Relationship Advice Thread

[witesoxfan]

hurts more because the few times we've really talked since the breakup, it's full of her telling me how wonderful and amazing I am. Telling me she still loves me. Most recently after I'd emailed saying we need to go strict NC, with no plan for reconciliation. Lol if she were mad at me or very clearly couldn't see us working out, this would be a helluva lot easier!

 

And uh... we're gonna see The Hobbit together because neither of us wants to see it with anybody else (we're both nerds). I can't tell right now if this is a good sign or a bad sign. ie: whether it means I should keep fighting for the relationship or not.

 

I know conventional wisdom would say that she's "got me on her hook" or that she's using me because she wants the benefits of having me around without the commitment of a relationship, but again, like I've said before, we've never played games and we've always and will continue to be completely honest with each other. But there's the part of my brain that also is shouting "If she wants you SHE'LL contact you. SHE'LL let you know. YOU don't have to do a damn thing."

 

f*** this s***.

 

Oh, and if you're debating whether you want to go for it or not, flip a coin.

 

Heads is pursuing the relationship again

Tails is ending it.

 

Flip the coin.

 

Don't look at it.

 

Every person always has a pre-determined or even subconscious feeling on the subject, even if they don't want to admit so publicly. So pick the outcome of the side of the coin that you wanted.

[Reddy]

Do what you feel is right. If you want to go for it, then do it. And if not, let it go. And if not, I would strongly recommend no contact, because talking on even a semi-regular basis is what got me in trouble in the first place (my ex and I talked about once every other day and Skyped like 2 times a week...we went no contact and everything settled down).

 

EDIT: and no contact includes the movie too. Just tell her thats how you feel and you're sorry. Being friends with someone after a long relationship just really isn't possible. You can be acquaintances, but that's about the extent of it

 

We'd been NC for two weeks before I sent the email asking for it to be permanent. We HAD set up a couple dates down the road to "check in", and I wanted to scrap them.

 

However, I only sent that email at someone's advice, and immediately regretted it after pushing send. I WANT to be with this girl. Right now, in my gut, my immediate reaction is that I want to fight for the relationship. The PROBLEM is that I know she wants space to figure things out and that continuing to interject myself into her life is probably the opposite of what I should be doing. At this point in time, fighting for the relationship AND NC are probably the very same thing. That said, when her reaction to my presence is to say "yes, that's a good idea, I don't want see the movie with anyone else" it makes things tricky. I mean... to me that's a good sign, but if we do see it, I should probably jump back into NC afterwards and wait for her to make the next move...

 

I dunno, I just hate games and everything about breakups always boils down to playing some sort of game. By not contacting her THIS will happen, after you DO contact her, do this and maybe she'll respond THIS way. That's the part I can't stand.

[Kyyle23]

Reddy, I knew at the beginning when you said the breakup was amicable and mutual that you were fibbing. Im sorry man, but the best advice is to sit tight and let her play her hand. If you jump in and go after her, it will be over for good

[Y2HH]

Reddy, I knew at the beginning when you said the breakup was amicable and mutual that you were fibbing. Im sorry man, but the best advice is to sit tight and let her play her hand. If you jump in and go after her, it will be over for good

 

That's impossible...Reddy just got finished going on and on about being open and honest for 50 posts in this very thread...if he was fibbing, that'd mean he was actually playing games and being dishonest (seemingly with himself), which he claims he doesn't do.

 

I don't really want to mess with him in this case, as I can tell by his words hes hurting and I hope he emerges from this getting what he's looking for. Unfortunately, I think the reality is when it comes to relationships, "games" will be played until BOTH tire of that aspect of dating. Also, calling it "games" may, in fact, be the wrong way of looking at what this really is...which is gaining experience, learning about yourself and others, and ultimately, finding someone you're actually willing to sacrifice for.

 

I actually told my wife this once...and I believe it's 100% true. I was happy to have met her when I did (when I was 31), because she ended up with the version of me that was no longer interested in games/learning/experience...I was at the point where I understood myself, what I wanted, and why. There are a few of my ex-girlfriends (still friends), that if I had met at a different time in my life, everything would be different today...and I wouldn't have ended up with my wife (or daughters). At the time, I couldn't have foreseen, or understood anything that complex unfolding...but it was. It was the wrong "us" at the wrong time...nothing more. But that opened the possibility of the family I have and love now.

[Reddy]

Reddy, I knew at the beginning when you said the breakup was amicable and mutual that you were fibbing. Im sorry man, but the best advice is to sit tight and let her play her hand. If you jump in and go after her, it will be over for good

amicable yes. no fighting, no one mad at the other, no blame being dished out.

