Relationship Advice Thread

[iamshack]

Ok fellas, figured I would pose another question for those of you that might be in the same boat as I am finding myself in here...

 

So I am dating a woman with two children, a boy (9) and a girl (7).

 

My mother was a single mother for a while when my brother and I were kids, and then she remarried, so I have some experience on the other side of this equation.

 

But I was just looking for some general advice from those of you who may have dated someone with children before or even ended up marriying someone with children that are not your own.

 

I do pretty well with her kids...her son likes me quite a bit and her daughter draws me pictures all the time, so I must be doing something right, but I think that's because I stay out of their business just enough to seem like the nice guy all the time. I am starting to realize though that at some point I will have to actually take part in decisions that affect them and that is when I will not always be able to be distant enough to remain the nice guy.

 

So any general pointers would be appreciated.

 

No big deal, just bored on a slow weekday in February...

[knightni]

I'm sure that you don't want my relationship advice, but I'll tell you a little of my experience.

 

I've been with two different women who had children.

 

The first, actually said, "You love my son more than you love me." - which kind of surprised me since I was just trying to blend in with her family situation. It seemed like she thought there was some sort of competition for my love and attention and she felt like she was losing. After awhile, she starting treating me like her child instead of her boyfriend, so that didn't work out.

 

The second, kept her children and life at one arm's length, and our relationship (if you wanted to call it that) at another. Even though we were together five years, I was never really allowed into her family life. I was the "get away" guy. When she wanted to get away from her life, we went out and did stuff. I never had the chance to get progress in the relationship to propose an engagement/marriage situation.

 

I personally have mixed feelings about dating women in family situations, because it's never really worked for me. But, I'm sure you'll have better luck than I.

[iamshack]

I'm sure that you don't want my relationship advice, but I'll tell you a little of my experience.

 

I've been with two different women who had children.

 

The first, actually said, "You love my son more than you love me." - which kind of surprised me since I was just trying to blend in with her family situation. It seemed like she thought there was some sort of competition for my love and attention and she felt like she was losing. After awhile, she starting treating me like her child instead of her boyfriend, so that didn't work out.

 

The second, kept her children and life at one arm's length, and our relationship (if you wanted to call it that) at another. Even though we were together five years, I was never really allowed into her family life. I was the "get away" guy. When she wanted to get away from her life, we went out and did stuff. I never had the chance to get progress in the relationship to propose an engagement/marriage situation.

 

I personally have mixed feelings about dating women in family situations, because it's never really worked for me. But, I'm sure you'll have better luck than I.

Jeremy, that's why I asked for advice, so I could hear from people in similar positons - your experience is appreciated.

 

What would your advice be?

[lostfan]

Being a step-parent is a real pain in the ass.

[knightni]

Jeremy, that's why I asked for advice, so I could hear from people in similar positons - your experience is appreciated.

 

What would your advice be?

It can be hard for a single woman to trust a new man who has not been in their family.

She is used to being independent. Because of that, she may be unwilling to bend to meet you "halfway."

 

If you want to succeed in joining their family, you have to be willing to be the one to change your life in order to fit into their family schedule.

 

Don't overdo the getting friendly with the kids thing; just be there as often as possible for her.

 

Eventually, she will realize that she not only wants you around, she needs you around; and she misses you when you aren't around.

[iamshack]

It can be hard for a single woman to trust a new man who has not been in their family.

She is used to being independent. Because of that, she may be unwilling to bend to meet you "halfway."

 

If you want to succeed in joining their family, you have to be willing to be the one to change your life in order to fit into their family schedule.

 

Don't overdo the getting friendly with the kids thing; just be there as often as possible for her.

 

Eventually, she will realize that she not only wants you around, she needs you around; and she misses you when you aren't around.

Oh trust me, I have already made soooo many changes... I definitely am the one making adjustments to fit into their schedule.

 

I try to respond to the kids when they seem to be looking for my attention. Definitely not going to be the one forcing the issue.

 

Things are going well, and she has already mentioned things to me about us making a good family, etc., but I know the difficult part comes when I actually have to start playing an active role.

 

I guess I can worry about that when the times comes though...

[flippedoutpunk]

Anyone ever date someone whose entire family seemingly disliked you from day one for no apparent reason? Ive been baffled by my partners family for quite some time now.. At first they didnt like the fact that I was in the military and living on a base in New York, because supposedly i was going buck wild and cheating left and right out there in my unit full of guys. Then i finally come to chicago to meet the whole gang and its all smiles and laughs until i leave and then its all criticisms and judgements.

