Relationship Advice Thread

[Reddy]

The biggest lie people love to repeat is that marriage/relationships is/are hard. No they aren't. They're easy if you're with the right person. EASY. If you have to "try" to be in a relationship or marriage, you shouldn't be in it.

 

my parents have been together over 30 years, and in the last year or two went through a really rough patch because my dad had a huge career opportunity, but it required he move across the country. my mom didn't want to give up her life in Iowa. Tell me that wasn't hard on them. Tell me that should have been an EASY thing to deal with.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Reddy

[Reddy]

You sound like a true pro that just took a few college courses in the social arts and now you're going to tell everyone what's what by regurgitating a few simplistic talking points you probably heard from an episode of Dr. f*** Phil.

 

you're pretty hostile about all this for no reason... Dr. Phil might say you're "projecting".

[Y2HH]

depends on how you qualify "successful". I'd say all my relationships have been successful to a point, because I've learned a hell of a lot from each of them. Moreover I'm not a typical hit it and quit it guy. I've only been in two serious relationships in my adult years, both lasting a couple years. I'm a serial monogamist, so while no, I have not been married, I DO understand - at least a little bit - about what it takes to have a happy and healthy relationship. Am I still learning? Hell yes. Is everyone constantly learning, even someone who's been in a 25 year marriage, another hell yes. I understand that it's not all rainbows and unicorns. I understand how much WORK a good partnership takes. And I also understand that unless you're completely honest with that partner, that already rough road gets even rockier.

 

where am i off base?

 

You're off base in that you think open communication and honesty is 99% of making a marriage or relationship work. It's not. That's a simplistic Dr. Phil way of looking at relationships. It's a talking point that people love to hear because if it were true, it would be a simple solution to all of their problems AND it would make every single person on the planet compatible: "All of your problems will be solved by open communication!" Wrong. You're problems only exist because you're incompatible as people, and communicating those incompatibilities doesn't fix them.

 

Finding a person that's actually compatible with you is the hard part...the part nobody talks about. Most people try to jam their incompatible selves into a relationship because a few superficial things happen to mesh for them...namely attractiveness, and then think they can overcome those incompatibles just by talking about them, or worse, thinking that they'll change the person.

 

Where you ARE right, however is that open/honest communication CAN prevent you from entering into a relationship with an incompatible mate. But that requires the communication to be open and honest BEFORE the relationship begins...and therein lies the rub. Most couples in the early phase of meeting each other are in an excited state and tend to only talk about "good" things...things people like to hear...or things they ARE compatible with. It's not until later they figure out what their true incompatibilities are.

[StrangeSox]

Communication can bring issues to the surface before they fester and rot, but that doesn't mean every issue is resolvable.

[Reddy]

Communication can bring issues to the surface before they fester and rot, but that doesn't mean every issue is resolvable.

this.

 

festering and rotting are what lead to cheating more often than not.

[Y2HH]

this.

 

festering and rotting are what lead to cheating more often than not.

 

Again, lack of self control are what lead to cheating...always. Festering and rotting is simply the excuse they'll use when caught.

[StrangeSox]

Doesn't that assume a desire to cheat in everyone, though? That doesn't seem right.

[Reddy]

You're off base in that you think open communication and honesty is 99% of making a marriage or relationship work. It's not. That's a simplistic Dr. Phil way of looking at relationships. It's a talking point that people love to hear because if it were true, it would be a simple solution to all of their problems AND it would make every single person on the planet compatible: "All of your problems will be solved by open communication!" Wrong. You're problems only exist because you're incompatible as people, and communicating those incompatibilities doesn't fix them.

 

Finding a person that's actually compatible with you is the hard part...the part nobody talks about. Most people try to jam their incompatible selves into a relationship because a few superficial things happen to mesh for them...namely attractiveness, and then think they can overcome those incompatibles just by talking about them, or worse, thinking that they'll change the person.

