Relationship Advice Thread

[G&T]

Because of the number of marriages that end in divorce, and quickly, at that.

 

That's because people get married too young. Marriage before age 25 is not smart.

[bigruss]

That's because people get married too young. Marriage before age 25 is not smart.

I dont have the data to back it up but past generations seemed to get married before 25 quite often and never had as many problems in divorce as are seeing now (atleast so it seems).

 

Is it more of a generational gap?

[BrenBlackwood]

Because of the number of marriages that end in divorce, and quickly, at that.

 

 

I said "if you're going to spend your life with someone" ..meaning, you aren't going to give up and throw in the towel like a little wiener who runs at the first sign of hard times.

[BigSqwert]

I dont have the data to back it up but past generations seemed to get married before 25 quite often and never had as many problems in divorce as are seeing now (atleast so it seems).

 

Is it more of a generational gap?

 

I don't know if that's right but back then divorce was frowned upon and a wife getting beaten on a daily basis felt forced to stick through the marriage.

 

[FlaSoxxJim]

I do believe that if you are dating someone then you should be loyal to them and all that jazz, but if youre not a religious person what more does marriage do for you besides the tax benefits (I believe there are some, I could be wrong).

 

I mean, why dont people just say that they are committed to each other, why make it such a big deal and so complicated with a marriage. I would much prefer to be in a committed relationship than a marriage because if it ever does fall apart (which many of them do) than you dont have the mess.

 

A marriage is a front for a committed relationship most of the time anyways, its a way to show youre committed but really doesnt mean anything alot of the time.

 

it's about way more than tax benefits. Legal status as parents, legal enttlement to insurance coverage, inheritance, alimony, the ability to cosign on loans, family rights in end of life decisions, etc., and the list goes on.

[BrenBlackwood]

I dont have the data to back it up but past generations seemed to get married before 25 quite often and never had as many problems in divorce as are seeing now (atleast so it seems).

 

Is it more of a generational gap?

 

 

Divorce was frowned upon and people just didn't do it. These days, people don't care ..they get married and divorced 4-5 times in their lives ...I think it's disgusting what people have turned marriage into. If you're not going to actually be there for better or for worse then don't say that you will be ...that just makes you a liar and a fat mouth.

[BrenBlackwood]

it's about way more than tax benefits. Legal status as parents, legal enttlement to insurance coverage, inheritance, alimony, the ability to cosign on loans, family rights in end of life decisions, etc., and the list goes on.

 

 

THANK YOU! One of the points I already tried to make!

[iamshack]

I said "if you're going to spend your life with someone" ..meaning, you aren't going to give up and throw in the towel like a little wiener who runs at the first sign of hard times.

Everyone who gets married thinks they are going to spend their life with someone though...the problem is, people are usually wrong...

[BrenBlackwood]

I don't know if that's right but back then divorce was frowned upon and a wife getting beaten on a daily basis felt forced to stick through the marriage.

 

 

I don't believe in divorce, but that doesn't mean that I don't think you should know your partner well enough to know what you'll be living with for the rest of your life! If she's getting beat after marriage, chances are it started wayyy before they tied the knot!

[bigruss]

Should marriage really be a part of everyday factors such as the ability to cosign a loan, have joint custody, etc?

 

I mean, if a person doesnt want to get married should they really have the disadvantage that the system creates? Not everybody will want the marriage label put on themselves even though they are in a committed relationship.

 

Just kinda thinking out loud here.

[bigruss]

Everyone who gets married thinks they are going to spend their life with someone though...the problem is, people are usually wrong...

Exactly, so what if a person feels like this is eventually going to happen and doesnt want the mess of it, should they lose the rights that every marriage couple receives even though both are just as likely to "break up" at a future point?

[BrenBlackwood]

Everyone who gets married thinks they are going to spend their life with someone though...the problem is, people are usually wrong...

 

 

That's not true at all. My kids' dad cheated on me with the daycare teacher 2 1/2 years ago ..they just had their first child and got married in April ...she is miserable and knew before she got married to him that it probably would not work out. She did it for the baby! I believe you have to have better reasons to make that kind of commitment to someone. He cheats on her all the time and she just deals with it ...stupid decision on her part IMO, but it's whatever. If they get divorced neither of them OR anyone else will be shocked by it. You can tell when people actually, really, truly love each other ..with them, I hate to say it, but it's just not there. Never should have married.

[iamshack]

Divorce was frowned upon and people just didn't do it. These days, people don't care ..they get married and divorced 4-5 times in their lives ...I think it's disgusting what people have turned marriage into. If you're not going to actually be there for better or for worse then don't say that you will be ...that just makes you a liar and a fat mouth.

Let me ask you this, Bren...yes, divorce was frowned upon, but the same problems we have now still existed then. People just didn't talk about them as openly because it was a social stigma to be divorced. So if we're admitting that the same bad symptoms still existed, only that the overall problem wasn't dealt with because of a social stigma, is that really any better?