 

I dont consider myself a bad guy. I know how to watch what I say and I pride myself in being very good at gauging peoples reactions and quickly finding out what type of person someone is. Anyways long story short, these people dislike me with a passion for some baffling reason? My partner and I ran into some choppy waters a while back and took a break from each other and the family like, celebrated the fact. You would think I was a serial rapist or something! After 4 years of being in the Army and being in Iraq and all i figured i would take a little break from working once i got home, and her family thought I was a huge dirtbag that doesnt want to work and live off of unemployment for the rest of my life.

 

Im just trying to find the best course of action.. I would absolutely LOVE to just avoid these people all together, but its her family.. They know that i know that they do not like me, but when im around them im as friendly as can be and make sure to talk to everyone and just well.. be normal i guess you can say, because id love to fix things with these people and get them off of my back. But alas, everytime i think im making progress, the day after my partner will tell me about all the things they were criticizing me about.. its enough to drive a brotha mad i tells ya! I have never met a person in my life that disliked me so it irks me that her entire family thinks im some sort of dirtbag!

[iamshack]

I wrote about my first love previously in this thread, and this was how things were with her family. I knew they never thought I was good enough for her, and I never cared much for them either. It was such an obstacle that I just decided I simply could not ever be with her. We dated several different times, and I think every time it would get serious enough to where I would have to be exposed to her family, things sort of unravelled from that point.

 

In the end, I just could not date a girl that I think otherwise, I very well could have married.

[flippedoutpunk]

I wrote about my first love previously in this thread, and this was how things were with her family. I knew they never thought I was good enough for her, and I never cared much for them either. It was such an obstacle that I just decided I simply could not ever be with her. We dated several different times, and I think every time it would get serious enough to where I would have to be exposed to her family, things sort of unravelled from that point.

 

In the end, I just could not date a girl that I think otherwise, I very well could have married.

 

yeah i hear ya. Whenever im hangin around her family its just like watching Meet the Parents.. One funny moment was when we were all having dinner at a restaurant, the girls had their wine, and the guys had their beer. I ordered a delirium tremmens (beer) and the next day my partner was telling me that her mother was calling me an alcoholic because i drink crazy beer and that I will most likely end up beating her if we ever get married.. i just had, one, beer.... it makes me laugh at times, and i do get a rise out of pissing the family off now because of this long term battle thats been going on between us. But i do understand its her family and i have to respect them no matter how many times they try showing me signs that they truly believe im a dirtbag loser that doesnt deserve to step foot in their houses.

[iamshack]

Man, I need you guys here in Vegas...I am trying to pick a restaurant for Saturday night and there are just SO many....don't know what to go with...

[flippedoutpunk]

Man, I need you guys here in Vegas...I am trying to pick a restaurant for Saturday night and there are just SO many....don't know what to go with...

 

www.yelp.com always works for me when im traveling

[bigruss]

In terms of dating a person with children, my current girlfriend's biological dad was in prison for most of her life and what she does remember was him being an asshole to her mother, so she didnt have a father until her stepdad came into her life when she was around 10.

 

He is a great guy, and she loves him (and so does her younger sister). Problem is though, he didnt want to be an enforcer early on in their first years living together, as he didnt feel it was his place. In the past two years though he was starting to bring out his opinions more and trying to enforce them and be a real dad (gf is at college now, and her sister is a senior in HS). Well, this didnt go over so well with her sister or her mom and now they are divorced.

 

So my advice is if you are going to be put in the position of a father figure, make sure you have the ability to have your say. I dont expect kids to just forget their real father and replace them if they dont want to, but alot of drama can come up if you dont position yourself early on in your ideals and rules.

[bigruss]

yeah i hear ya. Whenever im hangin around her family its just like watching Meet the Parents.. One funny moment was when we were all having dinner at a restaurant, the girls had their wine, and the guys had their beer. I ordered a delirium tremmens (beer) and the next day my partner was telling me that her mother was calling me an alcoholic because i drink crazy beer and that I will most likely end up beating her if we ever get married.. i just had, one, beer.... it makes me laugh at times, and i do get a rise out of pissing the family off now because of this long term battle thats been going on between us. But i do understand its her family and i have to respect them no matter how many times they try showing me signs that they truly believe im a dirtbag loser that doesnt deserve to step foot in their houses.

My family is actually the one weary of my girlfriend, adds way to much unneeded drama into my life. Now my girlfriend cries to me how much my family hates her and my parents dont understand her viewpoint at all. Its crazy because my brother is a mess when it comes to dating (hes 23 and probably has had like 3 dates in his life, and thats not an exaggeration). They are always pushing him to get a date but when I have a girlfriend they try to avoid her or make it her feel distant from the family.

