say on the matter and go from there. @Soxbadger you mind PMing me?

Sure as long as its about OOTP

[SoxAce]

Just now, Soxbadger said:

Sure as long as its about OOTP

Would help then if your cleared out your inbox.

[Soxbadger]

5 minutes ago, SoxAce said:

Would help then if your cleared out your inbox.

guess i can delete those fantasy baseball ones from 14 years ago. 

[southsider2k5]

This thread has been edited as well.  For everyone here, the personal attacks policy is here for a reason, and it is still being enforced.

[The Sir]

Ok, so can I resubmit my advice politely? You didn’t just take out the mean parts, you took out everything.

@SoxAce, don’t abandon your child. Take responsibility for what happened. You might not want to be a dad, but you made a mistake and that’s the result, especially since she plans on keeping him/her. Work to rebuild that relationship however you can and be there for the kid in any way you can. Whether you realize it or not, that kid is going to think about you and wonder why you’re not there. It was a constant thought for my wife (somewhat different situation, but similar enough), and when I deal with troubled kids at my school, you’d be shocked at how often the lack of a father figure comes up. I’ve even heard kids explain their poor behavior themselves by pointing out that it might be different if they had dads. Don’t let that be your child. You’ll regret it a lot more down the road if you do.

Sorry that I came off as harsh last night, but I’ve seen how this plays out further on. With everyone focusing on how you should protect yourself, I feel obliged to point out a different path. Please consider it.

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

9 hours ago, The Sir said:

Ok, so can I resubmit my advice politely? You didn’t just take out the mean parts, you took out everything.

@SoxAce, don’t abandon your child. Take responsibility for what happened. You might not want to be a dad, but you made a mistake and that’s the result, especially since she plans on keeping him/her. Work to rebuild that relationship however you can and be there for the kid in any way you can. Whether you realize it or not, that kid is going to think about you and wonder why you’re not there. It was a constant thought for my wife (somewhat different situation, but similar enough), and when I deal with troubled kids at my school, you’d be shocked at how often the lack of a father figure comes up. I’ve even heard kids explain their poor behavior themselves by pointing out that it might be different if they had dads. Don’t let that be your child. You’ll regret it a lot more down the road if you do.

Sorry that I came off as harsh last night, but I’ve seen how this plays out further on. With everyone focusing on how you should protect yourself, I feel obliged to point out a different path. Please consider it.

The kid has yet to be born, let alone be raised without a father. Plenty of time for this girl to find a nice guy and marry him.

She doesn't want him in her or the baby's life. Sure, he can try and patch things up if that's what he wants, but ultimately it's not his decision to be in the kid's life if he respects the woman's wishes. 

[greg775]

What happened at your Wednesday meeting? The key is how YOU feel about having a child. She made it clear that she doesn't want you involved at all. If you can live with that, and letting your child be raised by others, it seems cut and dried. Someday perhaps the child will want to meet you and you can decide if you want that. In the interim, if you don't really want to help raise your child (or would be OK with mom and her family raising the child without you), it seems cut and dried. I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer because at some point mom might want you to foot half the bill. As we all know, it's expensive to raise a human being (food, clothing, shelter, medical). Best wishes. Glad u are seeing an attorney and talking to badger. Only you can decide how you will handle this. Nobody can tell you what to do. 

BTW, will you tell your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends bout this?

Edited February 14, 2019 by greg775

[The Sir]

20 minutes ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

The kid has yet to be born, let alone be raised without a father. Plenty of time for this girl to find a nice guy and marry him.

She doesn't want him in her or the baby's life. Sure, he can try and patch things up if that's what he wants, but ultimately it's not his decision to be in the kid's life if he respects the woman's wishes. 

I’m gonna sound like a dinosaur, but whatever. Men don’t just leave things up to fate. My wife is beautiful and my kids rock; if I simply walked out, they’d probably find someone else. Yet it’d be a total and unforgivable abdication of my duties as a man (as an aside, I’d rather be dead than be without my family). That kid isn’t some other man’s responsibility. He/she is his.

We never heard why they hate each other. I won’t speculate. Maybe it’s an absolute and unchanging no from this woman, but I feel like he should try. He could send gifts or checks to show support. He could write letters to his child to let the kid know that he thinks about him/her. It’d be much better than just hiding from this and acting like it never happened.

[The Sir]

4 minutes ago, greg775 said:

What happened at your Wednesday meeting? The key is how YOU feel about having a child. She made it clear that she doesn't want you involved at all. If you can live with that, and letting your child be raised by others, it seems cut and dried. Someday perhaps the child will want to meet you and you can decide if you want that. In the interim, if you don't really want to help raise your child (or would be OK with mom and her family raising the child without you), it seems cut and dried. I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer because at some point mom might want you to foot half the bill. As we all know, it's expensive to raise a human being (food, clothing, shelter, medical). Best wishes. Glad u are seeing an attorney and talking to badger. Only you can decide how you will handle this. Nobody can tell you what to do. 

BTW, will you tell your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends bout this?

This is really the person he ought to talk to. If he’s worth his salt, he’ll have good advice.

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

42 minutes ago, The Sir said:

I’m gonna sound like a dinosaur, but whatever. Men don’t just leave things up to fate. My wife is beautiful and my kids rock; if I simply walked out, they’d probably find someone else. Yet it’d be a total and unforgivable abdication of my duties as a man (as an aside, I’d rather be dead than be without my family). That kid isn’t some other man’s responsibility. He/she is his.