 

Again, should you really put yourselves through the really bad times in the name of marriage? Is a legal title really worth being unhappy over? What is wrong with human beings not staying with a partner for their entire lives? What about that is fundamentally wrong?

 

You're arguing that people should "stick it out" for the sake of upholding some tradition and a legal title.

 

Maybe, just maybe, that tradition is foolish? Maybe that legal title is silly, if you have to be unhappy for any significant amount of time to uphold it.

 

Is this a challenge of who can put up with the most unhappiness in the name of refusing to admit they made a poor decision in the past?

 

It just makes so little sense to me...it seems like going through a whole lot of trouble for something so unimportant...wouldn't it be much easier to just throw out the silly tradition and be with a partner for as long as you want to be with them? And then when you no longer do, then you leave? Why is that inherently bad?

[iamshack]

That's not true at all. My kids' dad cheated on me with the daycare teacher 2 1/2 years ago ..they just had their first child and got married in April ...she is miserable and knew before she got married to him that it probably would not work out. She did it for the baby! I believe you have to have better reasons to make that kind of commitment to someone. He cheats on her all the time and she just deals with it ...stupid decision on her part IMO, but it's whatever. If they get divorced neither of them OR anyone else will be shocked by it. You can tell when people actually, really, truly love each other ..with them, I hate to say it, but it's just not there. Never should have married.

Ok, there are cases like that, but the vast majority of divorces are people who honestly believed they wanted to be with one another but were either just wrong, or are bad in relationships.

 

I think most people, when they stand on that alter or in the courthouse, honestly do believe they will be married for the rest of their life to that person.

[G&T]

Should marriage really be a part of everyday factors such as the ability to cosign a loan, have joint custody, etc?

 

I mean, if a person doesnt want to get married should they really have the disadvantage that the system creates? Not everybody will want the marriage label put on themselves even though they are in a committed relationship.

 

Just kinda thinking out loud here.

 

Domestic partner rights are quite common in states. Not so much federally.

[G&T]

Ok, there are cases like that, but the vast majority of divorces are people who honestly believed they wanted to be with one another but were either just wrong, or are bad in relationships.

 

I think most people, when they stand on that alter or in the courthouse, honestly do believe they will be married for the rest of their life to that person.

 

This is the problem with getting married young. They aren't prepared for real problems. Money being number one, but health problems as well.

[iamshack]

Domestic partner rights are quite common in states. Not so much federally.

Can't anyone co-sign a loan for you? It doesn't have to be your spouse, does it?

[G&T]

Can't anyone co-sign a loan for you? It doesn't have to be your spouse, does it?

 

Probably depends on the lender but yes as long as the person has adequate assets.

[BrenBlackwood]

Let me ask you this, Bren...yes, divorce was frowned upon, but the same problems we have now still existed then. People just didn't talk about them as openly because it was a social stigma to be divorced. So if we're admitting that the same bad symptoms still existed, only that the overall problem wasn't dealt with because of a social stigma, is that really any better?

 

Again, should you really put yourselves through the really bad times in the name of marriage? Is a legal title really worth being unhappy over? What is wrong with human beings not staying with a partner for their entire lives? What about that is fundamentally wrong?

 

You're arguing that people should "stick it out" for the sake of upholding some tradition and a legal title.

 

Maybe, just maybe, that tradition is foolish? Maybe that legal title is silly, if you have to be unhappy for any significant amount of time to uphold it.

 

Is this a challenge of who can put up with the most unhappiness in the name of refusing to admit they made a poor decision in the past?

 

It just makes so little sense to me...it seems like going through a whole lot of trouble for something so unimportant...wouldn't it be much easier to just throw out the silly tradition and be with a partner for as long as you want to be with them? And then when you no longer do, then you leave? Why is that inherently bad?

 

 

If there are problems that are so horrible that you need to get a divorce over them, more than likely they existed before the marriage and should have been dealt with way before they even considered the thought of marriage. That's what I mean when I say people don't take it seriously ...I have been in bad relationships, ok relationships and relationships that I thought were good ...I have been proposed to more than once, but never felt that it would work with anyone except Chase. It didn't mean that I didn't want to be with those people at that time, just that I didn't see it lasting forever. I didn't say "ok, yeah I'll marry you" just because I was happy at the time and hoped it would last ..I want long term happiness and with them I just didn't see it going that far. I have zero reservations about marrying Chase because I know how we are together, I know how happy I am when I'm with him and there's not a place we go that people around us don't see it too. I know him well enough to know that nothing we encounter is going to be enough to make me want to break my commitment to him. Basically.. I believe, when you know, ya know. I don't believe that everyone that gets married enters into it with as much confidence as you should have when making that commitment ..that's why people get divorced. I couldn't tell you how many divorced couples I know that say "I knew from the beginning, blah blah blah" ..IF YOU KNEW, WHY DID YOU DO IT?!?!? The answer is always the same ..."I hoped he/she would change." I would never commit my life to someone in hopes of anything.

