Relationship Advice Thread

[southsider2k5]

Are you sure there isn't anyone else in her life? For some reason I get the feeling that she is trying something new, and keeping you around just in case.

[ChiSox_Sonix]

Are you sure there isn't anyone else in her life? For some reason I get the feeling that she is trying something new, and keeping you around just in case.

 

Yeah it sounds like what one of my best friends has been doing to his current ex-but not really an ex-but definitely an ex when he wants-but really not because they continue to spend time together when convenient for him-girlfriend for the last 8-12 months.

[Reddy]

Are you sure there isn't anyone else in her life? For some reason I get the feeling that she is trying something new, and keeping you around just in case.

i can see where you might draw that conclusion, because it really does have that feel to it, but strangely enough in the times we've talked we've actually been completely honest with each other. i think the reason for that is the way the breakup and everything since has gone down. While obviously I didn't agree with it and wasn't happy about it, I actually understood where she was coming from, and understood why she felt she needed to do this. And since I respected that, it kept our lines of communication SO much clearer and more open than they typically are post-breakup, and more than that, I didn't give her a reason to get angry and stop caring about me.

 

and actually, there's been good news since i posted that yesterday. we talked last night for 2 1/2 hours about everything and about us, which i wasn't sure I actually wanted to do, but again, we just decided to be 100% honest about where we were and are at this point in time. and what we eventually came to was that all this great work we're doing on ourselves is pretty awesome, and she and I both feel it would suck if we never got to use it with each other. she said that yesterday made her realize that she 1) can have an amazing time with me and not worry about the rest of the crap 2) actually see a future for us.

 

I told her that from here we can go one of two ways. We can be taking this time apart to strengthen ourselves AND our relationship/understanding of each other, or we can focus solely on ourselves, which means letting go completely and moving on. And she said that even though she's nervous, that she'd rather do the first.

 

So it's obviously not all smooth sailing from here on out, and we're still not jumping into anything - we're not going to see each other again till after the holidays/new year - but I feel really good about this, and she says she does too. We'd both rather try and have it blow up in our faces, than to look back and say "what if?" So that's a start.

[Y2HH]

i can see where you might draw that conclusion, because it really does have that feel to it, but strangely enough in the times we've talked we've actually been completely honest with each other.

 

...or so you think.

 

I'm not saying I know one way or another...but from the sound of it...this girl could convince you the sky is green on a bright sunny day, and you'd not only believe her...but it'd actually be green when you looked at it. By and large, I think your compromised by your undying love for this girl. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing...it happens to all of us...it has too.

 

This is coming down to exactly what I said it would come down too...the places in life you both happen to be, right now, are in conflict. The only things you can do is 1) move on, or 2) wait for her to get there.

Edited December 17, 2012 by Y2HH

[southsider2k5]

...or so you think.

 

I'm not saying I know one way or another...but from the sound of it...this girl would convince you the sky is green on a bright sunny day, and you'd not only believe her...but it'd be green when you looked at it. By and large, I think your compromised by your undying love for this girl. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing...it happens to all of us...it has too.

 

This is coming down to exactly what I said it would come down too...the places in life you both happen to be, right now, are in conflict. The only things you can do is 1) move on, or 2) wait for her to get there.

 

Yeah, I don't know you are the situation at all. This just doesn't pass the smell test. It could be as simple as she is explaining, then again, this is a pretty big production in that case.

[Reddy]

...or so you think.

 

I'm not saying I know one way or another...but from the sound of it...this girl could convince you the sky is green on a bright sunny day, and you'd not only believe her...but it'd actually be green when you looked at it. By and large, I think your compromised by your undying love for this girl. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing...it happens to all of us...it has too.

 

This is coming down to exactly what I said it would come down too...the places in life you both happen to be, right now, are in conflict. The only things you can do is 1) move on, or 2) wait for her to get there.

IIII know, none of you believe that two people can actually be open and honest with each other, but regardless of what y'all think, that's exactly what we're doing.

 

I don't think we're ready to get back together yet either. It's still too soon. I want more time to figure out and decide if this really is a smart decision or not. I have more to figure out just like she does. All we agreed on is that our feelings for each other are still really strong, and we'd like to give it another shot in the near future.

 

And she hasn't convinced me of anything. I was completely prepared to walk yesterday if she said no, or even I don't know. I said as much to her. I told her if that, by the end of this conversation and after our date, the answer was still "i don't know" then we need to go our separate ways, go no contact, move on, and truly heal.