 

i don't remember saying mutual... but if i did, yes I was lying.

[Reddy]

That's impossible...Reddy just got finished going on and on about being open and honest for 50 posts in this very thread...if he was fibbing, that'd mean he was actually playing games and being dishonest (seemingly with himself), which he claims he doesn't do.

 

I don't really want to mess with him in this case, as I can tell by his words hes hurting and I hope he emerges from this getting what he's looking for. Unfortunately, I think the reality is when it comes to relationships, "games" will be played until BOTH tire of that aspect of dating. Also, calling it "games" may, in fact, be the wrong way of looking at what this really is...which is gaining experience, learning about yourself and others, and ultimately, finding someone you're actually willing to sacrifice for.

 

I actually told my wife this once...and I believe it's 100% true. I was happy to have met her when I did (when I was 31), because she ended up with the version of me that was no longer interested in games/learning/experience...I was at the point where I understood myself, what I wanted, and why. There are a few of my ex-girlfriends (still friends), that if I had met at a different time in my life, everything would be different today...and I wouldn't have ended up with my wife (or daughters). At the time, I couldn't have foreseen, or understood anything that complex unfolding...but it was. It was the wrong "us" at the wrong time...nothing more. But that opened the possibility of the family I have and love now.

 

when i say games i mean doing things specifically for the sole purpose of getting a desired reaction out of someone. going NC because you think it will make her miss you. sending emails like the one i did saying I want something that I absolutely don't want, JUST so it'll elicit some sort of response from her.

 

that's what I can't stand. so it does actually go hand in hand with my honesty crusade!

 

that said, what's interesting about your post, is that going through all this right now I've done an awful, awful lot of soul searching. i've learned a lot about myself, about the way i react to things, the way i view the world, the way i view my interactions with other people. i've never in my life felt like i was ANYWHERE NEAR ready to get married. That always seemed like something distant and far away, but in re-evaluating the things that matter to me over the last few months, I'm realizing that there's more to life than being a successful actor, and while that's something I desperately want, I think I could also be happy doing something else, as long as it meant sharing that with someone and having a family. The fact that I just wrote that blows my friggin' mind, because that's never been me. Ever. So yes, this has been a learning experience, but this girl IS someone I would sacrifice for. It's such a cliche to talk about finding someone who makes you want to be better, but until her, I'd never experienced that. I'm sure I'll find another girl who I feel the same way about, but right now, I don't want to. Simple as that.

 

Haha isn't it funny how much you can bare your soul to strangers on the internet? I don't know if there's anyone else in my life I'd be willing to say all that to besides my ex. Maybe that's part of my problem. lol

[Jake]

I actually told my wife this once...and I believe it's 100% true. I was happy to have met her when I did (when I was 31), because she ended up with the version of me that was no longer interested in games/learning/experience...I was at the point where I understood myself, what I wanted, and why. There are a few of my ex-girlfriends (still friends), that if I had met at a different time in my life, everything would be different today...and I wouldn't have ended up with my wife (or daughters). At the time, I couldn't have foreseen, or understood anything that complex unfolding...but it was. It was the wrong "us" at the wrong time...nothing more. But that opened the possibility of the family I have and love now.

 

So the Hawkeroo was right. It's not who you play, it's when you play 'em

 

[Y2HH]

So the Hawkeroo was right. It's not who you play, it's when you play 'em

 

In an odd way, yes.

[Y2HH]

when i say games i mean doing things specifically for the sole purpose of getting a desired reaction out of someone. going NC because you think it will make her miss you. sending emails like the one i did saying I want something that I absolutely don't want, JUST so it'll elicit some sort of response from her.

 

that's what I can't stand. so it does actually go hand in hand with my honesty crusade!

 

that said, what's interesting about your post, is that going through all this right now I've done an awful, awful lot of soul searching. i've learned a lot about myself, about the way i react to things, the way i view the world, the way i view my interactions with other people. i've never in my life felt like i was ANYWHERE NEAR ready to get married. That always seemed like something distant and far away, but in re-evaluating the things that matter to me over the last few months, I'm realizing that there's more to life than being a successful actor, and while that's something I desperately want, I think I could also be happy doing something else, as long as it meant sharing that with someone and having a family. The fact that I just wrote that blows my friggin' mind, because that's never been me. Ever. So yes, this has been a learning experience, but this girl IS someone I would sacrifice for. It's such a cliche to talk about finding someone who makes you want to be better, but until her, I'd never experienced that. I'm sure I'll find another girl who I feel the same way about, but right now, I don't want to. Simple as that.

 

Haha isn't it funny how much you can bare your soul to strangers on the internet? I don't know if there's anyone else in my life I'd be willing to say all that to besides my ex. Maybe that's part of my problem. lol

 

Goes hand in hand with what I was saying to my wife.