[iamshack]

If there are problems that are so horrible that you need to get a divorce over them, more than likely they existed before the marriage and should have been dealt with way before they even considered the thought of marriage. That's what I mean when I say people don't take it seriously ...I have been in bad relationships, ok relationships and relationships that I thought were good ...I have been proposed to more than once, but never felt that it would work with anyone except Chase. It didn't mean that I didn't want to be with those people at that time, just that I didn't see it lasting forever. I didn't say "ok, yeah I'll marry you" just because I was happy at the time and hoped it would last ..I want long term happiness and with them I just didn't see it going that far. I have zero reservations about marrying Chase because I know how we are together, I know how happy I am when I'm with him and there's not a place we go that people around us don't see it too. I know him well enough to know that nothing we encounter is going to be enough to make me want to break my commitment to him. Basically.. I believe, when you know, ya know. I don't believe that everyone that gets married enters into it with as much confidence as you should have when making that commitment ..that's why people get divorced. I couldn't tell you how many divorced couples I know that say "I knew from the beginning, blah blah blah" ..IF YOU KNEW, WHY DID YOU DO IT?!?!? The answer is always the same ..."I hoped he/she would change." I would never commit my life to someone in hopes of anything.

Bren,

That's great!

But you didn't answer any of my questions!

[BrenBlackwood]

Come back here in a few years and we'll see. I don't mean that to be a jerk, but how many people do you think came before you and said the same thing only to get divorced?

 

 

HAHAHA you don't know anything about me or Chase. If you spent a week with us, you would see where I was coming from! I am not one of those people that think it's right for everyone, I do know how I am and how I feel though. I come from a broken family, Chase's parents have been married for 28 years and only dated for 5 months before they tied the knot and they get along better than most couples I know ...that goes back to, when you know, ya know!! I won't be "coming back" in a few years ...I will still be here in a few years and you guys will see! I'm sure a lot of people have said the same thing, but those people weren't as dedicated as I'm willing/going to be. I fought with all I had to keep a relationship together that wasn't worth s*** ..Chase treats me like I'm God's gift to him so I don't see me ever finding anything better. Why would I trade down? And if he should some day decide that he doesn't want to be with me (never going to happen) ..I will stalk him!! LOL JUST KIDDING ...kind of!

 

I don't care if you guys believe in marriage or if you don't ...I do and I'm happy so whatever your preference, if that's what tickles your pickle, great for you!

 

Now ..I would like to karate chop the guy who even brought this subject up right in the ear!

[iamshack]

HAHAHA you don't know anything about me or Chase. If you spent a week with us, you would see where I was coming from! I am not one of those people that think it's right for everyone, I do know how I am and how I feel though. I come from a broken family, Chase's parents have been married for 28 years and only dated for 5 months before they tied the knot and they get along better than most couples I know ...that goes back to, when you know, ya know!! I won't be "coming back" in a few years ...I will still be here in a few years and you guys will see! I'm sure a lot of people have said the same thing, but those people weren't as dedicated as I'm willing/going to be. I fought with all I had to keep a relationship together that wasn't worth s*** ..Chase treats me like I'm God's gift to him so I don't see me ever finding anything better. Why would I trade down? And if he should some day decide that he doesn't want to be with me (never going to happen) ..I will stalk him!! LOL JUST KIDDING ...kind of!

 

I don't care if you guys believe in marriage or if you don't ...I do and I'm happy so whatever your preference, if that's what tickles your pickle, great for you!

 

Now ..I would like to karate chop the guy who even brought this subject up right in the ear!

Let me put it to you this way, Bren.

Say Chase said he didn't believe in marriage, because he was raised not to (or because he believed he would turn into a smurf if he got married, it doesn't matter). But he still wanted to spend his life with you. Would you not be with him because he didn't want to get married? Would your relationship with him mean any less to you?

[BrenBlackwood]

See, that's what I'm saying. You have no way of knowing that at all, and the odds are that a whole lot of people thought that before they got married.

 

And it's not like I don't believe in marriage. It works for some people and it doesn't for others. I don't know a thing about it.

 

 

But that's them, not me. I put my mind and heart into something and I don't give up ...that's just me!

 

I went from a straight up, party animal, drink every night of the week, Jager queen type of girl ..to someone who hasn't touched a drop of Jager in 5 1/2 months, just to make him comfortable and to ensure that this would work with him being so far away. It was no problem for me at all.

Edited August 3, 2010 by girlslikebaseballtoo#26

[BrenBlackwood]

Let me put it to you this way, Bren.

Say Chase said he didn't believe in marriage, because he was raised not to (or because he believed he would turn into a smurf if he got married, it doesn't matter). But he still wanted to spend his life with you. Would you not be with him because he didn't want to get married? Would your relationship with him mean any less to you?

 

 

Absolutely not. I love Chase with every fiber of my being, I would be with him as long as he was faithful to me and still treated me the way he does now. I was never saying you have to be married to be happy with someone ..I was just saying that if you really love that person I don't see why you wouldn't marry them. I would turn into a smurf for Chase ...smurfette is completely adorable!

[G&T]

This is a fun thread for those of us about to get married.