 

We're still doing low contact, we're still not jumping into anything and pretending this is anything it's not. If at ANY point, one of us decides we want out, we're gonna tell the other. If I decide I need to see other people to know if this is the right thing to do or not, I'll tell her, and I'll do it. Vice versa.

 

Like I said, this could still be bumpy, and it could still end badly, but I'm willing to risk a couple more months working things through. In the scheme of things, what are a couple months? If we ride off into the sunset together those months won't matter. If we don't, and a few months from now, a year from now, I'm with someone else, then those months won't matter either! The potential benefit of doing this work far outweighs the cost.

[greg775]

spent 9 hours together. saw the movie, held hands etc. went to dinner and had a great time, then walked 40 blocks and got dessert/drinks - just altogether a TON of fun. we talked ahead of time and decided to treat it like a first date kind of vibe. at the end of the night she instigated the kissing, didn't want it to be over, walked to her place extra slowly, blah blah blah. she had a great time, I had a great time, everything was great.

 

until i let myself slip just a tiny bit. unfortunately that tiny bit was probably enough to undo the entire day's worth of fun, great conversation, great chemistry, etc. basically after all that, she said "lets take the day to process all this, and then lets talk tomorrow night" (smart, rational decision) but for some reason i felt like I wanted something more concrete in the moment and I pushed a little too much. nothing like... bad or ridiculous, but i think i highlighted the fact that even though we have fun together and feel strongly about each other, we're still not in the same exact place.

 

nonetheless after a lot of me waffling and basically showing her that she still does hold the cards, we said goodnight, I said sorry for being weird at the end. she told me not to be sorry and that i put together an amazing date and she had a great time, and she was gonna call me tonight when she gets off work.

 

what the f*** are you supposed to do when you love someone and they love you back, but they also have life stuff they want to figure out??

 

My heart wants to be patient, and my brain says that if she can't make a commitment to me, then why the f*** should I wait?

 

I'm mostly just venting... and thinking... and writing it all down helps me process.

 

Man, you are in a crazy 1-1 relationship. I have no opinion on whether she's seeing anybody else or not. I will say this: if you get back together, that would be a surprise ending to this story for me. I just get the feeling something is amiss.

 

Update on the 23-year-old woman who left my 29-year-old friend for some 35-year old teacher's aide with 3 kids and a $20,000 a year paycheck. My friend now has decided to not try to get her back in February. He still is hooked on her, though. He needs to meet somebody else, and fast. This 23-year-old sounds a bit unstable to me.

 

I wonder what this girl in your situation would do if you met somebody else. That actually could happen. If I were you, I'd be open to any possibilities with new women. I wouldn't wait on her. It does sound to me like you are head over heels for her. Like my friend, I think you should look elsewhere. If she comes back before you meet somebody, fine. If not, hopefully you'll meet a great woman, woman of your dreams who wants to be with you.

Edited December 18, 2012 by greg775

[Reddy]

Man, you are in a crazy 1-1 relationship. I have no opinion on whether she's seeing anybody else or not. I will say this: if you get back together, that would be a surprise ending to this story for me. I just get the feeling something is amiss.

 

Update on the 23-year-old woman who left my 29-year-old friend for some 35-year old teacher's aide with 3 kids and a $20,000 a year paycheck. My friend now has decided to not try to get her back in February. He still is hooked on her, though. He needs to meet somebody else, and fast. This 23-year-old sounds a bit unstable to me.

 

I wonder what this girl in your situation would do if you met somebody else. That actually could happen. If I were you, I'd be open to any possibilities with new women. I wouldn't wait on her. It does sound to me like you are head over heels for her. Like my friend, I think you should look elsewhere. If she comes back before you meet somebody, fine. If not, hopefully you'll meet a great woman, woman of your dreams who wants to be with you.

yep. who knows? all i know is that in THIS moment I'm a lot happier than I was before. so I'm gonna ride that till it's no longer the case.

[EvilJester99]

yep. who knows? all i know is that in THIS moment I'm a lot happier than I was before. so I'm gonna ride that till it's no longer the case.

Hell as long as you are happy then roll on bro. Just keep your eyes open.. like everyone else said,it sounds odd.

[greg775]

yep. who knows? all i know is that in THIS moment I'm a lot happier than I was before. so I'm gonna ride that till it's no longer the case.