[flippedoutpunk]

My family is actually the one weary of my girlfriend, adds way to much unneeded drama into my life. Now my girlfriend cries to me how much my family hates her and my parents dont understand her viewpoint at all. Its crazy because my brother is a mess when it comes to dating (hes 23 and probably has had like 3 dates in his life, and thats not an exaggeration). They are always pushing him to get a date but when I have a girlfriend they try to avoid her or make it her feel distant from the family.

 

yeah thats sort of the spot im in. Theres no changing the family's feelings unless i come up with a 20k dollar engagement ring and promise that she doesnt have to ever get a job cause ill support her for the rest of her life.. which is all very unrealistic

[iamshack]

In terms of dating a person with children, my current girlfriend's biological dad was in prison for most of her life and what she does remember was him being an asshole to her mother, so she didnt have a father until her stepdad came into her life when she was around 10.

 

He is a great guy, and she loves him (and so does her younger sister). Problem is though, he didnt want to be an enforcer early on in their first years living together, as he didnt feel it was his place. In the past two years though he was starting to bring out his opinions more and trying to enforce them and be a real dad (gf is at college now, and her sister is a senior in HS). Well, this didnt go over so well with her sister or her mom and now they are divorced.

 

So my advice is if you are going to be put in the position of a father figure, make sure you have the ability to have your say. I dont expect kids to just forget their real father and replace them if they dont want to, but alot of drama can come up if you dont position yourself early on in your ideals and rules.

Yeah, that is the thing - everything is fine and dandy when you can be Mr. Nice Guy all the time, but when you actually have to start making tough decisions, it's "You're not my dad!"

 

I'm treading very carefully...

[FlaSoxxJim]

yeah thats sort of the spot im in. Theres no changing the family's feelings unless i come up with a 20k dollar engagement ring and promise that she doesnt have to ever get a job cause ill support her for the rest of her life.. which is all very unrealistic

 

 

If my daughter's fiance (long time off thankfully) gave her a $20k ring I would know he is an irresponsible idiot who would let the two of them spend themselves into the poor house.

[Kyyle23]

Yeah, that is the thing - everything is fine and dandy when you can be Mr. Nice Guy all the time, but when you actually have to start making tough decisions, it's "You're not my dad!"

I'm treading very carefully...

 

i am waiting for it. I havent heard it yet, but inevitably it will come some day. I grew up with a stepmom and stepdad, so I can relate and I feel I will be fine when it happens, it just is the way things happen.

 

With you its different because the kids are older. Dont worry about making tough decisions at this point, your GF shouldnt be putting those in your lap for quite a while.

[FlaSoxxJim]

Send the lot of 'em off to Oates Military Academy. That's what you do with stepchildren. It's the modern version of Cinderella.

[RockRaines]

We's some f***ed up people on here huh?

[Kyyle23]

We's some f***ed up people on here huh?

 

Yet we all have the same story with minor variations

[Chisoxfn]

If my daughter's fiance (long time off thankfully) gave her a $20k ring I would know he is an irresponsible idiot who would let the two of them spend themselves into the poor house.

Unless, his poor house was an ocean front estate with a yardhouse selection of beers on tap and a submarine for your use!

[FlaSoxxJim]

Unless, his poor house was an ocean front estate with a yardhouse selection of beers on tap and a submarine for your use!

 

Well, yeah, in that case. . .

 

[The Beast]

So last night I had the idea of going to the Ji Jitsu club on campus because it said no experience required. When we finished learning techniques for the evening, we did some freestyle and I had to sit out since that was my first session. Luckily, all of the girls that were there were sitting too so I sat and talked to them. Most were transfer students and one of them is close by to me. Started chatting her up, facebooked her and spoke to her later that night. Long story short before I left I asked what her plans were for the weekend and she and her friend are going to a bar/club nearby on Saturday. I had to get off the computer so I left her my number and she responded with hers, something that she hinted at wanting to do online. Turns out that we have a lot in common so rapport has already been established. So tomorrow I'm going to contact her and see what time she's going up there and when I get there with my wingman (for her friend who is celebrating her birthday a week late) I'm going to sit and buy her drinks and go dancing at the club. Should be a good time.

[SoxAce]

I had the shortest relationship of my life with a girl who had a kid. It lasted less than two weeks. All she ever talked about was her f***ing kid, and I just wanted to tell her that I didn't give a s***.

 

Haha mine was like that, but alittle different. It only lasted 2 weeks as well, but she was pregnant.. And of course it was a two week relationship (didn't have sex with her.. yet.. ), so obviously it wasn't mine. I had to dip-set with the quickness with that.

Edited February 26, 2010 by SoxAce

[iamshack]

Haha mine was like that, but alittle different. It only lasted 2 weeks as well, but she was pregnant.. And of course it was a two week relationship (didn't have sex with her.. yet.. ), so obviously it wasn't mine. I had to dip-set with the quickness with that.

You dirty dog, you...