Relationship Advice Thread

[witesoxfan]

To be fair, you can say lack of self-control leads to all self-inflicting problems in life. Why did he die of lung cancer? Lack of self-control. Why did he cheat on his wife? Lack of control. Why did the guy murder his family? Lack of self-control.

 

You're not wrong, but there are underlying reasons for the lack of self-control. Lack of self-control itself is very vague and can be triggered for any number of reasons. Sometimes it's a lack of communication, sometimes it's boredom, sometimes it's because a guy is too horny to control himself.

 

You're both right...again.

 

(I feel like most arguments end this way)

[Y2HH]

what you SAID though, was that if two people are right for each other (compatible) that it should be EASY.

 

It isn't always easy. No matter what.

 

If your life has been easy, and you're happy, then more power to you. You're the exception - not the rule.

 

There is a degree of compatibility...the point remains there are incompatibilities that can be overcome, and some that cannot be. I never said they'd all be easy.

[Y2HH]

To be fair, you can say lack of self-control leads to all self-inflicting problems in life. Why did he die of lung cancer? Lack of self-control. Why did he cheat on his wife? Lack of control. Why did the guy murder his family? Lack of self-control.

 

You're not wrong, but there are underlying reasons for the lack of self-control. Lack of self-control itself is very vague and can be triggered for any number of reasons. Sometimes it's a lack of communication, sometimes it's boredom, sometimes it's because a guy is too horny to control himself.

 

You're both right...again.

 

(I feel like most arguments end this way)

 

Hey, don't get into the middle of this.

 

Arguing with Reddy is like arguing with Y2HH. We are quite similar in this regard. And it's a challenge and fun.

 

Also, to touch on your points...some of what you said I agree with, but not all. There are people that can do everything right -- by choice -- and still die of lung cancer. That has nothing to do with self control.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Y2HH

[StrangeSox]

As a friend of mine once told me, "Just because you are on a diet, doesnt mean you cannot look at the menu."

 

I think every man and woman thinks about it, acting on it is a completely different animal.

 

some people are legitimately asexual but that's pretty rare

[Y2HH]

some people are legitimately asexual but that's pretty rare

 

I think that is caused by a biochemical error (a gene flaw). I don't think it's something they choose.

[StrangeSox]

it's just another stop on the sexuality spectrum

[Reddy]

Hey, don't get into the middle of this.

 

Arguing with Reddy is like arguing with Y2HH. We are quite similar in this regard. And it's a challenge and fun.

 

Also, to touch on your points...some of what you said I agree with, but not all. There are people that can do everything right -- by choice -- and still die of lung cancer. That has nothing to do with self control.

uh oh, he's pulling out the third person.

 

now we're in trouble

[Reddy]

damnit this is what sucks about agreeing to disagree. that was the most exciting thread i've participated in on this site in like... months.

 

#ihatetheoffseason (when deals aren't being made)

[Y2HH]

damnit this is what sucks about agreeing to disagree. that was the most exciting thread i've participated in on this site in like... months.

 

#ihatetheoffseason (when deals aren't being made)

 

I'm not sure we ended up agreeing to disagree...I think we both came to more of an understanding as to what the other person was trying to say. That's often what's hard about forums...trying to make sure nothing get's lost in translation. Often we write small sentences and "fill in the blanks" in our own minds, assuming everyone will understand what we mean when we say something without having expand on it...but more often than not, they don't.

 

My point wasn't that communication cannot work...it's that it often doesn't work because people find out their incompatibilities are so major, communicating them doesn't and cannot fix them.

[Reddy]

I'm not sure we ended up agreeing to disagree...I think we both came to more of an understanding as to what the other person was trying to say. That's often what's hard about forums...trying to make sure nothing get's lost in translation. Often we write small sentences and "fill in the blanks" in our own minds, assuming everyone will understand what we mean when we say something without having expand on it...but more often than not, they don't.

 

My point wasn't that communication cannot work...it's that it often doesn't work because people find out their incompatibilities are so major, communicating them doesn't and cannot fix them.

that's where we were missing each other. I'm not saying communication always ends with couples staying together and being happy - but I'm saying it's necessary to see if the incompatibilities are reconcilable or not. and in those discussions 100% honesty is essential.

 

holy crap we were saying the same thing.

 

Edited December 5, 2012 by Reddy

[witesoxfan]

Hey, don't get into the middle of this.

 

Arguing with Reddy is like arguing with Y2HH. We are quite similar in this regard. And it's a challenge and fun.

 

Also, to touch on your points...some of what you said I agree with, but not all. There are people that can do everything right -- by choice -- and still die of lung cancer. That has nothing to do with self control.

 

Haha, I suppose you're right. I was implying the smoking thing, but Joe Perfect breathing in asbestos is no fault of his own.

[greg775]

Cheating has nothing to do with communication or or playing games.