 

Where you ARE right, however is that open/honest communication CAN prevent you from entering into a relationship with an incompatible mate. But that requires the communication to be open and honest BEFORE the relationship begins...and therein lies the rub. Most couples in the early phase of meeting each other are in an excited state and tend to only talk about "good" things...things people like to hear...or things they ARE compatible with. It's not until later they figure out what their true incompatibilities are.

 

sir, i'm not sure you understand what communicating actually entails. openly talking about your fears, the things that bother you, and your weaknesses is actually one of the hardest things in the world to do - especially when you're worried about how the person you love is going to react. the fact that my recent ex DIDN'T communicate well with me months ago is the reason we're going through all this now. (that said, we're currently communicating better than ever and things are actually looking pretty good for us down the road).

 

you say I live in Dr. Phil land, you live in mystical "the one" land where you will someday find that ONE person who is PERFECTLY compatible with you and you'll never fight and you'll live all Leave it to Beaver happily ever after.

 

please.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Reddy

[Reddy]

Again, lack of self control are what lead to cheating...always. Festering and rotting is simply the excuse they'll use when caught.

lack of self control wouldn't even come into the equation if the festering and rotting hadn't happened first.

 

and StrangeSox you're right, I don't think it's a universal thing. I'm just saying that in situations where men (or women) cheat, it can all be traced back to a genesis of bad communication.

[StrangeSox]

I admit that I read about half of one of y2hh's posts before responding, I haven't really been following the conversation.

[Reddy]

I admit that I read about half of one of y2hh's posts before responding, I haven't really been following the conversation.

He's just sitting in his rocker yelling expletives at the young whipper snapper who values communication, while his wife bakes him a pie.

[iamshack]

Doesn't that assume a desire to cheat in everyone, though? That doesn't seem right.

You don't think that is the case?

[Y2HH]

Doesn't that assume a desire to cheat in everyone, though? That doesn't seem right.

 

Two different but related things going on here... 1) People don't have an inherent desire to "cheat"/hurt their partner by doing so. 2) People DO have the natural instinctive desire to want sex with people they're attracted too, it's hard wired into our survivalist DNA. Acting on that instinct/desire, however, is where the self control/human part of it comes in. That's where the promises/vows come in...promises you agree to honor upon entering a relationship/marriage. Unfortunately, our basic instincts exist within us...we can deny them, but they're there.

[Y2HH]

sir, i'm not sure you understand what communicating actually entails. openly talking about your fears, the things that bother you, and your weaknesses is actually one of the hardest things in the world to do - especially when you're worried about how the person you love is going to react. the fact that my recent ex DIDN'T communicate well with me months ago is the reason we're going through all this now. (that said, we're currently communicating better than ever and things are actually looking pretty good for us down the road).

 

you say I live in Dr. Phil land, you live in mystical "the one" land where you will someday find that ONE person who is PERFECTLY compatible with you and you'll never fight and you'll live all Leave it to Beaver happily ever after.

 

please.

 

Actually I do understand them...because I've been in a successful relationship that turned into a marriage (now with children). And it's not hard. It's easy...and it's awesome...and it's fun.

[Kyyle23]

As a friend of mine once told me, "Just because you are on a diet, doesnt mean you cannot look at the menu."

 

I think every man and woman thinks about it, acting on it is a completely different animal.

[Reddy]

Actually I do understand them...because I've been in a successful relationship that turned into a marriage (now with children). And it's not hard. It's easy...and it's awesome...and it's fun.

I refer you back to my post on the last page about my parents. please explain how that should have been an easy situation.

[Y2HH]

sir, i'm not sure you understand what communicating actually entails. openly talking about your fears, the things that bother you, and your weaknesses is actually one of the hardest things in the world to do - especially when you're worried about how the person you love is going to react. the fact that my recent ex DIDN'T communicate well with me months ago is the reason we're going through all this now. (that said, we're currently communicating better than ever and things are actually looking pretty good for us down the road).