 

Well, good. I'm all for happiness, especially after the weekend and that sadness in Connecticut.

[Y2HH]

IIII know, none of you believe that two people can actually be open and honest with each other, but regardless of what y'all think, that's exactly what we're doing.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but IMO, people can be open and honest with each other TO A POINT. It's simply accepted that you don't tell her everything you think or feel, and she doesn't tell you everything, either, because let's face it...we're a flawed species, and some things are better left unsaid.

 

If I have a crazy ass dream about having sex with a plethora of other women, or even an ex-girlfriend, would waking up and telling my wife about that awesome dream be a good idea? f*** no. But it would be open and honest.

 

And she hasn't convinced me of anything. I was completely prepared to walk yesterday if she said no, or even I don't know. I said as much to her. I told her if that, by the end of this conversation and after our date, the answer was still "i don't know" then we need to go our separate ways, go no contact, move on, and truly heal.

 

As for this...we call this stringing a person along. You told her, if you say X or Y, I'm leaving...and since it's obvious shes not 100% sure she wants that to happen...yet...she didn't say either X or Y, but instead of saying A, like you wanted, she said B. Now things can be kept alive while she's doing whatever else it is she's doing. I'm convinced something is up here...something doesn't feel quite right. Then again, I realize I'm completely guessing since I don't know this person...but I do know this situation quite well...and this situation looks like a job for Scooby and the Gang.

Edited December 18, 2012 by Y2HH

[Reddy]

I can't speak for anyone else, but IMO, people can be open and honest with each other TO A POINT. It's simply accepted that you don't tell her everything you think or feel, and she doesn't tell you everything, either, because let's face it...we're a flawed species, and some things are better left unsaid.

 

If I have a crazy ass dream about having sex with a plethora of other women, or even an ex-girlfriend, would waking up and telling my wife about that awesome dream be a good idea? f*** no. But it would be open and honest.

 

haha obviously you're right, but i meant honest in terms of the discussion we've been having with each other. answering each others' questions truthfully, not hiding information or thoughts because we're worried about how the other will feel or react. obviously no one's perfect at this because at the end of the day we DO have agendas, I get it, but meh - I personally don't really feel like she's hiding anything, which brings us to:

 

As for this...we call this stringing a person along. You told her, if you say X or Y, I'm leaving...and since it's obvious shes not 100% sure she wants that to happen...yet...she didn't say either X or Y, but instead of saying A, like you wanted, she said B. Now things can be kept alive while she's doing whatever else it is she's doing. I'm convinced something is up here...something doesn't feel quite right. Then again, I realize I'm completely guessing since I don't know this person...but I do know this situation quite well...and this situation looks like a job for Scooby and the Gang.

 

She did pick A. Besides X and Y, the other option I put on the table was let's take some more time for us, but also see how it relates to the relationship. Yes, I know you think SHE'S convinced me that this breakup was a good idea all along (sky is green), but I actually think I've convinced myself of that. Like anyone, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and discovered some things about myself that I'm actually not all that fond of, and want to work on. I'm doing that for ME. And thus why I feel like I'm glad this all happened. If it hadn't now, it would have further down the road and we'd probably be living together and it'd be a helluva lot WORSE. Our relationship had really started sucking - I just hadn't noticed.

 

I know you think she's got something on the side, but that's so, so far from the realm of her capabilities. She 1) would feel INCREDIBLY guilty 2) her parents went through an affair so even though we're not together, I don't think she could handle that emotionally 3) she told me that even the thought of seeing someone else almost makes her sick.

 

Again, I don't have proof of anything. All I have are words... and faith in the person I know she is. I'd rather be this person who puts himself out there and gets hurt than the person who never takes a risk and sits back a closed-hearted cynic.

[greg775]

what the f*** are you supposed to do when you love someone and they love you back, but they also have life stuff they want to figure out??

 

My heart wants to be patient, and my brain says that if she can't make a commitment to me, then why the f*** should I wait?

 

This might have been a freudian (sp) slipup, but thrown in there in the midst of your other sentences/thoughts, I think it shows how you really feel. You are acting cool and calm, but you are head over heels and want to spend every waking moment with her basically. She is nowhere near that point. Did I get it correct? That's OK, but she is acting kind of bizarre. Maybe this is a different kind of girl like you said, but in most cases I think we would be right in thinking she is keeping you around as a fallback. We'll see.