 

It has to do with people having a complete lack of self control over the basic instincts built into their DNA. At it's core, it's what we are, and while we can deny that, it's reality. Just because you get married doesn't mean a switch flips and suddenly other women are no longer sexually attractive. Any married man that claims this is a stone cold liar, and any single guy that thinks this is in for a rude awakening.

 

I'm a happily married man...one thats never cheated despite having multiple chances to do so. Now, did I want too? Yes. The blood flowing in my veins didn't suddenly turned cold and blue after I pronounced 'I do'. Other women still turn me on, possibly more so than any single guy could imagine. But when I look at my life, my family, and everything surrounding it, I know I'd NEVER act on those animalistic feelings/instincts because I exercise human thought/intelligence and self control and weigh it against the sure alternative...losing my family and the way things are out of a choice is something would NEVER do for ANY reason whatsoever.

 

It's about being an evolved civilized person that doesn't cave to basic instincts that drive us at our core.

 

It's about being human and exercising that one thing we have that animals cant come close to touching. Intelligence.

 

 

I always am amazed that guys have opportunities to cheat with married women. I can see not telling a single girl you meet at the club you are married and cheat in that way. But I never get in opportunities where I could cheat with a married woman. The guys I know who cheat do so because they want a hot woman. It has nothing to do with their current wives. They are just selfish snakes who want sex with hot women. They still want their wives. They still want family life. They just want sex. They refuse to give it up even though they took a solemn vow.

Edited December 6, 2012 by greg775

[RockRaines]

I always am amazed that guys have opportunities to cheat with married women. I can see not telling a single girl you meet at the club you are married and cheat in that way. But I never get in opportunities where I could cheat with a married woman. The guys I know who cheat do so because they want a hot woman. It has nothing to do with their current wives. They are just selfish snakes who want sex with hot women. They still want their wives. They still want family life. They just want sex. They refuse to give it up even though they took a solemn vow.

They want something different basically. Doesnt even matter if shes hotter than your wife, you want something other than her.

 

Married women want the same thing, they are ignored or arent appreciated or sometimes arent getting it at home and want it from you.

[ChiSox_Sonix]

I always am amazed that guys have opportunities to cheat with married women. I can see not telling a single girl you meet at the club you are married and cheat in that way. But I never get in opportunities where I could cheat with a married woman. The guys I know who cheat do so because they want a hot woman. It has nothing to do with their current wives. They are just selfish snakes who want sex with hot women. They still want their wives. They still want family life. They just want sex. They refuse to give it up even though they took a solemn vow.

 

I met an older woman at a bar a few years ago (she was 34 or 35 and I was 24 or 25 at the time) and we hit it off and thought things might be getting somewhere. Then I found out she was married and had 2 kids so I got immediately turned off and left.

[cabiness42]

They want something different basically. Doesnt even matter if shes hotter than your wife, you want something other than her.

 

This is very true. Before I was married, the only women I would look at had big tits and were a size 10 or up. I wouldn't give a second glance to a petite woman.

 

Now that I've been married for almost ten years, I seem to notice the size 4-6 women more and more. I've managed to limit it to just "noticing" them, but it's pretty clear that no matter what you have regularly, your hormones start craving something different.

[greg775]

I had burgers tonight with the guy who was dumped by his 23 year old girlfriend of two years for a 33 year old guy with 3 kids. My friend, the one dumped, is 26 or 27.

Some of you wanted to know if she had daddy issues. Turns out no, she has a good relationship with her mom and dad. My friend did say that his ex girlfriend said she emotionally checked out of their relationship when he re-upped his lease for another year without discussing the possibility of her moving in with him. He told her if she wanted to move in she could have mentioned it and he would have been up for the idea.

 

Do you think she will tire of the divorced guy with 3 kids soon or ? My friend did tell me he paid for everything during the 2 years, including a vacation to Bahamas. He said the divorced guy with 3 kids works at the school making 22,000 a year. My friend's mom told my friend her fear is he will take her back when she comes crawling back.

Any further comments? I have listened to my friend because he said he is devastated and has thought of suicide but the thoughts were fleeting. However if those thoughts hit his mind I think the least I can do is have food with him once in a while and hear how he's doing.

Edited December 7, 2012 by greg775

[Balta1701]

If she tires of him and tries to come back, he's better off saying no.

 

If she would leave him for that...he's better off looking elsewhere and letting her be the one to figures the future out.

 

The next week or two will not be easy but once it is over, that's done and he can move on.

 

The best thing he can do is never look back even if she tries. If he gets down, buy him a drink and convince a bar band to play his favorite song. Once he is past the immediate part, the emotions let up some and be can start looking again.

[cabiness42]

My friend did say that his ex girlfriend said she emotionally checked out of their relationship when he re-upped his lease for another year without discussing the possibility of her moving in with him. He told her if she wanted to move in she could have mentioned it and he would have been up for the idea.

 

Even in today's "liberated" society, most women still expect the guy to initiate the major relationship moves, so yeah, I can definitely see how she took it as a bad sign when he renewed his lease without discussing it with her.