 

It's quite possible that you simply met this girl at the wrong time in your life. Had you met her AFTER you learned all of this about yourself, starting fresh, things would have worked differently IF she was also in that same state of mind (having learned, played the games, did some growing up, etc).

 

Since you actually met her, you could call it like this : you were in the right place for the meeting to happen, you were just in the wrong time for it to work. That's not to say this thing cannot be rescued...but that state of mind you find yourself in now (after your soul searching), she has to be there, too...

 

Had you met her a few years later...things wouldn't be the same.

[Reddy]

Goes hand in hand with what I was saying to my wife.

 

It's quite possible that you simply met this girl at the wrong time in your life. Had you met her AFTER you learned all of this about yourself, starting fresh, things would have worked differently IF she was also in that same state of mind (having learned, played the games, did some growing up, etc).

 

Since you actually met her, you could call it like this : you were in the right place for the meeting to happen, you were just in the wrong time for it to work. That's not to say this thing cannot be rescued...but that state of mind you find yourself in now (after your soul searching), she has to be there, too...

 

Had you met her a few years later...things wouldn't be the same.

Well that sucks.

[Y2HH]

Well that sucks.

 

It quite possibly doesn't suck, you just don't know it yet.

[RockRaines]

So the Hawkeroo was right. It's not who you play, it's when you play 'em

For sure, however you cant really say later on it would have worked because life experiences change a person. Sometimes meeting that person at that time is part of who you were at that time. Just always look forward.

[Reddy]

well, i'm being a p**** and we're seeing The Hobbit on next saturday. she seems really excited about it. we'll see what happens... lol

[knightni]

well, i'm being a p**** and we're seeing The Hobbit on next saturday. she seems really excited about it. we'll see what happens... lol

Sorry dude...

 

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XnjtdziBj9A/TKEH...zone_poster.jpg

[Reddy]

Sorry dude...

 

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XnjtdziBj9A/TKEH...zone_poster.jpg

haha like i said, we'll see.

[Balta1701]

haha like i said, we'll see.

If you go for the IMAX you get the opening 9 minutes of Into Darkness

[Reddy]

If you go for the IMAX you get the opening 9 minutes of Into Darkness

holy s***.

 

my ex also loves star trek.

 

can you SEE why I can't let this go so easily???

[kapkomet]

If you go for the IMAX you get the opening 9 minutes of Into Darkness

 

 

Oh, if I were a stalker, I know where Balta would be when this movie hits the theaters.

[Balta1701]

Oh, if I were a stalker, I know where Balta would be when this movie hits the theaters.

Did I ever tell my story for the last movie and why I didn't see it in theaters?

[kapkomet]

Did I ever tell my story for the last movie and why I didn't see it in theaters?

 

 

You might have but I don't remember it. I'm too old.

[Joxer_Daly]

This thread has jumped far too far since my last offering for me to be able to make any worthwhile contribution.

 

But from the few posts I've read, I just have three things to say:

 

1. Outside of Christmas, birthdays, and (at an absolute stretch and nothing too excessive) Valentine's... No gifts.

2. What the f@ck is Sweetest Day???

3. I see a lot of talk about communication. Communication is central to keeping a relationship together.

But, (and I'm addressing this specifically to you, Reddy) at a time when there's a split on, there can be such a thing as too much communication. As in, you don't see each other for a couple of weeks and then that's it. You start to get back together again. In my opinion (and it is only my stupid opinion), that is nowhere near enough the amount of time required to work through all the buried emotional crap that led to the problems in the first place. If you get back too soon, it'll just be the same thing on repeat down the line. At one stage, I split up with my now wife. It took a couple of months for me to work through my own bullsh@t that had led me to do that in the first place. But, the best thing is, it was another couple of months before she would even entertain meeting me for a coffee (just a coffee). That's where you need to get your head at, as much as you want to get it all back hunky-dory. Remember, that she's the one that gave you the heave-ho. Don't be like a dog running back with your tongue out. In the long run she won't appreciate it.

 

Anyway, all I say is only advice. Your welcome to come back in thirty years time and call me a dick, everyone has their own approach. There is no guaranteed success formula.

 

 

If only you'd pumped that fat bird.

 

 

 

[Reddy]

This thread has jumped far too far since my last offering for me to be able to make any worthwhile contribution.