 

you say I live in Dr. Phil land, you live in mystical "the one" land where you will someday find that ONE person who is PERFECTLY compatible with you and you'll never fight and you'll live all Leave it to Beaver happily ever after.

 

please.

 

Also, stop putting words in my mouth -- highlighted text.

 

I never said this. You just did/made it up.

 

Nobody is 100% compatible...but there are incompatibilities and then there are INCOMPATIBILITIES.

 

Me not eating meat while my wife does (hypothetical) is an incompatibility.

 

Me wanting to be monogamous and my wife loving to sleep around/have an open sexual relationship outside of our marriage is an INCOMPATIBILITY.

 

There are incompatibilities you can overcome, because they're minor...and ones you will never overcome...

 

[StrangeSox]

Other animals mate for life with some pairs cheating, some not, so it isn't necessarily a human thing.

 

I guess I don't define "desire to cheat" the same as "finding someone attractive."

[farmteam]

As a friend of mine once told me, "Just because you are on a diet, doesnt mean you cannot look at the menu."

 

I think every man and woman thinks about it, acting on it is a completely different animal.

Like Howard Wolowitz said, "Bernadette doesn't care where I get my motor running, as long as I park it in the right garage."

[farmteam]

Other animals mate for life with some pairs cheating, some not, so it isn't necessarily a human thing.

 

I guess I don't define "desire to cheat" the same as "finding someone attractive."

Wait, people actually do? That seems absurd.

[Reddy]

Also, stop putting words in my mouth -- highlighted text.

 

I never said this. You just did/made it up.

 

Nobody is 100% compatible...but there are incompatibilities and then there are INCOMPATIBILITIES.

 

Me not eating meat while my wife does (hypothetical) is an incompatibility.

 

Me wanting to be monogamous and my wife loving to sleep around/have an open sexual relationship outside of our marriage is an INCOMPATIBILITY.

 

There are incompatibilities you can overcome, because they're minor...and ones you will never overcome...

 

so you think that wanting to cheat is something you're born with and not a choice? you're also pro-gay rights correct? i just want to make sure you're consistent.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Reddy

[iamshack]

Like Howard Wolowitz said, "Bernadette doesn't care where I get my motor running, as long as I park it in the right garage."

Hah...that is a good one.

[Y2HH]

I refer you back to my post on the last page about my parents. please explain how that should have been an easy situation.

 

It again comes to compatibilities...your parents found themselves in a moderate incompatibility. As I highlighted above, certain incompatibilities can be overcome...such as this one for example. Others cannot be. There is a scale/degree of incompatibility, something a lot of people want to ignore.

 

For me, specifically, this would have been a complete non issue...my career isn't very important to me.

[Reddy]

It again comes to compatibilities...your parents found themselves in a moderate incompatibility. As I highlighted above, certain incompatibilities can be overcome...such as this one for example. Others cannot be. There is a scale/degree of incompatibility, something a lot of people want to ignore.

 

For me, specifically, this would have been a complete non issue...my career isn't very important to me.

 

what you SAID though, was that if two people are right for each other (compatible) that it should be EASY.

 

It isn't always easy. No matter what.

 

If your life has been easy, and you're happy, then more power to you. You're the exception - not the rule.

[Y2HH]

so you think that wanting to cheat is something you're born with and not a choice? you're also pro-gay rights correct? i just want to make sure you're consistent.

 

No, I already went over this.

 

People aren't born "wanting to cheat"...people are born, however, "programmed to want sex with people they are attracted too". It's not like people are born looking to get into a relationship just so they can cheat. Heh. They're born wanting sex whether they're in a relationship or not.

 

Yes, I'm pro-gay rights because it's a compete non-issue to me...it shouldn't even be something people discuss...sexual preference should have nothing to do with a persons "rights". People make it an issue, which is the only reason it's an issue. It's akin to a child believing that they're safe from monsters because their blankets are like force fields. They create the issue (monsters) and the solutions (force field blankets) when the issue doesn't actually exist to begin with.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Y2HH