[witesoxfan]

If she tires of him and tries to come back, he's better off saying no.

 

If she would leave him for that...he's better off looking elsewhere and letting her be the one to figures the future out.

 

The next week or two will not be easy but once it is over, that's done and he can move on.

 

The best thing he can do is never look back even if she tries. If he gets down, buy him a drink and convince a bar band to play his favorite song. Once he is past the immediate part, the emotions let up some and be can start looking again.

 

There are times it takes longer, but this, in my mind, is a pretty obvious situation where he simply can't look back.

 

It was my ex's birthday yesterday, and so I sent her a text saying happy birthday. That was literally the only contact we had, and it felt great. Then she popped up on my FB feed because of her birthday (first time I'd seen her profile pop up at all in my FB for like 3-4 months) and yeah, I don't find her attractive at all.

 

You can see my rantings and ravings on here from January thru April or so of 2011 on here about how much I miss her and wanting to move out to Seattle and all that jazz. It would have been incredibly dumb and I would have set myself up for failure.

[RockRaines]

There are times it takes longer, but this, in my mind, is a pretty obvious situation where he simply can't look back.

 

It was my ex's birthday yesterday, and so I sent her a text saying happy birthday. That was literally the only contact we had, and it felt great. Then she popped up on my FB feed because of her birthday (first time I'd seen her profile pop up at all in my FB for like 3-4 months) and yeah, I don't find her attractive at all.

 

You can see my rantings and ravings on here from January thru April or so of 2011 on here about how much I miss her and wanting to move out to Seattle and all that jazz. It would have been incredibly dumb and I would have set myself up for failure.

I'm happy for you that you found this clarity. There are so many women out there the right one will come your way. You'll know when it feels right as long as you keep your head about you.

[witesoxfan]

I'm happy for you that you found this clarity. There are so many women out there the right one will come your way. You'll know when it feels right as long as you keep your head about you.

 

Oh I'm definitely aware, and I haven't pushed the issue. And I know the one I've been seeing isn't right too.

[Reddy]

I'm happy for you that you found this clarity. There are so many women out there the right one will come your way. You'll know when it feels right as long as you keep your head about you.

so what if it's the girl who broke up with me a month and a half ago that "feels right"?

 

[witesoxfan]

so what if it's the girl who broke up with me a month and a half ago that "feels right"?

 

 

Yep, mine did too. Mine still felt right after 6 months. It's going to hurt like a b**** for a while.

[Reddy]

Yep, mine did too. Mine still felt right after 6 months. It's going to hurt like a b**** for a while.

hurts more because the few times we've really talked since the breakup, it's full of her telling me how wonderful and amazing I am. Telling me she still loves me. Most recently after I'd emailed saying we need to go strict NC, with no plan for reconciliation. Lol if she were mad at me or very clearly couldn't see us working out, this would be a helluva lot easier!

 

And uh... we're gonna see The Hobbit together because neither of us wants to see it with anybody else (we're both nerds). I can't tell right now if this is a good sign or a bad sign. ie: whether it means I should keep fighting for the relationship or not.

 

I know conventional wisdom would say that she's "got me on her hook" or that she's using me because she wants the benefits of having me around without the commitment of a relationship, but again, like I've said before, we've never played games and we've always and will continue to be completely honest with each other. But there's the part of my brain that also is shouting "If she wants you SHE'LL contact you. SHE'LL let you know. YOU don't have to do a damn thing."

 

f*** this s***.

[witesoxfan]

hurts more because the few times we've really talked since the breakup, it's full of her telling me how wonderful and amazing I am. Telling me she still loves me. Most recently after I'd emailed saying we need to go strict NC, with no plan for reconciliation. Lol if she were mad at me or very clearly couldn't see us working out, this would be a helluva lot easier!

 

And uh... we're gonna see The Hobbit together because neither of us wants to see it with anybody else (we're both nerds). I can't tell right now if this is a good sign or a bad sign. ie: whether it means I should keep fighting for the relationship or not.

 

I know conventional wisdom would say that she's "got me on her hook" or that she's using me because she wants the benefits of having me around without the commitment of a relationship, but again, like I've said before, we've never played games and we've always and will continue to be completely honest with each other. But there's the part of my brain that also is shouting "If she wants you SHE'LL contact you. SHE'LL let you know. YOU don't have to do a damn thing."

 

f*** this s***.

 

Do what you feel is right. If you want to go for it, then do it. And if not, let it go. And if not, I would strongly recommend no contact, because talking on even a semi-regular basis is what got me in trouble in the first place (my ex and I talked about once every other day and Skyped like 2 times a week...we went no contact and everything settled down).

 

EDIT: and no contact includes the movie too. Just tell her thats how you feel and you're sorry. Being friends with someone after a long relationship just really isn't possible. You can be acquaintances, but that's about the extent of it

Edited December 7, 2012 by witesoxfan