 

But from the few posts I've read, I just have three things to say:

 

1. Outside of Christmas, birthdays, and (at an absolute stretch and nothing too excessive) Valentine's... No gifts.

2. What the f@ck is Sweetest Day???

3. I see a lot of talk about communication. Communication is central to keeping a relationship together.

But, (and I'm addressing this specifically to you, Reddy) at a time when there's a split on, there can be such a thing as too much communication. As in, you don't see each other for a couple of weeks and then that's it. You start to get back together again. In my opinion (and it is only my stupid opinion), that is nowhere near enough the amount of time required to work through all the buried emotional crap that led to the problems in the first place. If you get back too soon, it'll just be the same thing on repeat down the line. At one stage, I split up with my now wife. It took a couple of months for me to work through my own bullsh@t that had led me to do that in the first place. But, the best thing is, it was another couple of months before she would even entertain meeting me for a coffee (just a coffee). That's where you need to get your head at, as much as you want to get it all back hunky-dory. Remember, that she's the one that gave you the heave-ho. Don't be like a dog running back with your tongue out. In the long run she won't appreciate it.

 

Anyway, all I say is only advice. Your welcome to come back in thirty years time and call me a dick, everyone has their own approach. There is no guaranteed success formula.

 

 

If only you'd pumped that fat bird.

 

hahaha nah man, I never get up in arms about this kind of thing. What's the point? You're trying to help and I appreciate the advice.

 

I also happen to agree with you that it's probably too soon to get back together. It's been about a month and a half, and while I've made a ton of progress (though I'm sure still more to be made), I don't know if she has. I've also been the one to reach out more often than she (though she has done it) since the breakup, and as someone very wise told me - if she decides she wants you back, she WILL let you know. I think the only reason part of me wants to jump back together immediately is tied to silly stuff like Christmas/end of the year/romantic sentimental crap like that. But these are things I'll get over. Fortunately I'm not irrational, I won't grovel, I won't beg, and I'm not prone to drunk dials. Literally we've spoken I think 3 or 4 times in the last month and a half, and they've always been really constructive, good conversations.

 

this whole movie thing came from the fact that I'm going to be happier seeing it with her, and she feels the same way. We've got that movie reward, and since we both want to see the it in theaters, it makes sense. but we're just gonna have fun - it's not gonna be a "talk about us" thing unless she brings it up. go with the flow. see what happens. i'm getting all zen these days and trying to just live in the moment and do what's best for me at any given time. not attach extra significance to things, not focus on could be's, should be's, what i can MAKE HAPPEN in the future... all just a waste of time cuz none of us know what's coming.

[greg775]

Update on my 26 year old friend (single no kids), the one dumped by a 23 year old woman who left him for a 33-year-old guy at her workplace with 3 kids (one as old as 10).

 

I didn't know he was this f***ed up, but he's decided to make a play for her in February. He's going to wait until then, and at that time either take part in some big production where he dramatically asks for her back or something more simple where the intent is the same: to ask her to leave the guy and return to him.

 

I told him that seems kind of stupid and she'll likely reject him and get the 'last laugh.' His response was, ''I have to try, for closure. I have to see if she wants me back. She may want me back but thinks I've moved on.''

 

Most of his friends have advised him to forget her, but he said as of today he's intent on doing this.

I did ask him, "If she's capable of doing this now, what if you get married and have 2 kids and she dumps you then?" He said, "I'd take that risk."

 

Love is blind? Or ???

Edited December 11, 2012 by greg775

[Jake]

I, too, have no idea what the f*** Sweetest Day is.

[Reddy]

Update on my 26 year old friend (single no kids), the one dumped by a 23 year old woman who left him for a 33-year-old guy at her workplace with 3 kids (one as old as 10).

 

I didn't know he was this f***ed up, but he's decided to make a play for her in February. He's going to wait until then, and at that time either take part in some big production where he dramatically asks for her back or something more simple where the intent is the same: to ask her to leave the guy and return to him.

 

I told him that seems kind of stupid and she'll likely reject him and get the 'last laugh.' His response was, ''I have to try, for closure. I have to see if she wants me back. She may want me back but thinks I've moved on.''

 

Most of his friends have advised him to forget her, but he said as of today he's intent on doing this.

I did ask him, "If she's capable of doing this now, what if you get married and have 2 kids and she dumps you then?" He said, "I'd take that risk."

 

Love is blind? Or ???

 

he's just young and stupid. i had to go through a painful breakup where I did everything in the books that you're not supposed to do, to realize how ridiculous doing all that is. romantic gestures? don't work. they just piss the ex off even more. WHY? because you're not respecting what they want and it's completely selfish.

 

the only way to get someone back? Go No Contact, work on yourself, and move on. if they come back, then great.

 

fortunately, if he waits till February that's great, because by then he won't care anymore.

 

(yes I'm working on taking this advice myself, but it really is the ONLY way to handle a breakup)