We never heard why they hate each other. I won’t speculate. Maybe it’s an absolute and unchanging no from this woman, but I feel like he should try. He could send gifts or checks to show support. He could write letters to his child to let the kid know that he thinks about him/her. It’d be much better than just hiding from this and acting like it never happened.

You're going to compare leaving your wife and kids to someone who was a sperm donor to a stranger and was asked to stay out of their lives before the kid was even born yet? What?!?!?!

Maybe the child won't want to be contacted by a stranger, who did nothing but donate sperm. He can write notes to the child, that's great, but he should keep them to himself until he is either approached by the mom or the child, and then show the kid evidence that he never forgot about them. But that's not really his call and it would be selfish to interject his life in to theirs when he was asked not to.

My sister-in-law has a sperm donor father. She was raised from an infant by her mom's new man. She considers HIM her dad and it's the only dad she's ever known. She refers to her biological dad as "the sperm donor" and thinks it's weird and a bit creepy when he comments on her FB and Instagram posts about his biological grandchildren. That's as much interaction as she allows, and could care less about him.

Just because SoxAce will have a biological child doesn't mean that the kid will even know he exists or even WANT him to contact him or her and try to interject themselves in to his or her life when convenient.

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

48 minutes ago, The Sir said:

This is really the person he ought to talk to. If he’s worth his salt, he’ll have good advice.

Man, you are old school, huh?

[pettie4sox]

I can’t help to feel the sir’s comments are still digs at soxace...  

[ChiliIrishHammock24]

1 hour ago, pettie4sox said:

I can’t help to feel the sir’s comments are still digs at soxace...  

Meh, at least they are a lot more toned down and less aggressive. I don't think his opinion on the subject is out there crazy, but I do disagree with it and I think it's a more outdated approach.

[caulfield12]

If he voluntarily started sending money, that would set a precedent in terms of support and be difficult to escape.  Seems that is one of the overriding concerns here.

I know what the "old school" response would be from my dad, were he still around, but that era of personal responsibility and duty died off somewhere in the 80s or 90s.

[The Sir]

8 hours ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

You're going to compare leaving your wife and kids to someone who was a sperm donor to a stranger and was asked to stay out of their lives before the kid was even born yet? What?!?!?!

Maybe the child won't want to be contacted by a stranger, who did nothing but donate sperm. He can write notes to the child, that's great, but he should keep them to himself until he is either approached by the mom or the child, and then show the kid evidence that he never forgot about them. But that's not really his call and it would be selfish to interject his life in to theirs when he was asked not to.

My sister-in-law has a sperm donor father. She was raised from an infant by her mom's new man. She considers HIM her dad and it's the only dad she's ever known. She refers to her biological dad as "the sperm donor" and thinks it's weird and a bit creepy when he comments on her FB and Instagram posts about his biological grandchildren. That's as much interaction as she allows, and could care less about him.

Just because SoxAce will have a biological child doesn't mean that the kid will even know he exists or even WANT him to contact him or her and try to interject themselves in to his or her life when convenient.

It wasn't the best analogy, but my point was to reinforce my rejection of the idea of leaving it to someone else. Sure, this girl could find someone else and the kid could end up with an awesome father figure, but it should be him. Just like your sister-in-law. I'm happy that she was well taken care of, but without knowing all the details, why did the sperm donor abdicate? It might have worked out in the end, but he, and he alone, should not have allowed that to happen. Additionally, given the idea that he comments on her social media, I'd guess he ultimately regrets his lack of a role in her life.

Part of my advice to SoxAce is intended to avoid that result for him. If, 20 years from now, he finds himself thinking about his offspring like your SIL's dad and like my wife's birth dad, I hope he'll have done enough to avoid scorn and suspicion from him/her, and the pain that would come along with it.

8 hours ago, ChiliIrishHammock24 said:

Man, you are old school, huh?

And proud of it! ?

8 hours ago, pettie4sox said:

I can’t help to feel the sir’s comments are still digs at soxace...  

They're not intended that way.

58 minutes ago, caulfield12 said:

If he voluntarily started sending money, that would set a precedent in terms of support and be difficult to escape.  Seems that is one of the overriding concerns here.

I know what the "old school" response would be from my dad, were he still around, but that era of personal responsibility and duty died off somewhere in the 80s or 90s.

Didn't think about part one. Probably a fair question as to whether that would inadvertently set up anything legally binding.

Part two makes me sad. 

[Iwritecode]

Of course everyone has their own opinion on what's right or wrong based on their experiences so I'll just throw this out there. Just within the last 10 years or so my dad has found out that he has 2 half-sisters. We had long suspected this because my grandpa was a bit of a man-whore and was married 7 times to 5 different women.

One found us a little while back and we've met her and her family a couple of times. One just recently found us within the last year. I've never met her in person but from seeing her pictures on Facebook, she shares a startling resemblance (as well as a last name) with one of my other aunts. It's kinda cool to realize that you have other relatives out there and to learn more about your family history.

I've never been in the situation personally but I think it would just be better to at least know your biological parents and be given the choice of whether or want them in your life or not. 

I don't know all the legalities of it but I don't think a mother can prevent a father from being in his child's life if he really wishes to be. 

Edited February 14, 2019 by Iwritecode