My locked penis syndrome

[Milkman delivers]

Agreed. I had heard of stage fright before, but I thought it was this like really rare thing, and I couldn't really imagine people actually having it. Clearly I was wrong.

 

I thought it was more of a sitcom type of thing, not so much a real thing.

[BigSqwert]

I wonder if this condition is an old animal instinct that isn't being properly suppressed in certain people. An animal going in the wild may feel vulnerable if there are others around.

[Milkman delivers]

I wonder if this condition is an old animal instinct that isn't being properly suppressed in certain people. An animal going in the wild may feel vulnerable if there are others around.

 

Or the people who have trouble going are too timid to mark their own f***ing territory.

 

I wish humans worked like that. I'd own everything.

[Kyyle23]

Or the people who have trouble going are too timid to mark their own f***ing territory.

 

I wish humans worked like that. I'd own everything.

 

i would totally pee on your pee. you would own nothing

[Milkman delivers]

i would totally pee on your pee. you would own nothing

 

You have no idea how much asparagus I eat.

[whitesoxfan101]

I thought it was more of a sitcom type of thing, not so much a real thing.

 

Same here.

[Kyyle23]

You have no idea how much asparagus I eat.

 

LMAO. i concede your point

[ChiSox_Sonix]

I get a form of "stage fright" when I'm doing the other deed, but that's due more to embarrassment/shame than not being able to go. In fact, sometimes I find it hard to hold it, but want to do so until the bathroom is empty.

 

Oh I just find a safe haven when I have to do that.

[Milkman delivers]

Oh I just find a safe haven when I have to do that.

 

I try, but sometimes you have to use a public restroom. I wait until nobody's in there to "let loose." The worst is when you're in the middle of it, and someone walks in.

[ChiSox_Sonix]

I try, but sometimes you have to use a public restroom. I wait until nobody's in there to "let loose." The worst is when you're in the middle of it, and someone walks in.

 

If I know I'm going to be gone for a long while I usually take a pre-game one. Rarely have I had to use a public place.

[Milkman delivers]

If I know I'm going to be gone for a long while I usually take a pre-game one. Rarely have I had to use a public place.

 

You've never been at work or school and had a case of the runs?

[BigSqwert]

You've never been at work or school and had a case of the runs?

Depends

[ChiSox_Sonix]

You've never been at work or school and had a case of the runs?

 

I've always had places where I knew I could go and be relatively "safe" if that occurred

[Milkman delivers]

I've always had places where I knew I could go and be relatively "safe" if that occurred

 

Count your lucky stars.

[ChiSox_Sonix]

Count your lucky stars.

 

I will admit, I play softball three times a week and one day is Sunday. I do live in fear that I'll drink too much Saturday some time and find myself "in trouble" at my game the next day...

[LosMediasBlancas]

Ever been in your car, stuck in traffic, when suddenly, out of nowhere, you get 'the rumbles'?? You know you have about 5 mins to get on a toliet. One of the worse feelings.

[BrenBlackwood]

I avoided this thread for days, for fear of what I would find in here ....turns out, I should never have ventured here!! LOL ..I seriously found myself laughing out loud at more than one of these posts ...this is great stuff!!

[Chisoxfn]

This thread is hillarious and priceless. Been hectic at work and this is exactly the type of humor I needed.

[knightni]

Stop baiting him.

Yeah, he doesn't know what baiting is. It's not like Beast is a master baiter himself or anything.

[knightni]

Depends

aaaaand.... THAT'S how you don't have urinal nervousness Ladies and Gentlemen!

[Milkman delivers]

Ever been in your car, stuck in traffic, when suddenly, out of nowhere, you get 'the rumbles'?? You know you have about 5 mins to get on a toliet. One of the worse feelings.

 

Yes, unfortunately.

[G&T]

Ever been in your car, stuck in traffic, when suddenly, out of nowhere, you get 'the rumbles'?? You know you have about 5 mins to get on a toliet. One of the worse feelings.

 

That doesn't usually happen to me if I'm far from home. Once I get close to home, however, it's like I entered home turf and my body senses it. Then it's a mad dash. Can't even squeeze out a flatus to relieve pressure

[lostfan]

Ever been in your car, stuck in traffic, when suddenly, out of nowhere, you get 'the rumbles'?? You know you have about 5 mins to get on a toliet. One of the worse feelings.

In high school once in 7th period (last period of the day) I suddenly had an onset of the BGs and I managed to hold it until the end of the period, so I ran to the bathroom on the 3rd floor... come to find out none of the stalls in my ghetto ass school had any toilet paper. I went to the 2nd floor (barely making it and fortunately it was right next to the staircase), same thing. I desperately went down to the 1st floor thinking, surely the 1st floor bathroom, the main one, has some toilet paper? Nope, and at this point I was out of options. To make matters worse I had to walk home from school. 6 city blocks, 3/4 of a mile. Awesome.

[lostfan]

Also one time in the Army they woke us all up at like 4 am for a surprise health and welfare inspection (checking for cleanliness and possible drug use) and had us in this holding area. This being the morning I had to pee so I saw a sergeant standing by the door, I said "excuse me, I gotta use the bathroom." He sighs and kinda rolls his eyes and opens the door and I walk in, and... he follows me. Caught me completely off guard and I realize the reason he was standing there was to prevent people from flushing drugs down the toilet or whatever. Even though my bladder was ready to pop I just couldn't do it with his ass standing there watching. Had to go back 15 minutes later.

[ChiSox_Sonix]

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

 

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

 

ESCAPEE

Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVEN

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

 

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

 

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

 

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

CRACK WHORE

Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.