[RockRaines]

This might have been a freudian (sp) slipup, but thrown in there in the midst of your other sentences/thoughts, I think it shows how you really feel. You are acting cool and calm, but you are head over heels and want to spend every waking moment with her basically. She is nowhere near that point. Did I get it correct? That's OK, but she is acting kind of bizarre. Maybe this is a different kind of girl like you said, but in most cases I think we would be right in thinking she is keeping you around as a fallback. We'll see.

Forcing it to work to stay together will end in diaster. You cant force things or both people will eventually be unhappy with what they are getting in return. At some point both people have to be on the same page and willing to be with each other totally or something will tear it apart.

[Reddy]

Forcing it to work to stay together will end in diaster. You cant force things or both people will eventually be unhappy with what they are getting in return. At some point both people have to be on the same page and willing to be with each other totally or something will tear it apart.

yeah understood - i think that even if we're not on the same page, we're in the same chapter, probably only a few pages apart right now. and like i've said before, i'm willing to wait a little bit, work on me, focus on my life/career/goals, to see if we'll get to that same place. and I'd rather do that and know for sure, than look back and say what if.

[iamshack]

It seems to me that both of you are just too weak to do what needs to be done right now...and that usually ends badly.

 

I don't think she is seeing anyone else. But I do think the things that caused you to break up in the first place won't just go away unless someone is willing to make a major compromise. Otherwise, the same thing that happened a month ago or whenever will probably just keep repeating itself until it ends more permanently.

[RockRaines]

yeah understood - i think that even if we're not on the same page, we're in the same chapter, probably only a few pages apart right now. and like i've said before, i'm willing to wait a little bit, work on me, focus on my life/career/goals, to see if we'll get to that same place. and I'd rather do that and know for sure, than look back and say what if.

Maybe, things just work out better when you dont force them IMO. If someone is forced to "change" or speed up their process it causes friction which ultimately ends badly. It's better just to stay close and see what happens instead of trying to make something out of it at the wrong time.

[witesoxfan]

The ex texted me last night and said she had a dream about me. LOL

[Reddy]

Maybe, things just work out better when you dont force them IMO. If someone is forced to "change" or speed up their process it causes friction which ultimately ends badly. It's better just to stay close and see what happens instead of trying to make something out of it at the wrong time.

that's actually exactly what we're doing. sorry if I was bad at explaining that.

 

Edit: yes, we'd both LIKE to get back together at some point, but we both know that's not now, and we don't have a timetable on it, so we're doing exactly what you suggested. We both realize the possibility is there that we WON'T get back together. Nothing's definitive right now, we're just playing it by ear.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Reddy

[Reddy]

It seems to me that both of you are just too weak to do what needs to be done right now...and that usually ends badly.

 

I don't think she is seeing anyone else. But I do think the things that caused you to break up in the first place won't just go away unless someone is willing to make a major compromise. Otherwise, the same thing that happened a month ago or whenever will probably just keep repeating itself until it ends more permanently.

hmm... i feel like it would be the weaker choice to jump back into a relationship and pretend nothing's wrong... which would be extremely easy for both of us to do (she even said this)

[iamshack]

hmm... i feel like it would be the weaker choice to jump back into a relationship and pretend nothing's wrong... which would be extremely easy for both of us to do (she even said this)

Yeah, that would be weaker. But you probably should not be going on these dates and just have a clean break.

[Reddy]

Yeah, that would be weaker. But you probably should not be going on these dates and just have a clean break.

meh, maybe, but neither of us wants that so why should we do it?

[iamshack]

meh, maybe, but neither of us wants that so why should we do it?

Because it will give you clarity as to what the hell you are doing in the first place?

 

When you break up, many times both parties miss eachother. Neither of you want to miss eachother. So why should you continue to be apart? Because it needs to be done.

[Reddy]

Because it will give you clarity as to what the hell you are doing in the first place?

 

When you break up, many times both parties miss eachother. Neither of you want to miss eachother. So why should you continue to be apart? Because it needs to be done.

right, agreed, and we are continuing to be apart. we're not talking every day, I'm not even going to see her again till after the holidays (she's going home to Cali). believe me, we're taking this slow and we're NOT just falling back into a relationship. Frankly, we're doing the same thing we were BEFORE the date, just now we both know where we stand. If at any point that changes, we tell the other what we need, and we do it. If that means a clean split, seeing other people, then so be it. That's what we agreed on.

[knightni]

The ex texted me last night and said she had a dream about me. LOL

Inception?